by Diane Wood
“I’m a lot stronger than you think,” replied Alex, relieved that Nathalie hadn’t been offended by her approach. “And I’m willing to take my chances. If it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out, but I’d like the opportunity to get to know you better.”
“Does that mean you’re asking me out again?”
Laughing, Alex replied, “I told you I would. So, how about joining me for a BBQ lunch with a couple of friends on Saturday…and see what happens after that.”
“Okay, it’s a date,” Nat answered quietly, following her instincts. “I’ll see you tomorrow and we can make the arrangements.”
Nathalie tried not to think about what she’d just agreed to. There was danger in letting people get close, but she liked Alex a lot. She was attractive, intelligent and one of the warmest people she’d ever met. Perhaps having another interest would force the nightmares and memories back out of her life.
The second phone call, with George, was strange. He’d called to ask if she wanted to have lunch with him and Jeremy on Sunday, but he sounded distracted and the warmth they’d built up over the last couple of weeks had disappeared.
“Where’s Mother?” she asked curiously.
“Out doing business. She’s thinking of going back to the US in a few weeks and she’s meeting friends on Sunday.”
Gratefully she accepted, but George’s strangeness worried her.
* * *
Alex and Nathalie met at the center the next evening and only had time for a very brief discussion before Alex’s client arrived and both women retired to meet with her in one of the offices. After that the evening got more hectic and only at the end did they meet up again.
Alex invited Nathalie back to her house again for coffee.
While classical music played softly in the background they talked about their jobs. Nat told Alex about her transfer and that she would be part of the team investigating the recent lesbian murders. Then Alex spoke about her role in the prisons and the challenges that made the job worthwhile. Nathalie enjoyed hearing the passion and genuine empathy Alex displayed for her clients. It was obvious to Nat that Alex had genuinely found her calling as a psychologist. Later they discussed music and travel. Then Alex asked about Nat’s family.
“I have a brother I see occasionally,” she answered vaguely. “We lost touch for a long time, but we’ve actually seen a bit of each other over the last few weeks.”
“What about your parents? Where are they?”
Nathalie’s normal answer when people asked that question was to tell them her mother and father were dead, but for some reason she didn’t want to lie to Alex.
“My mother lives in America, although she’s on holiday here at the moment.” Aware of Alex waiting for more information, she said as casually as she could, “We don’t get on very well and we didn’t have contact for many years. We met up again at my brother’s recently, but it didn’t work out. It’s a long story.”
“What about your father?”
“He left before I was born. Mother said he was a businessman who came from New Orleans. He didn’t want a child.”
“I’m sorry. It must have been hard not knowing him?”
“Not really. You don’t miss what you never had, and obviously he didn’t want to know me. What about you? Are your parents alive?” Nat asked, relaxing and enjoying the personal conversation.
“My mother is. She lives not far from me. My father died when I was nineteen.”
“Did you like him?”
The question surprised Alex. “Yes, I liked him. He was gentle and fun and he looked after us. We were devastated when he died.”
“Do you like your mother?”
Nodding, she said, “She’s probably one of my best friends. We talk and laugh a lot, and there’s not much she doesn’t know about my life. I love her very much.”
Now they were both quiet, Alex studying Nathalie and Nathalie studying her drink.
“Why don’t you get on with your mother?” Alex asked eventually.
Nathalie didn’t look up, but her eyes moved into the distance and her face became tense. For a long time she didn’t speak, and when she did Alex detected a note of fear. “She’s not a nice woman,” she said, shaking her head and then looking up. “But hopefully she’s out of my life now, so let’s talk about something else.”
It was obviously a very bad relationship. The psychologist in Alex wanted to investigate it further, while the friend wanted to heal Nat’s pain. They spoke of movies they liked and actors and actresses, and eventually Nathalie asked what birth sign she was.
“You don’t strike me as someone who’d believe in star signs,” laughed Alex, taken by surprise. “Now me, I’m a born believer in things esoteric and spiritual.”
“Well, there you go,” Nat smiled. “I can surprise the psychologist. So what sign are you?”
“Leo. And you?”
“Scorpio,” Nat replied with a grin.
“Oh, dear,” Alex exclaimed. “According to the books we’re not compatible—lots of obstacles.” Then, smiling broadly, “But then obstacles are there to be overcome. So are you interested in the psychic as well?” Alex continued curiously.
“My mother’s a clairvoyant,” Nat answered reluctantly. “She’s very popular among the rich and famous here and also in California.” The easy company had loosened her tongue. “But hey, I don’t want to talk about her. What’s this BBQ tomorrow?”
“It’s at the beachside house of a couple of friends, just a small gathering. I could pick you up about five o’clock. They’ve got a pool, so bring your swimwear.”
The conversation had been lively and relaxed and Nathalie found herself wanting to linger in this woman’s presence. Yet she was still unsure about letting Alex into her life and she wanted to take things slowly. “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow then,” she said, rising from her comfortable chair and writing her home address on a business card.
As they walked to the door, Alex longed to kiss Nat goodbye, but she didn’t. She didn’t want to move too fast too soon. Yet the moment Nat stepped over the threshold Alex regretted her decision. The attraction was definitely sexual, but she also wanted to reach her emotionally—to take away the darkness haunting those beautiful gray eyes.
Nathalie was scared. She longed to trust Alex, to confide in her. Yet while the secrets and lies were exhausting, Alex could never know the disgusting details of her past. And that was a problem, because the woman was on her mind all the time. She longed to be with her, to be held by her, to make love to her.
That night Nathalie didn’t dream. In the morning, feeling better than she had for a long time, she decided to get caught up on her housework. Stripped to a T-shirt and shorts, she scrubbed and polished and vacuumed to the sounds of Cat Stevens and Tina Turner. It would be strange meeting Alex’s friends, but she liked the idea of doing something with her that wasn’t related to the center. Although Alex was only a few years older than she was, she seemed so grounded. There was a twinge of jealousy when Alex spoke of Lou. Not because of the relationship, but because she couldn’t envisage inspiring such depth of emotion in anyone, and it made her feel cheated.
* * *
Alex arrived to pick her up just before five. Somewhere between Friday night and Saturday afternoon Alex had had her hair cut and styled and she looked stunning. Nat told her so.
“You look great too,” Alex commented, as she waited for Nathalie to set her answer machine and hunt for her mobile phone. “But then with your coloring you’d look wonderful in a garbage sack.” Without warning she moved to Nathalie, touching her face and kissing her tentatively.
Nat’s response was passionate, searing and wonderful, but then she tensed.
Alex stopped. “Sorry,” she whispered with a shrug, “I’m rushing things, I know, but I can’t help it. When I want something, I want it yesterday.”
They both laughed.
“Perhaps we should leave?” Alex suggested, moving away.
On the drive to the party, Nat thought about Josh. When he’d started asking her out she’d struggled. He was funny, intelligent and interesting, and she’d been very lonely. While she didn’t want the obligation of a physical relationship with any man, she didn’t want to lose the enjoyment of his company or the genuinely loving attention he paid her. So it became a compromise. Knowing she could offer him nothing emotionally, she’d put her energy and skill into giving him a highly satisfying sex life and making their home life pleasant.
But while he never questioned her commitment, he had known that what was missing was far greater than what they had, and it upset him. He loved her, was in love with her, but emotionally he’d felt locked out and alone in the relationship. Coupled with the terrible nightmares and a past she refused to discuss, he’d found the emotional gap just too wide to breach.
It scared Nathalie that this might happen with Alex.
The house was beautiful, with huge sweeping decks overlooking the ocean, and Trish and Jenny were lively, interesting, older dykes, who made Nathalie feel welcome.
Alex showed her through the house.
“It’s beautiful,” stated Nat as they wandered from room to room. “I could live here very easily.”
“Trish is a retired surgeon, who spent a lot of her life working in various parts of Africa,” Alex explained quietly. “She helped me look after Lou in the last couple of months of her life. Lou couldn’t have stayed out of hospital without her and Jenny.”
Squeezing her hand, Nat acknowledged the honor of being introduced to these people who were obviously very important to her.
As they talked, Nathalie found herself enjoying the easy conversation and friendly banter of her hostesses. Sometime later, several other couples arrived and were introduced to Nat. These included a male couple, one of whom seemed very familiar.
He was slim and dark and very handsome, and the recognition was mutual, but Nat couldn’t place him. He said nothing during the introductions.
Conversation flowed freely to the rhythm of African music, and Nat found herself relaxing completely. Later they moved to the deck where Jenny busily cooked meat and seafood on an enormous built-in barbecue. It was while she leaned against the rail of the balcony staring mindlessly out to sea that the dark young man joined her.
“You’re Nathalie Silver, aren’t you—Charlotte Silver’s daughter?” he asked quietly, as he leaned on the rail beside her.
Her throat tightened and her blood ran cold, but the man’s attitude didn’t seem malevolent as he placed his hand comfortingly on her own.
“It’s okay,” he whispered. “I don’t want trouble. I’m Michael Anopolous, but you knew me as Ari or Aristotle…your mother’s house many years ago?”
Swallowing hard, she continued to stare at him. “You were a boy then,” she answered finally. “I wouldn’t have recognized you.”
“You weren’t much older yourself. How is your mother?” he asked, unable to disguise the loathing in his eyes. “I actually loved her and George. At least I thought so at the time.”
“She lives in America.” Looking around, Nathalie was relieved to see Alex still deep in conversation with Trish.
Noticing her worried look, he said, “I’ve been with James for six years, but he doesn’t know about my past, so you’re in no danger from me.”
“Ari—”
“Michael,” he corrected quickly. “You know, you were always good to me and I liked you a lot, but you were no sooner at the house than you were gone. You weren’t like Charlotte or George. You never seemed comfortable in that world.”
“Like you said, you didn’t know me very well. And my name’s Nathalie Duncan. I never went under my mother’s name.”
“I was only thirteen when George and your mother seduced me,” he stated unemotionally. “But I was having a lot of fun and finding out a lot about myself. Then all of a sudden…a few years on…it wasn’t as much fun anymore and I couldn’t wait to get out. I was lucky, my family took me back, sent me away to school and I got the chance to pull away from them and start again. But what about you? George told me a lot about growing up in that house. I can’t imagine a childhood like that.”
“No, you can’t,” she replied, unsure whether to trust this man or not. “But you don’t get to choose your family, and in the end we all survive…don’t we?”
“Yes, I guess we do,” he said thoughtfully. Then his tone changed. “I want you to know that Alex is a good friend of ours. Do anything to harm her and I will come after you.”
At that moment Alex arrived and stretching up, planted a warm kiss on Michael’s cheek. “So, how’s my Greek god,” she laughed, touching his face lovingly.
“Much better for that kiss, my beloved Alexandra,” he smiled gently. “And pleased to see you’ve finally found a new interest.” As the words left his mouth, his eyes bored into Nat’s, telling her in no uncertain terms that she was not to take Alex’s interest lightly.
It scared her but also heartened her that Alex would inspire such loyalty.
“So what were you two talking about so intently when I walked up?”
“Horoscopes, my nosy friend,” he replied a little too quickly. Then laughing, he added, “I was just telling your Nathalie that she’d better behave herself with you or she’d have James and me to deal with. I don’t think she was intimidated, though.”
“No, Michael,” she said with a grin. “I seriously doubt she would be; you’re just not mean enough.” By now they’d been joined by James and were drifting back to where the food was being served.
Later, when it was dark and the lights had been dimmed, Alex asked Nat to dance. The music was slow and low, and Trish and Jenny were moving together in one corner of the vast lounge.
“I can’t dance,” she whispered in reply.
“Sure you can,” she replied, pulling Nat to her feet. “You know how to hold a woman, don’t you? After that the rest comes naturally.”
And it did. Being in Alex’s arms was warm and peaceful and sexy. She wanted to be close to her, to hold her forever, to be needed by her, to feel that soft, warm body against her own and to feel the pressure of her arms around her waist.
“You dance well,” Alex whispered dreamily, as they moved in time to the music. “What else don’t I know about you?”
Without answering, Nathalie moved closer, held her tighter and prayed that somehow she could make this work.
* * *
It was close to midnight when they left. Nathalie had enjoyed the company and the inclusion she felt with Alex’s friends. Michael had seen her once more during the evening, but the discussion had been general, letting her know that, unless she raised it, the subject of the past was closed.
That Alex would come into her apartment for coffee was a foregone conclusion, and Nat knew that tonight they would sleep together. It was more about not wanting to let Alex out of her sight than it was about sex—at least that’s how it started. But as they held and kissed and touched, Nat felt an excitement she’d never experienced before.
Somehow they ended up naked in the big warm bed, with Alex taking the initiative. Her passion had been obvious all evening and Nat could feel the tension and need pouring from her as she moved sensuously against her, tiny gasps escaping her lips as Nat moved with her.
“It’s been so long,” Alex whispered, as they kissed and stroked, exploring tentatively, then passionately. “I didn’t think I’d ever want to do this with anyone again, but I want you so much.”
“Oh God, yes,” gasped Nat, as Alex shuddered and moved a little faster against her hand, her kisses becoming more demanding, her breathing more ragged.
Nat knew all the moves, but it wasn’t like other times. It wasn’t cold and mechanical. She wanted only to satisfy this woman, but now her body was assailing her with its own demands, and she didn’t feel guilty, and her spirit and emotions participated in a way she’d never known.
&
nbsp; Afterward, they lay in each other’s arms, Nathalie feeling safe and loved for the first time in her life and Alex feeling a quiet joy and contentment and a certainty that Lou would not have minded.
“So tell me about your family,” Alex said as they lay together talking. “What does your brother do for a living?”
“He works for Mother—looks after her business affairs over here,” she answered vaguely, wondering what Alex would say if she told her that he ran an exclusive call service providing boys and girls to the wealthy or organized parties for the truly jaded.
“You don’t like your mother much, do you?”
“It’s mutual,” Nat replied grimly. “I think she actually hates me.”
“No,” argued Alex, sadly. “She’s your mother.”
“I always seem to annoy her,” mumbled Nat quietly. “But it’s far more complicated than that.” She grimaced, “I really don’t want to talk about her. Instead I’d rather hear about your mother. What’s she like?”
“I guess I’m very lucky. Mum and I have always been close. My biological father left when I was a baby. Mum remarried a couple of years later and I gained a new dad—a wonderful man who was always there for us. We had a terrific childhood.”
“We—so you have brothers and sisters?”
“I had a younger sister, but she died a long time ago, a few years after our father.”
“I’m sorry. You’ve had a lot of losses.”
“I suppose so, but I tend to be grateful that I loved them and they loved me in return.”
For a while they lay in silence, caressing one another, enjoying the closeness.
What Nat didn’t say about her childhood indicated to Alex that her past contained a lot of pain. Hopefully one day she’d trust her enough to share.
“So does this mean we’re seeing each other?” asked Nathalie tentatively. “Or was it just a fling?”
“I don’t do flings, Nat,” Alex replied gently. “You’re the first person I’ve been with since Lou died, and I didn’t sleep with you lightly.”