‘What is it with you?’ he asked in a frustrated tone. ‘Isn’t it a bit late for the outraged-virgin routine?’
She turned back to glare at him. ‘How can you use me in such a way?’
He frowned heavily. ‘I did not use you, Carli.’
‘You only made love with me to prove a point.’
‘You could have stopped me at any stage.’
‘How could I?’ She twisted her hands in front of her. ‘I can’t think straight when you touch me.’
‘That’s what you hate the most, isn’t it, the fact that you can’t stop yourself from responding to me?’
She turned away from his assessing look and folded her arms across her chest protectively, wishing she hadn’t been quite so unguarded with her tongue.
‘Why is your need of me so threatening to you?’ he asked.
‘I do not need you,’ she bit out. ‘You caught me at a weak moment, that’s all. I won’t be such a pushover next time.’
‘I never said you were.’
‘You didn’t have to.’
‘You seem to have this goal in life to push everyone away in case they get too close. Why do you do that?’ he asked. ‘Is it something to do with your parents?’
‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘At some point you’re going to have to face the issues you brought to our marriage. You keep throwing the blame for our break-up in my face but I’m beginning to wonder now if that’s only half of the story.’
‘Our marriage broke up because you put your career ahead of it.’
‘Either you tell me about your family, Carli, or I will take steps to find out for myself.’
‘Go right ahead,’ she said.
‘Why won’t you tell me?’
‘Why won’t you back off?’ She glowered at him.
‘What are you hiding?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Look, Carli, no one’s family is perfect.’
‘Yours claims to be.’
‘My family is far from perfect,’ he said heavily, ‘even though it’s taken me a long time to realise it. I thought the other night demonstrated that in ways words never could.’
Something in his tone drew her gaze back to his. And before she could stop herself, she took an unsteady breath and began to speak in a flat, emotionless tone. ‘My father left my mother when I was ten. Apparently he’d fallen in love or lust with his young secretary. My mother was devastated and became increasingly depressed over the years.’ She took another shaky breath and continued, ‘When I was sixteen I came back from school camp to find her lying in the bath, her wrists slashed to the bone. I kept thinking if only I hadn’t had that milkshake with my friends I might have found her in time. End of story.’
Xavier swallowed, his gut twisting painfully. ‘You should’ve told me.’
‘Why?’ She gave him a chilly glance.
‘I was your husband; I should’ve known about what you’d been through.’
‘I don’t like people feeling sorry for me. I had years of it. “There goes the poor girl whose mother committed suicide.” Do you know what that feels like? To be stared at, wondered about, speculated on?’
‘Have you told anyone?’ he asked. ‘Eliza, for instance?’
She shook her head, the line of her mouth grim. ‘I met Eliza at university. After what I’d been through at school I decided to keep my past life totally private.’
‘It must have been a nightmare.’ His tone was gentle.
‘It was but I’m over it now.’
‘Are you?’
She shifted her eyes from his. ‘I don’t even think about it any more.’
‘What about your father?’ he asked. ‘Have you seen him since your mother’s death?’
‘No and I don’t want to.’ Her voice was determined. ‘He didn’t just leave my mother, he left me as well.’
Xavier pressed his lips together in a musing gesture. ‘I think I’m starting to see why our marriage was doomed to fail.’
‘What do you mean?’ She gave him a wary look.
‘Your feelings of insecurity left little room for trust in our relationship. Your father abandoned your mother and as a result you see all men in much the same light, as unprincipled opportunists intent on riding roughshod over you to get what they want.’
‘So it was my fault our marriage failed? What about your part in it?’
‘I didn’t say it was all your fault. However, if I had known how you had felt at the time, I could’ve made some allowances.’
‘Such as?’
‘I’m not sure,’ he sighed. ‘Maybe listen more. I seem to remember I wasn’t all that good at that back then.’
She found his unexpected confession surprising, but instead of telling him so, remained silent.
‘I guess I was so blinded by what I felt for you I couldn’t see what was happening to us. And as you’ve said on previous occasions I was too career-focused. I had a goal in front of me and was heading straight for it; the fact that you were in the way of it didn’t occur to me until it was too late. Like you, I was operating from the model set down by my family. I didn’t question it; I just got on with it.’
‘We both made mistakes.’ She found her voice at last.
‘I suppose the trick is not to make them again,’ he said.
‘Yes…’ She lowered her gaze to stare at her hands.
He stood watching her for a moment, his forehead creased in a frown. It shocked him to think he’d been married to her for three years and in all that time he’d never known about the circumstances of her mother’s death. He’d asked about her parents once or twice, but sensing her reluctance, had assumed she was slightly ashamed of her poorer background. He hadn’t pressed her and had been content to simply fall into bed with her instead, not realising until now what a mistake it had been to let those sorts of sleeping dogs lie for so long.
No wonder she’d found their marriage so suffocating, not to mention his overbearing family. Her fight for independence had been more of a fight for survival because she never wanted to be as vulnerable as her mother had been. Her career had been her passport to the sort of financial freedom her mother had had no access to and in his ignorance he had expected her to relinquish that security.
‘Carli…’ He swallowed, wondering where he should begin, but she’d already gone to the door and was opening it.
‘I need some time alone,’ she said without turning to look at him.
It was the slap in the face he knew he deserved but it stung all the same.
‘I understand.’
The door closed behind her but Xavier knew it would be hours, maybe even days before the fragrance of her perfume left his room.
CHAPTER SEVEN
CARLI waited until Xavier had left the house the next morning before coming downstairs. She knew she was being a coward but every time she thought of how she’d responded to him the night before she felt herself grow hot inside out with shame.
How could she have let him win another round? It meant nothing to him, it was just sex, but to her it was everything. She hadn’t just given him her body; she’d offered him her soul, but he’d trampled on it just as her father had done to her mother, just as Aidan Dangar was doing to Eliza.
Her visit to her friend later that afternoon was hardly reassuring.
‘What do you mean you didn’t go to the doctor?’ Carli asked as she picked up the squawking baby off the floor. ‘You promised me you’d go.’
Eliza gave her a sullen look and reached for her cigarettes. ‘I forgot.’
‘How could you forget? I phoned you an hour before to remind you.’
‘I changed my mind.’
‘Eliza, this is ridiculous. You want to keep the children, don’t you?’
‘You know I do.’
‘Then this is where the battle begins, can’t you see that?’ Carli urged. ‘You have to be healthy, it’s a major priority. No court will hand you full custody of the kids unl
ess you can prove you’re up to the task of taking care of them.’
‘Trust you to take Xavier’s side in this. What did he do to get you on side? Coax you back into his bed?’
Carli could feel her guilt wash over her face but there was nothing she could do to stop it.
Eliza gave her a sneering look. ‘I thought as much. You never could resist him, could you?’
‘My relationship with Xavier is not open for discussion,’ she said firmly. ‘What we’re discussing here is your health. I’m going to call the doctor’s surgery right now and arrange an immediate appointment and I will accompany you. I don’t care if I have to drag you kicking and screaming from this house, you’re coming with me and that’s that.’
Eliza gave in with bad grace but Carli felt grateful that at least when they left the house half an hour later it was only baby Brody who’d done the kicking and screaming.
She sat in the waiting room while Eliza saw the doctor, the baby chewing messily on a teething rusk as he sat on her lap. Four-year-old Amelia sat at her feet playing with a puzzle with the sort of quiet intent that secretly worried Carli. How many of her parents’ arguments had the solemn little girl overheard? What fears did that small blonde head contain?
Eliza came out of the doctor’s surgery with a blood-sample patch on one arm and a watery smile on her face.
‘What did she say?’ Carli asked softly as they walked out to the car, conscious of Amelia’s acute hearing.
‘You were right, Carli. The doctor thinks I’ve got a hormone imbalance. She took some blood and though it will take a couple of days to know for certain she’s confident that what I’ve got is an autoimmune disease called Grave’s disease. I know the name isn’t all that reassuring but apparently it’s quite common after pregnancy and certainly all my symptoms fit.’
‘How do they treat it?’
‘Tablets, or sometimes an operation to remove part of the thyroid gland.’
‘You’ll have to tell Aidan straight away,’ Carli insisted. ‘He needs to know.’
Eliza gave her a quelling look as she got into the car. ‘To borrow one of your own phrases of five years ago: I’m never going to see or speak to my husband ever again.’
Carli clipped Amelia’s seat belt into place without responding; there were far too many of her phrases from the past coming back to haunt her without Eliza adding to their number.
As the rest of the week unfolded Carli became increasingly aware of Xavier’s efforts to keep his distance. He addressed her both politely and briefly in the mornings but she spent the evenings alone, usually going to bed before he came home.
She lay in bed each night listening to the sounds of him moving about the house, wishing she had the courage to face him and tell him of her regrets over what had happened in the past.
Whenever she heard the sound of his firm tread on the stairs she couldn’t help holding her breath until they went past her door to the master bedroom further down the hall.
Every night when she heard the shower running in the bathroom she tortured herself with images of his hard-muscled body standing beneath the spray, her hands clenching into fists either side of her to stop them from twitching the bedcovers aside so she could join him as she had done so many times when they’d been together.
It didn’t make for a restful night and the long, empty days were no better. Without the structure of work she grew increasingly restless, her nerves stretching to breaking point as she imagined Xavier out each night with another woman. Why else would he be out so late every evening?
On Friday evening, rather than sit waiting in an empty house, Carli took herself to a movie, not bothering to leave a message on Xavier’s answering service as he hadn’t been home before eleven all week.
She sat in the almost empty row and stared at the screen but her thoughts kept drifting until she lost track of the complicated plot. The images flickered anonymously as she thought about her future with Xavier, unable to stop herself from agonising over what might have been.
How different it would be if they were looking forward to a life together with their expected child as a bonus! How different if would be if love was what bound them, not responsibility.
Just as she was about to leave the cinema she felt a tiny fluttering in her belly and stood very still, waiting to see if she would feel it again. She held her breath and another flutter started, the tiny movement reminding her of the wings of a tiny moth trapped inside someone’s gently closed palm.
She smiled a soft smile as her hand rested on her abdomen, a great wave of love for Xavier coursing through her as she thought of their tiny infant stretching its limbs inside her.
She had only just turned her key in the lock on returning to his house when the door was flung open to reveal Xavier standing over her in a towering rage.
‘I suppose it might be too much to ask where you have been for the last—’ he inspected his watch ‘—five or so hours?’
She brushed past him in the doorway and, dropping her bag to the floor, turned and faced him. ‘I wasn’t aware I had to sign in and sign out.’
‘Where have you been?’ he growled at her. ‘I’ve been out of my mind with worry.’
She gave him a cynical glance. ‘Why don’t you qualify that statement? You were worried about the baby—not me.’
He frowned at her tone. ‘I called your office and they told me you were on two weeks’ sick leave. How could you think I wasn’t worried about you?’
‘Your concern is really rather touching but completely wasted on me,’ she said. ‘I was out. That’s all you need to know.’
‘With whom?’
‘I could ask you the very same question for every night of this past week but I’m not going to pretend an interest I don’t feel.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
She gave him a withering look. ‘You’ve got a hide, hauling me over the coals for deigning to come here at—’ she inspected her watch as he had done ‘—ten-thirty when every night this week you haven’t come in before eleven.’
‘I was working.’
‘At what?’ she asked. ‘Your love life?’
‘That’s a reprehensible thing to say, considering our current relationship.’
‘And just what is our current relationship?’ She sent him a black look. ‘Why don’t you run it past me one more time? I’m a little hazy on the particulars.’
‘You know exactly what it is.’
‘Let me remember, now…oh, yes, it’s all coming back to me now. You got me pregnant and you’re doing the right thing by me by insisting I live with you, blackmail being your modus operandi. How could I forget?’
‘You’re being totally unreasonable.’
‘I’m being unreasonable?’
‘I’m trying to do the right thing by you.’
‘The right thing?’ She glared at him furiously. ‘The right thing would have been to leave me alone in the first place.’
He folded his arms across his chest and adopted a pose of extreme boredom. ‘OK, I can see you’re itching for a showdown so let’s get it over with.’
She was incensed by his attitude. ‘I can’t believe your two-faced audacity! I have spent every night this week in solitude, I go out just once to a movie and you’re calling in the FBI to track my movements. What sort of double standard is that?’
‘What movie did you see?’
‘It was…’ She hunted through her brain for a title but it came up with nothing; she couldn’t even recall a principal actor. ‘I don’t remember. I wasn’t all that interested.’
The look he gave her was cynical. ‘Nice try, but wholly unconvincing.’
‘I did see a movie!’
‘Yeah, right.’
‘I’m not good with titles when I’m stressed.’
‘I believe you,’ he said in a tone which suggested he didn’t.
‘I was distracted…I didn’t follow the plot.’
‘Now you’re getting d
esperate.’
She felt like screaming at him. ‘I was thinking about other things!’
‘What other things?’
‘What’s with all these questions?’ she asked. ‘Why don’t you tell me where you were all this week?’
‘Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t going in to work?’ he threw back.
‘You’re never home long enough to talk about anything,’ she said.
‘Have you missed me?’
‘Of course I didn’t miss you!’
‘Then why ask me where I’ve been?’
‘I…’ She floundered for a moment. ‘I don’t see why I have to reveal all my movements to you if you don’t do the same for me.’
‘I already told you—I was at work. If you don’t believe me you can always check with my secretary.’
‘She’d only say what you pay her to say,’ she shot back cynically.
‘I think you do Elaine a disservice,’ he said. ‘Like you, she thinks I’m a total jerk for how I’ve treated you in the past.’
She stared at him, her anger fading as if he’d flicked a switch.
‘She…she does?’
‘She thinks you’re far too sweet for me,’ he said, his expression wry. ‘Mind you, I didn’t let on about the vases. I thought she might see that for herself the next time you come into my office in one of your fight-picking moods.’
‘Very funny,’ she drawled. ‘Why don’t you nail down the furniture in case I’m tempted to add a filing cabinet to my repertoire?’
He held her defiant look with lazy amusement. ‘Somehow I can’t quite see you tossing anything bigger than a pot plant at me in your condition.’ His eyes slid over the tight mound of her abdomen before returning to her caramel gaze.
Carli felt heat coursing through her at his lazy appraisal, her skin lifting in sharp awareness of him standing so close to her.
She moistened her dry lips and made to step back but one of his hands came down on her shoulder in a warm touch that sent a shiver of reaction to her toes and back.
‘Don’t run away, Carli.’
‘I…I’m not running away…’
Back In Her Husband's Bed (Bedded By Blackmail) Page 11