by KB Winters
I nodded and walked them to the elevator, Teddy’s words ringing in my head on a loop. Despite what she’d said, I had a feeling I needed Mandy even more.
***
“It was Roadkill MC. Mandy saw the fucking patches before they stomped on her.” Now that I was free of the hospital and watchful eyes, my rage was on full fucking display. What they did to her wasn’t right. That’s not how you treat women, especially innocent women. “Some bitch she used to hang with back in the day owes them a lot of money.”
Cross sat in his spot at the head of the table, arms crossed and a scowl on his face. “You’re sure Mandy doesn’t owe this money to them for something?”
His implication was clear and the only reason I didn’t leap over the table and wrap my hands around his fucking neck was because he was my brother. My Prez.
“I’m damn sure.” I sighed, trying to figure out how much to tell without breaking Mandy’s confidence. “She knew this woman as a kid, when Ammo was re-upped before he even got stateside. She had no money and no way to get any.” I didn’t want to tell them, but I needed my club right now. Mandy was . . . fuck if I knew, but she was something to me and I needed everybody’s help to keep her safe. So I told them about the card counting and about that bitch Krissy. All of it.
“Card counting? That little bitty thing with the short blond hair?” Lasso’s wide smile was filled with disbelief. “As a kid?”
“A teenager, fifteen to seventeen I think, before she left for school.” Cross still stared at me and I stared back. “We should have been looking out for her back then. If we’d done what the fuck we were supposed to, she wouldn’t be in this shit today.”
He knew I was right even if he didn’t like being called out like that.
“You’re right,” he finally admitted, looking as deflated as the rest of us old timers who knew Ammo and his loss and the little girl in his care. It was why he’d joined the military and the Reckless Bastards. All for her. “What do you want to do, Savior?”
I smiled. “What I’d like to do is kill those motherfuckers who did this to her, but I’d settle for a beat down.”
“Or we could give those assholes something else to worry about.” Jag’s bright white smile shone like the goddamn sun when he was being devious. “Nothing illegal, just some shit guaranteed to fuck up their week. Make them focus on something other than our Mandy.”
I gave Jag a short nod. He was one of a fucking kind, embracing Mandy like she was already part of the Reckless Bastards, because she was.
“Thanks, man. We need to hit them hard and let them know why without starting a goddamn war.”
Then Stitch butted in. “I heard they got a new shipment of girls and stashed them all at a house in the ‘burbs.” Stitch, always a good time guy, didn’t have his usual smile and I knew he was as pissed as the rest of us even if he didn’t know Ammo.
I leaned forward, eager for more information. “Where’d you hear that?”
He grinned. “One of the blue hairs who comes into the dispensary told me her neighbors just brought a bunch of scrawny girls who all looked Russian to the old Victorian on her block.” He pulled his phone from his pocket and slid it to me. “She gave me the address of the house and the cross street. Said if something was done about it, she’d bake us some of her snickerdoodles with pot in ‘em.” Stitch leaned back and sneered with that grin of his. “Sounded like a good idea, but your thing is more urgent.”
We brainstormed ideas for more than an hour before Cross ended the meeting. “I need to think about this for a minute. Church tomorrow at noon. Be there,” he said and we all dispersed.
I had one more thing I needed to do before I went back to the hospital, back to Mandy. Despite what she’d said, I would be there by her side until she could stand on her own again. Maybe longer if she stopped being so damn stubborn.
Max rested a hand on my shoulder and fell in step beside me. “Hey man, you okay?”
“Fucking peachy, man.”
“Don’t do something stupid right now.”
I glared but he only glared back, stoic bastard that he was.
“Believe me,” he said in that soft and easy voice you use when you’re worried about a friend. “I’d be right beside you, busting up flesh if I thought it was the right move. But right now Mandy is defenseless and she knows you better than any of us. She needs you.”
I brushed off his concern with a quick, “The last thing she needs is me, trust me on that.” For some reason his advice got under my skin and didn’t do anything to ease the guilt eating away my gut. Maybe logically he was right but it didn’t work for me right now. What I needed to do was focus on getting those Roadkill assholes for what they did.
“You sound like a dumbass,” Max said with all the affection of a grumpy older brother. “You are exactly what she needs. Are you really so blind you can’t see it?”
“See what?” I snapped. “That if I’d kept my promise to Ammo all those fucking years ago, she wouldn’t be in this fucked up mess right now? I see that loud and clear. Trust me on that one.”
“I do trust you, Savior. With my life, but you need to trust me on this. I nearly lost Jana because my head was so far up my ass.”
“That was PTSD,” I huffed out angrily. “Not exactly the same thing.”
We’d reached the parking lot. Max laughed and hopped on his bike, parked beside mine. “Wrong, it’s exactly the same fucking thing, man. You think your life, your childhood and your time in the military didn’t leave its mark? If so, you’re dumber than you look.”
“Fuck you, I look good as shit.”
“Whatever you need to tell yourself, Savior.” He started his bike and adjusted his helmet. I didn’t even bother watching him ride off. There was one more brother I had to see.
The winding road curved left and right between big, lush trees that somehow managed to remain a vibrant green in the desert. I parked my bike and found the spot I was looking for. It looked different than I thought it would, but I don’t know what I was expecting since visiting cemeteries wasn’t how I spent my free time. But Ammo had been here for too damn long and my visit was long overdue.
I squatted down in front of his shiny black headstone. “Hey man. Sorry I haven’t been back since your funeral but life, ya know?” I felt like a jackass talking to him like this, but I needed to do it. “I’m sorry, man. So fucking sorry that I didn’t look out for Mandy the way I should have. I could make excuses, blame it on being young and dumb, but it would be nothing but a fucking excuse.”
I knew by then I had a lot more to say to him, a lot more to think about. I slid down onto my ass and got more comfortable, like I was just talking to an old friend. I let him down and by extension, Mandy. And to make me an even bigger asshole, I slept with her. More than once. I wasn’t sure how I could explain all that, but I had to try.
“She’s been through some shit man, a lot of shit. More than someone her age should, but she turned out amazing. Tough and beautiful, strong and brave, and she doesn’t even know how damn special she is. It’s a nice change from your gigantic fucking ego.” I laughed. Actually laughed in a cemetery. Where my best friend would rest forever.
I didn’t know how long I sat there in the grass, my arms resting on my knees, talking to Ammo. Laughing with him and catching up on the Reckless Bastards. “Golden Boy is finally out of prison, scot free and engaged to a model if you can believe it. Max had a beach wedding in San Diego, and it was nicer than it sounds.”
I told him about Gunnar’s mom dying, Cross drinking tea, Golden Boy’s tattoo parlor and even the shit going down with those Roadkill fuckers. “I’m doing my best, man. I won’t let her or you down again.”
I sat in the cemetery just watching all the different flowers as they blew in the wind, all of them left lovingly by friends and family of the dead. I didn’t even know if my mom was alive or dead, hell my deadbeat dad either. They could both be still roaming this earth or rotting inside it and I wouldn’
t know either way because they didn’t matter to me. They weren’t my family. Ammo was my family and I’d treated him no better than my own mother, putting my needs first, consequences be damned.
I stood and swiped away grass and dirt I didn’t see but felt the need to clean off anyway. My mind was full, wondering how Mandy was doing. If she was feeling frustrated or suffocated by all the love coming from Jana and Teddy. Wondering if she was really doing okay or if she was putting up a front, something I now knew she could do so well.
It was a damn shame that I had to give her up because she needed someone better than me in her life. She deserved someone better than I could ever hope to be and I knew that. I wasn’t cut out to be an old man to a hot chick. My mind was too fucked up. I could fuck her, and I could protect her. But true love and frou-frou relationships were out of my league.
And the moment that thought went through my mind, I realized exactly how much I wanted her.
Chapter 19
Mandy
“We got you tons of stuff to keep you occupied until they spring you.”
Teddy beamed a smile as she and Jana unpacked the bags they set on the edge of my hospital bed.
I smiled as I watched them work in tandem, pulling out a stack of magazines, leave-in conditioner and a brush, moisturizer and a tablet.
“Wow,” was all I could say at their generosity, and even that hurt my ribs.
“The tablet is mine,” Jana said sheepishly, “but I know how hard it can be cooped up in here without anything to entertain you.” Her hand instinctively went to the scar along one side of her face. It wasn’t really noticeable until she drew attention to it, but we all had our quirks, so who was I to judge?
They were so cheerful, so upbeat that it made me suspicious. “What’s going on? Do you know something I don’t, like I’m dying or there’s a contract on my life?”
Teddy and Jana stared at each other with twin serious expressions and then promptly burst out laughing. “Sorry to break it to you Mandy but you’re going to live. This is called friendship. You need us, so we’re here. To help you forget just how much life sucks right now.”
That pulled a laugh from me.
“Understatement of the . . . well, fucking ever,” I managed to say before I had to count to ten to absorb the pain.
I shouldn’t be surprised about the shit show my life was now; it wasn’t like there had ever been a break when things were perfect. Hell, not even perfect. I’d have settled for uneventful. Boring, even. But that wasn’t the life lined up for me. “It does suck and I appreciate you bringing these things to me but I’m sure you both have better things to do than hang out here for the second day in a row.”
I had no clue when they would let me out and I hadn’t made a big deal about it yet because it didn’t matter to me where I was at the moment.
“See that’s where you’re wrong,” Teddy said with a sassy point of her finger. “We’re pregnant and hungry, and if one of these babies decided to come early, we’re right where we need to be.” She flashed that tough girl grin that was so far from the high fashion model she’d been that she was like a whole new person.
I appreciated her attempt to keep things light. “And I thought you were here just for me. I’m just a convenience,” I told her with a fake sniffle. “Thanks, seriously.”
“Don’t!” Jana held her hands up in my direction. “We’re here for you. You’re our friend and we want to be yours but if you keep that up you’ll have two pregnant women blubbering like babies in here.”
“Thanks for the heads up,” I told her, wincing as I tried to sit up.
“How are you feeling, really?” Teddy tilted her head to the side in that classic sign of pity that people thought was sympathy.
“Never better,” I told her flippantly. “Doesn’t matter, it’ll heal. Eventually.”
“I’m glad to hear that. Savior looked like he wanted to rip someone’s head off when we picked him up,” Teddy said. “He’s got it bad.”
I shook my head, refusing to listen. Maybe that’s how women talked when they were together but I didn’t want to hear it. “He’s got a bad case of guilt and obligation. That’s all it is.”
They both laughed like it was the funniest damn joke in the world. Teddy blurted out, “Oh Jana, she actually believes that.”
I glared at Teddy but it had no effect on the girl.
“It’s true, Teddy. He feels bad he didn’t look after me like he promised my brother. Thinks all of this is his fault.”
If there was one thing I hated, it was pity. And obligation. I was used to both and neither had ever done a damn thing to make me or my life any better.
“Don’t worry,” I told them as sleep slowly pulled me under. “I’m fine on my own.”
***
When I woke up some time later, the doctor was staring at me with a creepy but professional smile. “Good news Mandy. We’re letting you out today.”
“Great.” I could go home to my tiny apartment and do absolutely nothing with a broken arm and sore ribs.
Then came more good news. “Unfortunately, you will be in that cast for at least six to ten weeks. No work at all during that time, and we’ll discuss it more when you’re well enough to start therapy.” More good news as he spoke. No work. No cooking. No laughing or fucking. No living.
Nothing.
“Super.” I murmured.
He gave me a sympathetic smile that made me want to scream. “You’re young, Mandy. There’s no reason you won’t heal completely if you commit to it. I’ll get that paperwork started if you want to call someone to pick you up.”
“Do you have my phone?” I hadn’t thought about it before now because I didn’t need it, then the nurse who was checking my vitals pulled a large plastic bag from the closet.
“Here you go dear. If you need anything else, buzz me.”
“Thank you.” My voice was soft, broken in gratitude as I watched them both leave. Despite my complaining, they’d done so much for me. Yet, I was alone again and though it was the way I’d spent most of my life, it now felt stifling and uncomfortable. So loud and in my face about how alone I was.
But there was nothing to be done about it because despite what Jana and Teddy thought, Savior’s absence told me everything.
I picked up my phone, grateful to whoever had powered it off, and placed a reservation for a cab ride in two hours. It was how I’d always gotten around until I’d bought a car when I moved back to Vegas. I was used to it. Completely self-sufficient.
Because, well, I had to be.
And the more I thought about it, the more leaving Las Vegas sounded just about perfect. Relying on people, making connections was great, for other people. But I was worried that relying on people might make me forget who I was.
Strong.
Capable.
Alone.
***
“I know you’re in there, Pixie. Open up!” Savior’s voice came out loud enough to drown out the comedy special playing on TV but the pounding on the door shook the walls. “I’ve got all day.”
I let out a long sigh at the thought of getting up. The pain pills worked but not enough. I’d spent the past two days only moving when absolutely necessary. I’d put off going to the bathroom or the kitchen until I couldn’t stand it any longer, and I slept in the same spot I was now sitting in on my sofa. “Go away, Savior.”
“No. Don’t make me break this door down.”
That’s just what I needed, to get kicked out before I planned to move out anyway. I’d already given my landlord my thirty-day notice but I knew I’d need every one of those days to stay put with my injuries.
I sucked in a long, deep breath and let it out slowly as I stood and made my way to the door. I flipped the lock and twisted the knob before turning back to the sofa. My skin was already damp from the effort it took to breathe deeply and stand. Though my eye was no longer swollen shut, a good thing, the huge, ugly green and yellow bruise didn’t do me any favor
s.
“What do you want?” I called to him as I made my way back to my cocoon.
“I brought you a few things.”
I was busy getting myself settled on the couch again and didn’t look at him, at the smile I heard in his voice. I hadn’t seen him in a few days and hadn’t planned on seeing him again. “I have everything I need but thank you.”
When I finally looked up he froze and stared at me with a confused and hurt look on his face. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately.”
I eased back into the couch, waiting for the pain to settle after all that movement. “Don’t be. I told you before, not your responsibility.” I didn’t want to be anyone’s responsibility or another item on their list of things they had to do. By now, I knew that’s how he would always see me.
“It’s not that, I —”
I cut him off. “It’s fine, Savior. You have a life and I don’t need an explanation, but I do appreciate the thought.”
“Goddamn, you are one frustrating woman,” he groaned and dropped the bags on the tiny two-legged table that passed off as a dining table. “I went to see Ammo.”
Of course he did, because his guilt had probably overwhelmed him and now he was determined to double down on the overprotective thing. “Good for you.”
“Did I do something to piss you off, Pixie?”
“Nope. I’m not pissed off. I’m in pain, Savior.”
“Do you need pills or water or something?”
I glanced at the case of bottled water under the coffee table and the pills on top of it, then back at him. “I’m good, thanks. Look, Savior, I don’t need a babysitter.”
“Good, because I’m no one’s babysitter. Can’t I just do something nice because I want to?”
“Sure,” I told him but I didn’t believe him at all.
He was determined to prove me wrong by unpacking the bags and bringing me a plate piled with fried chicken, spaghetti and salad. Before I could complain about how I was going to eat and hold my plate with only one good arm, he raced into my kitchen and returned with my tray table. “See? It’s not so bad having me around.”