by Shouji Gatou
I stopped by the park everyone’s talking about to speak to Lord Moffle mel Morsenus, chu.
(Tokyo Branch: Nezunezu Chukite)
—General Morsenus. Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule, chu. May I call you Moffle-san, chu?
Moffle: “If you like. You people have written a lot of trash about me in the past, you know. ‘The queen’s younger brother idles his days away at a fading ager,’ and such...”
—Chu, chu! That must have been before my time! That wasn’t me, chu!
Moffle: “I see, fumo. ...But the Mapleburg Post does a lot of shoddy journalism that annoys me, fumo. You should check on that, fumo.”
—Th-That’s slander, chu! And coming from someone with royal connections, it could be construed as censorship, chu!
Moffle: “...For the love of... That’s how everyone in your field talks, fumo. Ah, well. Ask your questions, fumo.”
—Thank you, chu. Now, Moffle-san... Everyone in Maple Land has been shocked by AmaBri’s rise, chu. Would you be the one most responsible for its success, chu?
Moffle: “Not at all, fumo.”
—But that’s the angle my editor wants, chu.
Moffle: “Don’t interview a man with the result already in mind, fumo! What are you, Gaki no Tsukai?!”
—No need to be so angry... Anyway, can I still say you’re responsible, chu?
Moffle: “I said no, fumo. I’m doing my duties as headlining mascot, but that’s all.”
—So? Are you saying someone else is responsible, chu?
Moffle: “Moffu (affirmative). Everyone’s contributing to our success, fumo. But if I had to name the person most responsible, it would have to be our acting manager, Kanie Seiya, fumo.”
—Kanie Seiya. Is he a mortal, chu?
Moffle: “Moffu (affirmative).”
—I have some questions about that too, chu. There’s precedent for leaving government ager to mortal management, chu.
Moffle: “Moffu. I hear that was a long time ago, but yeah. It’s not as if it’s illegal, fumo.”
—True, it’s not illegal, chu. But some people might call it politically risky, chu. Relying on a mortal to help us gather the animus we magical realm residents need to survive... opposition party senators assert that it poses a risk to the independence of the magical realms.
Moffle: “Hmph. Who cares what those opposition morons say, fumo?”
—What a bombshell, chu! Can I really write that down?!
Moffle: “Moffu. We’re on the front lines here, fumo. Fat cats who sit around importing animus from Digimaland can’t know what we go through, fumo.”
—It’s true that Maple Land’s animus self-sufficiency has been on a downward trend, chu. If AmaBri were to close, it might never recover.
Moffle: “That’s right. We’d risk becoming dependent on other realms for our energy supply, fumo. If we want to hold our ground, we need to keep the park in business, even if it means asking mortals for help, fumo.”
—But magical realm globalization is in full swing as well, chu. Some feel that, rather than leaving inefficient government agers in place, we should shift over to full animus importation to focus on other fields.
Moffle: “I’m aware of that opinion, fumo. But the techniques for gathering animus should remain as national policy, fumo. Once lost, these techniques (entertainment techniques) can’t be regained so easily, fumo. It would put us in a disadvantage in crucial trade negotiations, fumo.”
—Is that a criticism of the king’s policies, chu?
Moffle: “No, fumo. I’m sure the king has his reasons for doing what he does, and I respect that. Of course, I have plenty of other complaints about that wishy-washy pervert, if you want to hear ’em.”
—What a scoop, chu! C-Can I write that too, chu?!
Moffle: “Moffu. Yeah, go ahead. Send it to the king and have him read it, fumo. All it’ll do is hurt and depress him.”
—Amazing, chu. That’s the great general of the Maple Land Third Division, chu.
Moffle: “Flattery won’t get you anywhere, fumo. And stop calling me ‘great general,’ fumo.”
—Okay, chu. But this is a perfect chance, Moffle-san, for us to segue into your career, chu.
Moffle: “Moffu.”
—As a general, you led us to victory in Operation Sweet Storm. Now you do juggling to entertain children in an ager, chu. What do you really think about this change in circumstances, chu?
Moffle: “It’s fine. Entertainment’s a better fit for my personality, fumo. And debating with bigwigs at staff meetings isn’t fundamentally different from dealing with guests in the park, fumo.”
—Chu? What do you mean?
Moffle: “They both make me tired of dealing with children (laughs).”
—(laughs) Oh, you made me laugh at something I shouldn’t have, chu. You’re terrible, Moffle-san.
Moffle: “Sorry, fumo.”
—Well, let’s change the subject, chu. Regarding the rest of the park staff, I’d like to ask about Yisuzurch Sentolucia-san, the royal guard member who’s been dispatched there, chu.
Moffle: “You mean Sento Isuzu, fumo?”
—Do you two get along, chu?
Moffle: “I’d say we do, fumo. Though it’s annoying that she shoots me any time I tease her, fumo.”
—Lady Sentolucia is the granddaughter of Representative Yisuzurch, an influential man in the Maple Land Senate, isn’t she? Has that made certain things harder, or led to conflict in any way?
Moffle: “No, fumo. At least not that I can think of right now, fumo. Actually, I’d forgotten she was also from a noble family, fumo...”
—Is she in any romantic relationships?
Moffle: “...No, fumo. She’s single, despite her large breasts.”
—Really? She’s not seeing anyone behind the scenes, chu? I’d love to know, chu.
Moffle: “Moffu. I told you, no. ...Aren’t you a national newspaper? Why are you trafficking in tabloid gossip, fumo?”
—Forgive me, chu. It was a matter of personal interest, chu. ...Moving on. I’d like to hear more about Archamreal-san, chu.
Moffle: “Who’s that? Archam... what, fumo?”
—Ashe ahm Archamreal, chu. AmaBri’s head of finance, chu. What brought a former Schubert Empire undersecretary of the treasury to your park? I’d like to hear more about that, chu.
Moffle: “Ashe was their undersecretary of of the treasury? For real, fumo?”
—You didn’t know, chu?
Moffle: “Moffu. First I’ve heard of it. I never even knew her full name before now, fumo.”
—Schubert and Maple Land have a friendly relationship, chu. But having another country’s former high official handling your ager’s finances has gotten political tongues wagging. I’d like to get a comment, chu.
Moffle: “I don’t know what to say... Ashe does a good job. She’s as responsible for our success as Kanie Seiya is, fumo. Besides, agers are always run by a mix of staff from various countries, fumo. Digimaland even employs Maple Land citizens. It’s not that unusual, fumo. As for why she’s come to work for us... I’m sure she had her reasons. That’s life, fumo.”
—Oh, really? Then let me ask about the Mogute Clan next, chu.
Moffle: “Taramo and his crew? They’ve been a big help to us, fumo.”
—The Mogute Clan are a legendary construction company, chu. Rumors say Polytear’s previous regime tried to have them buried alive. How did you find them and get them to sign their first exclusive contract in history, chu?
Moffle: “Leaving the details aside, I suppose that one’s on our manager, fumo. She has a way with people, fumo.”
—Are you referring to Princess Latifah, chu?
Moffle: “Yeah. Taramo’s men feel like they owe her. And their skill at carpentry means that renovations that would have taken six months can be done in a week, fumo. We’re all glad to have them, fumo.”
—There appear to be a number of secrets to your comebac
k success. I guess the renovations were a big contributor, chu?
Moffle: “Moffu. They were, fumo.”
—You mentioned Princess Latifah before. There are rumors that she bestowed magic upon Kanie Seiya, chu.
Moffle: “M-Moffu...”
—Women of the royal bloodline can bestow magic on mortals through mouth-to-mouth contact, chu. If that rumor is true, wouldn’t it represent a major scandal for the royal family?
Moffle: “Too bad it’s not true, fumo.”
—In addition, it’s said that royal magic is exceptionally powerful, chu. Powerful enough that even the chief royal magician couldn’t oppose it, chu. If the princess gave magic to Kanie Seiya, doesn’t that create a threat to national security, chu?
Moffle: “I’m going to repeat myself: It’s not true, fumo. The princess has maintained her chastity for more than ten years, fumo. Besides, she’s been laid up sick for much of that time; it’s possible she doesn’t even have that power, fumo.”
—Really, chu? But I’ve heard rumors that she’s actually fairly active, chu. Last March, a girl who very much resembled the princess appeared in the park’s 30 yen campaign swimsuit video stream.
Moffle: “Th-That was a mortal model, fumo! I’d never let her do anything so demeaning on my watch, fumo!”
—It’s true that your affection for the princess is well known among royal watchers, chu.
Moffle: “...Say whatever you want, fumo. It’s about time for my show, so can we draw this to a close?”
—Chu. Could I have one last comment about Kanie Seiya, the key figure behind AmaBri’s revival, chu?
Moffle: “He’s not a bad kid, fumo.”
—Thank chu very much.
× × ×
[From a trade magazine, Monthly Ager]
Column: Let’s Ask Aquario: the Secrets of the Popular Quartet?
As the government ager Amagi Brilliant Park skyrockets in popularity, the attraction most popular with fathers must be Aquario; it’s a modern day “Dragon’s Palace,” featuring four dancing beauties. We caught up with the four dancers in the middle of practicing their new program and had an interview.
(Editorial Department)
—First, introduce yourselves, and tell us your best feature.
Muse: “I’m Muse! I’m the Fairy of Water! I’m sort of the leader of the four. My best feature is... hmm. My fingers? I think?”
Salama: “(while playing with her smartphone) Salama. Spirit of Fire. I don’t have a best feature.”
Kobory: “Um, I’m the Spirit of Earth, Kobory. I’m not sure what my best feature is... my hair, maybe? I get compliments about it sometimes...”
Sylphie: “I’m Sylphie! Spirit of Wind! My best feature is my digestion!”
—Thank you very much. Now, what’s your special talent?
Muse: “Hmm, singing and dancing, I’d say. Though I still have a long way to go!”
Salama: “(while playing with her smartphone) Special talent? I don’t have one.”
Kobory: “I’m pretty good at... drawing. And fantasizing... I mean, daydreaming...”
Sylphie: “Me, me, me! Bobsledding!”
—Now, what’s your least favorite thing?
Muse: “Let me see... the cold, I think? Also, bugs.”
Salama: “Nothing in particular. (after being rebuked by Muse) ...Huh? This is so dumb... fine, I hate my annoying leader. (further abuse of Muse omitted)”
Kobory: “Dancing and stuff... um, I guess that feels weird to say that, since I’m a dancer...”
Sylphie: “Hmm... Cutting my nails past the quick?”
—Tell us more about Aquario.
Muse: “It’s a wonderful musical attraction that incorporates special effects and wirework! I hope you’ll all come and see it!”
Salama: “By the way, if it features spirits for all four base elements, why is it called Aquario? I’ve been wondering. ‘Aqua’ means water.”
Muse: (stammers)
Kobory: “Um, um... I think the attraction already had that name when we got here, so... I don’t think it’s Muse-san’s fault.”
Sylphie: “Idea! New name: Elementario!”
—What makes your musical special?
Muse: “Our totally in-sync dancing! We’ve been practicing really, really hard. Come see us, okay?”
Salama: “What makes it special, huh? The sexy costumes, I guess? Lately, the front row has been packed with these old guys, nostrils flaring... Like it’s a strip joint or something.”
Kobory: “Um. We’ve made some basic upgrades since the year started. The lighting has been digitized, and we installed more speakers, so the sound quality is much better than last year. I actually helped out with that, and it was really hard, so... I hope you’ll come and see it.”
Sylphie: “Dor-yan is so strict... (Ed: Is she referring to Dornell, the stage director? I don’t see how that’s special, but I’m leaving the comment in unaltered.)”
—Are there any attractions you recommend besides Aquario?
Muse: “Probably Moffle-senpai’s House of Sweets... I don’t quite know why it’s so popular, but it’s been a real education for me. And of course, lots of guests enjoy it, so you should really stop by just once!”
Salama: “Recommended attractions? Maybe the merry-go-round. It’s tucked away in a corner, so it doesn’t get much attention, but it’s pretty old, you know? It was special ordered from Europe during the early Showa era, when the place was still Amagi Playground. Huh? What? What’s wrong with me saying something sincere?”
Kobory: “Let’s see... Personally, I like Planet Dinosaur. It’s a dinosaur attraction in Wild Valley, and I really like the five dinosaurs who serve as your guides. They have some really nice shipping dynamics... well, Tricen-san aside... but it just inspires my creativity. No wait, forget I said that!”
Sylphie: “Of course! I most recommend Aquario! (it’s pointed out that I said “other than Aquario”) ...Oh. Then, Elementario!”
—Lastly, please give a message to the readers of Monthly Ager.
Muse: “Hmm... I never thought I’d get to give an interview like this. I’m so grateful! Please come to see us in person on stage!”
Salama: “None in particular. (after being scolded by Muse) ...Huh? Umm... okay, if you have time, come to see us. Also, you don’t have to follow my account. It’s just kind of creepy.”
Kobory: “Hey, art group friends, are you watching? Great job at the recent Sankuri!”
Sylphie: “If you come by? Woosh! I’ll give you some botamochi!”
—Thank you all for coming.
× × ×
[From Maple Land music magazine Monthly Pockin’ Ron]
How much of a Fairy of Music is Macaron? The Myths and Facts About the Rebellious Sheep
Amagi Brilliant Park has been making an serious comeback. Part of the reason for its shining ascendance is music.
We talked to the Fairy of Music, Macaron McSecaron, the park’s second-most popular star and producer of its music.
[Interview, text: Nobino Prarie]
—Thanks for having me today, rii. I have a lot of questions for you, rii.
Macaron: “I’ll tell you all I can, ron. But try not to ask anything too personal, ron.”
—You mean like about your ex-wife and your child support woes, rii?
Macaron: “That wasn’t a cue to do it, ron!”
—I beg your pardon, rii.
Macaron: “Anyway, I’ve been keeping up with those lately, ron. I’ve been able to see my daughter as a result.”
—Oh, good for you, rii. But that’s not very rock, is it, rii?
Macaron: “You can take your rock and shove it, ron.”
—Harsh, rii. Rock is our specialty here. While we’re at it, I’d like to ask a little more about your taste in music, rii. You like rock, rii?
Macaron: “Not especially. About as much as anyone does, ron.”
—But don’t you sometimes
do thrash metal on stage, rii?
Macaron: “Only because it’s more accessible to most customers, ron. I’d much rather be doing gangsta rap, but it slows turnover, and nobody gets it, ron... puff!”
—That’s something I wanted to ask about, rii. Why rap, rii?
Macaron: “It’s where my roots are, ron. If you want to get ahead in Macaronia, you either become a rapper or a mascot, ron.”
—Those are some pretty polar opposite choices, rii.
Macaron: “I’m a pretty talented fairy, so I can perform in most genres. But rap is what I always did with my local crew. I just want to be true to where I came from, ron.”
—I see. By the way, what do you think about the music used in the park, rii?
Macaron: “Well, it’s for families, so there have to be a lot of compromises, ron. That doesn’t mean I’m a sellout. I just respect the mood of the place, ron.”
—Do you perform all of it too, Macaron-san?
Macaron: “Most of it. Funding’s limited, so we have to do a lot with step recording, ron. It’s not like I’ve ever played a harp before.”
—Tell me about your favorite instrument lately, rii.
Macaron: “Instrument? Blues guitar, I’d say. I got a slide guitar that works with my hooves, so I practice when I have time, ron.”
—Like Elmore James?
Macaron: “Oh. You know him, ron? Nice. ...Well, I tried playing it at the entrance recently, but the guests didn’t take to it very well, ron...”
—The suffering of a fairy of music, rii. By the way, you’re leading the park’s idol unit, right? Task Force ABC?
Macaron: “Yeah. They’re... I wouldn’t call them an idol unit, exactly. They just go around to entertain local businesses, seniors in the old folks’ homes and such. It’s not like we’re trying to really break out or anything, ron.”
—What are the ABC girls like, rii?
Macaron: “They’re newbie part-timers, ron. That’s really all they are. They’re going in with the best of intentions, ron.”