“Aye, sir. In fact, I am from Dunmore and can get us there easily,” she replied, sniffing through her tears. To Douglas it seemed that she was comforted by his presence, but he worried that he was only being wishful in that thought.
“Excellent. Then we should go as quickly as possible. And before your enemy comes through the trees. I imagine the battle will only spread and we ought to be gone before it does,” he said wisely.
Holloway seemed unsure. Douglas saw in his eyes that he couldn’t understand why they were helping these two Scots or why the lady was so quick to trust them. Clearly, she was in distress, but trusting enemies like them?
Douglas merely nodded at him to let him know that they were proceeding with this plan. They dismounted and helped one another load the unconscious man onto his horse.
As he was placed up there, the man began to wake, just enough to groan and let his eyes roll for a moment. “Grace…” he whispered.
“I’m here, Callum,” she replied, rushing over to him and taking his hand.
“Callum…” Douglas repeated.
Grace looked in his eyes, as if caught off guard for showing such familiarity in front of him. “Aye. He is me…friend. From childhood. N-nothing more,” she said, adding the last part quietly and looking at the ground.
Again, Douglas sensed Holloway’s eyes on them. “We had better get moving,” he said and the three hopped back on their horses and began to ride toward Dunmore.
When the castle was within their sight, Douglas knew that it was time to say goodbye to Grace and the man she was with. The man was secure, Grace could get him home, and that was all that mattered.
However, he wanted to see her alone, to speak with her. Who was this man? He was clearly her betrothed. Why else would she be out riding alone with him? He was her kind, handsome, clearly strong for handling such a shot and having regained mild consciousness.
Nevertheless, to speak with her, he had to be rid of the other two men. “Lieutenant Holloway,” he began.
“Yes, General?”
“It would not be good for two of us to storm into a Scottish stronghold. But I have a thought. It might do some good for them to see that a Hanoverian helped their man. Would you enter with the lady?” he asked.
“Me, General? You would like me to go into the castle?” he asked in confusion.
“Only that this lady might tell them how you helped their man and how you were so peaceful with them,” Douglas said.
“S-sure,” Holloway replied with hesitant words.
“Excellent, so I would ask that you take the man closer and I would like to speak with you, my lady, about the sort of care I think he should receive,” Douglas said.
It was clear that Holloway was still unsure about this whole situation, but it was all Douglas could come up with in the moment to have Grace to himself.
“Aye, sir. As ye wish,” she replied.
Holloway hopped down from his horse and led Callum’s nearer to the castle gate, leaving Douglas and Grace behind, where they were concealed by a wall of stones.
“Thank ye,” Grace said with a sigh of relief. It was clear that her gratitude was true and Douglas was glad to have been of assistance. Still, his heart was aching that she had been with this other man.
In just the same moment that Douglas was agonized by Grace’s gentleness with the other man, he also admired it. Seeing her so beautifully care for someone was a part of the stunning nature of her character that had so enthralled him.
“I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable by having you for a moment alone, but I could not allow out brief meeting to pass without saying a few words to you. I could sense that you did not wish for our familiarity to be seen by our two counterparts,” he said vaguely.
“Aye. Thank ye for understanding that. It wouldnae have been good for either of them to see us. Clearly for you it could have meant treason and for me as well. It seems that the two of us have quite a secret if we are to ken one another,” she replied.
“Yes, indeed.”
It was quiet for a moment before Grace turned to him again with a question in her eyes. “Forgive me, but why were ye so nearby? I understood it that ye were stationed at Fort Amswold and that’s not exactly where we came upon ye,” she pointed out.
Douglas sighed. “Yes, I suppose I’ve been traveling quite a lot as of late.”
“Ye’ve been traveling a lot near Dunmore,” she said, gentle accusation in her voice.
Douglas eyed her, frustrated by her keen awareness, but not wanting to show his weakness and the fact that he took notice of it. “Well a soldier goes where he is sent, so…”
“And a general is the one who decides where the soldier goes,” Grace finished, pointing out the flaw in his logic.
“Listen, Dunmore happens to be an area of interest to us. There’s little more to it than that. Well, not Dunmore itself, but the areas surrounding. Clearly there are battles happening around here. Perhaps you should stop wondering why I’m constantly around here and start wondering why your land is always prepped for battle,” he said.
The words Douglas spoke were annoyed, harsh, and bothered Grace quite a lot. She couldn’t understand why he would be so cruel, but she also sensed that he was trying to cover his pride. However, she had pride of her own and it seemed unfair that she should have to push it aside for him.
“Well I so deeply apologize for suggesting that ye should go back to yer own land instead of bothering us here, but I sort of like me homeland. If ye take an issue with that, by all means, leave us be and forget that we even exist because ye can be sure that it willnae be long before we go on and forget about ye,” Grace replied with anger in her eyes and venom in her words.
Douglas was quiet for a moment. He sensed the regret she felt for her obvious anger and he deeply regretted his own. Seeing her angry at him, seeing her with the other man, just seeing her at all caused such deep emotions in him that he could barely see past his own judgment.
How had she been able to do this to him? How had this young woman undone years of bitter hatred toward the Scottish people, particularly the women? How was it that Grace MacGowan could completely undo his world and pull these feelings from him?
“Grace…” he began quietly, softly.
She looked up at him and a soft breeze glided through her hair, warning that the cold was soon to become a frost.
“Grace, forgive me for being so harsh with you. Forgive me for my pride. I did not mean to be such a…” He trailed off. Douglas didn’t know where to go next with his words. How could he convince her that he was a good man? How, after everything, could he show her that he was truly kind and good, and better than those other soldiers?
Grace’s eyes softened as she looked up at him. “Forgive me as well…” she said, also trailing off.
Their eyes locked and Douglas felt as if the air became totally still only for the sake of the two of them. He could not move his feet, but only look at the woman who seemed to be stealing his heart moment by moment, day by day.
Douglas felt his head bending toward Grace and as he leaned into her, she tilted her head up and ever so slightly inclined toward him in return, as if they were coming together by the tug of an invisible string shortening between them.
He saw in her eyes that she desired him as he so desired her. She was ready, waiting for his kiss, waiting for the moment his lips expressed their primary desire for her only.
“He’s awake!” came a voice in the distance. The sound of Holloway and a guard speaking snapped Douglas from his spell and he and Grace pulled apart in case they might be caught so near an embrace.
After a moment of discomfort, Douglas looked at Grace once more.
“Please, keep yourself safe. And do not go out riding with your…friend. Take good care of him and I ask you to please ensure that he takes good care of you as well,” Douglas said.
In an instant, he had mounted his horse.
“Tell Holloway I shall wait for him where h
e knows to find me,” he instructed coldly. Realizing yet again that this could be the last time he ever saw her, Douglas pushed aside all desire for her and rode off.
A Truth too Impossible
“Ye’re going to be just fine. Dinnae worry about it,” Grace whispered from where she sat beside Callum’s bed. She soothingly brushed his hair back with her hand.
“I’ve got ye by me side to restore me, aye?” he replied with a pained smile.
“Well, Joanna did most of the restoring,” Grace replied, aware of the blush in her cheeks.
“Nah, Joanna did the healing thing; it’s yer smile that restores me. It’s ye that brings me a bit of comfort and joy,” he replied.
Grace was quiet as she watched him. His eyes closed and the pained wrinkle of his brow eased into unawareness.
Callum was unconscious again and Grace was thankful for that. He would recover, that was the most important part. He needed to get a lot of rest and she didn’t want to disturb or wake him, so she made her way to the drawing room, where she stood for a moment, gazing out the window.
As she stared, the weight of everything fell upon her and Grace collapsed onto the chaise. She allowed her head to drop into her hands and the tears to flow freely from her eyes. It was too much to handle and she could no longer bear to keep it all inside.
With great heaving sobs, she allowed herself to release the tension of every emotion she had been carrying.
The scare of seeing Callum shot.
The anxiety of trying to impress him.
The worry that he might actually want her and the pressure to keep him interested.
The loneliness she had felt since Colla left.
The need to carry her burdens in a way that befitted her new station in the castle.
The way her homeland was being attacked.
The way that Douglas had looked at her…
The way that Douglas had looked at her…
The way that Douglas had looked at her…
Grace’s emotions began to still as this thought echoed on repeat through her mind. Douglas had truly looked upon her in a way that clearly showed his returned interest. Did he know how she felt? Could he see it in her eyes as she had seen in his?
Would it ever come to mean anything at all?
As her breathing began to steady, Grace allowed herself to calm and be still. It didn’t have to be like this. She didn’t have to be so weak. She could still pretend. She could still try to fall in love with Callum.
However, it was thoughts of Douglas that brought her peace. No matter how hard it would ever be to be with him, he was the one that made her feel calm. With Callum, she felt only pressure, strain, and stress to prove something that didn’t truly exist.
A knock sounded on the door. Grace sniffed and wiped at her eyes. “Who is it?” she asked, swallowing the sounds of her aching throat, scratchy from all the crying.
“It’s me, Grace,” came the voice of Adeline.
Grace wanted to see her dearest friend, to find some comfort. Yet seeing Adeline would mean breaking down and confessing everything and she was not quite ready to do that.
Grace felt certain that she would not be able to hold back from telling Adeline everything that was happening. “It isnae a good time,” she said gently after a pause.
“And ye’re daft if ye think that’s going to stop me from coming in,” Adeline said, opening the door.
She entered and stood strong, looking at Grace, the heaping mess on the chaise lounge. Grace immediately felt insecure about her tear-wetted hair and bloodshot eyes. Her eyes always became so red when she cried. She could never hide it from anyone when she was upset.
“If ye think that telling me it’s not a good time is going to keep me out, ye dinnae ken me all that well. Ye told me the magic words for coming in. I’d never leave ye alone when it ‘wasnae a good time’,” she warned.
“I’m sorry, Adeline, but ye really dinnae ken what’s going on and I cannae let ye pull it all out of me like ye normally do. Have ye any idea what it’s like for me right now? Have ye any idea how I feel?” Grace asked.
“Have ye any idea how much it doesnae matter whether I understand or not? I’m yer friend. Or so I thought. And friends cry to other friends because that’s what we’re here for. If ye dinnae want that, then sure, I’ll just be on me way,” Adeline threatened.
“No. Stay. I’m sorry. Ye’re right,” Grace said, looking at the ground. Perhaps she had inherited some of Colla’s stubbornness after all.
“So can ye tell me what’s got ye so worked up? Is it that ye were terrified when Callum was hurt? Did ye think ye’d lose yer future husband? Joanna says he’s doing just fine and he’ll recover,” Adeline said, trying to comfort her friend.
Grace felt herself breaking down all over again and once more her head found its way into her hands. Her eyes became streams of tears again and she heard and felt Adeline move over next to her and place a hand on her back.
“Grace, he’s going to be fine. Ye dinnae have to worry so much. I’m sure it was right terrifying, but he’s going to be okay and ye two will be fine. He can recover soon, I’m sure of it. Callum is strong,” Adeline encouraged.
“I dinnae want to be with Callum!” Grace shouted, unleashing all of her angst. She reared her body up and looked Adeline directly in the eyes.
“I ken that everyone wants us to be together, and of course I was terrified by what happened to him, but I am exhausted from pressuring meself to love a man that I dinnae care for! He’s a great man. But he isnae my man. And Adeline, it’s agony trying to push aside what I want and who I want to be with. Ye cannae imagine it,” she confessed.
“Grace, what do ye mean? Of course ye dinnae have to be with Callum, but what do ye mean about who ye want to be with?” Adeline asked with concern.
“I’m in love, Adeline. I feel so foolish to admit it, but there it is. I’m deep in love with a man that I cannae ever have. He’s not for me. He’s impossible for me to be with, but I’ve never wanted anything so badly,” Grace admitted.
She couldn’t believe she had used the word ‘love’. She couldn’t believe it was true. Yet it was. What she felt for Douglas had crossed that line. Saying goodbye to him had stirred up all the emotions she had tried to push aside, but this…
This was no emotion. This was no fleeting sensation or feeling that would come and go. It was a way of existence. It was a part of her. She could not just push this aside, nor could she accept it for a time with confidence that soon the pain would end.
Grace loved Douglas. Now she had told Adeline of her love for someone who would never be hers. In that moment, all of it became more real to her. Through her confession, the love she felt for Douglas was overpowering and overwhelming in a way she’d never imagined.
“Grace, please. Ye cannae think like that. Ye cannae think that it will never happen, that it’s impossible. Why would ye say that?” Adeline challenged.
“Dinnae be a fool, Adeline. Dinnae be like me. I ken it’s not possible. I’m telling ye that I can never have him, I can never be his and he’ll never be mine. It’s the truth of it, the pain of it, but there it is,” she said bitterly.
“Grace. Stop accusing me of foolishness,” Adeline said with a sudden sternness that Grace had never seen. The tense set of her jaw let Grace know that she was tired of being pushed around and Adeline meant to be heard.
Grace would listen.
“Ye say it’s love. I’ve never been in love, but I’ve seen it do wonders. I’ve seen miracles come of it. I’ve seen it overcome unbelievable things, Grace. And I am telling ye to stop being so pessimistic. Love is like water, Grace; it will always make its own way. It cannae be stopped. It is immovable, impassible,” Adeline said.
Grace nodded, looking her friend in the eye.
“Do ye believe that this man loves ye back?” she asked.
Grace was hesitant, but she could not deny what had been felt earlier in the day when they had parted. She nodde
d. “Aye, I believe he does,” she said.
“Good. Then it’ll make a way. Yer love will make a way. I dinnae care how hard. I dinnae care who he is. If ye love each other, it’s going to happen,” Adeline said with determination.
Grace felt a peace come to her heart from her friend’s words of consolation. She still could not imagine it to be true; she could not fathom that things might indeed happen or that things would work out. Yet the idea of it coming together was too tempting not to at least indulge in the thoughts.
“I may have spoken too soon,” Adeline said suddenly. Grace looked at her with fear and a hint of disappointment. Maybe Adeline wasn’t so supportive after all.
“He isnae married already, is he?” she asked, a smile coming to her face.
Grace began to laugh. It felt so good to laugh. Nevertheless, the question at least released some tension.
In addition, all in the same moment, tension flared back. Adeline had meant to make a joke, but Grace suddenly realized that she had no idea whether or not Douglas was married.
Here she had been concerned only with the fact that he was a Hanoverian, but truly, there was also a chance that he was a married Hanoverian and if that were the case, then surely her ideas of love finding a way were nonsense.
“Grace? I was only making a joke,” Adeline said, suddenly concerned that she had made everything worse and her friend would return to weeping.
“Aye, I ken. It’s just only now that I’ve realized I honestly dinnae ken whether or not he’s married. I mean, I dinnae think he is. He’s never mentioned a wife, but…” Grace said, trailing off.
“So I’ve only made things worse?” Adeline asked.
“No, dinnae think like that. Ye’ve only given me something more to find out for meself. If I ever see him again, that is. And honestly, there’s no telling if I will or not. He’s not exactly…from around here,” she said vaguely, not wanting to tell Adeline every last detail in case it caused her to retreat from her previous words of encouragement.
“I see. Well, then, I suppose ye had better ask him next time ye see him. In the meantime, what is it ye plan to do about Callum? Ye ken he wants to marry ye,” Adeline said.
Loving A Highland Enemy: Ladies of Dunmore Series (A Medieval Scottish Romance Story) Page 8