by Sally John
The blare of a horn startled her. She jumped. It blared again, directly behind her. She froze and for one eternal moment she wondered if she could go on.
With life.
With the secrets.
With the regrets.
With the juggling of roles. Lawyer, mother, wife, friend, neighbor, church member. Now sister. Maybe even daughter.
Had she always listed lawyer first?
Yes. Yes, she had. Always.
Maiya was sixteen years old. Sixteen. The 24-7 mommy season—the one she basically missed—was long over.
Teal cried harder.
A horn blasted again. She sensed the movement of vehicles on either side of her car. They picked up speed.
There was a tapping at her window, and she turned to see a highway patrolman’s face framed in a helmet. He removed his sunglasses and motioned for her to roll down her window.
She fumbled for the automatic button, wiping her face with the front of her jacket, blubbering. What was she supposed to do? In all her years of exceeding the speed limit, she’d never been pulled over. Now, her brake pedal pushed to its limit, a cop appeared.
The window descended.
“Ma’am, are you all right?”
“Y-yes. No. Yeah.”
“You need to move. You’re blocking traffic. Can you drive if I help?”
She nodded. Flashing lights reflected in her rearview mirror. His motorcycle was parked behind her.
He said, “We’ll get to the shoulder. Just follow me, okay?”
“O-okay.” Her hands were shaking as much as her voice.
She kept her eyes on the strobelike bursts of blue and white lights from his motorcycle. Vehicles around them parted like the Red Sea. Within moments he was leading her slowly down the freeway and changing lanes until they were on the shoulder.
She stopped, put the car in park, shuddered, and hoped he wouldn’t ask if she could drive. She was clinging to the delusion of control by her fingernails. Of course she could drive.
He came back to her window and began the whole process. License, registration, calm talk, his eyes taking in every detail about her. He went back to his vehicle to check on her information.
With each passing minute her fears receded. There had been no earthquake. River was safe at school. Maiya was safe at school. Teal might get a ticket, but she was safe on the freeway.
She had many regrets, but she also had, at long last, a contrite heart. And God loved contrite hearts. He could work with them in their brokenness. He could offer them do-overs and new dreams.
Maybe He could even delete the echoes. After all, He was God.
“Thank You.”
Teal eventually made it to the school’s parking lot. For a while she gazed at her face in the visor mirror, coming to terms with the fact that she did not carry enough cosmetics to repair the damage. She slipped on her sunglasses.
The officer had not ticketed her. Instead he chatted and learned of her whereabouts during the earthquake. He said paralyzed drivers like her were not uncommon. He offered to call her husband. She stopped crying and said she would take the next exit and follow side streets the rest of the way. He led her to the exit, braked on the shoulder, and waved as she passed him.
Teal walked across the lot now toward the main building, unsure where to find River. His schedule was fluid. His classes weren’t always conducted in a classroom. He took boys camping and to the city. He worked with them on the grounds to prepare for various events.
“Mrs. Adams.”
She turned and recognized one of the security guards approaching. “Hi, Mick.”
“How you doing?” He stopped and smiled, his eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses.
Like all the security guards, he was a cross between paramilitary and bouncer. Square jaws, square shoulders, squared-off buzz cuts. Pecs and deltoids bulged beneath their navy-blue polo shirts. She did not want to know what these guys had done before joining on at San Sebastian, but she had no problem with them making sure River stayed safe.
“I’m fine.” A derisive laugh escaped her. He would have already noted how not fine she appeared. Like him, she wore sunglasses, but fresh lipstick did not hide tear-streaked cheeks. Her hands kept going to her hair, tucking it behind an ear over and over. “Scratch that. I’m not fine today. I am a basket case.”
His mouth lost its easy smile. Now he appeared uneasy.
She had seen this before. With the majority of staff, administration, and faculty being male and the student population all male, the academy oozed testosterone. Emoting was a foreign concept.
She said, “You know how it is, living with a teenager and all. How are your wife and the twins?”
“Great.” He relaxed again. “They’ll be here for the auction next week. You too?”
“Always.” Was that on her calendar? She would make sure Pamela put it— No, she would insert it herself. “Do you happen to know where River is?”
“Saw him with a group out at the barns not long ago. I think they’re storing items for the auction.”
“Thanks.”
“Don’t forget to sign in at the office.”
If not for his watchful eye, she would have skirted around the outside of the main building. The sprawling campus with its rural setting was more open than public schools. The boys didn’t need fences. This was a last-chance school. If they left, they’d be sent to prison.
Getting to River had the feel of swimming upstream. No wonder salmon died after their trek upriver. If she didn’t get to her husband soon, she might just sit down and quit.
She managed to sign in, make small talk with the office manager, ignore her curious look at the sunglasses she did not remove, drape the visitor ID around her neck, and hightail it outside without falling apart.
The heels of her pumps wobbled on the gravel drive. Nerves wobbled her legs. She was tucking her hair behind her ear still. Her heart pounded in her chest.
She forced herself to slow down. Greeting River in the middle of his day as a floundering salmon was not a good idea.
The place was perfect for slowing down. Surrounded by hills and trees, it was beautiful and peaceful. Adobe buildings housed classrooms, dorm, gym, and cafeteria. There were soccer and baseball fields, barnyards with chickens and goats, a swimming pool. She spotted pumpkins in a large vegetable garden. The October air smelled dry and crisp.
River loved it here. She wondered if he had been happier before he met her than he was now. Back then he practically lived in his camper parked in a lot behind a barn, seldom going home to his apartment. The boys were his life. The dorm parents and other employees were his best friends. They were the ones who carried him through the worst nightmare of his life.
She couldn’t even manage to carry him for one day.
He always said that she gave him balance, a necessary balance that truly saved him from the loneliness that his full life could not touch. She had always said the same about him.
But that wasn’t true. Deep down she remained unbalanced, stuffing the hours with more work because now Maiya had a dad who pitched in with parental and household duties.
Why hadn’t she seen that?
What a silly, delusional woman she was. And no, it did not really work.
The gravel gave way to dirt. She neared the first barn, a traditional red color, made of metal. The odor of hay wafted out through its open doors. She heard activity from inside—boys talking, River’s voice in maximum authoritative tone—and halted.
This was not a good time.
He emerged from the shadowy interior, three boys beside him, all deep in conversation. They wore ball caps, academy T-shirts, and blue jeans.
River looked up and saw her. His face registered concern.
“Teal.”
She smiled, wanting to communicate that there was no emergency. Well, not the sort that he would imagine right off.
“Hello, Mrs. Adams.” One of the boys recognized her. His face was familiar.
A second boy turned his head, but not before she noted that he was weeping.
The third one scowled.
This was definitely not a good time.
River said, “You guys go on ahead. I’ll catch up.” They walked away and his expression settled into stoic. “What’s up? Maiya okay?”
“She’s fine. It can wait. You’re in the middle of something.”
“Yeah.”
“We’ll talk at home.”
“Sorry you came all the way out here, but your timing kind of stinks.” He wagged his thumb toward the boys heading toward the soccer field.
“Go. They need you.”
“They do. See you later.” He spun on his heel and started after the kids.
This was totally not a good time. She had seen him in work mode and understood that his shortness now was not aimed at her. His mind was simply elsewhere, with those boys in the throes of a crisis.
She watched him hustle past the barn, intent on taking care of young ones who would remind him of himself. She loved him so much for his passion and dedication. His was a noble cause. Taking a rain check on her needs was part of that noble cause. They would get through this. They would reconnect and catch up and make up.
Right?
What was wrong with her? He was her husband. She was his wife. They were in the throes of their own crisis. It was long past time to put him first and to slide herself into the number one spot on his list. If he disagreed, then he could spend the night in his camper.
“River!” she shouted and hurried after him. “River!”
He turned and waited for her to reach him, hands on his hips.
Out of breath, she gulped for air. “This can’t wait.”
His mouth was a thin line and his eyes strayed to track the boys in the distance.
She took hold of his upper arms, forcing him to look at her. “I am so sorry about Monday. I am so sorry.”
He shut his eyes. She could almost see a shudder go through him. His face lost its hardness and he looked at her again. “Thank you.”
She burst into tears.
When he pulled her to himself, she only cried harder.
Chapter 46
Teal made her scrumptious manicotti, but at the dinner table she feasted more on River and Maiya than the food. They gave her odd glances, as if unsure what to make of her demeanor.
After her outburst at San Sebastian that afternoon, a joyful calm surrounded her. There was no escaping it. She breathed it in and out, in and out.
“Mom, how was work?” Maiya probed for clues.
Teal smiled. “Not much to report. I figured out that people are not always what they appear to be. And then I left early, which accounts for this dinner and the caramel pecan ice cream in the freezer.”
“No way.”
“It’s all yours.”
Maiya angled her head. “I have some research to do online. And I have to talk to Heather and Ben about our project for history class. I need to touch base with Baker, too.” She blushed whenever she said his name. “He’s got a better grip on trig than Mr. J.”
“Fine.”
“I just, uh, wanted you to know?”
“Honey, you did get the message that you’re not grounded anymore, right?”
River chuckled. “You don’t have to run everything by us.”
“You remember that Jake broke up with his new girlfriend?”
Teal said, “We trust you. Now go. It sounds like you have a lot to do. We’ll clean up.”
When she had gone, Teal met River’s gaze. He said, “I could make a fire outside.”
She smiled. They were on the same page. The backyard was the only place for private, uninterrupted conversation if Maiya was in the house.
A short while later, bundled in sweats and a jacket, she joined him on the dark patio beside the terra-cotta fire ring. Under its domed grate, the wood snapped and crackled. The heat felt good in the cold evening. She handed him a cup of tea and sat on the cushioned chair shoved close to his.
“Do you want to tell me about Monday?” she asked.
“I missed you. But I had a good whining session. Krissy told me to get over it and I moved on.”
“Get over what?”
“The distance I was feeling from you.”
She leaned against his arm. “I’m sorry.”
He kissed the top of her head.
“River, I don’t want you to get over something like that. There shouldn’t be a distance between us.”
“I see our life like a forest. I can come looking for you, but if you keep hiding behind the trees, there’s not much else I can do except get over it.”
“You could leave.”
“No, love. It’s our forest.”
“Really?”
He smiled. “Really. You are stuck with me lurking about.”
Why did she ever hold back on this man?
“I think . . .” Her breath caught. Her heartbeat thundered in her ears. The joyful calm had fled, but deep inside she knew it was still out there . . . in the open forest. “I think I’m tired of hiding.”
“You think?”
“I am. For sure.” She resisted the desire to crawl onto his lap and hide her face against his neck. She inhaled deeply, skipped the rehearsed intro, and went straight to the punch line. “Bio Dad is Cody Janski.”
No sound or movement came from River, but a tension went from him as obviously as if he had slid from his chair onto the concrete.
Teal waited for her own knotted stomach to untwist. It didn’t. Because there was more. “Whew. I never said that out loud to anyone.” She tried to smile. “Lucky you, huh?”
He touched her cheek and whispered, “Yes, lucky me.”
Okay, so far, so good. “No surprise either, right?”
He shook his head and lowered his hand to her arm. “No.”
“Has Maiya guessed?”
“She hasn’t said.”
Thank You, God.
Teal took another deep breath. “He was Lacey’s boyfriend. Well, sort of. They had one date, when she invited him to a dance. She’d been crazy about him for a long time, though. She was so straitlaced, and he was the exact opposite. Mouthy, always in trouble, secretive. He was in her class, but older. There was an air of danger about him. It was a totally idiotic crush. She was a sharp girl. I truly believed it was a joke.” She paused. “I’m not making excuses.”
“I know.”
“Later I figured out that she’d had grand visions of rescuing him. If she kissed the beast, he would turn into a prince. Her friends dared her to ask him to the dance. He said yes for one reason only. Randi and Owen gave permission because they were incredibly stupid and inattentive. Which I told them before he came to pick her up.” She slowed her speech, letting her anger subside.
“She wasn’t your responsibility.”
“But she was, River. They were incapable of it.”
He squeezed her arm. “You were home from college?”
“It was right before Christmas. I’d gone there to drop off gifts and pick up mine. Weird how we could keep up the charade. I spent the holiday working in Portland.” If only she’d stayed away.
The constant pressure of River’s hand on her arm encouraged her to release words she had cried to God on the darkest days.
“She came home before midnight.” Teal remembered the time. Details like that were etched in her mind. “She was crying so hard, we all woke up. Her hair a mess. Her gorgeous red dress all wet and muddy because she had to walk home. She blubbered that he wanted to have sex. Owen blew up. It took forever for Lacey to get a chance to tell us that no, they did not, and that he had not hurt her. She cried and cried. Said she loved him. That she really could help him change. Then . . .” Teal swallowed a sob and spoke in a monotone. “Then Owen laid into me. Lacey Jo was not a slut like her sister. Lacey knew how to say no. Lacey had dignity. Lacey was a saint. Lacey was a good girl. Lacey was a winner. Lacey
could give me lessons. Lacey, Lacey, Lacey.”
The accusations echoed again in her mind. His cutting words were memorized, every single indictment proclaimed against her. Owen was angry at Cody, but just as he’d been doing since she was a little girl, her stepdad took it out on her. “I was twenty-two, River. I’d been on my own for years, figuratively and literally. I was going to graduate from college in the spring. I was going to law school in Los Angeles. I should have known better than to believe all that junk.”
“He was still your father figure. And, I imagine, he was repeating what he’d been telling you for a long, long time.”
She nodded and let out a heavy breath. “I left that night instead of in the morning. First, though, I went looking for Cody. I started at the nearest park in town. It was a popular hangout.” Everyone, including the Cedar Pointe cops, knew where the outcasts drank and smoked. As long as the kids bothered no one else, they were left alone.
She said, “I spotted him walking near the coffee shop. We argued. Part of me wanted him to leave Lacey alone. Part of me wanted to get back at her for being the family princess. I hated her in that moment.”
River gently wiped under her eyes.
She said, “What did it matter? Randi and Owen believed I was a slut. I’m sure half the town did too. I might as well prove they were right. I told Cody I’d give him what Lacey wouldn’t. That I could make him happier than she could. He said prove it.”
She went on, rushing her words to get through the worst of it. “It was pouring down rain. He had a key. We went inside Happy Grounds. There was a couch in the back room. He said he wanted a virgin but I’d do. I was angry and he was angry and we—”
“Shh. It’s okay.”
“River.” Teal looked at his face in the firelight. “I was a virgin that night.”
He stared at her. She saw the surprise in his eyes.
“Teal.”
“Doesn’t that take the cake? I do it once and get pregnant.”
River blinked.
She waited for the light to dawn. “Yeah. One time until you.”
He only blinked some more.
“I always just let on that I was experienced. It didn’t take much of a leap since I grew up acting tough. And who’s going to hire a naive, non-savvy lawyer?”