by Amy Clipston
“I’ve heard some rumors about me are making their way through our community. I would like the rumors to stop, and it seems I need to start with you to make things right.”
“What are the rumors you’re referring to?”
“People are saying I’m having an inappropriate relationship with an Englisher.” Hannah placed her hands in her lap and fingered her apron. “And these rumors are affecting my family. Lillian has requested to become the full-time teacher next year, and she was told she wasn’t allowed to have the job because there are concerns in the community about my behavior.”
He fingered his beard. “Are these rumors true?”
Hannah shook her head. “The Englisher is an acquaintance. I met him while working at the hotel. He and I have spoken a few times, and he drove me home last Wednesday when Andrew was injured.”
“Is Andrew okay?”
“Ya.” Hannah nodded. “He fell and got a terrible gash above his eye. We thought it was much worse because of how much it bled. But he’s fine, danki.”
“Gut.” Elmer frowned. “I try not to listen to rumors, and I don’t like to spread gossip. I was surprised, however, when I heard you were seen hugging this man. Is it true, Hannah?”
“Ya, it is true.” She absently ran her hands over the arms of the wooden chair. “I gave him a hug after I found out Andrew was going to be okay. I was worried something bad would happen to Andrew.” She paused, thinking of Elmer’s daughter, who’d drowned many years ago. “Do you remember when you lost Rachel?”
The bishop sat up straight. “Of course I do. Why would you ask that?”
“After experiencing that kind of pain, do you ever worry about losing your other kinner or your fraa?”
He nodded. “Sometimes I worry about my grandkinner when they swim in the creek, but then I remember that if I worry, that means I don’t trust God.”
“I understand, and I know we should always trust God. I never expected Gideon to leave me, however, just as you didn’t expect to lose your Rachel. I know it was God’s plan, but it still hurts. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that worry or hurt. I carry it in my heart.” She paused. “On that Wednesday, I was concerned about Andrew, and I was trying to keep myself together and be strong. Once I knew he was going to be okay, I let all of the emotion come out of me. I hugged Mr. Peterson and he gave me comfort. It felt like a natural reaction.”
Elmer continued to finger his beard while he listened.
“What I did may be considered a sin, but it was an honest mistake. We all sin and fall short of God’s glory. I want to know how I can be forgiven so my family doesn’t have to suffer for my actions any further.” She gripped the arms of the chair and hoped her voice sounded confident instead of revealing her jumbled emotions. “I’ll do anything to make things right with the community for my family. I love this community, and I never meant to jeopardize my place in it. If I need to confess in front of the congregation, I will.”
The elderly man leaned back in the chair and crossed his legs at the ankles. “I don’t think that’s necessary. You didn’t do anything immoral.”
Hannah felt the tension ease in her shoulders.
The elderly man studied her expression. “It sounds like you’re gut freinden with this man.”
“Ya, I am.” Hannah ran her hand over the pocket where the business card was hidden. “We’ve spoken a few times. He lost his fraa and dochder, and I lost Gideon. We have a lot in common.”
“It seems to me that your friendship with him has gotten very deep. Do you feel an attachment starting with him?”
Hannah nodded. She couldn’t lie to him.
“I can tell this man means a lot to you, Hannah, but I feel you should stop all contact with him immediately. If you don’t, then things could get complicated again for your family. He is English, and you are Amish.”
Hannah frowned. “Ya, I know I should avoid him.”
“As long as you concentrate on what kind of role model you want to be for your kinner, everything will be fine. I’ll take care of the school board. I planned to take a walk in the morning since the doctor ordered more exercise for my diabetes. I always go past Elizabeth Beiler’s haus, and I’ll stop in and speak to her then.” He stood and smiled. “Everything will be just fine.”
“Danki for taking the time to talk with me.” Hannah stood and shook his hand.
“Gern gschehne.”
“Have a gut evening.” Hannah started down the porch steps and hefted her bag onto her shoulder. She headed toward the main road with a mixture of happiness and disappointment. Although she’d made things right for Lillian without having to go before the entire church district, she also agreed with the bishop when he said she should avoid the one person who held the key to healing her broken heart.
Later that afternoon, Amanda packed up her bag. She’d never been so happy to see closing time. After eating lunch by herself on the bench outside, she’d spent the afternoon avoiding Nancy. Whenever they looked at each other, Nancy frowned. They were cordial and polite when they were forced to speak to each other, but the distance between them felt like a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon. And that distance was breaking Amanda’s heart.
Amanda and Nancy had been best friends since first grade. Amanda recalled having only one disagreement with her. It had happened in third grade, and they’d argued over who should be picked first when they were playing baseball. The disagreement lasted ten minutes and ended with both of them laughing. Why couldn’t this argument be just as simple to resolve?
Yet this was more than simply a disagreement; Nancy had hurt Amanda’s feelings by comparing the horrible rumors about her mamm to Amanda’s curiosity about going to college. Amanda had never seen Nancy be so hateful. Had she lost her best friend forever?
“Do you need a ride home?” Nancy’s dat’s question broke through Amanda’s thoughts.
“No, danki.” Amanda motioned toward the front door. “It’s a schee day, so I’ll walk.”
Nancy’s mamm tilted her head. “Are you certain?”
“Ya. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Amanda focused her eyes on Nancy. “Gut nacht.”
Nancy nodded and then quickly looked away.
Amanda lifted her bag onto her shoulder and stepped out the front door. She walked down the path and started for the crosswalk.
“Amanda! Wait up!” Turning, she found Mike jogging from the bookstore toward her. “I was hoping to catch you before you left.”
“Hi, Mike.” She smiled up at him. “What are you doing here?”
“I have news.” His grin was wide. “I not only passed that test, but I got an A!”
“That’s wonderful news!” Amanda clapped her hands. “You must be so excited.”
“Yeah.” He raked his hand through his hair. “To be honest, I’m stunned. I was praying for a B and I got an A.”
“The power of prayer.” Amanda laughed. “I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks.” He nodded toward the bookstore. “My uncle Rick told me you stopped in today.”
“Oh.” She fingered the strap on her tote bag. “I needed to get a book for my sister.”
“He said you asked about a GED prep book.” He leaned closer to her. “Are you thinking about taking the test?”
She hesitated, debating if she should be honest with him. How could she tell him she was confused about everything, including her feelings about taking the test? She didn’t want him to think she was silly.
“It’s okay.” He looked down toward the toe of his sneaker. “I don’t mean to pry. I won’t keep you. I just wanted to tell you about my grade.” He started to walk backward while gesturing behind him. “I better get going. I’ll see you later.”
“Wait.” She held her hand up to stop him. “Do you want to walk me home?”
“Yeah.” His smiled returned. “That would be awesome.”
“Great. It’s only a few blocks.” Amanda fell into step with him as she pointed toward the direction of
her farm.
“Let me carry your bag for you.” He reached over and lifted the bag off her shoulder and placed it on his.
“Thank you.”
“So, about the GED,” Mike began while walking with his hands in his pockets. “I wasn’t trying to pry. I was just going to tell you I’d be happy to help you study if you need a tutor.”
“Thank you for offering, but I don’t know if I want to take the test or not.”
“Oh. Can I help you decide?”
She looked up at him. “I don’t know if you can.”
“Try me.” He shrugged.
Amanda frowned. “My family is sort of having a hard time.”
“What’s going on?”
While they walked, Amanda told Mike what was going on with the rumors about her mamm and how they affected Lillian’s plan to get the teaching job.
“It sounds like your community is really critical of what everyone does.” He shook his head. “That’s rough.”
“Ya, it can be. It’s not always like that. We just have certain rules we’re supposed to follow. My mother always says it’s our culture.”
“I see that, but what about Jesus’ command to love one another? Isn’t spreading rumors the opposite of that?”
“Ya, I agree. I feel bad for my mom, and, honestly, I’m angry too. It’s unfair that everyone is treating her this way. She’s friends with a man who isn’t Amish, but she didn’t do anything wrong.”
Mike stopped walking. “Wait a minute.” He pointed back and forth between them. “Are you saying you and I can’t be friends?”
She paused. “Ya, that’s true. We shouldn’t be friends. At least, not friends who spend time alone.”
“Does that mean I could get you in trouble just by walking you home?”
She nodded.
“I don’t want to get you in trouble. I only wanted to be your friend.” He held out her bag. “I should go, then.”
“I don’t want you to go. I don’t care about getting in trouble.”
He raised his eyebrows. “You really don’t care?”
She pursed her lips. “I care about getting in trouble, but I don’t want to lose your friendship. I told you, I’m confused. I don’t know where I belong. I’m curious about getting my GED and going to college, and I really want to be your friend. That means I have no idea who I am or where I belong.”
“How old are you?” He slipped her bag back onto his shoulder.
She studied him. “I’m sixteen. Why are you asking me that?”
“My dad says no one knows who they are until they’re thirty.”
“Thirty?” Amanda laughed. “We have a long way to go then, ya?”
He nodded. “I think he’s being facetious. But his point is that we’re not supposed to figure out who we are until we’re much older.”
Her smile faded. “I don’t think it’s supposed to work that way in my community.”
“Why?”
“We’re expected to join the church when we’re around eighteen and then live in the community for the rest of our lives. My sister is already talking about getting baptized, but I’m not sure.”
“You’re not your sister.” He pointed toward her. “You’re Amanda. Don’t be so hard on yourself. And you’re not eighteen yet, are you?”
“No, I’m not.”
“There you have it.” He smiled. “You have time to figure out what you want in life. I’m not even sure what I want, but I do know I want to go to college. I think I want to go to medical school, but I may not be cut out for it. I’ll figure it out when I get there.”
She gestured toward the driveway leading to her house. “My farm is right there. I wish I could invite you up to see it, but it would be better if you and Julianne came together sometime.”
“I understand.” He handed her the tote bag.
“Thank you for walking me home.”
“You’re welcome.” He touched her arm. “I’ll see you soon.”
“Okay.”
He started down the street, turning around once to wave. She returned the wave and then walked up the long rock driveway toward her house. She was relieved to have had the opportunity to share her discombobulated feelings with someone, and she was thankful for her special friendship with Mike.
After supper that evening, Hannah stood at the sink and dried the last dish. She’d spent the meal thinking about her conversation with the bishop and wondering how she was going to avoid Trey. She wanted to tell the girls that she’d done her best to make things right, but she didn’t want Andrew to overhear the conversation. She was afraid he’d misinterpret something and be upset.
She looked over at her son while he swept the floor. “Andrew. Go on and get your bath. We’ll have devotions when you’re finished.”
“Ya, Mamm.” He disappeared through the family room toward the stairs.
“I wanted to talk to you both alone,” Hannah said to her daughters as she gestured toward the table. “Have a seat.”
Lillian’s eyes were wide as she sank into the seat across from her sister. “Was iss letz?”
“Nothing is wrong.” Hannah sat next to Amanda. “I wanted to tell you I met with the bishop on my way home from work today.”
“What?” Amanda shook her head. “I thought you weren’t going to stir things up even more, Mamm. Why did you do that?”
“It’s okay, mei liewe.” Hannah touched Amanda’s hand. “I only did it to make things right for Lillian. I explained to him that Trey was only mei freind, and I never meant to hug him. I told him all about how Andrew was injured, and I was emotional. He said he understood, and I don’t have to confess in front of the congregation because I didn’t do anything immoral.”
Amanda blew out a breath and looked relieved. “Gut. I didn’t want to see you humiliated like that.”
“Did you mention the school board?” Lillian wrung her hands while studying Hannah.
“Ya, I did.” Hannah smiled. “He’s going to talk to Elizabeth Beiler for you tomorrow.”
Lillian squealed, came around the table, and hugged Hannah. “Danki! Oh, danki, Mamm. I’m so very froh.”
“I know you are, Lily.” Hannah nodded. “I’m hoping it works out for you. I just want you to be froh.”
“I will be. Danki again!” Lillian headed for the stairs. “Andrew! Why are you spying? Go get your pajamas and get your bath. Go on.”
Hannah turned to Amanda and found her frowning. “Amanda? Is something wrong? You’ve been quiet all evening.” Her normally happy and easygoing daughter was unusually pensive tonight.
“I’ve had a lot on my mind.” Amanda ran her finger over the wood grain on the table. “I think it’s wrong that you had to talk to the bishop to make things right.”
“That’s just how things are.” Hannah studied Amanda. “Amanda, is there something you’re not telling me? What’s really bothering you?”
Amanda looked up at Hannah and her lips quivered. “Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong here.”
“What do you mean?” Hannah rubbed Amanda’s arm. “We’re your family, and we love you. Of course you belong here. Why would you say something so gegisch?”
“No, that’s not what I mean. I don’t mean here, like in this haus.” She pointed around the kitchen. “I mean in this community. I don’t agree with all of the rules we have to live by. I don’t agree with how you were treated. I know I’m not supposed to feel that way, but it’s the truth.”
Hannah nodded slowly. Although she wanted to tell Amanda that she understood, she knew she had to be the role model Gideon would expect her to be. Gideon was a loving man, but he was also a conservative father. He believed in teaching the children the rules and always being an example to them. In this moment, she felt she had to honor his memory despite her own feelings. “You know we have to follow the rules. It’s how we’ve chosen to live, and it’s our culture. It’s what God intended for us.”
To Hannah’s great surprise, Amanda’s frown transf
ormed into a wry smile.
Hannah gaped.
“Is that what you really believe, Mamm?”
Hannah was speechless for a moment, and Amanda stood.
“I’m going to go upstairs. Call me when it’s time for devotions.” Amanda pushed her chair in. “Mamm, I understand how you really feel, even if you aren’t saying it out loud to me.”
Hannah watched Amanda leave the kitchen, and she wondered just how deeply her daughter understood her.
EIGHTEEN
The following afternoon, Lillian swept while Mattie organized the books at the front of the classroom.
A knock sounded at the door, and Lillian looked up as Elizabeth Beiler stepped into the schoolhouse. Lillian sucked in a breath and hoped the visit was connected to the bishop’s plan to speak with Elizabeth today.
“Wie geht’s?” Mattie crossed the room and shook Elizabeth’s hand.
“I’m doing well.” Elizabeth smiled. “How was your day?”
“Gut!” Mattie clapped her hands together. “The scholars are doing so well with their multiplication tables.”
“That’s wunderbaar.” Elizabeth looked at Lillian. “I was hoping to speak with you.”
“Of course.” Lillian’s stomach tightened as she stowed the broom. She walked over to Elizabeth and gestured toward the row of desks. “Would you like to sit?”
“No, no.” Elizabeth waved off the question. “We can talk right here.” She turned toward Mattie, who was gathering up her bag and heading for the door. “There’s no need for you to leave. You can stay if you’d like.”
“What would you like to talk about?” Lillian smoothed her hands over her apron and pasted a smile on her face. She prayed it was good news and assumed it was since Elizabeth said Mattie could stay. Certainly she wouldn’t have invited Mattie to stay if it was bad news.
“I spoke with the bishop this morning.” Elizabeth folded her hands. “He told me I should recommend you to the school board for the teaching position next year. He and I spoke about a few things at length, and I agreed with him.”
Mattie clapped her hands again. “That’s wunderbaar gut!”
Lillian smiled. “Danki. I’m so excited. I’ll work hard and be the best teacher I can be.”