by Amy Clipston
“Andrew said he would go with me wherever I choose to go. Amanda’s transition would be much easier than her sister’s. She told me that she wants to get her GED, go to college, and become a veterinarian.”
“Wow.” Trey smiled. “That’s an amazing dream. How do you feel about it?”
Hannah shrugged. “I would support my children in whatever they want to pursue. I just wish Lillian would support me and see that I don’t want to lose her.” Her eyes filled with fresh tears. She looked toward the house again and, to curb her threatening tears, imagined planting a garden there. She imagined herself helping Trey run the bed and breakfast. She would be living her dream of cooking and caring for the guests. But where would that leave Lillian?
“I need some time to think about it.” She looked up at him. “Leaving my community will be very difficult. Do you understand?”
“Yes, I do.” Trey leaned down and brushed his lips over her cheek, sending the pit of her stomach into a wild swirl. Her heart rate surged, pounding fast in her ears.
“I love you, Hannah. I’ll give you all of the time you need.”
“Thank you,” she whispered. She touched her cheek where his lips had been and thanked God for bringing love back into her hopeful heart.
Trey sat in the hotel’s restaurant Wednesday afternoon and sipped a mug of coffee while glancing through the paper. Although his eyes scanned the newsprint, his mind couldn’t focus on the stories. He couldn’t stop worrying about Hannah and praying for her ever since they’d parted ways yesterday. He wished she were enjoying a cup of coffee with him as they’d done only a few weeks ago.
When he’d dropped her off at her house, she was close to tears again, talking about how much she loved her community and how much she would lose if she chose to be with him. She promised to call him in a few days after considering his proposal. He’d spent most of last night glancing at his phone and praying he’d find a missed call, even though he kept the phone close by at all times. He knew it wasn’t logical to expect her to make such a life-changing decision within twenty-four hours, but he prayed she would.
He’d hoped to run into her at the hotel today, and he’d even lingered in his room this morning to see if she would come by while cleaning. Yet he hadn’t seen her at all, and he worried that something had happened. His mind ran wild with possible tragedies that had kept her away from him today. What if she’d been hurt in an accident or was at home with a sick child?
Trey finished his coffee and moved through the restaurant toward the elevators. He stopped when he spotted one of Hannah’s coworkers coming out of one of the employee offices. The woman looked to be in her mid-sixties; she had graying hair peeking out from under her prayer covering. She glanced toward him and smiled, and he felt the urge to ask her about Hannah.
“Excuse me.” Trey approached the woman. “I was wondering if you’ve seen Hannah Glick today.”
She shook her head. “No, I haven’t. She’s not in today.”
“Oh.” Trey frowned. “Is she okay? Is one of her children ill?”
The woman tilted her head. “Are you Mr. Peterson?”
“Yes, I am.” He held out his hand and she shook it. “I’m surprised she told you about me.”
“I’ve heard quite a bit about you. I’m Ruth Ebersol.” She motioned toward the office she’d just exited. “Come in here for a moment, and we can speak in private.”
He followed the older woman into a break room that included a table, countertops, sink, refrigerator, and microwave.
She closed the door behind him. “Hannah decided to use her vacation time for the rest of the week.”
Trey studied the older woman and tried to comprehend her words. “You mean she took the rest of the week off and won’t be at the hotel at all?”
Ruth nodded. “That’s right.”
Worry gripped him. “Did she say why she needs the rest of the week off?”
She shrugged. “I didn’t talk to her. She called our supervisor.”
Trey wondered if Hannah wanted to be away from him so she could think. Or perhaps she needed her distance to let him down gently, without facing him, when she told him that she didn’t want to be with him.
“You seem upset.” Ruth’s eyes were filled with concern. “Is there anything I can do to help you?”
“Yes.” Trey tunneled his fingers through his hair while he debated what to do. He needed to respect her request to give her time alone, but he didn’t want her to forget he cared about her. “Would you please get a message to Hannah?”
“I’d be glad to.”
“Please tell her something. Tell her to remember that no matter what she decides, she has my heart.”
Ruth nodded. “I’ll tell her.”
“Thank you.” Trey watched Ruth leave the room, and he prayed the message would help Hannah make her decision.
Hannah sat on the porch Wednesday evening and sipped a warm cup of tea while listening to the crickets sing. She’d spent most of the day contemplating Trey’s marriage proposal and wondering how she could make a life outside of the community she’d known her whole life. How would she know if she belonged in the English world?
Most of all, she struggled with her dual roles as a mother and as a woman. She knew her job as a mother was to nurture and protect her children. Yet she also felt the tug of a woman in love with a man who offered her the chance at a new life. Whenever she considered telling Trey yes, however, she felt the tug of her children pulling her back to her old life, the life of working at the hotel and running the horse farm without the joy of a soul mate.
The back door opened with a squeak, and Amanda stepped out onto the porch. “Mamm, I didn’t know you were out here.”
“Have a seat.” Hannah patted the swing beside her. “I was just enjoying the sound of the crickets.”
Amanda sank into the swing. “I was looking for you.”
“Oh.” Hannah pushed the swing, and it moved back and forth. “What did you need?”
“I just wanted to see how you are. You’ve been quiet.” Amanda looked up at her mother. “Is something on your mind?”
Hannah frowned. She couldn’t possibly tell Amanda what was on her mind without also telling Lillian, and she wasn’t ready to share the news with both of them. “I’ve just been thinking about a lot of things.” She touched Amanda’s arm. “How was your day?”
“It was gut. Nancy isn’t talking much, but it’s okay.” She settled back in the swing. “She wasn’t as cold to me today as she has been since we argued. Maybe she’s coming around to accepting my decision.”
“That’s gut news.” Hannah sipped her coffee. “You know, if you want that GED book, I’ll give you the money for it.”
“You will?” Amanda’s eyes widened.
“Of course I will. I just want you to be froh. You can pick it up on your way home tomorrow if you’d like.”
Amanda’s eyes narrowed. “You’re acting different. Is there a reason you took the rest of the week off, Mamm?”
“I have a big decision to make, and I need time to think things through. Besides, I haven’t had a vacation in a while.”
Amanda stared off toward the road. “Whatever you decide, I’ll stand by you.”
“Are you certain?”
“Ya, I am. If you can support me getting my GED, I can support whatever you decide about Mr. Peterson.”
Hannah studied her daughter. Amanda’s continued support caused a surge of relief to fill her. She wondered if this was the sign she needed to go forward with a decision to choose Trey over Joshua.
TWENTY-FOUR
The following morning, Hannah heard a knock and rushed to the door. She wondered who could be dropping by to visit. Could it be Trey, even though she had told him she needed time? She pulled the door open and found Ruth smiling while holding up a covered dish.
“Ruth!” Hannah opened the door wide. “Please come in. What a nice surprise.”
“I hope you’re hungry. I brought
cheese cupcakes.”
“Ach!” Hannah clapped. “My favorite.” She followed Ruth into the kitchen and gestured toward the table. “Please have a seat. I just made fresh coffee. Would you like some?”
“That would be nice.”
Hannah brought plates, napkins, cream, sugar, and two cups of coffee to the table. “How have you been?”
“Gut.” Ruth gave her a knowing smile. “The question is, how have you been?”
“I’m fine.” Hannah sat across from her. “I’m just enjoying a couple of days off. I needed a break. We work so hard at the hotel.”
Ruth raised an eyebrow. “Is that truly why you’re not coming to work tomorrow?”
Hannah pointed toward the platter of cheese cupcakes. “May I try one of those cupcakes? They smell appeditlich.”
“No, you may not. Not until you answer my question.” Ruth folded her hands and studied Hannah. “Does your sudden vacation have to do with a certain Englisher?”
“How did you know?”
“He talked to me yesterday.”
Hannah hesitated a moment before asking, “What did he say to you?”
“He asked about you and told me to give you a message.”
Hannah’s heart fluttered. “What was the message?”
“He told me to tell you that no matter what you decide, you have his heart.”
Hannah nodded and cleared the lump swelling in her throat.
Ruth placed a cupcake on Hannah’s plate. “Hannah, please tell me what’s going on. I’m very concerned about you, and I want to know the truth.”
Tears filled Hannah’s eyes, and she cleared her throat again. “Trey asked me to marry him and help him run the bed and breakfast he plans to open in Paradise.”
“He did?” Ruth’s eyes were wide. “What did you say?”
“I told him I need time to think, which is why I took time off from work. I need to think it all through and weigh my options. My heart breaks when I think of leaving the community and all of the people I’ve loved and who have loved me since I was a child. I can’t imagine walking away from the home where Gideon and I raised our children. Yet I also keep thinking this new start may be what my heart has been craving since Gideon left me alone.”
Ruth shook her head. “Hannah, are you certain your heart can’t heal here in the community?”
“I’ve wondered that myself. Joshua also proposed to me. He loves me and he adores my kinner. He wants to keep running the business he and Gideon built.”
“What?” Ruth gasped. “Both Trey and Joshua proposed to you?”
Hannah nodded.
“What did you tell Joshua?”
“I told him I have to think about it. But I don’t love him.” Sadness and regret filled Hannah’s soul. “I care about Joshua, but that’s not a feeling I can base a marriage on.” She paused and considered how she felt about her options.
“If I married Joshua, it would only be a marriage of convenience on my part. I would be trying to cling to the life I’ve always known.” She gestured toward the window. “Part of me feels I belong here, but, at the same time, I never really loved this horse farm the way Gideon did. I always enjoyed hosting dinners for English tourists when I was a girl. Running a bed and breakfast is a dream of mine too. I love talking to the tourists and telling them about our community. It would be a nice change and a fun new start. I feel very torn. It’s not an easy decision.” With her tears temporarily stopped, she bit into the cupcake and savored the rich cheese flavor while allowing Ruth to mull over her words.
“What do you want to do, Hannah? Where is your heart leading you?”
“In my heart, I want to marry Trey, but my life will change drastically if I do. I’m not certain it’s fair to mei kinner to pull them away from the only life they’ve ever known.” Her eyes filled with tears again as she thought of her daughter. “And Lily has threatened to move in with Barbie if I leave the community. I don’t think I could live with that. I know it would break Gideon’s heart if he saw our dochder move out. I don’t think I could live with hurting Lily or knowing Gideon would be so hurt if he were here.”
Ruth took Hannah’s hand in hers. “So, then don’t do it, Hannah. If it feels wrong, then it is wrong. Stay in the community. Once you’re gone, you can only come back if you confess in front of the congregation. Is that what you want to do?”
Hannah wiped her eyes and considered her thoughts. “My feelings are a jumbled mess. My heart crumbles when I think of leaving the community, but at the same time, I keep thinking everything has led me to Trey. He showed me the property he’s purchasing, and I could see myself planting a garden, cooking for the guests, and giving tours of the area. I could imagine Amanda and Andrew living in the little apartment and helping me with the chores.”
Hannah managed to finish the cupcake and wiped her hands on a napkin. “When I’m with Trey, I’m a whole person again. I could even see myself worshiping with him at his church. It feels as if God is giving me a new chance, even though it’s not what I’d imagined for myself. I thought I’d fall in love with an Amish man, possibly even a widower. Sometimes during church I would look around the room and wonder if any of the men there would be my future mate, but it never happened.”
“But you just told me Joshua wants to marry you. He’s the opportunity to rebuild your family here in our community.” Ruth tapped the table. “Don’t you see Joshua as God’s way to keep you here?”
“No, Ruth, I don’t.” Hannah wiped her cheeks with a crumpled napkin. “Joshua wants to marry me, but I don’t think I could be froh with him. He told me I would learn to love him, but I don’t believe true love can grow like that.”
Ruth shook her head as she took a cupcake from the dish. “I don’t agree. My parents married as freinden and then fell in love after a few years. You may not love Joshua like that now, but you could love him later. Think of how much easier that would be on your kinner. If you married Joshua, then Lily wouldn’t move out. You’d keep your family intact. Isn’t that what Gideon would want?”
“I don’t know.” Fresh tears filled Hannah’s eyes. “I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do.”
“If you’re that confused, then you shouldn’t do anything. Tell Trey you’re not ready. Tell him that leaving your community is just too difficult.” Ruth frowned. “Tell him that if he loved you, he would become Amish instead of making you leave the faith.”
“He’s not making me do anything. It’s all my choice, and he said he’ll wait as long as he has to.” Hannah glanced around the kitchen and her lower lip quivered. “This isn’t an easy decision. It’s a painful decision. I’ve cried so much that I’m surprised I have any tears left.”
Ruth put down her uneaten cupcake and reached across the table to take Hannah’s hand in hers again. “If it’s painful, then it may not be the right decision. You’ve never wanted to leave the community before. I just don’t think this is right for you, Hannah. You say you love Trey, but you have too much to lose.”
“I know I’ll lose Lillian.” A tear trickled down Hannah’s cheek, and she let go of Ruth’s hand to swipe it away with the back of her hand.
“But you think your other kinner would support you?”
Hannah wiped away more tears. “I know Amanda would. Andrew said he’ll go with me, but I think he’d have a hard time leaving the farm, especially his favorite horse.”
Ruth hesitated and then spoke her mind in love. “You need to take a step back and think about how much this decision will hurt the people who love you.”
“I have. I’ve been considering how it will affect every aspect of my life.”
“I don’t think you realize how much you’ll hurt other people.” Ruth’s eyes glistened with tears. “When Aaron left, he took a piece of my heart with him. I’ve already told you that I miss him every day and some days are worse than others. I pray that the hurt will get easier with time, but it doesn’t. In fact, the pain deepens every day that passes without hearin
g my son’s voice. He’s been gone fifteen years, and the wound is still fresh in my heart.”
“I’m so sorry.” Hannah shook her head. “Your pain must be unbearable, Ruth.”
“Some days it is unbearable.” Ruth swiped the back of her hands over her eyes. “Don’t you see that you’ll inflict the same pain on your family if you leave?”
Hannah paused and considered Ruth’s words while guilt rained down on her. “I know you’re right. I just feel so torn right now.”
Ruth leaned forward and folded her hands on the table. “What kind of message do you feel God is sending you?”
Hannah shrugged. “I feel calm when I pray about it.”
“Do you mean, like God is blessing your relationship with Trey?”
Hannah nodded while wiping more tears. “Ya, that’s sort of how I feel. I can’t really put my finger on it.”
“I want to share a verse I read this morning during devotions. It’s from the book of Hebrews. ‘Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.’“ Ruth’s expression was tentative but comforting. “I don’t agree with your considering a decision to leave, but I think this verse applies to you, Hannah. If you believe you belong with Trey, then you need to accept the path God has put before you. You’ll handle all of the bumps in the road, but you’ll handle them with faith in the Lord.”
Hannah couldn’t stop the tears from flowing from her eyes. “I love him, Ruth, and I want to be with him, but I don’t know how to go about it. How do I walk away from the life I’ve known since I was born?”
“Run with endurance. The Lord will lead you. Look to Jesus for the answers, and he will provide them for you.” Ruth pushed the plate of cupcakes toward Hannah. “Have another one.”
“Danki, Ruth. You’re a blessing to me.” Hannah picked up a cupcake and then wiped her eyes. She knew the road ahead would be bumpy, but she’d keep her faith close.
Friday morning, Hannah brought a platter of fried potatoes to the table and set it next to the platters of homemade bread, eggs, and bacon, along with a bowl of oatmeal. She sat next to Andrew and across from her girls before bowing her head for the prayer.