by RR Haywood
‘Yes, Mr Howie. An hour or two at the most,’ Dave replies.
‘I knew it. I knew it,’ Reginald mutters and turns to face Howie, Clarence and Nick, ‘it didn’t count the housing estate.’
‘Er, what didn’t count the what?’ Howie asks.
‘The infection,’ Reginald says while nodding rapidly, ‘it did not count the housing estate we passed as a centre of habitation.’
‘Right. I don’t know what that means,’ Howie says.
‘Ha,’ Reginald claps his hands together, ‘yes…yes you see…we have the start of a show of a hand. Yes…the defined parameters are showing…’
‘Um, Reginald?’ Howie asks slowly.
‘I was right, or at least one of my options were right. Yes indeed. The other player has just shown us something we might be able to use.’
‘Use? What other player? Where are they going, Reggie?’
‘Reginald,’ Reginald says, ‘and they’re going to the next town to wait for you,’ he adds with another curt nod.
‘How do you know that?’
‘You wanted a coffee break then I suggest you do so here, although,’ Reginald stops to hold a finger up, ‘we are being watched as we speak.’
‘What the fuck is going on?’ Nick asks.
‘I need a map,’ Reginald says striding back past them towards the others, ‘yes yes yes, we’re being watched right now…there will be one, Mr Howie…somewhere near here…’
‘Reggie…mate…’ Howie calls out as they start jogging after him, ‘slow down…what’s going on?’
‘Reggie?’ Marcy calls out as he walks back towards them, ‘what is…’
‘He’s fucking lost it,’ Nick mutters, ‘what the fuck is he on about?’
‘Right, Reggie,’ Howie says forcing some authority into his voice that at least brings Reginald to a stop in the middle of the main group, ‘mate, how did you know they were going to the next town?’
‘I’ve already said how I know,’ Reginald says with a roll of his eyes, ‘because you counted the…’
‘Yeah I got that bit, I counted the housing estate as a centre of…whatever you said.’
‘Habitation.’
‘Yeah habitation.’
‘What’s he on about?’ Paula asks.
‘Okay, hang on,’ Howie holds a hand up to keep everyone quiet, ‘Reggie said he knew they were going that way…through that bit where the pond was…Dave went in and said a group had gone through in the last hour or two and Meredith was growling when she sniffed the ground…’
‘So they did go that way?’ Paula asks as though to clarify.
‘Guess so,’ Howie says shrugging, ‘and then Reggie said it was something to do with the housing estate…’
‘What housing estate?’ Cookey asks.
‘I came from an estate, d’you mean mine?’ Mo Mo asks helpfully.
‘Shush,’ Reginald says with a sudden alert expression that has every rifle snapping up and everyone looking for the target, ‘we can’t talk here…’
‘Fuck me, Reggie!’ Blowers groans ‘I thought you saw something…’
‘They will be watching us,’ Reginald says quietly and pretending not to speak by keeping his mouth as closed as possible, ‘everyone act normal.’
‘What the fuck?’ Nick mutters again.
‘Mr Howie, please…please just trust me…’ Reginald says with his lips still pursed while he casually looks about the area, ‘just stand everyone down as though we are moving back out and we’ll find somewhere else to stop and talk.’
‘Reginald, you are not making any bloody sense,’ Marcy says.
‘Mr Howie,’ Reginald rushes the words out, ‘they will be watching and listening and we’ve already given enough of the game away.’
The group stare round at the doors and windows, eyes scanning the intact and broken glass.
‘Anyone see anything?’ Howie asks quietly, ‘Dave? Mo?’
‘Nuffin’’ Mo Mo mutters.
‘Meredith is relaxed,’ Nick says looking down at the dog.
‘Reggie,’ Howie says turning to look at the clearly very frustrated man, ‘listen mate…’
‘My name is Reginald and I am right! Do not say a word here…’ he says locking eyes on Howie, ‘they will be watching and most likely listening…what we have already said is damage enough…’
‘Yeah I get that,’ Howie says gently, ‘but mate you’re kinda not making much sense right now.’
‘Right. I see,’ Reginald feels the first plummet of his nerves at the awkward looks being sent his way by everyone else. Some of pity, some glaring. This is the reason he didn’t speak out before. He knew they wouldn’t listen. ‘No, no you are right,’ he says more to himself and visibly sagging on the spot, ‘yes indeed, I forgot my place. Please forgive me and of course my apologies to the group for the intrusion and…’
‘Pack that in,’ Clarence cuts in with the sharp rebuke.
‘Okay,’ Howie says quietly, ‘we do as Reggie says and move out. Which way are we going?’
When no one answers Reginald looks up to see every face staring at him and Howie waiting for an answer, ‘you’re asking me?’
‘Yes. Which way?’
‘Oh right. Gosh. I. Well. We need some…I would suggest we go back the way we came…’
‘Okay, back the way we came it is,’ Howie says glancing round at the team.
‘Unless,’ Reginald says holding a pointing finger up, ‘I wonder…I wonder if we could find the sentry and stay here but no, no that would give the game away that we know they left one behind to watch out for us…but then…’
‘Reginald,’ Marcy groans.
‘Shush,’ Howie cuts her off with a hard look, ‘let him think. Take your time, Reginald.’
‘Yes yes indeed,’ Reginald stares round at the immediate view, ‘yes they wouldn’t be expecting us to come down this road but rather to go straight past on the main road so there would be no point in placing an observer all the way down here,’ he says with a look of triumph at Howie, ‘we need to stop here for a refreshment break.’
Marcy clears her throat pointedly, ‘Reggie, you just said we have to leave here and not say anything.’
‘Yes I know but now I am considering the fact that…you see the predictability of your plan was going to be the downfall and I was right, or at least by coming here I found I was right. They will be waiting for you at the next town. Lots of them.’
‘He said that a minute ago,’ Howie says to the alarmed looks on the others faces, ‘Reggie, I say this respectfully but you still ain’t making any sense. Do you want us to stop here or move out from here?’
‘Er, why are we asking Reggie that question?’ Marcy asks.
‘No. Yes,’ Reginald says thinking furiously, ‘yes we need to leave here…and continue on the same road as intended as though heading towards the next town but,’ he holds that finger up again, ‘we can stop for a refreshment break on the way…but not at the next town because they will be waiting for us at the next town so I suggest we stop before we get to the next town. A good distance from the next town and somewhere we can talk in private.’
‘Fuck,’ Howie says lifting his eyebrows to absorb the rush of words, ‘private? What you mean me and you?’
‘Pardon? No I mean us. You. All of you and me. Somewhere we can all talk in private that is not being overheard or watched.’
‘Okay. So a house?’ Howie asks hopefully, ‘a house before we get to the next town? Is that right?’
‘Yes,’ Reginald nods, ‘but it has to be isolated so you must check it thoroughly,’ he looks to Dave, ‘you must check it very thoroughly,’ nervous, sweating, clearly terrified but also full of a new energy and the man obviously has something to say.
‘We’ll check it,’ Howie says, ‘everyone load up. Reggie? You staying with Roy?’
‘Hmmm, yes…I need to think and get my thoughts in order. Yes. Yes I think so.’
‘Right,’ Howie says slowly,
‘moving out then.’
Seven
At his desk he stays quiet. Deep in thought with a hundred strands of ideas all forming to move organically through their natural cycles. Right hand resting on the surface of the desk. Left hand on his lap. Staring ahead but not seeing. Not twitching now either apart from his right foot which taps the floor in a steady rhythm that gives cadence to the speed of the thoughts, slowing when those thoughts hit walls and speeding when those walls are either beaten through or navigated round.
‘I just don’t like being spoken to like that,’ Paula says purposefully loud enough for Reginald to hear, ‘I was merely asking if he needed anything.’
‘Yes I know,’ Roy says trying to adopt a soothing, understanding but not patronising tone of voice which is a complex thing to do when you’re tucking in tight behind a whopping great army vehicle trying to turn in the road, ‘but he isn’t a child, Paula.’
‘Well. Just well,’ Paula huffs knowing she was treating Reginald like a child but it was her instinct to care for the group and make sure everyone was okay and you can’t fight instinct.
‘Maps!’ Reginald blurts, ‘we need maps. Tell Mr Howie we need to get maps,’ he adds rising from the chair to the hatch into the cabin, ‘ordnance survey maps of the area. We need ordnance survey maps of…’
‘Now?’ Paula asks taking care not to speak like an adult to a child.
‘Yes now,’ Reginald scoffs and tuts, ‘of course now, we need maps now. Tell Mr Howie to get maps. Ordnance survey maps and I will need the scales to be…
‘Paula to Marcy, Reginald is saying we need to get some maps.’
‘Ordnance survey maps. Tell them we need ordnance survey maps.’
‘He’s saying we need ordnance survey maps.’
‘Okay, hang on.’
‘Oh gosh no, don’t tell them we need maps over the radio! What was I thinking?’
‘Too late,’ Paula says bluntly.
The Saxon comes to a halt in front as the rear doors burst open to reveal Dave, Blowers and the rest all leaping down and running back to the shops on the High Street. Meredith bounding to go with them.
Windows smash. Doors are forced and Reginald watches with impatience as they run into the shops one by one and then reappear empty handed before running down to the next one and finally all running back to the Saxon again empty handed.
‘No maps,’ Marcy reports over the radio.
‘But we need maps,’ Reginald points out, ‘ordnance survey maps. Tell them to find some.’
‘Reggie, you can’t just snap your fingers like that,’ Paula says turning to face him, ‘they’ve checked the shops and they couldn’t find any.’
‘Reginald, it’s Howie. No maps here. Are they essential?’
‘Here,’ Paula says handing him the handset.
‘How does it work?’
‘Press the button and speak into it.’
‘Like this? Is this right?’
‘Yep that’s it, Reggie.’
‘Reginald. Yes we need maps…ordnance survey maps…FOR FOOD! Yes we need the maps to make sure we know where the places are to get FOOD…er…over?’
‘Why are you shouting the word food?’
‘Because we need…the…maps…to…get…food…but not for any other reason…’
‘Oh I get you, yep with you now, mate. Right we need maps for food…er…no maps here though…we’ll find some somewhere else.’
‘When?’
‘I don’t know but we’ll find them somewhere else.’
‘Where?’
‘I don’t know that either, Reginald.’
‘Will it be soon?’
‘Yes, we’ll find some soon.’
‘How soon?’
‘As soon as possible.’
‘Today?’
‘Yes, today.’
‘Before we stop for a refreshment break?’
‘Fuck me….yes we’ll find some before we stop.’
‘Where from?’
‘How the hell…I don’t know, Reggie. We’ll have to hunt round or look in the next town…’
‘We cannot do that.’
‘Yes I just realised as soon as I said it. Er…maybe we’ll find a house with some maps? People keep maps don’t they?’
‘No. People use Google and satellite navigations aids. People do not use ordnance survey maps unless they have a reason for the use of an ordnance survey map such as walking, orienteering, hiking, camping and pleasure activities in the countryside at large…’
‘Are you and Dave related?’
‘I…pardon?’
‘I mean you’re the same size and…you’re very similar in many ways. Dave? Are you related to Reggie? He said he doesn't think so. And he hates being called David the way you hate being called Reggie. Maybe you are related.’
‘There is no relevancy to this issue of any form of kinship with Dave.’
‘Yep, you and Dave are definitely related. Cousins maybe?’
‘Really, Mr Howie. We are discussing the sourcing of ordnance survey maps which we shall need to locate as soon as possible and before we stop for a refreshment break but also without going to the next town.’
‘Dave was adopted! He was. Dave you were adopted right? He was adopted. Hey maybe you’re like brothers or something.’
‘Can we focus on finding ordnance survey maps please?’
‘Yup, will do. If we find a scientist person we’ll get them to do DNA tests on you both. I bet you’re related. Everyone in here thinks you must be related…apart from Dave who isn’t really saying anything but then that’s quite normal for Dave.’
‘He’s got a point,’ Paula says staring at Reginald as though examining him, ‘you are the same height. Dave is a lot slimmer and muscular than you but…’
‘I am not fat.’
‘Eh?’
‘I never said fat I just said Dave was slimmer and more muscular.’
‘Therefore implying I am fat. I am not fat. I am not toned I grant you that but…perhaps I carry some extra weight around my mid-section but I can assure you I am not a gluttonous slob.’
‘Reggie, are you talking to Paula? You’re pressing the button.’
‘There really is a lot of similarities though,’ Paula muses, ‘Roy? Don’t you think?’
‘I don’t care. Are we going now?’
‘What’s got into you?’
‘Nothing, but we’re wasting time and I would like a coffee.’
‘Someone’s getting grumpy.’
‘Howie to Reginald, is it okay to go back to that village we were in? The one with the thatched roofs? They’ll more than likely have maps there and we can get a coffee and have a break…plus we killed everything there…’
‘Yes I think that will be fine but we must…must…be sure of the er…of the safety…of the er…we really should take great care in ensuring the chosen location for our refreshment break is a place that is er…that is not inhabited by er…’
‘Don’t worry, we’ll check it thoroughly. We’ll get your cousin to do it.’
‘Dave is not my cousin but yes, if Dave could check it thoroughly then it would be er…beneficial to our er…current situation in that we can er…enjoy our refreshment break without fear of er…being attacked or disturbed…’
‘Righto. Roy, we’re going back to the thatched village.’
‘I do feel somewhat grumpy,’ Roy says as he tucks in behind the Saxon.
‘You sound it,’ Paula replies stretching her legs out and sighing, ‘blood sugar.’
‘What?’
‘Your blood sugar has gone down. You need a drink or something.’
‘What? Oh my God…’
‘What? Oh, Roy. I didn’t mean it like that…’
‘I’m diabetic.’
‘You are not diabetic.’
‘I’m going into a glycaemic coma.’
‘You’re not diabetic.’
‘I did a test,’ he says as they reach the junction
and turn back onto the main road they used earlier, ‘just before I met you. I did a test.’
‘Was it okay?’
‘It was fine but I think I must have developed diabetes after.’
‘You have not developed diabetes.’
‘This heat and not eating at proper times. It can happen like that.’
‘Roy, you’re not diabetic.’
‘I’m thirsty,’ Roy whimpers, ‘that’s a sign of diabetes.’
‘It’s as hot as a bloody jungle. We’re all thirsty. Here, have some water.’
‘And I need to urinate,’ he says swallowing as his hands grip the steering wheel, ‘thirsty…needing to use the toilet….bad moods…they’re all symptoms of diabetes you know.’
‘Yes but you could just be thirsty, need a wee and be grumpy because it’s hot and we’re pissing about all over the place.’
‘I’ve got diabetes,’ he says, ‘I know it. I knew it would get me. I’ll need insulin and a blood testing kit…I’ll need a doctor. Should we go back to the fort? Tell Howie I’m having a glycaemic attack and we should head back to the fort.’
‘Roy, you are not having any attack of anything. You are just hot and thirsty and needing a wee.’
‘But…but…’
‘Okay, we’ll stop and have a drink and if you still think the same we’ll find a testing kit. Okay?’
‘Okay. I’ll try and hang on.’
‘Yes, you hang on.’
‘Be prepared to take the wheel in case I collapse.’
‘I will.’
‘Do you know the recovery position?’
‘Yes, Roy. I know the recovery position. You just need some sugar or something to eat…but not because you’re diabetic but because we’re all hungry and hot and thirsty…that village will have food. All those tea gardens and jam doesn't go off. I bet they have loads of jam.’
‘The jam will be full of bogeys,’ Reginald shouts from his desk.
‘Jam does go off,’ Roy says.
‘It’s a preservative, it doesn't go off if it’s sealed properly.’
‘It’s full of bogeys.’
‘I don’t want to get poisoned. You have to be careful of things like that when you’re diabetic.’
‘You are not diabetic, Roy.’
‘I feel shaky.’
‘You’re shaky because you’ve got yourself all worked up.’