She and Millie had gone through over one hundred iterations of the text she sent, but Stella eventually just sent whatever. George was probably working tonight, so she wasn’t expecting the quick reply.
I’m proud of you. You did it.
Stella was baffled by George; she couldn’t figure him out. Millie squealed at the text.
“What?” Stella asked.
“El, do you think a guy who you just used to fuck would care about your graduation and get the date right?” Mille turned up her drink.
“I don’t know. Maybe…”
“NO. El, the answer is no.” Millie looked at Stella intently. “I’m not sure how many guys you have just fucked, but they don’t care what your name is, let only what school you’re in or when you graduate. HE LOVES YOU.”
“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t, Millie.” Stella’s walls wouldn’t even let her believe that George caring about her was possibility.
“You don’t know shit about most things, believe me, El. He cares about you. You guys just have to figure it out.”
“I’ll take that into consideration,” Stella said, hoping to change the subject. “So you ready for a week at the beach, with no papers or tests?”
“Are you fucking kidding me? I’m not going to know what to do with myself. I’m bringing my Kindle with four new books on it. I don’t do free time anymore.”
“I know. What is free time and what do you do when you have it?” Stella laughed and tipped her glass back.
She and her parents had fun the entire week before the graduation ceremony. They met everyone who was important to her, except George. They planned a big dinner for her, Patrick, Millie, and Billy at her favorite sushi restaurant Café Asia, in Roslyn, even though her father didn’t eat sushi. She took her parents to one of the most famous restaurants in the city, Old Ebbitt Grill, where they had steaks, really expensive wine, and oysters.
The ceremony was boring. Nothing would be as exciting as turning in her last final and getting passing grades. People talking to hear themselves talk seemed to be the theme. Politicians and lawyers talked more than most, because they believed they were smarter than everyone else in the room. Happy that the ceremony was over, Stella glanced at her parents as she made her way out of the auditorium. Their grinning faces made every painful minute of the ceremony worth it. When they left her at National Airport they were smiling ear to ear. She told them not to expect to hear from her until after the Bar exam. They understood. Her mother kissed her cheek. “I’m so proud of you.” She smiled, a tear fell down her cheek.
“Don’t cry,” Stella sighed.
“It’s a good cry. I can’t believe you’re through,” Her mother smiled.
“Not quite done yet,” Stella said. “The bar is no joke.”
“You’ll be fine,” her mother said, grabbed her pearls and rubbed them. “I know you and you’ll be fine. You got that from me.” She kissed Stella’s cheek and walked into the airport.
“Well, you did get your stubbornness from her. So I guess she’s right.” Stella’s dad hugged her, “Just text me every once in a while, let me know you’re alive.”
“It’s a deal.”
“I love you,” her dad smiled. “You are my smart baby girl. I can’t wait to see what happens next.”
Chapter Forty-Seven
Driving through heavily wooded streets, moss draping from the trees, Millie and Stella pulled up to the house her parents had procured for them. Stella opened the car door and unfolded herself from the seat, stretching her arms and back. Letting Cooper out of the backseat, he ran immediately to the beach.
The house was yellow with a black door and a wraparound porch. The house itself was on stilts and the stairs leading up to the black door were white. Stella couldn’t wait to try out one of the white rocking chairs she saw on the front porch.
“Well, someone is excited to be here.” Millie said trotting to catch up with Stella.
“I’m excited. I haven’t had a vacation in four years. This will be great.” She looked over at her friend. “Thanks for coming with me.”
“A free week at the beach?” Millie put her hand over eyes, shielding them from the sun. “Um, it was a really hard decision.”
“My parents wanted to do something fun for me. This is a friend of my dad’s house.” She ran back to her car and grabbed the house key. “Let’s go check it out.” They walked up the front stairs that led to a house with a wraparound porch. “Cooper! Come!”
“So, what’s the new ink about?” Millie asked after they both changed into their bikinis. Millie in a white string bikini and Stella in a lime green bandeau.
“Which one?” Stella asked as she drug two chairs down the stairs to the beach.
Millie was carrying the cooler. “Let’s do the gross one first.” Millie stopped and pointed at Stella’s old tattoo that now looked someone had taken a sharpie to it.
“After Jamie died I thought I’d never be able to feel again, I was so decimated by what happened. George made me realize maybe I could feel again... Maybe I would want to.”
“Okay, but that doesn’t clear up the fact your old tattoo looks like someone took a marker to it.”
Stella actually blushed. “So one night George took a marker and drew a heart on my back and told me he would put me back together piece by piece. I got this for me to remember who helped me when I didn’t think it was possible.” She shrugged, “I have half a heart instead of no heart.”
“Wow. Has George seen it?”
“Of course not.”
“And the other one?”
In white ink she had “I’m the hero of this story” in script on her back. “I think it’s pretty self-explanatory, don’t you?”
“Humor me.” Millie smirked at Stella.
“Okay,” Stella blew out a long breath. “So I’ve just been existing, but I’m going to start living again and only I can do that for myself.”
“I love them both.” Millie smiled, laid on her lounge chair, put her ear buds in her ears, and closed her eyes.
The next day, Stella was stretched out in a red and white striped very skimpy bikini on her lounge chair. She had her ear buds in her ears and was listening to the Black Keys while she read her latest obsession. Millie was running around with Cooper in the water and laughing like a little kid. Making her way up to her own chair, Millie looked toward the house and then looked down at Stella.
She tapped Stella’s foot to get her attention. “We have company,” Millie wrapped the towel around her barely-there black bikini and slumped in the chair.
Stella turned so that she could see where Millie was looking. Patrick was making his way down the stairs with Lisa in tow. “What the fuck are they doing here,” she muttered. Then she looked at Millie, “I did not invite them.”
She pushed herself up off the chair and walked quickly to meet Lisa and Patrick. “Patrick, what are you doing here?” She took a quick glance at Millie.
“Your parents told me that I could come for a few days,” he smiled at Millie and waved. “I hope that’s okay.”
“Umm negative, ghost rider.” She took in Lisa debating coming down the stairs in her heels. “You might,” she emphasized might, “be okay, but her. NO!”
“Oh, Lisa here is just dropping me off.” He pushed his sunglasses back up his nose. “She’s headed to some convention in South Carolina for the weekend. She dropped me off, so I can just ride back with you and Millie.” By the time he stopped talking, Lisa and taken off her heels and made her way to where they were both standing.
“Yep, just passing through. I wish I could stay. The beach is gorgeous and so private.”
She giggled and looked at Patrick in a way to convey what she was thinking.
“Oh, okay.” Stella muttered, not sure if it was okay. “Well, there is plenty of room.” She figured there was nothing she could do about it now. “I really wish you had some fucking manners, dude. All you had to do was send me a text or something.” She
turned muttering under her breath, “Jackass.”
“Love you too, El,” he laughed. “Which room is mine?” he called to her retreating figure.
Stella didn’t bother answering him.
Later that evening, Patrick and Stella were lounging on the couch with the television on. Millie was making dinner in the kitchen.
“So, you excited about starting your job?” Patrick asked Stella.
“Sure. I think for the first couple of years you basically do the same thing you do as an intern though.” Stella patted the couch and Cooper jumped up and lay on her legs.
“Really, you won’t be in the field?” Millie asked from the kitchen.
“I could be, but it would be doing document review or helping with research and witness testimony. Not really in the streets with a gun or anything.”
“I like the General Counsel attorneys for the ATF. They’re pretty cool. They help the agents know the laws and do trainings, fix fuckups, things like that.”
“Well, we’ll see.” Stella smoothed Cooper’s hair, although she kept it shaved his head was always longer. Cooper had been enjoying the surf more than the three of them and immediately started snoring.
“Well, Sam helped get you that job, right?” Millie smiled at Stella from the kitchen.
“What?” Patrick said pushing himself off the couch moving to get another beer.
“Umm, thanks Millie. So, Sam helped me get in contact with the General Counsel for the FBI and set up the interview.”
“I don’t like him.”
“I don’t care.” Stella signed loudly, blowing her bangs out of her eyes. “We aren’t fucking, if that’s what you are saying.”
“I would probably know if you were,” Patrick said stiffly.
“You don’t know everything about me,” Stella said defensively.
“Yea, he kinda does,” Millie spoke up from the kitchen. “Dinner’s ready.”
“Whatever,” Stella said, as she moved to the table and sat down.
“We’re roommates, you know most things about me too.” Patrick shrugged.
“I didn’t know you were seeing Lisa again.”
Patrick scowled at Stella. “Well, that’s because I’m not seeing her again.”
“Okay, I’m just confused how she ended up driving you down here. You know that’s weird, right?” Stella glanced at Millie to gauge her reaction to this conversation. About that time, Millie pushed her seat back and excused herself.
“Why did you have to bring that up, El?”
“Oh you thought if I didn’t bring it up, Millie would forget about Lisa dropping you off?” Stella got up to follow Millie, but Patrick put his hand on her shoulder.
“I got this.” Patrick said as he followed Millie toward her room.
Millie and Stella walked down the beach with drinks in their hand, Cooper running in the water next to them. Stella pushed her sunglasses up her nose. “I really needed this break. The next two months will be insane.”
“Agreed.” Millie bent to pick up a shell.
“All I plan on doing is studying and working out.” She blew her bangs out of her face.
“We need to set up a schedule. One of my friends said treat studying like a job, 9–5 everyday.”
“That sounds like a plan. We can map out group study in the morning and then alone in the afternoon, subject by subject. We can do it, we are smart.”
“Sometimes it doesn’t matter how smart you are,” Stella answered, starting to worry about her future again.
“Well, that’s fucking depressing.” Millie stared out at the ocean, “Don’t worry, we will get a schedule together. We are going to kick the bar in its teeth.”
“Whatever you say,” Stella bent down and picked up a light pink shell.
“Tell me about Jamie.” Millie looked at Stella.
Stella was taken aback by the abrupt change in topic. One of her favorite things about Millie is she never pried or pushed Stella. “What?”
“Tell me about Jamie, El. Tell me about your relationship with him. You’ve never talked about him before.”
“Right...” Stella looked out and the ocean, “Not going to start now, Millie.”
“Come on, El. It was years ago, you’ve moved on to George.”
Stella stopped walking, and looked up at the sky and let a huge sigh. “Millie, you will never understand how much I’ve been through. He was the love of my life and was taken from me. We should’ve had more time together. We would’ve been happy together. I guess to the outside it may appear that I moved on to George, but I didn’t. I really just can’t. I was open to George because he agreed it was just sex, then he changed his mind. I didn’t.”
“You keep telling yourself you didn’t or don’t love George, but you did and you do. You’ve admitted it and now you’re just trying to convince yourself of the opposite. I’m sure having your fiancé die is hard, the hardest thing you’ll ever go through, but you can’t stay stuck.” Millie took Stella’s hand. Stella pulled it back, not keen on anyone touching her.
“What’s going on, Millie, why are you asking me this now?”
“What is your favorite memory of Jamie?” Millie asked.
Stella looked up at the sky to keep from crying. “It’s stupid.”
“I’m sure it’s not, El.”
“Jamie played baseball in college and so he could never go to any of my softball games. The one game he was able to attend my senior year was so perfect. I played second base and played really well, but my favorite memory is of him cheering for me and the look in his eyes when I was playing. After the game we sat on the bleachers and talked for hours. It was so perfect, just a day in the life ... you know.”
Stella sat on the beach and looked out toward the water, Millie sat down next to her. “If I would’ve known I wouldn’t have had him for long, I would have cherished everything. The way he took over my apartment with all his things. The way he smelled. His skin and clothes were always permeated with the smell of clementines from some soap his mother always sent him. The way he looked at me. The way we fought.”
Millie put her arm around Stella. “But isn’t the saying right that it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?”
“No. That saying is bullshit.” Stella had all of her Jamie feelings in a little box in her brain. She never opened it anymore.
“Oh El. I thought George was pulling you through all this. You were acting like a real live person.”
“George helped me, but I’m not there yet, Millie. May never be.” Stella pulled her bathing suit up on her breast to cover up more of herself. “I always act like a real live person,” she said sarcastically.
“Oh sweetie, no. The first year I knew you it was clear you were fucked up. You acted like a Zombie.”
“Shit, you should have seen me the year before. I thought I was better.” The first year after Jamie died was a blur of pain and alcohol. Her first year of law school was a blur of reading and alcohol. The second year a blur of sex and alcohol. Is there a theme, she thought.
Sitting on the back porch facing the ocean, Patrick, Millie, and Stella watched the sun set while sipping their drinks.
Millie turned to Stella. “Did you hear back from Jessie?”
Patrick looked at Stella, a question in his eyes.
“Yes, I told him we would get together later.” Stella looked at the waves.
“I thought that was a one-time thing?” Patrick asked.
“It’s just sex Patrick. We both know it.” Stella took a sip of her wine.
“You’re cool with being one of many?”
“We used a condom, of course.” Stella scoffed at Patrick’s tone, she was always careful.
Stella had been on birth control since she was sixteen and used condoms, always. She and Jamie had given up condoms after being tested. Condoms were still piled high in the drawer next to her bed from her relationship with George. “It’s actually better that way. There is no pressure on either o
f us. We know what it is. “
Patrick looked down at his hands, “Isn’t that the same agreement you had with George?”
Stella looked at him stunned and a little speechless. He was right. “I don’t plan on doing anything with Jessie on a regular basis.”
“Patrick, leave her alone.” Millie looked at Patrick, “if she wants to fuck someone else to get over George, so be it.”
“I just don’t want you hurt,” Patrick pushed himself off the chair and walked over to where Stella sat. He leaned over the railing.
“I’m pretty sure that is what I feel on a consistent basis, Patrick. I don’t know what happened with George. He wore me down, made me feel again. I needed it. I was totally broken and didn’t feel anything until he elbowed his way into my life. Did it hurt like hell when he left? Yes. Do I regret it? No. He made me stronger. My hurt is not going to change if I fuck some football player in his big swanky hotel room.”
“Okay, you’re a big girl. You do what you want anyway.”
“Correct,” Stella answered, her gaze never leaving the water.
The next morning, Patrick was in the ocean with what look like a surfboard, but he was standing and paddling his way out to sea. He had been paddling out there for over an hour.
“So, I’m a pretty patient person Millie, but are you going to tell me what is going on with you and Patrick?”
Millie signed and shielded her eyes when she looked out at where Patrick was in the ocean. “I’m pretty sure he is going to propose to me,” she said with seriousness. Then she looked at Stella’s mouth hanging open and burst out laughing. “I’m just kidding. We are just hanging out, having sex, taking it as it comes.”
“That sounds familiar,” Stella said looking back at her book.
“Hmm. I have no idea what you mean,” Millie’s voice dripping with fake innocence.
“Ya’ll are exclusive?”
“Yes.”
Before she could ask her next question her phone beeped. She started looking through her bag for her phone.
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