by KB Winters
“You can’t take it personally, Max.”
“He’s my damn brother! My only family.”
“He’s lucky to have you, but sometimes shit is so hard, so painful that the only thing you can do is curl into yourself and handle it the best way you know how.” The brothers had no idea how lucky they were to have each other, but telling Max that wouldn’t help. “So what do you do now?”
“Depends on what the club needs. I got a business degree while I was in the military so mostly I take care of the business end of club business.”
He’d said that world, club, a few times since we sat down and I understood. “Motorcycle club?”
Tension curled through the hard muscles of his shoulders and arms. Everything about him was so tense suddenly, like he was worried I’d judge him. “Yep.”
He didn’t need to worry because I didn’t judge. Ever. “Like an outlaw biker club with one percenters? Or are you a bunch of nine to fivers who ride as weekend warriors?” I’d recently binge watched Sons of Anarchy and I had thirst for all things biker related.
He laughed. “We’re not outlaws but we’re not nine to fivers. Our businesses are legal but we’re like a brotherhood. They helped keep me and the public safe when I first landed here looking for Tate.”
“That’s nice of them. Do you all have to ride Harley’s? Oh, are all of you white or former military?”
He grinned. “You ask a lot of questions, you know that?”
“I don’t get out a lot and I rarely meet anyone with so much life experience. I’m curious.” I couldn’t stop staring at him any more than I could resist the urge to turn so only the left side of my face was visible. His facial features were strong, a sharp, jagged jawline and a nose that looked like it had been broken a few times only made him look more well lived. Miles of skin showed that he’d lived a full life that included scars, tattoos, too much sun, all signs he hadn’t wasted the life he was given. Max was way out of my league, but I liked talking to him. “You can tell me it’s none of my business, I won’t be offended.”
“We don’t have stupid ass rules about race. Most of us have served in the military at some point and that brotherhood means a hell of a lot more than the color of our skin.”
“Do you have any members who can’t ride motorcycles?”
He grinned. “A few old timers who mostly sit around the clubhouse and take care of our business interests.”
“Wow. You are an interesting man, Max.”
“Ellison. Max Ellison.”
I smiled. “Jana Carter. Nice to meet you. Officially.” He smiled and my heart sped up, pounding so hard I thought it might crack a rib just to get out. “You’re not going to ask about my face?” Most people, especially kids, old people and men, wanted to know right up front.
“I’m curious but I figured if you wanted me to know, you’d tell me.”
Damn. “I appreciate that, but it’s always the elephant in the room. The short version is that my foster dad did it to me.”
His jaw clenched in anger and this time his gaze did linger on the scar and I felt my stomach flip with nausea. I hated that fucking scar, so red and painful and ugly. “It’s not as noticeable as you think, but please tell me the prick is in prison.”
“He is. For now.” I didn’t know how to feel about someone being so upset on my behalf. Even when it happened, no one gave a damn. Not the police or social services, and certainly not the one woman I thought actually loved me.
“Good. Now tell me Jana Carter, what do you do for fun?”
I laughed at his unexpected topic change. “I cook, watch documentaries on just about everything and I paint. Occasionally my friend Teddy forces me out into the world.” My smile dimmed as I thought about Todd and Greg. “But I prefer to stay home.”
A flash of something, sympathy or commiseration maybe, showed in his gray eyes but it disappeared so fast I figured it was wishful thinking. “Good to know. Can I call you sometime, Jana?”
Yes. “Why?”
He frowned. “What kind of question is that?”
I didn’t want to get into this after we had such a nice meal, but I found it was better to get this part out of the way sooner rather than later. Not that I’d even been this far with a man since sophomore year of college when I learned a lesson I never forgot. “It’s a perfectly valid one. Look at me Max, guys like you don’t want to spend time with me or hang out with me unless you need something. I work for myself so unless you need accounting help, that’s not it. Teddy,” I said as realization dawned. “You want me to introduce you to her?” It wouldn’t be the first time. Or the last.
“Who the fuck is Teddy and why would I want to meet her when you’re right here?”
“I uh, I’m not…shit.” I finger combed my hair down so it covered the right side of my face. “I don’t know how to answer that.”
He frowned but slowly, it turned into a smile. “Jana, you intrigue me. You’re beautiful even though you can’t see it, and your body is hot as shit. I’d like to get to know you better, spend some time with you. Is that so hard to believe?”
“It is,” I told him honestly. “But I’ve had a good time today talking with you.” I handed him my phone and he did the same. “Please don’t make me regret it.”
Max paid the bill and walked me to my car as the sun began her journey to the other side of the world. “I had a good time today, Jana. Thank you.” He leaned forward and I froze. Was he going to kiss me? I hadn’t been kissed since sophomore year and I was completely unprepared. Were my lips chapped? Did I have octopus breath?
I had no reason to worry though, his surprisingly soft lips landed on my cheek, a breath away from the corner of my mouth. “Max,” I whispered.
“I’ll talk to you soon, Jana.”
Why that gave me shivers, I couldn’t say.
***
Tonight’s class featured a nude model. A nude male model, but for the sake of propriety a colorful scarf had been draped over his hips to cover the man meat. Thank goodness because tonight, Max and I were joined by eight women in their forties pretending to be a book club.
“Oh Moon, you spoil us sweetheart!” I kept quiet and kept my gaze on my station, prepping my palette and canvas. Max had yet to arrive but class didn’t start for another seven minutes. Not that I was worried. I wasn’t. Late lunch with him had been nice on Wednesday but I hadn’t heard from him so I decided not to worry about it. Or think about. I never had a man in my life, so I couldn’t really miss what I didn’t have.
Moon gave a kind smile. “You ladies just got lucky tonight. Don’t mind them, Kyle.”
Kyle wore a faint shade of pink all over, but he flashed a dimpled smile at the ladies and sent them into a fit of giggles more appropriate for a fifth grade slumber party. I rolled my eyes and kept my gaze averted. I learned not long after leaving the hospital with my scars, that eye contact made people want to interact. Ask questions.
Fuck that.
“Oh, hello handsome. You are just what mama needs.” I knew before looking up that Max had arrived. Not only because of the catcalling women, but because the air changed. It was electrified and thick.
I was too damn aware of him and in protest, I refused to look his way. Not until he took the seat beside me, the air from his movement blowing tendrils of my hair. “Hey Jana.” Even his voice had a smile in it.
“Hey.”
“How’s it going?”
“It’s going. You?” There was no reason to hold a grudge because he didn’t call. I didn’t really think he would, even if a tiny sliver of me wished for it.
“All right,” he said but his words were heavy. Anxious.
“You sure about that?” I swiveled in my chair and looked at him. I really looked at him and he was tense all over.
“Not even a little bit, Jana.”
I gave him a sympathetic smile and patted his shoulder. “Want to get lost in some painting?”
He looked to Kyle’s nearly nude form and
back to me, one brow quirked up in a gesture that clearly said, “get real”. I laughed. “Yeah I guess.”
That’s what we did. I focused on the curve of his hip leading to his thigh because he was a beautiful picture of masculinity. And because I never got a chance to see a man this delicious up close. A quick glance at Max’s canvas showed he focused on the bicep, and he did a pretty good job.
The book club women were loud and boisterous, but they were having a good time and I envied that. Though I always felt a certain peace when I painted, I envied the good time they had together, laughing and drinking. So free and sure of their friendships. When class was over, I let out an exhausted breath and stood, stretching with my back facing the class.
“You mad at me?”
I froze and looked over my left shoulder. “No, why would I be?”
“I said I would call and I didn’t.”
I knew he was a nice guy. “Don’t worry about it, I didn’t really think you would. No harm, no foul.”
He sighed and touched my shoulder, but he didn’t do anything to move me so I turned to face him. “Jana, shit. I had a really good time the other day and I went to bed and slept. Like I haven’t slept in a long damn time. But the next night, I felt guilty as hell about it and I slept for shit.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Max. Want to grab a drink and tell me about it?” Where in the hell did that come from? I never extended offers to hang out with anyone. Not even Teddy, really. Unless it was at my house, or sometimes hers.
He looked as surprised as I felt. “Really? Because I thought you were pissed off.”
“I was annoyed but mostly with myself for thinking you’d call. And I can’t believe I said that out loud.” He chuckled and I felt slightly less embarrassed.
“Yeah, I think we do need to have a drink and talk. About a few things.” His gaze was determined and a chill shot through me at the intensity in his gaze. “Where to?”
“Follow me.” I didn’t feel like going to a bar, especially with a guy like Max. Everyone would stare and wonder why he was with me and I just didn’t feel like dealing with that tonight. Besides, I figured Max wanted to talk in private and my backyard was the perfect location.
It took the entire drive home to get my nerves under control. This was nothing but a platonic talk with a guy I met, it didn’t have to be anything more than that. I knew that, even if my silly heart wanted it to be more. I pulled into my driveway and his bike came to a stop beside me, pulling my door open. “Never heard of this place before.”
“Funny. This is my place. I figured we could use the privacy for our chat.” He gave me a funny look that made me smile. “Only to chat. Believe me, even if I wanted to I wouldn’t know where to begin seducing a guy like you.”
He laughed. “Sweetheart, I’m halfway to seduced just looking at the way you fill out your jeans.”
Well, shit. I felt my cheeks flush. “See, that! I wish I could just say something smooth like that. Damn,” I fanned myself and nodded for him to follow me. His chuckle sounded behind me and I was happy I wore my hair down so he couldn’t see my flushed skin. I kicked my shoes off and turned on the lights, trying hard not to think about what he thought of my place. It was decorated to suit me, comfortable and attractive. In the middle of the desert, my little place was country chic.
“Nice place. It’s very you.”
“Rustic?”
He laughed. “No. Understated but nice to look at.”
“You’re good.” I felt nervous but I walked through to the kitchen and flipped on the lights. “Tequila work for you?” I turned to face him, and dammit, again I was struck by just how handsome he was. He shouldn’t be, not with that perma-scowl on his face, but there was something about him that had my body acting like a dog in heat.
“Hell yeah it works.”
I grinned, pulling out two limes and slicing them onto a plate. I handed him a couple bottles of water and we went out to my yard. We sat in companionable silence for a while, both of us lost in our own thoughts.
“This is nice,” he said finally from the lounger to my right. Both of them were covered in paisley cushions with a table between them and about five feet away was a fire pit for when the desert nights turned chilly.
“Thanks.” I didn’t know if he would just start talking, or if he expected me to pull the info from him, so I poured two shots and sipped mine.
“I lost half my crew. We were on our way back from a mission and it was what it always fucking is, a damn roadside bomb. It was loud and I couldn’t see. All I could hear was the sounds of my brothers screaming in pain and gunshots. I got behind what was left of the transport vehicle and shot. I shot until I ran out of bullets and then I grabbed guns off disembodied limbs and kept shooting until someone came to save the three of us who remained.” He laughed bitterly, shaking his head, looking handsome in his moonlight anguish. “They gave me fucking medals for that shit, Jana. And I can’t stop thinking about it.”
I could hear the pain in his voice. “Tell me about them.”
“Who,” he barked out, frowning at me.
“The guys. Your brothers.”
“Why?”
I bit back a smile. “You’re very monosyllabic tonight. Because I’d like to know a little about the men who died to keep me safe.” That took all the wind out of his sails and he snatched the shot glass off the table, shooting it back like a pro.
He smiled as the memories came to him. “Jameson loved the Bulls. He grew up during the Jordan-Pippen-Rodman era and I swear that kid could tell you every moment of every game played. Garcia was first generation American but man he was proud of being Mexican. His abuela sent the best fucking salsa you’ve ever had. He made us all learn that Spanish Christmas song too,” he laughed and this time it was just a huff of amusement but it was peaceful. Reilly was a cowboy, from a big ass ranch in Texas and he would always talk about his favorite spot to sweet talk the ladies, overlooking a field of brown eyes Susan’s. Never even heard of them before him, but now I’ll never forget.”
I poured another shot into the empty glass he held, earning a grateful smile. “They sound like amazing men.”
“They were just my brothers. We all had a job to do and we did it as best as we could.”
“I’m glad you made it back.”
“Thanks,” he huffed out and leaned back, turning his gaze up to the stars. “What’s your favorite song?”
I laughed. “Free Bird. Yours?”
“Don’t have one.”
“Everyone has a favorite song.”
“I was out of the country for most of the last two decades, darlin’.”
“Right. Well then how about I put on some songs, jog your memory?” I opened a music app and let it play.
“I wouldn’t have pegged you as a classic rock girl.”
I shrugged even though he couldn’t see me and laid out in the grass, staring up at the night sky. “One of the first things I ever got that was mine, which was almost never, was a portable CD player. My case worker got it for me when I won the gold for Mathletes. It was used and there was one of those best of CD’s and it was classic rock. I loved it. It was gritty and it made me smile and I was hooked.”
Max laid down beside me and turned to me, I felt his gaze on me. On my right side. “Play some.” I did, starting with Free Bird. We let it play all the way through, but it was a live version so it was long, but I figured Max needed it. I don’t imagine it was easy talking about his friends, but I knew how much it could help.
“I like it. My ma used to listen to this. She loved Joni Mitchell and Fleetwood Mac.”
I grinned. “Landslide and Rhiannon are on my gardening playlist.”
“How’d you end up an accountant in Nevada?”
I sighed, and sat up to pour another shot for both of us. “Cheers.” We clinked glasses and I turned to my back and let the liquid slide down my throat. The stars twinkled beautifully. “My last foster family, Robert and Karen Sanborn were
mostly good people. I thought Karen loved me, I’d been with them since I was twelve. But her husband Robert was a pervert. As soon as I turned sixteen, he started to follow me with his eyes and then literally. Then he tried to sneak into my room, but I would scream or knock things over because I knew Karen would come running.” She’d been the closest thing to a mother I could remember but it was all tainted by what came next. “I had a job doing data entry part-time because a lot of companies were working towards going digital and I worked fast and away from people. It was my last year of high school so I only attended half a day, coming home to change into business attire for work.” I sighed and picked up the bottle but Max’s big warm hand wrapped around mine. Held it within his. “Robert was waiting for me that day. Karen wouldn’t be home for hours and it was the perfect time for him to get what he wanted. He stripped me down, cutting my school clothes off, my favorite Jim Morrison t-shirt. Anyway there I was, naked and fighting him back. He did not like that and pulled out his favorite knife. The one with the serrated edge.”
“Shit,” he groaned.
“Yeah. He tried to get what he wanted first, shoving his hand between my legs and sliding his fingers into my body. I squirmed, kicking and screaming and that made him mad. He picked up the knife and started at my eye and carved slowly in a jagged path down to my mouth. It hurt. I called 911 but passed out before they got there and woke up in the hospital.”
“Fuck. I’m sorry Jana. I’d like to fucking kill him.”
That made me smile. “You hold him down while I do the honors?”
“You got it, babe.”
“You’re a good guy, Max. I hope you know that.”
“I haven’t done good things.”
“You survived though. That’s hard as hell, and it’s the one thing people don’t tell you.” I worried so much about the pain of my scar that it didn’t occur to me to worry about how it looked until people looked at me like I belonged in a freak show. And no therapist, mental or physical, had prepared me for a lifetime of that.
“Yeah.”