by Cee Smith
At what point did I go too far? I wasn’t even sure anymore. Maybe it was all wrong from the start. Everett evoked feelings in me I’d never known possible. I’d never been utterly fascinated by another person, never been enthralled enough to simply observe. I was a go-getter, a doer. I took the bull by the horns. Since the moment I decided to leave home, I was the center of my universe. Then Everett showed up and knocked me off axis. How could someone who elicited such strong emotions be a mistake?
While Everett spent the majority of the day avoiding me, it wasn’t until he found me just before I left work that I knew the previous night was only the beginning of his questions. We sat side by side on the train—two bodies packed together like sardines in a tin. There were no words, no smug grin, not even a sideways look. To anyone else on the train we looked to be no more than strangers. Just two passengers in a sea of eight million.
My worst fear was leaving Everett’s house only to realize I was blind to the truth in what everyone else saw. Maybe I would leave and we would return to being strangers.
“I take it last night wasn’t the first time you found yourself at my house?”
“I’m sorry, what?”
Overwhelmed by fear, I couldn’t even see or hear what was right in front of me. Where was the girl who stormed down Mercer on a mission to confront? Tension grew as I neared Everett, and it became stifling when I took a seat across the table from him.
His eyebrows rose, imploring me to answer his question.
“I’ve been around this area, yes.”
“And you found out where I lived by following me?”
I couldn’t speak the words, so I looked to the door and nodded.
“Which is how you found out about Socialize.”
“Do we have to do this?”
“You tell me, Indigo. You just said this isn’t the first time you’ve followed me, yesterday you were caught snooping outside my home, and it would seem you’ve done all of this in an attempt to get closer to me or confront me about our relationship? I don’t even know where to start here. I’m just trying to understand.”
“I told you yesterday. I know you originally said you didn’t want a girlfriend. Or you weren’t looking for one, but I thought after all of this time we’ve spent together that maybe you were ready—”
His mouth drew pensive, trying to restrain volatile words. “Couldn’t you see I was warming up to it? There were dinners, and I took you to meet my mother, for Christ’s sake. I know you’re young, but I didn’t think you’d be so juvenile that I’d have to check a box.”
He clenched his jaw and crushed his hair in his hand. With hackles raised and wild eyes, he watched me. The explosion of emotion was unexpected, coming from someone who was usually so self-restrained. Was this a reaction to him learning of my pastimes which included following him, or that I was calling him out on the vagueness of our relationship? If he was looking for some logical reasoning behind my actions, there wasn’t one; I knew that. How could I explain that it all just felt right until it was wrong? How would he understand?
“I like you, Indigo. You’re smart, beautiful, a little reckless, and sexy. You’ve got more talent than most of the people at the office, and I admire your strength, but this…I don’t know how we get past this.”
“Vett—”
“I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I need some time to think about this. I need to process everything.”
“OK.”
I grabbed my purse off the back of the chair and made my way to his front door. Just as I pulled the handle, he closed in around me, his chest to my back. I turned and found sadness—a look I was sure mirrored mine. He closed his eyes and leaned in to kiss my forehead, prompting a lone tear to fall to the hill of my cheek. Pulling away, I yanked open the door and fled down the hallway, deciding to take the stairs instead of the elevator. I couldn’t stand in his hallway waiting for an elevator while sobbing over the loss of him, not while he could have stood there watching. There was a time when I wanted nothing but to be displayed for this man, but not like that. Not with my heart leaking down my face and every bad decision I ever made when it came to him stuck in my chest like pins of a voodoo doll.
Friday, November 20th
Why did I self-sabotage?
Why wasn’t I content with the natural progression of things?
Was this just punishment for what I’d done, or were we completely over?
Did he return to Socialize? His meat market for available women?
Going to the club with Everett might have started out as a way to grow closer, a way to indulge and understand his kink, but as Tuesdays and Thursdays came and went I found myself missing the release obtained by a good session. Teagan tried to butter me up with girls’ nights where we stuffed our faces with ice cream bonbons and Twizzlers while watching Ryan Gosling movies, particularly ones in which he took his shirt off (so basically every movie he’d ever starred in).
In our time apart Everett haunted me. It seemed there was no place I could go to escape him. Every ride on the subway, every moment at work, every day spent alone at home, I thought about him. Our schedules were suddenly out of sync. He no longer caught the train, or if he did he got on at a later time. Here and there I’d catch glimpses of him at work, but most days I wasn’t even sure he came into the office.
I sat in the pod across from his office, staring at the door, oblivious to Ed who watched me from across the table.
“Is everything alright, Indy? You’ve been looking despondent lately.”
Swiveling my legs away from the window, I adjusted my laptop in my lap. “It’s been a long week.”
His eyes danced between me and the glass window at my back. He wanted to know what I was looking at, what I was longing for. Maybe I wasn’t the first person in the office to fall for Everett. Maybe he’d sat there before and witnessed the same look of rejection.
“You know, if Mr. Belford approves, Maggie won’t mind you working from home. It’d be a bit lonely here without you, but if you need the time, you could just as easily do this from home.”
I glanced back at the window aware of the absence of light filtering from the bottom of his door. After the Oaken project had finished, our weekly meetings had tapered off until our only correspondence seemed to be via email. If he wasn’t even going to show up and put in effort, why would I?
Back at home later that day, Teagan found me in what had become my usual spot.
“You keep eating bonbons and your ass will be huge by the time Everett finally gets over all this.”
She pulled the strap of her messenger bag over her head and kicked the door shut behind her. “Fuck, it’s hot in here.”
Stripping off her layers of sweaters, she fanned beneath her armpits. She flopped down on the couch like an overheated dog, stretching her legs until they nearly reached me on the opposite end.
“I assume if you’re here that means he still hasn’t said anything.”
“Nope and if that isn’t bad enough, he hasn’t even been showing up to work. I think I saw him once this entire week.”
“God, what’s he think you’re going to do—stalk him at work?”
“Can you not use the ‘S’ word?”
“What are you going to do? Because you can’t spend another week sitting in that spot. You’re going to leave a permanent impression. Try explaining that to your aunt when she gets back. Plus, my bank of ‘boyfriend drama support’ is running on fumes here. This is really out of my league.”
“Just when I thought you were turning over a new leaf.” She winked and smiled brightly, her contagious exuberance causing the corners of my mouth to lift.
“She smiles! There’s hope for you yet!”
“What do I do, Tea? I’ve actually been thinking of talking to his mom and—”
“Have you not learned anything? Maybe you are as crazy as he thinks if you’re willing to go to his mom. How do you possibly think she can help you?”
�
��I don’t know. She liked me, and I got the feeling she hasn’t met many women he’s dated. Maybe she could give me some pointers. Unless he talks to me, we’re at a standstill.”
“That should be your final, last ditch effort to save things. I wouldn’t call her unless you’re willing to accept that things may very well be over between you.”
I nodded in understanding. The idea of calling his mother wasn’t ideal. It was definitely something I didn’t take lightly. For one thing, we’d only met the one time, and although she seemed nice enough, who knew how willing she would be to help me. Everett is the kind of man who should come with instructions. If anyone were to know how to get through to him it would be her.
Friday, November 27th
One week. That was how long I could stay working from home with only the thought of Everett to keep me going. Thanksgiving came and went with Teagan and I sitting on the couch eating Chinese takeout straight out of the boxes. Regret and self-loathing made for horrible company, but nothing compared to the loneliness. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Everett in two weeks, and it’d been even longer since I’d felt his skin against mine. My forehead still tingled where his lips last touched me. A cruel reminder of the tenderness I now missed.
With nails tapping against the surface of my phone, my impatience spiked with every thud on the glass. Rifled with indecision, I played through every possible scenario of our conversation. Would she hear me out? Would she remember me? Think me silly for having the audacity to contact his mother like some high school crush of his? Would she help?
I went through my emails, double-checking I hadn’t missed anything in my absence. Like every other day, Everett was still absent. After a little convincing and a quick Google search, I called Everett’s mom.
Palms sweating, it wasn’t until the second ring when I really started second-guessing the decision to call.
“Hello?” She sounded labored, as if she were still looking for teacups. I thought about hanging up again. All those reasons why I shouldn’t call came back full force.
“H-Hi? Ms. Belford?”
“This is she,” she said in a prim voice, like a beauty queen recognized despite the time that’s passed.
“Hi, this is Indigo Ericson. I don’t know if you remember me.”
“Yes. Of course. Everett’s girlfriend.”
“Oh, uh.”
“You needn’t be coy with me. I know my son. He’s simply smitten with you.”
“Have you spoken with your son recently? I’m not sure he would agree with you at the moment.”
“Ah, I take it my son is being his typical self? He wasn’t an easy child to raise, that one. Has he told you about his father?”
“Uh, yes. He mentioned…”
“He wasn’t the same boy after that. He hardened himself. Well, I’m sure I could have done better,” she said, her voice thick with reflection.
“I messed up!” I said not wanting her to subsequently take the blame when this was without a doubt my fault. “I don’t want to bother you with the details, but he said he needed time to think and it’s been weeks, and really I’m at a loss as to what to do. I hoped you might have some insight?”
“It’s his way of pushing people away. So, don’t let him. All I can say is hang in there. Sometimes he just takes a little longer to process his emotions.”
“OK,” I said more to myself than to her. I wasn’t so sure her advice would work in this scenario, but I was willing to try anything at that point.
Monday, November 30th
Vett,
I know you asked for your space and as hard as it’s been without you, I’ve given that to you. I’ve done some unforgivable things, but don’t give up on me—on us. Please give me a chance to explain. I never meant to hurt you.
Sincerely,
I.E.
Strengthened by the words of his mother, I returned to work the following Monday. I arrived so early the lights were still off in the main hallways. My shadow danced in darkness as I crept to his office. As I looked across the stillness of the room, I wondered about my future at Digital Monument. What if Everett didn’t want to hear anything else I had to say? What if this was it? All we would ever be was a few months, a couple of train rides, and a lifetime of memorable sex that no one would ever measure up to? Could I actually stay working for him?
The envelope crinkled in my sweaty palms.
I stood over his desk, inhaling the now subtle fragrance of him that lingered in his absence. Even without him, the room felt powerful. I felt just as small as I did the first day I realized he would be my new boss. Maybe even more so because now I had a whole new respect for the man. He had so many people that relied on him, who he was responsible for. He was always so well composed. A man well respected, despite being somewhat intimidating. It was his stoic strength that appealed to me that day; a quality I wanted to emulate.
He made me want to be a better person, not for him or my mom or anyone else. But because I owed it to myself to become the best version of myself possible. Sure I might have lost sight of that in my infatuation with him. I treated him like a diamond to be added to my collection. Followed him like a child chased after a butterfly, absent of afterthought and free of consequence. I’d gotten so used to the idea of chasing him that I didn’t realize the moment I’d caught him, and now I wasn’t so sure he was still mine to keep.
Placing the letter on his desk took courage—something I wasn’t sure I had even as I had written the note that morning. Even as I had boarded the subway and walked the few blocks to work. Even as I stood surrounded by all of the things that reminded me of what I would be giving up if I didn’t leave that letter.
I wasn’t sure the last time Everett had even returned to work, wasn’t sure when he would even get my letter. Or, if he would even contact me after reading it. Maybe so much time would pass that time itself would answer any questions that remained about the status of our relationship. I didn’t know and that was what tore me apart inside.
Waiting.
While I was busy, not watching my phone for any response from Everett, my mom called. Phone already in hand, I stared at her name on the screen, debating on whether or not to answer. She always seemed to call when I didn’t want to talk but needed it the most.
“Hi, Mom,” I answered, while I prepared myself for some lecture I’d come to expect.
“Indy! What’s been going on? I haven’t talked to you in weeks. All I got on Thanksgiving was a text from you?”
“Sorry. I’ve been busy with work. You know that project I told you about? Well, we’ve been finalizing some of the details.”
“They’re not working you too hard, are they? I know New York is fast-paced, but I worry you’re not getting enough sleep. You are taking care of yourself, aren’t you?”
With the exception of my emotional pain, I was fine, but I knew despite my insistence that everything was good, she would still worry—it was in her nature. I used to think it was just something for her to do, something to keep her occupied while I was young. But as I grew up, I realized her anxiety over me only increased. Perhaps she’d seen one too many Dateline specials, or maybe the pressure of playing the role of both parents had gotten to her. It seemed no matter where I went or how old I got, I was destined to have a mother who wanted to be involved in every decision, big or small, that I would make in life.
“Yes, Mom. I’m taking care of myself.”
“Don’t say it like that. I have to ask these things. You’re out there with no family nearby. Lord knows when my sister is coming back.”
“Hopefully no time soon, or it’ll be out to the slums I go.”
“You could always come back home. You’re room is exactly the way you left it.”
“I’m sure it is.”
“Speaking of coming home, what are your plans for Christmas? The tickets are probably astronomical by now, but I’d like to see my baby. I haven’t seen you since graduation.”
Her question couldn’t
have come at a worse time. With everything that’d been going on, I barely had time to think about work, much less holiday plans. The idea of spending another holiday cooped up in the house eating Chinese takeout didn’t sound all that appealing, but I didn’t want to make plans while Everett and I were still—on break? I guess that’s what you could call it.
What would Christmas with the Belfords look like? I imagined the fireplace in his mother’s brownstone kissing our skin, while the streets outside collected sludge. Bing Crosby would drift through the room, crooning above the woolly speakers of an old record player. The sound would drown out the nearby families also celebrating time spent with loved ones. Everett would wrap me in his arms, where we’d sway together, chest to chest, my head on his shoulder, his hand resting at the small of my back.
On a deep inhale I swore I could smell burning wood.
“I’m not sure I’m coming home for Christmas.”
“Have you…met someone?” she asked as if she were still piecing things together in her mind.
“Why?”
“That’s the only reason why you wouldn’t come home. Well? Have you?”
“It’s too soon to say,” I lied. I’d taken enough advice from Teagan and Ms. Belford. From there on out I was on my own. I made my mess now I had to lie in it—or clean it up. Maybe if I continued to prove to my mom that I could succeed in something without her help, she would ease up a bit. Besides, she didn’t need to get roped into any issues regarding my love life. I didn’t need any more convincing that my current predicament was prompted by some questionable decisions on my part.
“Maybe he could come out too. I’d love to meet him.”
“Uh, I don’t know. We’ll see,” I said trying to squeeze even an ounce of positivity into my words. The truth was, the longer I went without speaking to him, the less optimistic I was. I was hoping my letter would be the breakthrough I needed to finally get him to hear me out.