by Emma Nichols
Carine’s glassy eyes caught Eva before she could look away. ‘Not really,’ she said. Her voice was broken, and she had lost the Parisian elegance she had worn so well since turning up at Rowena’s side.
Eva sighed. She didn’t want the pressure of Carine’s affections. Not now. Not ever. She thought that message had been made clear the night Dee had punched her and she had confessed her love for Rosa. What she and Carine had had together was… a moment. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘I am too. We are great together, you know.’
Eva scanned the floor and a flush of heat rushed to her cheeks, as the memories of that night flooded her system. The residual effects were already causing her nervous system to fire, and her clit had started to pulse. She bit down on her lip to create a different type of pain; one that redirected her focus. It had the opposite effect and she cursed to herself at her body’s swift betrayal of her mind’s intentions. As she lifted her eyes, she couldn’t deny the truth. ‘Yes, we were.’ She puffed out a couple of breaths, collected her drink from the coffee table and took a long swig, holding the liquid in her mouth as a distraction. She wanted to feel the burn for longer. She wanted to wake up, to kick herself out of her habitual response to the events in her life. Carine’s eyes pierced her, their heat weakening her resolve and fuelling her desire. Eva could feel the intensity between them sucking her in. She pinched the bridge of her nose, pressing hard into the corners her eyes, and tried to find something else to take her attention away from what she might be about to do. The duel had been set in motion, and only she could decide the part of herself that would win.
Carine stepped into Eva’s space. ‘I know you want this as much as I do,’ she said. The lower pitch in her voice and the dark blue rings of her irises penetrated Eva’s core. The tingling sensation worked its way up to her neck, causing her to shudder. She could feel the heat of Carine’s breath on her ear. Carine started to run her fingers from Eva’s waist up towards her breasts, causing a fire to break out across her skin.
Eva’s eyes wanted to close, but doing so would leave her powerless to stop Carine’s advances. She had to fight hard to keep them open, blinking quickly to break the trance. Carine’s lips moved closer and Eva could feel herself groan inside. She needed that touch. She wanted that touch, but, not from this woman. She stepped back a fraction, away from the heat, and opened her eyes fully. ‘I can’t.’ The words lacked conviction, but it was a start.
Carine smirked, her tongue sweeping across her lips seductively, closing the gap again. She had sensed Eva’s weakness. Yes, she had had far too many to drink and she had intended to give Eva time, but she knew when a woman wanted sex with her, and Eva’s body was giving off all the right signals. ‘One last time,’ she said. Her eyes had darkened, and her cheeks were glowing a healthy pink. ‘Please fuck me?’ she begged. Her clit was on fire and the only thing that was going to bring her back down was Eva, inside her.
Eva’s sex reacted to the request and her mouth parched at the sight of Carine’s erect nipples through her light blouse. The small pert breasts were crying out for attention. Eva’s hand twitched, raring to go. She turned her head swiftly, allowing her eyes to rest on the wall, the television, and then the curtains: anything but Carine’s aroused body. She could feel her heart racing and tried to calm it down. It accelerated, as she felt the heat of Carine pressing against her. She turned out of the contact, her hands clamping her head. ‘No.’ She hadn’t realised she could shout, but she did.
Carine jumped back, shocked out of the trance that had been urging her on. Suddenly sobered, she held her hands up in front of her. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, stepping even further away from Eva.
Eva turned to look at Carine, trying to control the shaking that had overtaken her. ‘It’s okay.’ She pressed her hands to her face. ‘It’s okay,’ she repeated, rubbing furiously at her forehead and temples, as if cleansing her thoughts through a physical ritual. When she looked up, Carine was rubbing her own hand through her hair. She appeared uncharacteristically flustered. ‘It’s okay,’ Eva said again, wanting to make the point.
‘I’m sorry. I pushed, and I shouldn’t have.’ Carine confessed.
Eva’s head acknowledged the apology, although her body still hadn’t calmed from the arousal. After a few moments a smile formed, and then a light chuckle, her nerves driving the irrational response to the delicate situation. Carine wasn’t smiling. ‘I know we had a thing,’ Eva said. ‘But, you and me…’ she pointed between the two of them. ‘We’re… well, we’re not right for each other.’ She held Carine’s eyes, hoping they were both on the same page. ‘And, I’m in love with Rosa.’ The words were said quietly, but with no lack of certainty. ‘And, I intend to try and get her back,’ she added.
Carine stared, unwilling to be convinced. ‘Want another drink?’ she asked. Something had shifted, something Eva hadn’t even noticed.
‘No, I don’t think I do.’ Eva said. Something about expressing her wishes, her desires, her intentions, had fuelled the flame of determination. ‘I need to go to bed,’ she explained.
Carine emptied her glass and placed it on the table. As she brushed past Eva she pressed a kiss on the side of her cheek. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow,’ she said, before letting herself out of the door.
Eva sighed deeply, a sense of freedom filling her. The sensation was strange, yet refreshing. She picked up her phone and tapped out the message that she hoped would help her to turn her life around. The response came immediately.
Tomorrow, 10 at the studio?
Eva smiled, pleased with having taken the first step. She had already convinced herself that Charlie would be able to help her. She just didn’t quite know how.
Great, see you then
Eva sipped from the glass, turning it in her hand, pondering her last drink. She felt torn. The warm feeling burning on the back of her throat as the whiskey slid effortlessly, providing comfort and reassurance, but she wouldn’t miss the raging hangovers that seemed to stream from day to day. She felt a wave of anxiety sweep through her at the thought of her impending abstinence, but swiftly replaced the negative image with Rosa’s smiling face. She was worth it. Placing her glass in the kitchen she stepped through to her bedroom, stripped and slid between the cool covers. Tomorrow was both the end, and the beginning. The rebirth. The thought terrified and excited her at the same time, and her eyes struggled to shut long into the night as her mind battled the demons and her conditioned response, to resist the changes and run away.
*
Eva woke, feeling exhausted and wavering on her commitment to change. Having showered and dressed as if she were in a hurry, she padded through to the kitchen and popped a pod in the coffee machine. The edgy feeling didn’t go away. She downed the sweet espresso in an instant. She made another, and slid two slices of bread into her toaster, before pacing around her living space. The anxiety that had been with her since the evening was becoming intolerable. She played with the idea of backing down, and enjoyed the sense of relief that the thought engendered. It would be so easy to cancel her meeting with Charlie; so easy to take a quick drink and dampen the uncomfortable sensations raging in her chest. She tried to breathe through the constricted feeling in her throat, and the sound of the toast popping caused her to jump and her heart to race.
She worked hard to control the shaking knife as she spread the butter with an unsteady hand, unable to deal with the swell of emotion building inside her. The falling tears turned to sobs, and she fell to her knees, holding her head in her hands. She rocked herself, allowing the pain of grief to consume her. The toast would wait.
Eva couldn’t recall for how long she had cried, just that time had passed in a blur, and the fact that the toast would now be cold and brittle. She stood slowly, feeling entranced by the desire to survive, driven by a force she hadn’t realised existed in her before. The transcendent feeling had a quality of calmness that had been absent in her earlier, more obsessive, behaviour. Something had
shifted within her and for the life of her she didn’t know what that something was.
Eva glanced at her phone. 9.30. She threw the toast in the bin and headed for the door. She would walk to Charlie’s dance studio, and take in the fresh air. Exiting her flat, the thunderous drops descending from the dark clouds caught her by surprise. She pulled her jacket collar high up her neck and stepped into the cold rain.
Approaching the address on the crumpled-up leaflet Eva pulled out of her jacket pocket, the heavy feeling of anxiety that had rendered her paralysed earlier had been replaced with the light buzz of excitement. The smile on her lips carried through to her eyes, as she spied the name above the door. Love to Dance. It summed up Charlie. The door opened just as Eva’s hand reached the bell. Charlie’s beaming smile and gentle aura immediately caressed Eva, causing her to release a long breath. ‘Thanks for…’ She paused, taken aback by the depth of concern in the hazel eyes assessing her. ‘Thank you for seeing me,’ she said, completely oblivious to the fact that she had been followed.
‘Come in.’ Charlie opened the heavy metal door fully, allowing Eva to enter the studio. Shutting the door firmly, she led Eva through to the back of the building. Several rooms fed off of a long corridor, which in turn led through a locked door to a spiral staircase. Eva ascended the stairs into an open plan, light, airy space. Her eyes soaked up the converted warehouse style accommodation that seemed to house a large living space, and kitchen-dinner. She surmised that the four doors feeding off the large open room led to bedrooms and or a bathroom. The black and white décor was fitting, trendy and very unexpected. ‘Would you like to sit?’ Charlie asked. ‘Or if you’d prefer, we can talk while you walk?’ she offered waving her arm out around the room, causing Eva to raise an eyebrow, and a smile.
Eva hadn’t thought about walking around, but the idea seemed to resonate well with her need to be active. Sitting still seemed to enhance the edgy feeling in her gut. ‘I’m happy to keep moving,’ she said.
Charlie studied Eva intently, but with softness in her gaze. She breathed in deeply, closed her eyes and breathed out, a long breath, a slow breath, before opening her eyes again. This time, when she studied Eva, her pupils were dilated, but there was nothing remotely seductive about the connection between them. Charlie’s features had taken on a slightly more serious disposition, though her eyes still held their light sparkle. ‘How can I help?’ she asked.
‘I need to get clean.’ Eva said, her eyes lowering as she spoke. I have to stop drinking and I was hoping you could help,’ she added, raising her eyes, pleadingly.
Charlie tilted her head a fraction, recognising the desperation in Eva’s words. ‘Will you follow instructions?’ she asked, watching for Eva’s response. Eva started to snigger, and Charlie stared at her, sternly. ‘I’m serious. If you won’t follow instructions, then no one can help you. I will give you all the support you need, but you need to be strong too. How much do you want to stop drinking?’ she asked.
Eva’s eyes shot to the tall ceiling, trying to avoid the tears that were pushing their way through. The burning pressure behind her eyes won the battle and a steady stream fell down her cheeks. ‘I have to stop. I can’t…’ she stopped, willing the words to come. She took in a deep breath and started to speak on the flow of air she released, hoping it would drive the words. ‘I can’t control the drink, so I need to stop,’ she said, her wet eyes holding Charlie’s as she spoke. She rubbed the back of her hand across her cheeks, reached into her pocket for a tissue and blew her nose.
‘I believe you,’ Charlie said. The smile that was filled with compassion caused the tears to gather speed down Eva’s cheeks. Charlie stepped towards Eva. ‘Give me your hand?’ she said. The command felt more like a request.
Eva complied and held out her right hand. Charlie took the hand, nestling the back of the hand in her own palm, turning Eva’s hand palm up. She studied the lines for a while before covering the palm with her other hand. Eva could feel the red-hot heat and tried to move away, but Charlie exerted enough pressure to stop her moving. Eventually the blaze reduced. ‘What did you just do?’ Eva asked.
‘Do you trust me?’ Charlie asked softly, her gaze intense.
Eva paused. Of course she trusted Charlie, even though she didn’t know why she should. It was Charlie she had been driven to reach out to. ‘Yes, of course I do.’
‘Follow me.’ Charlie led Eva through the first door and into a softly furnished room containing a small wooden desk, a large, blue, posture-ball, a large couch seat, a smaller seat, and a clinical style bed. ‘Are you okay lying on here?’ she asked, tapping the clinical bed.
‘Sure.’
‘Take off your shoes and jacket.’ Eva removed her shoes and coat, placing the coat on the arm of the couch, and climbed onto the bed. Charlie pulled out a pillow from underneath the bed and handed it to Eva as she sat, with her legs hanging off the bed. ‘Have you ever had Reiki before?’
‘No. What is it?’ Eva asked.
‘It’s an energy technique, and very relaxing. I will rest my hands gently on the chakras in your body.’ She indicated with her hand on her own body, ‘and you’ll feel heat, tingling, vibration, which is all perfectly normal. All you need to do is relax. Then we can talk about what you experienced afterwards.’ She shrugged her shoulders in a matter of fact gesture, and smiled. ‘Sound okay?’
‘Sure,’ Eva said, feeling a little trepidation. She pulled her feet up to the bed and lay down, mindful of the need to follow instructions. As soon as Charlie’s hand rested on her solar plexus, Eva felt a surge of heat through her abdomen. She jolted, wide eyed, at the unexpected sensation.
‘It’s okay. Just relax and enjoy the feeling.’
Eva closed her eyes and tried to let go of the tension she had been holding. As Charlie moved around her body, applying heat through the slightest of touch, Eva softened. Something about the quality of the touch resonated deeply within her. She felt safe. Protected.
Eva had no idea how long she had been resting on the bed, but when her eyes fluttered and started to open, she became aware that she had a thick blanket over her. She had fallen asleep. But more than that, she felt different. Lighter. It was as if the weight she had carried for so long had been lifted, but she was also aware of the feeling of vulnerability. Light vibrations starting in her chest, flowed out to her limbs and she began to shake, her teeth chattering involuntarily. She rose to sit and stepped down onto the floor, for the first time becoming aware of Charlie who was sat in the large armchair in the corner of the room, next to the radiator. Charlie motioned for Eva to sit in the seat opposite her, and she did.
‘How are you feeling?’ Charlie asked. Her voice was soft, and full of compassion.
‘Umm.’ Eva managed through chattering teeth, even though it wasn’t cold in the room. ‘Good… I think.’ She furrowed her brow and rubbed her hands up and down her arms before taking the seat, immediately comforted by the additional warmth coming from the radiator. Charlie smiled sweetly, and Eva copied her. ‘Thank you.’
‘Would you like to talk?’ Charlie asked.
‘Yes,’ Eva responded, without hesitation.
21.
Eva had been restless for news from Mitch all week. Working with Charlie had helped her more than she would have imagined, but she still had to deal with the anxiety of not knowing whether she would be able to trace David Adams. She had visited the studio every day and always walked away feeling brighter, lighter, and stronger. She hadn’t had a craving for alcohol for the past twenty-four hours, and she was beginning to enjoy the freedom that came with not needing a drink. Though, she hadn’t tested herself in a social environment yet, and didn’t plan to for a while.
Sitting at the small metal table, sipping the bittersweet hot drink, her legs bouncing up and down with excitement, she waited. She scanned the entrance to the small patisserie, in desperation. Inside, she felt as if she had waited all her life for this information. The reality was that it had been just a
few weeks, though she had checked her in-box daily since that very first meeting. The note from Mitch on Wednesday had been brief.
I’ve got the information you need. Can you meet me at the café at 11 on Friday?
She re-read the email on her phone, just to make sure she’d got the right day and time. It was now 11.10, and Mitch wasn’t someone who did late. She stared down at the screen. There was no text of explanation, but then Mitch had never texted her either. She sighed deeply and sipped again at the coffee, adding adrenaline to her twitching legs.
‘Hi.’
Eva jumped out of her skin. Her attention had been on her phone for a split second and she hadn’t seen Mitch approach. ‘Hi,’ she said, standing to greet the PI, unable to take her eyes off the manila wrap-around folder in Mitch’s hand.
Mitch’s eyes caught the attention of the barista. Eva noticed the quality of the smile that passed between the two women and felt irritated, irrationally. Mitch sat casually, and carefully placed the folder on the table. ‘Expect this is what you’re after,’ she said, smiling at the urgency in her client’s eyes. She opened the file and laid out a pile of photographs and a profile report.
Eva’s eyes dived from one piece of paper to another, almost afraid to settle on something for fear of what she might discover. ‘Did you find him?’ she asked, hoping she had interpreted Mitch’s email correctly.
‘Yep,’ Mitch responded, with a broad grin that took over her face, and even the small seating area inside the shop.
The barista arrived with the milky coffee that was Mitch’s standard, and Eva could have sworn there had been some kind of physical exchange between them as the cup was handed over, but her eyes were so hungry for what the photos on the table would reveal, she ignored the intrusive thought.