* * *
Me: It’s only a few blocks away. It’ll suck trying to force Zoe to walk straight for that long, but I’ll be fine.
* * *
Zach: NO.
* * *
Zach: Where are you?
* * *
Me: Why? How do we know we even live in the same state?
* * *
Zach: Area codes. We aren’t that far from one another.
* * *
Me: No way? I never even thought to investigate.
* * *
Zach: Yep. Now, where are you?
* * *
Me: Lola’s in Wildwood.
* * *
Zach: Give me five minutes.
The noise of the bar comes back full force as I pull my attention from Zach. I reach over to brush back the hair lying over Zoe’s face and shake my head at her.
“Only you go out to celebrate your friend and get drunk off your ass. You’re lucky I adore you.”
My phone shakes on the bar and I quickly snatch it up, unlocking the screen to read the message.
Zach: A cabbie will be there in five minutes. He’ll help you get your roommate in the car. The fare and tip are all taken care of. If he doesn’t arrive, call me and I’ll handle it.
* * *
Me: Zach…
* * *
Zach: Delia…
* * *
Me: You didn’t have to do that!
* * *
Zach: Are you kidding me? Yes, I did. I wasn’t going to let you sit there with all the wild drunks during the thirty or so minutes it’d take me to drive there, so I went with the next best option.
* * *
Me: You’d have driven all the way here just to take me home?
* * *
Zach: In a damn heartbeat.
Five
Me: I fell asleep thinking of you.
* * *
Zach: Please tell me we’re about to sext.
* * *
Me: The moment I woke up, I ran my hand down my chest between my bountiful breasts. I slowly dragged it across my flat stomach, goose bumps rising along my skin at the touch. It wasn’t until I was right at the opening of my white cotton panties that I decided I wasn’t going to touch myself because WE ARE NOT SEXTING, YOU PERVERT.
* * *
Zach: I hate you so much right now.
* * *
Zach: I HAD A SOLID BONER GOING
* * *
Me: Did you really?
* * *
Zach: What do you expect? I’m a man, dammit! We like titties and goose bumps and white cotton panties and sex. YOU ARE EVIL.
* * *
Zach: Can we still sext later?
* * *
Me: NO!
* * *
Me: Maybe.
* * *
Me: We’ll see.
* * *
Zach: Really?!
* * *
Me: OMG NO!
* * *
Me: ;-)
* * *
Zach: I am so confused, yet still slightly turned on.
* * *
Me: Please stop telling me about your boner.
* * *
Zach: I will never not tell you about my boner. That’s not the kind of friendship I want.
* * *
Me: You’re so weird.
* * *
Zach: And…
* * *
Me: *rolls eyes* And I like it. I LIKE IT, OKAY?!
* * *
Zach: I know you do.
* * *
Me: UGH!
* * *
Me: FYI, I’m not sexting you. Ever.
* * *
Zach: But I’m REALLY cute…
* * *
Me: Oh puh-lease. Every rando on the other side of the screen will say that shit. You need to prove it.
* * *
Zach: Geez, Delia, if you wanted a picture of me, all you had to do was ask.
* * *
Me: I don’t want a picture because I’m not sexting you.
* * *
Zach: I’m sending you a picture anyway.
* * *
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
I’m scared as hell to push the download button—I mean, it could be a dick pic or something. I don’t think Zach is a douchebag, but you never know.
Screw it.
I bite my lip as I watch the circle spin and the image comes through.
“Awww!”
Me: YOU SENT ME A PICTURE OF A SMILING GOAT!
* * *
Me: You’re officially my favorite person ever.
* * *
Zach: Told you I was cute. ;-)
* * *
Me: How did you know they were my weakness?
* * *
Me: Also, will you please buy me one?
* * *
Zach: 1. EVERYONE loves smiling baby goats. That’s just science. 2. No.
* * *
Me: Rebuttal… 1. Excellent point. 2. I think you spelled yes wrong. Y-E-S.
* * *
Zach: N-O.
* * *
Me: I knitted you a damn PENIS POTHOLDER. Least you could do to repay me for my kindness is to buy me a baby goat. Don’t be a jerk, Zach. No one likes those.
* * *
Zach: Speaking of those potholders…when am I getting those? We live close. We could always meet…
* * *
Me: You think you’re so slick.
* * *
Zach: Aren’t I?
* * *
Me: No.
* * *
Zach: Well?
* * *
Me: I’ll consider it, but later. I still have to ensure you’re not a creeper.
* * *
Zach: You’ll knit a man potholders but won’t give them to him? Who’s the jerk now?
* * *
Me: Buy me that baby goat and we have a deal.
* * *
Zach: You play a tough hand, Delia.
* * *
Me: Question is, will you win this round, or will I?
Zach: I just thought of something.
* * *
Me: Congratulations!
* * *
Zach: We should “accidentally” meet up and you can “accidentally” give me those potholders.
* * *
Me: Using quotes doesn’t make your scheme not a scheme. Cheater!
* * *
Zach: Well, I never…
* * *
Me: Nice try, bucko.
* * *
Zach: I’ll break you down eventually. I WILL be the winner of this battle.
* * *
Me: Yeah, yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it.
Zach: I’m sending you a picture. It is NOT a dick pick. Also, DO NOT FUCKING JUDGE ME. Okay?
* * *
Me: First, thank you for not sending me pictures of your wiener. I appreciate it. Second, we’ll see. Third, IT IS SIX AM ON A SUNDAY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? GO TO SLEEP.
* * *
Zach: Oh shit! Did I wake you?
* * *
Me: No. Yes…but also no. I can’t sleep.
* * *
Zach: Well you’re going to be UP after you see this. ;-)
* * *
Me: Did you just try to make a boner joke and forget I can’t get boners because I HAVE A VAGINA?
* * *
Zach: It’s early. Stop judging me!
* * *
Zach: You ready?
* * *
Me: As I’ll ever be.
* * *
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
* * *
Me: WHERE IN THE HELL DID YOU FIND THAT?!
* * *
Zach: The flea market. They sell them there.
* * *
Me: YOU BOUGHT ME A SMILING BABY GOAT?
* * *
Zach: No, I bought ME a smiling baby goat.
* * *
Me:
So…you bought me one?
* * *
Zach: Goaty is MINE.
* * *
Me: I just spit my coffee all over the kitchen. You named your goat GOATY? That’s dumb. We’re changing that.
* * *
Zach: Can you come up with something better?
* * *
Me: Literally anything is better than Goaty.
* * *
Me: Casper?
* * *
Me: Nah. Vanilla Swirl.
* * *
Me: NO WAIT! MARSHMALLOW!
* * *
Zach: Are you hungry?
* * *
Me: Starving. I’m about to cook breakfast.
* * *
Zach: Explains the food-themed names. Though I do like Marshmallow…hmm…
* * *
Me: It’s the PERFECT name. We can even buy a dark brown one and a tan one and name them Graham Cracker and Milk Chocolate.
* * *
Zach: Did you just create a s’more out of my future goats?
* * *
Me: …maybe.
* * *
Zach: Is this indicative of how hungry you are? You’re thinking about s’mores at six AM? When’s the last time you ate?
* * *
Me: For your information, it is ALWAYS okay to be thinking about s’mores. They’re fucking delicious.
* * *
Me: Also, I’m not sure. I think I had popcorn at like six last night? I missed dinner and I’ve been busy catching up on stuff since I got home from work.
* * *
Zach: YOU’VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT?
* * *
Me: No. Well, sort of. I took a two-hour nap.
* * *
Zach: Go nap, Delia! I mean, eat first, but then go nap.
* * *
Me: I’m going, I’m going…
* * *
Zach: One last thing…
* * *
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
* * *
Me: MARSHMALLOW IS EATING A MARSHMALLOW
* * *
Me: P.S. Cute chick slippers.
* * *
Zach: Excuse me, Wonder Woman is the shit.
* * *
Zach: Now hush and go sleep.
Me: I have napped and refreshed myself. What’s good?
* * *
Zach: I’m currently on an adventure with my roommate. We’re getting toys, food, and supplies for Marshmallow.
* * *
Me: Did you even check to see if you’re allowed to have him as a pet?
* * *
Zach: Pfft. I’m the master of research. *runs off to Google*
* * *
Me: Tsk, tsk.
* * *
Me: WAIT! What if you’re not allowed to have him? What will you do with him then?!
* * *
Zach: Excellent news! Since I technically live outside city limits, I can keep him! We’re going to have the best of times.
* * *
Me: I want to pet him. Is he with you now?
* * *
Zach: Yeah, he’s in the car with my roomie while I grab his essentials.
* * *
Zach: Ugh. I’ll have to build him stuff. I hate building things.
* * *
Me: He needs places to play!
* * *
Zach: I know, I know. I’m on it.
* * *
Me: Make sure you build it big. For his brothers…
* * *
Zach: So the S’mores clan can have a big place to play?
* * *
Me: Does this mean you’re on board with it?
* * *
Zach: The idea is growing on me…
* * *
Me: Told you I’d win. ;-)
* * *
Zach: Yeah, yeah. Hush.
Zach: This baby goat will not stop shitting.
* * *
Me: Yeah…goats do that.
* * *
Zach: He also keeps trying to eat my pants.
* * *
Me: Take them off.
* * *
Me: WAIT. That was pervy.
* * *
Zach: Are we FINALLY going to sext?
* * *
Me: Yes. But first, send me a picture of Marshmallow. I miss him.
* * *
Zach: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
* * *
Me: Is that…your face?
* * *
Zach: Um…one-fourth of it.
* * *
Zach: Holy shit. I just realized we have never seen one another. Like, at all.
* * *
Me: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
* * *
Me: There, we’re even.
* * *
Zach: Wow. Your brow is so sexy. Also, are those freckles I see?
* * *
Me: Yes…and that proves how hard you studied the photo. Creep.
* * *
Zach: What did you notice on mine? Don’t lie.
* * *
Me: You have bushy eyebrows.
* * *
Me: Which I find sexy.
* * *
Me: OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE I SENT THAT!
* * *
Zach: I think your freckles are sexy.
* * *
Me: You’re only saying that because I said your eyebrows are sexy. Don’t be that guy.
* * *
Zach: The guy who gives out genuine compliments?
* * *
Me: No, the guy who says polite things when he doesn’t mean them. Like when an old lady is all, “Oh wow, I love your smile.” And you’re like, “Thanks, I love your perfume.” And then you’ve just lied because literally nobody likes the smell of old lady perfume.
* * *
Zach: I bet if you were an old lady, I’d like your perfume.
* * *
Me: Stop. It.
* * *
Me: But yeah, I bet you would. ;-)
* * *
Zach: You are so incredibly full of yourself. Well, except for when I genuinely try to compliment you on your freckles. Then you’re just a complete shithead.
* * *
Me: Did you just call me a shithead?
* * *
Zach: Yes. Shithead.
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