No. One problem at a time, she told herself firmly.
“What did Elizabeth say?” Clare rubbed her forehead.
“This morning, I spoke to her father only. At the depot, she gave me the cold shoulder. She’s still willing to marry me, I believe, but only because it means her social standing will be guaranteed. Of course, pleasing her father will—how shall I put it?—increase his generosity?”
“I see.” She didn’t see a thing. Never in her life had she been so confused. What was it about being around Noah that confused her so much?
Noah cleared his throat, his gaze scattering about the office. Was he nervous? He stood. “Shall I pick you up at your house tomorrow morning? Or will you meet me at the church?”
So he was still planning to marry her? Her heart leaped.
Then plummeted. She was marrying Noah tomorrow and yet, he had said nothing of reconciling with his father.
She should remind him. But they were getting married tomorrow! There was too much to do, even for a ceremony as small as she was going to have, to sit down with Noah and have a deep, important conversation about his father.
Clare’s heart lurched. She would never see her father again and tell him about her anger toward him. Despite his flaws, her father was a good man and had often listened to her bemoan childish things. She ached to pour out her feelings to him one more time.
She’d never be able to hear him defend his decision to abandon her and her brothers, either.
Noah must never face this guilt, this grief. He’d never forgive himself. But what could she do?
Clare stood, tried desperately to pull herself together and say something.
But nothing came except one terrible idea, and she dared not suggest it here.
Chapter Twenty
This was starting to get annoyingly repetitive. Clare pulled her family’s wagon up close to the stable and with care, she alighted. The evening was cloudy and cool, but thankfully, she’d slipped into a warm, older skirt after work, an outdated style that allowed far more movement than this year’s snug fashions. She’d planned to cook herself a small supper. She had also planned to spend the evening figuring out what to wear for her wedding. But not now.
Hers had been the most atypical engagement ever.
Just as well, considering what she was going to do.
She was going to end this engagement. Noah needed to do something more important. It hurt far more than expected, but she couldn’t allow her wedding to go forward.
He needed the impetus to return home and fix his relationship with his father before he moved on with his life. Then he could marry for love, when he finally met the right woman.
Icy cold plunged into her stomach at that thought. So much so that it stalled her steps. Would she someday see Noah in town, wife and children in tow, happy and in love?
She hated that thought. But there was nothing she could do.
A small sob caught in her throat and she forced it back down.
“Noah?” she called out, hoping he was in the stable caring for Turnip. She wanted to get this difficult conversation over with. If done quickly, she could ride out to the MacLeod ranch, retrieve her brothers and still be home in time for them to get a good night’s sleep. After all they’d been through, they certainly needed it.
Think of them. Think of doing the right thing for Noah, too.
“Noah, are you here?” Her question bounced around the small yard, against the rough boards of the stable and back at her.
With a pat on her horse’s neck, she stepped toward the stable. “We need to talk.”
She hesitated. Behind her, her horse let out a sharp whinny, startling her. The hairs on Clare’s neck rose inexplicably, fueling sudden doubt.
Why was she doing this? Why was she destroying her only chance at keeping her and her brothers together? Hadn’t she promised them she’d keep them safe? And why was the memory of Noah holding her, kissing her, suddenly invading her mind? She didn’t need this confusion.
Forget it. She couldn’t secure her family’s unity at Noah’s expense. Shouldn’t they both be pure in heart and soul when they were wedded? It didn’t feel right to have Noah’s ill feelings toward his father hanging over their heads after they were married. Would Noah use the excuse of a new family to avoid mending his relationship with his father?
A marriage should not be used in this way, or to solve her problems. Marriage was too sacred for that.
But to lose Noah? She tried to force her feet to move, but found they refused. The mere idea cut her so deeply, it nearly made her cry out.
This was ridiculous. The more she thought about her decision, the harder it was becoming to implement. Nevertheless, she must not let her own fears stop her from doing what was best for Noah.
If he needed a nudge in the right direction, she needed to give it to him.
Forcing her feet to move, she pushed aside the door into the stable a few inches and slipped inside. The relative dark engulfed her, for the far door to the paddock beyond was tightly closed.
Clare blinked, barely seeing the large dark mass jerk around in front of her. It reared up, let out a resentful scream and only then did Clare realize how very dangerous it was.
* * *
From the far end of the paddock, Noah heard Turnip’s scream of anger. Galvanized into action, he bolted immediately, and by the time he reached the fence beside the stable, Noah was at a full gallop. Smacking his hand down on the top rail, he easily vaulted over the horizontal logs. He landed on the free side and continued his race around to the front of the stable.
Clare’s wagon and horse stood there. In fear, her horse was trying to back up, but the wagon was hindering him. Noah gasped and roared into the stable.
The interior was dark, a blinding and heavy blackness. Noah shoved hard on the sliding door to let in light. His blood ran cold at what he saw.
Clare lay before him on the dirt. Having unhitched his door with his mouth, as Noah had seen him do before, Turnip was prancing around, his screams and snorts proving his anger.
Noah gasped and dived toward Clare, sweeping over to shield her from the pony’s attacks. A large canvas tarpaulin hung nearby. Noah grabbed it and swung it outward. It sailed over to land on the pony’s head and neck. Startled, Turnip backed up, and Noah knew he had only seconds to get Clare to safety.
He hauled her into his arms and rushed outside. After setting her as gently as he could against the stable’s wall, he shoved hard on the sliding door, trapping the furious Turnip inside.
His heart still pounding, Noah lifted Clare once more and charged into his house. The room he’d given to the boys was the closest and he gently laid her down on the bed.
She stirred, her eyes fluttering and a groan slipping from her throat.
“Don’t move,” he warned. He did a quick check of her bones, and thankfully, nothing felt broken. She winced once as he skimmed past her elbow, but after easing up her sleeve, he discovered just a graze.
She would be bruised and sore tomorrow, but nothing else.
Thank You, Lord.
Another sharp, equine cry rent the air and reached them, even through the thick log walls of his home. Turnip, still angry. A series of hard cracks followed. He was trying to kick his way to freedom.
Noah hurried outside, afraid that Clare’s horse would try to bolt while still attached to her wagon. He quickly unharnessed the big animal and led it around the stable to the paddock gate, all the while soothing it. Once Noah opened the gate, the horse hurried into the paddock, as if understanding the safety it offered.
Another series of bangs echoed from inside the stable. Turnip’s tantrum rose.
Noah eased around the stable’s corner. The sliding door was bearing the brunt of Turnip’s fit.
With e
ach kick, the door’s lower half rattled and sent shards of wood outward. The realization hit him hard.
The pony could not be tamed.
His first rescue was a failure. Noah swallowed. Bitter disappointment caught in his throat and he fought back the urge to argue with himself.
For months now, he’d tried to convince himself that he could tame Turnip. He’d even thought he’d had some success.
No, he told himself. He’d just been able to anticipate the pony’s moods, read the language the animal was displaying and act accordingly.
This morning, he’d noticed the animal had been agitated and had kept it in its stall and in the dark in an attempt to calm it. With water and some feed, the pony had been fine for the day. Or so he thought. The animal had undone the bolt and freed itself from its stall.
Another series of harsh bangs began. Clare must have really surprised Turnip for him to act this foul.
Clare. She could have died because of Noah’s prideful refusal to admit a failure.
Time to let the pony go. He wouldn’t risk lives for the sake of pride.
He slipped along the wall until he reached the far side of the sliding door. He carefully pulled on it, allowing it to glide toward him.
Turnip spilled out, an angry, bucking and stomping mass that seemed larger than the pony actually was. Noah stayed dead still, knowing as long as he pressed against the wall with the unhitched wagon in front of him, the pony would not see him as a threat.
At one point, the beast stopped, his ears pinned back so deeply, they lay flat against his neck. He turned, lifted his head and sniffed the air. The whites of his eyes glowed as he spotted Noah.
Then, with a snort and a spray of dust, he raced off toward the mountains. A sad smile hovered on Noah’s lips. At least Turnip was heading away from danger. Yes, he was taking with him Noah’s dreams, but he would be safe in the mountains, away from angry ranchers. Turnip would never go near people again. He’d be safe.
* * *
Having hurried achingly into the kitchen, Clare sagged at the window, never so thankful in all her life. That pony had barely given Noah a glance before dashing away and leaving him unhurt.
Then her heart dropped along with her shoulders. Noah stood behind her wagon, watching the pony run off.
His only attempt at rescuing an animal had failed. He’d saved that creature from death with the hope of breaking it and selling it and starting his ranch on a positive note, but now, that dream seemed as distant as the pony was.
Noah had deliberately released the animal even though it was the last thing he wanted.
Her heart lurched. She had to do the same thing with Noah. Release him from his promise to marry her.
It was the last thing she wanted, she suddenly realized. But it was for the best.
Yes, she needed to let Noah go. It was the only way to force him to fix the things that should matter in a person’s life. Family. The chance to marry someone he truly cared for. To love.
Love? Like she loved him right now?
Yes, she loved Noah and ached with him at his failure. She ached to rush out and pull him into a loving, comforting embrace.
Her breath caught in her throat as she remembered Miss Worth’s words about love. Had her mentor recognized that Clare loved Noah, even before she did? One small insignificant thing like a mosquito had stolen Miss Worth’s love away from her. She had been warning Clare that small things could ruin her life.
What small thing had Miss Worth seen?
Elizabeth? The tiny woman had wrecked several lives and was on her way to ruining her own. A petite woman with an enormous pride, like the mosquito Miss Worth discussed. A small creature with a terrible germ.
Heat rose into Clare’s neck and cheeks. Yes, she loved Noah. A strange feeling gripped around her heart, and she instantly recalled last fall when she had first started to work at the Recording Office. She’d excitedly told Victoria all about her new job. But her mind had been on Noah.
She’d been starting to fall in love then. All these months, and she hadn’t even realized it.
Yes. She did love him. And a part of her knew that before she’d even kissed Noah. It didn’t take a sage to see that she’d kissed him in a desperate attempt to convince him to stay and marry her.
It was because she loved him that she knew what she now needed to do.
Clare watched Noah walk slowly across the yard toward the house, his face a mask of deep pain. She swallowed, remembering a time this past winter, when a mild day had hinted at spring, and her father had been approaching the house, in his hand various pamphlets. His expression had been the same.
It hit her then. Truly loving her mother, her father had been willing to take all the risks for her well-being. Clare remembered turning around in time to spy her mother wincing. Father had risked everything for Mother, and as wrong as it had been for her father to ignore his children, it had been wrong for Clare to resent him.
Lord, forgive me for my sinful attitude.
The memory dissolved as Noah stepped into the kitchen.
He stopped when he spied Clare standing in front of the window. Her heart lurched anew at his pained expression. Oh, how she wanted to take away his hurt, to help him carry his burden.
To love him fully. Except that her love came with the responsibility of two boys and the truth that she would be destroying Noah’s chances to be happy, not to mention the possibility of mending his relationship with his father.
“You’re hurt. You should be lying down,” he told her quietly.
Her hands went immediately to her wayward hair, confirming how much of a sight she must look. “I was just shaken up, that’s all. My elbow hurts, but nothing’s broken.”
“Why did you come here, anyway? I thought we weren’t supposed to see each other before the wedding.”
“Superstitions. I don’t believe in them.” She drew in a breath to rally her courage. “Noah, we need to talk.”
* * *
Noah’s heart was still pounding as he shut the back door. Just a moment ago, he’d watched Turnip gallop away. He’d watched the animal kick the air and shake his head, allowing his mane to dance about in the wind. Noah watched him until he disappeared over the rise that led deep into the mountains that held the source of the Pride River.
How selfish he’d been. He’d wanted so badly for his ranch to be a success that he’d tried to force a wild animal to bend to his will.
Similar to what his father had tried to do.
Now, as he looked with caution at Clare, he knew he hadn’t treated her right, either. He hadn’t been honest with her.
Looking pale, Clare indicated the kitchen chairs. “Let’s sit down. I need to get off my feet for a moment.”
Noah sprang into action, hurrying over to pull out one of the kitchen chairs for her. With a sigh, she sank heavily into it. But he remained standing.
“Thank you for dragging me out of there. I don’t know what got into Turnip, or who let him out of his stall, but if you hadn’t come along, I’m sure I would have been injured far worse than I am now.”
“As wild as he is, Turnip’s still smart. Remember how I told you and the boys that he has managed to unlock his stall door with just his lips? I’ve seen it with my own eyes. It doesn’t help that those door bolts are old and worn. What happened today was my own fault. I kept putting off replacing them.” He stopped and swallowed. “Let’s not talk about that. I don’t want to even think about what could have happened.”
“You let him go.”
“I couldn’t keep him.” Noah started to pace. “I’ve been telling myself I could break him and train him, but I’ve just been fooling myself. I’ve been too proud to admit failure.”
She frowned suddenly, and her mouth thinned. “Noah, pride has brought many pe
ople down. So it’s good to see you can overcome it, because you need to do it again.”
“What do you mean?”
“You need to swallow your pride and go home.”
“I am home.”
“No, I mean home to New York State.”
“Why?”
She sat straight. “Pride has destroyed your relationship with your family. You shouldn’t start another important relationship until the first one is mended. You told your father you would only marry for love. It may have been just words to get out of a situation, but I think that a part of you really meant it. Your deep concern for horses and for Turnip, especially in letting him go, shows that love is important to you.”
“I don’t need to go home.”
“You do. Marriage is too sacred a relationship to come to it with all that hurt and pain and resentment. Even though you are willing to marry me to help keep my family together, you still have a lot of hurt. It’s wrong to marry with that lingering.”
Panic flared in him. “What about your brothers? Your home? How are you going to keep them?”
“I don’t know, but I know I can trust God to help me.” Clare rose and walked over to him. She touched his cheek and shook her head. “Noah, I have forgiven my father and you need to forgive yours.”
What she was daring to do made her vulnerable.
Clare continued, her words a little faster, as if she wanted to get them all out before her courage flagged. “I love you and I can’t let you marry me for all the wrong reasons. I would be burdening you with more than what your father had planned.”
He stilled, his heart pounding so fast he could feel it in his chest and throat. Did he just hear...?
She loved him? She was letting him go?
Yes. Because she loved him, she was letting him go. Just as he’d done with Turnip.
“You love me?” he whispered. He could hardly believe what she’d said to him.
“Yes. I know you don’t love me and I know I can’t drag you into my life and all the problems it has.” She laughed softly, sadly. “At first, I thought you had so much integrity. Then when I found out that part of your reasons to marry me were your feelings for your father, I thought that you had no integrity. Perhaps the reason is right in the middle. You do have integrity, but you are as human as I am.”
Rancher to the Rescue Page 22