by Cee Smith
“Maybe we were at the museum when you mentioned it.”
I tried recalling our past conversations but nothing materialized. There didn’t ever seem to be a moment where we talked about our lives outside of work.
“And are you a born and bred New Yorker?”
“Am I that transparent?”
“Are you always this closed off to people?”
He stopped mid-step. A group of people that had been walking behind us broke around us. Dusk had started to settle on the skyline, the shadows of the buildings growing deeper across the street. For the first time, he looked at me and I think he saw me for what I truly was. It was a soul-searching gaze, full of understanding. As if he could see those seedlings that had been planted too.
“I don’t think anyone aside from my sister has ever called me ‘closed off’…huh.” He picked up walking again, and I quickened my pace to catch up with him until we walked shoulder to shoulder.
“Was that sound just a realization that everyone you know is too scared to say something like that to you?”
“No. You surprise me is all. If you’re right and everyone is too scared to say something like that to me then why aren’t you?”
I didn’t have an answer for his question, at least not that instant. In a way I was scared of Everett. I was scared the most. Not because of his intimidations, stature, or status. I was scared of my standing. I was always scared of my standing where he was concerned. Even then, he could have chosen to walk me to the subway that night and decided the next day to forget all about our little plan and that would be it. I would cease to exist to him. Everett had power that no one else did. Everett had the power to truly break me.
“Well, I’ve seen your dick.” I repeated Tea’s words. Crude though they were, they cut down to the bare fact of the matter. Aside from someone’s deepest secrets, their private parts were their most guarded feature. Seeing someone naked was seeing their most vulnerable selves. If I wasn’t invested in Everett emotionally, we would be on an even playing field.
“You have such a way with words. Your eloquence moves me.”
“Thought you’d like that. I’m making it my duty to keep you young. By the way, how old are you?”
“Thirty-five. Don’t let the gray hair fool you. I’m young in every way that counts.”
“You can say that again,” I said more or less to myself. Remembering the swish of leather surrounding my wrists, I began rubbing beneath the cuff of my blouse. When I looked up, Everett was watching me with a smile.
“You get off on this, don’t you?”
“What? Seeing that you’re still thinking about being bound by me even when you’re completely free? Absolutely…well this looks like you.” He pointed to the entrance to the subway, alerting me to our arrival.
Staring at the entrance and the people coming and going, I asked, “Are we still on for tomorrow?” I was afraid of his answer. Afraid that I would only have him one time this week.
“I generally like to keep to my schedule when I can.”
“So that’s a yes then?”
“Yes.”
“Good.” Taking Everett by surprise, I turned back around and kissed him on the cheek. I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him like a little girl would kiss her crush. It was over before I could even register the feel of his skin beneath my lips, and as I pulled away, I almost expected to see him cringe and wipe off the lingering touch of my lips on his skin. Never did I expect that Everett would hold me back. His arms came around me and his palms clutched the middle of my back, scorching my skin beneath the layer of fabric separating us.
Even as I pulled back, gauging the emotion blanching his face, he still held me in his grasp. Our chests remained pressed tight together as he looked over my face. I thought he would kiss me, with the way his face closed back in. Instead, he stopped just before our lips melded.
“Good night, Indigo. Get home safe.” He breathed me in and released his hold on me. The kiss of his breath on my lips lingered the whole ride home.
Thursday, October 15th
After a long day at work I came home to find Teagan already sitting on the couch, remote in hand. She pressed mute and positioned herself for conversation, while I threw my things on the counter.
“So? How are things going with Suit?”
“You know his name now, Tea. You don’t have to call him that anymore.”
“Does he make you call him Mr. Belford when he’s spanking you?”
I plopped down on the edge of the couch, sure that I wouldn’t be able to sidestep her curiosity. “You’re hopeless. No, I don’t call him that outside of the office.”
“I feel like you’ve been purposely avoiding me the last couple weeks. Is he your new secret?”
“No. I guess I just wanted to figure out my feelings before I laid them out for someone else to pick apart.”
She shook her head, her hot pink bangs brushing across her eyelashes with the movement. “You’ve got it bad for Mr. Belford.”
“It’s still too soon to tell.”
“Don’t play coy with me. It’s been all over your face since that day on the train, before you even knew his fucking name.” I dropped my face, and she corrected herself, “His real name.”
“So, what’s the problem? Is he still being…Everett Belford?” She said his name in a posh voice as she lengthened her neck and stiffened her back. I was sure I hadn’t given her any reason to think of him differently, and in all honesty, he was still very much that man. But, he was also so much more. It was just, some days I couldn’t decipher whether the man I saw in Everett was dreamt up or a figment of my imagination. I wondered—had I truly caught glimpses of the real Everett?
“You know, sometimes when we’re together I feel like there’s something there, but it’s almost like the moment he notices it too, he shuts it down.” I thought back to the pet room and how he grew tense as I snuggled closer.
“Well, have you called him on it? Or at the very least have you tried seeing if you two have anything outside of sex?”
“I tried asking him out tonight, and he shot me down.”
“Fuck. I’m sorry, Indy—”
“But then when he hugged me, it almost felt like he didn’t want to leave. I feel like I’d need a PhD just to decipher his body language.”
“Maybe he’s scared to get involved? If you really think there’s something there and you think he might feel something for you, you shouldn’t give up.”
“I feel like the harder I try, the more of myself I’m losing to him.”
“Nonsense. You’re the strongest bitch I know. That’s your pride talking.”
“Well, can you blame it? My pride’s been taking a bit of a beating at his expense.”
“Pride is a selfish asshole; don’t give him an ear. If you’re really serious about Everett then you need to decide where you draw the line. That, you do have control over.”
I nodded my head, trying to retain the strength of her words and also wishing I could be more like Tea. Sure I’d never seen her in any relationship that could be considered serious—unless you count the guy that stayed over the next morning to cook breakfast for her—but that didn’t stop her helping me out when it came to my own relationship problems.
The one thing I hadn’t said and hated to even admit to myself was the line had been drawn and crossed ages ago—about the time I jimmied my way into his apartment. She didn’t need to know that.
She was right about one thing though. If I really wanted to find out what was between us, I would have to fortify my pride for the potential battering ram of rejection and double up my efforts to get Everett to open up to me.
“Everett.”
“Yes.” He uncuffed my wrists and helped me up from the spanking bench, my legs still weak from the orgasms he pulled from me. Everett bent down and scooped me up before walking over to the bed where he placed me before climbing in himself.
“You made me so exhausted and hungry
…so I think it’s only right that you feed me too.” I looked up at him with one eye open, preparing myself for the inevitable “no” that was sure to come.
“It’s reassuring to see you’re this determined in every facet of your life. Do you know where you’d like to go as well?”
“I hadn’t thought that far.”
“I find that hard to believe. You’ve been trying to wear me down for months.”
“I’m starting to sense a pattern here. Maybe you’re not immovable after all. Could it just be that it takes a long time to bring you around to ideas not your own?” My lips spread in a crescent smile, tipped up on the right side of my face as I felt a new puzzle piece slide into place.
“That kind of talk will get you thrown back over the spanking bench.”
“Touché.”
Everett took me to Koi, a sushi restaurant within walking distance of Fetish. The hostess led us to our seats, and I was mesmerized by the atmosphere. It was early evening and the sky was still full of the day, but inside the lights were dimmed down real low, highlighting the mural of live bamboo behind booths and the chandeliers hanging overhead. The ceiling had a large diamond display that looked like white fish scales. My mouth watered as we passed tables with the most beautiful sushi I’d ever seen.
“Have you been here before?” I whispered in awe.
“It’s been a while.”
The woman showed us to our seats, and Everett helped me out of my thin coat before pulling out my chair.
“Did your mother teach you to be such a gentleman?”
He took his seat and seemed to think over his response.
“Do you not like talking about your family? Are you not close?”
“We’re close. I just don’t talk about them that frequently. My mom’s family is one of those high-society New York families, and well, even now their divorce is still considered gossip in certain circles. It’s childish really. Needless to say I’m protective of both my mother and sister.”
“That must have been hard on you when you were a kid.”
The waitress came over and we both ordered a few sushi rolls between us. I could tell our earlier conversation weighed heavily on Everett, and I wanted to lighten the mood.
“So what do you do when you’re not…you know—”
“What? Spanking the sass out of naughty little girls like you?”
I clenched my legs beneath the table and replied, “Yes.” He laughed, amused by my faint response. I should have been annoyed. He always seemed so lighthearted when it came to how affected I was by him.
“I suppose I’m nothing original when it comes to the male species. I work, I catch the occasional game, spend time with family, take in the arts when I need to unwind. What about you? Does the city still feel new to you?”
“I could live here for twenty years and it would still feel new. That’s what I love about living here. Around every corner is a new discovery waiting to happen.”
The waitress returned, placing the various plates on the small tabletop.
“Wow, this looks beautiful.”
“And if I remember correctly, the sushi is really amazing.”
I poured soy sauce in both of our small ceramic bowls and we picked up our chopsticks at the same time, both pausing to decide on which roll to pick from first. Both of our utensils dived for the same plate on my left, and I giggled as our chopsticks crashed around the same piece of roll.
“I suppose since you beat me to it, I’ll let you have this one.” I smiled and watched as he dipped the piece of roll in soy sauce. He shook off the liquid still dripping and stretched his arms across the table. One hand held the piece on the end of his chopsticks, and the other beneath the bite acting as a saucer to catch any drops from hitting the table. He reached up to my mouth and I met his eyes. They were eyes that implored me to take a bite. Unblinking, I held his stare as I eased the piece of roll from between the wooden sticks.
He watched me the entire time, and I felt my face heat with the intensity of his watchful gaze. I patted my mouth with my napkin and thanked him.
In all the time we’d spent together and of all the things I’d done to this man and let him do to me (he’d seen my asshole up close, for God’s sake), I still felt shy meeting his eyes after he fed me. It was about that moment when I realized that we were on a date. Sure, it didn’t have all of the makings of a traditional date. But traditional didn’t really seem to suit us. We certainly weren’t traditional in any other way. Besides, had he asked me out on a real date and made me wait an entire week before taking me out, I would have lost my mind with anticipation.
No, this was better.
Instant gratification.
Sometime after we moved onto the second plate I ordered a glass of plum wine. With a loosened tongue, I felt less pressure to hold back on the questions I really wanted to ask.
“When was your last relationship?”
He choked mid-sip, stripping off another layer of that stuffy veneer of his.
“Was that the aim of this dinner? Were you actually hungry for food or information?”
“You’re very perceptive.” I squinted my eyes, trying to read him as easily as he read me.
“Was that evasion intentional or coincidental?”
“Coincidental. And maybe I was hungry for both. Can you blame me?”
“Are you asking me if I find myself interesting enough to trick myself into dinner? Every night.”
It was little things like that, that told me more about the man he was. Everett had a dry sense of humor. Even when he was saying something funny, he still said it in the same voice and with nothing more than a twitch of his lips to suggest he was being less than serious.
“Everett.”
Even the sound of his name sounded funny to my own ears in that setting. I don’t think I’d ever called him Everett to his face before. Something about it felt so formal.
“Why did you tell me your name was Vett? Is that what you tell strangers your name is?”
“That’s what close friends and family call me.”
My chin dipped as I smiled to myself. I never thought to question that before, but now I only wanted to call him Vett everywhere.
His finger reached across the table and tipped my chin back up. “Outside of the places I’ve already indicated, I’d like you to call me Vett.”
“OK, Vett, was your evasion intentional or coincidental?”
“Dating hasn’t been much of a priority of mine.”
I nodded in understanding. Everett didn’t really strike me as the type to date. The very idea of dating seemed too orchestrated for someone like him. The whole “getting to know you” phase seemed like more dedication than someone with his ambition was willing to put in, especially if he was unsure of the return. Everett wasn’t the type to waste time on meaningless social norms.
“Fair enough.”
“What about that kid on the subway? What happened to him?”
“You.” His eyes scattered across the room at my confession. Maybe the truth was too much for him. Perhaps it was too soon, to hint at the truth of what I’d come to realize all those months ago.
“I had fun with him, but after that night I just realized he wasn’t really what I was looking for. He was a bit—”
“Juvenile? Yes, not that I minded at the time, but I hope that’s not a habit of yours.”
“Oh, my God. No. No. I mean, it was exciting at the time, but…no.”
I hoped I said “no” enough. The last thing I wanted was for him to think that was just another Wednesday night for me. That was what I’d feared when I realized he was my boss.
“Don’t worry, Indigo. I can spot a pro. You’re young. You’re doing what young people do—explore. That was part of the reason why I didn’t want to take things further with you. This lifestyle, those people at the club, this isn’t a phase in their life. This is their life.”
“I know. I think that’s what made me more intrigued. There’s
something about being…that way…with you that feels comfortable, like coming home.”
Friday, November 6th
Weeks had passed and for the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt in control of my life. There was a fire that had released in me since the moment I’d met Everett. That night on the subway had become a sort of turning point in my life. Entering the subway I was still a naive girl, still floundering through life, but when I returned home, I was a full-fledged woman.
I was settling into my job, delivering ideas and designs that had Everett saying yes more often than no. As a boss, he was becoming easier to read. His job was his life and he respected hard work and dedication regardless of personalities. Which explained why the company lothario, Jonathan, still had a job despite his attempts at wooing anything with two legs.
Work wasn’t the only place Everett and I fell in sync. Since that night with Cassius, his Wednesday trips to Socialize had became a thing of the past. We continued our Tuesday/Thursday schedule of meeting up at Fetish. Every time I stepped inside that room, my mind opened wider, accepting the things my body was capable of as Everett stretched my body a little further outside of my comfort zone. We shared a trust that was instinctual, and the deeper I submitted myself to him, the more I found my infatuation with him developing into something real. Something realized. And slowly but surely, Everett’s walls collapsed.
We found ourselves seeing each other outside of our pre-arranged times more frequently. Work lunches turned into non-working lunches, which turned into dinners, which turned into casual walks around the city.
“Oaken wanted me to do a run-through of the final product for a managing partner of his out in Connecticut this weekend. Nothing big. It’ll just be a dinner and a presentation of what we’ve got so far. Would you like to join me? It would only be for a night. We’d be back Sunday afternoon.”
I stared across the table stunned. Sure, it wasn’t like he’d asked me to go on a weekend getaway to some romantic locale, but in his world, this was the equivalent.
“And where would I be staying?” I stuffed a forkful of salad into my mouth, feigning disinterest in his answer. This was for informational purposes only.