Free as a Bird

by Gina McMurchy-Barber

  When I was liddle I dint wake up angry — maybe on account of I got to go to the Woodlands school sometimes. That’s where we was sposed to learn bout numbers an ledders. I dint never learn to read — but I learned to spell my name an count a liddle. School had books too with nice pictures of places an people — but none like the people who lived in Woodlands. Nother thing I liked was when Teacher let us count beans into a jar an sort bolts from nuts an screws from nails. She said it was important work. I dint understand how come after we finished sorting Teacher’d take those things an mix em all up again an give that important work to somebody else to do.

  I liked school, but I dint get to go so much. Maybe on account of me not bein so smart … or maybe cause I was bad. Teacher use to complain to the uniforms, “There’s just too many of them.” Then I got bigger an dint go to school no more. That’s bout when the anger got inside me for good. I can’t esplain zackly, but sometimes after watchin beaudiful ladies an men on TV — an them eatin licious food, goin to parties an nice places — I’d start scratchin at myself. Yup, I jus wanted to hurt myself. I’d dig my fingernails into my skin, gougin an scratchin an twistin my hands till they was bleedin an sore — yup, awful sore. Uniforms said I did that cause I was bad. Maybe they was right bout that, but one thing’s for sure — with fingers all sticky from blood an hands hurtin — the anger inside me got bigger. Uniforms dint understand bout me bein all hot inside. I spose times like that it was best nobody come near me — yup, best to jus stay away. But them uniforms dint knowed that — an if they started bosin me … phew, I’d scream an scratch — an like Gramma said — I’d try like the devil to bite em. On days when I was bein really bad Millie or Bernice would yell for the Boys to come take care of me.

  “I’m sick and tired of your crap, Ruby Jean!” Millie yelled one time when I was bein specially bad. I opened my mouth like a tiger an showed her my sharp teeth. “If you keep that up we’re going to have the dentist yank your teeth out.” I knowed it could happen cause Donald use to be a biter too an then he got his teeth pulled out — yup, every single one of em. After that the only time he had teeth was on vizzidin days when Nurse took em oudda the jar an put em in his mouth.

  “I can hardly wait till I’m retired. Going to get my pension and get the hell out of this place — Lord knows I deserve it!” Millie screeched. Millie was mad that day, but I was awful mad too. I thought maybe I’d feel better if I could jus sink my teeth into her arm. It wouldn’t be long fore the Boys came runnin down the hall so I took my chance an pounced on her. But I was too late. The Boys came through the door an throwed me on the floor. I tried to kick an bite em, but they had my arms twisted hind my back. It hurt a lot, but that dint stop me from bein mad — nope, jus made it worse.

  “What is it with you today, Ruby Jean? Sometimes you sit like a vegetable, not talking, not doing a thing — now that I can take. But days like this, when all of a sudden you go nuts and start biting … well, I won’t put up with it.” Then she slapped me hard. “Take care of her, boys.”

  Sometimes when kids went berserk the uniforms tied em to their beds or put em in the bad kid room by themselves an left em there for a long time. But that’s not what happened to me that day. Nope, that day somebody stabbed my arm an all of a sudden I felt sleepy — yup, so, so sleepy. Couldn’t do nothin after that, next day neither.

  Not all the uniforms was like Millie or the Boys. Sometimes we had priddy girls who came to the ward. I liked Rosemary lots … she brought a guitar an sang. I never bit Rosemary — nope, not a’tall. There was others too, but the good ones never stayed for long — like Marjorie.

  One day Marjorie saw Peter slap me in the face. He slapped me cause I had a bad accident. Sometimes kids messed their pants to get the uniforms mad or jus to get some attention. But that day I dint mean to do it — nope, it was a real accident. I’d been waitin for everybody to get oudda the toilet room, but there was so many of em an they took so long. I jus couldn’t hold it no more. I was even sorry I done it — til Peter slapped me an said, “You’re a filthy girl.”

  That’s when Marjorie came in an told him, “Stop hitting Ruby Jean.”

  “She’s got to be punished — she deliberately crapped in her pants!” Peter yelled. I wanted to tell Marjorie it was an accident but she said it dint matter what I done. She said there was nothin I could do that’d make it okay for Peter to hit me. She told Peter she was gunna report him — yup, that’s what she said. I guess Peter was fraid, cause he stopped hittin me. But I dint never see Marjorie again after that day. I heard Millie tellin some other uniforms she got sent to the laundry department for bein a big mouth. So that’s why Marjorie had to go an how come Peter had to stay.

  I missed Marjorie. She use to pet my hair an tell me I was a good girl. Wished she dint have to go away.

  There was lots bout us Woodlands kids that was the same — yup, like we all had messy hair, wore clothes that was too big or too small an most dint smell so good. Some kids had eyes like little almonds, ears like a Misser Potato Head, an fat tongues — some of em tongues was so fat they wouldn’t stay inside their mouths. Then there was the kids who was so tired an slow they dint knowed there was drool runnin down their chins or snot drippin from their noses. Some of em had their arms tied round their selves all day long an rocked like wooden horses.

  Then there was the ones who dint look like retards a’tall — nope, cept for the messy hair an the smell. There was the dangerus ones too. Uniforms said I was a dangerus one. Danny was too — cept he was only dangerus to hisself. He bit hisself sometimes, but a real bad thing he did was eatin cigrette butts. The Boys tried to stop him, but Danny was too fast — yup, on account of he could spot em cigrette butts far off an would be gettin ready. Sometimes he even snatched em from people while they was still smokin. Danny got lots of attention for eatin cigrettes — yup, lots more than when he dint.

  Some people figured Woodlands School was the place the prime minister king man hid all of God’s mistakes so others dint have to look at em. Maybe that’s true. But I think us kids wasn’t the only ones who was broken in that place — nope, some of em uniforms was awful broke too. I could tell cause they dint never look happy … dint smile … dint talk nice — not even to each other. Wondered if that’s cause they dint like bein in Woodlands neither. Spose that’s why it was a good thing they had families an places to go home to every night.

  Summer was the best time of the year if ya had to live in Woodlands. That’s cause we got to walk outside lots more an it was awful good feelin the sun shinin on me an the wind blowin my hair. An walkin those same paths year after year I got so’s I knowed every tree an bush. They was all growin bigger — jus like me.

  Sometimes we walked hind Willow Clinic where there was a nice, sunny park. My friend, Norval, told me it dint always use to be a park — nope, he said it use to be a place for the dead to get buried, a cemetery. His buddy, Willy Bennett, died long time ago an was buried there. Norval said he was sad for a long time after Willy died — yup, on account of he missed him a awful lot. Sometimes he got to vizzid the place they put him in the ground. But then Norval got sad all over gain when workermen came one day an dug up all those headstones with the dead people’s names an took em away.

  “After that I couldn’t find Willie no more,” Norval esplained to me. “Can’t say for sure why those people took the headstones away. Maybe because of them sick people in the new hospital — guess they didn’t wanna look out the window and see a sad old graveyard.”

  Nother thing Norval told me was how them workermen used them headstones for buildin a new sidewalk an for makin the uniforms a barbecue patio. “Maybe staff has to work real hard and need a place to relax,” Norval said. “But I sure don’t like Willy’s name being covered in charcoals and barbecue sauce. No sirree.”

  Nothin Norval could do bout it — nobody cared what he thought.

  One day Bernice took some of us outside to sit on the grass. There was some vizzidors walkin by �
� men in suits an ladies wearin lipstick. They smiled when they passed us. I heard some of what they was sayin.

  “Dear God, this place is like a prison. And to think … their crime was being born with learning disabilities,” said one guy.

  Then the other man said, “It’s crazy … some are here just because they can’t walk, or have behaviour problems.”

  There was one lady who was kinda short — like me. She was all red in the face an sounded awful cross. “For too long disabled children have been left in places like this as though they were merely broken dolls to be tossed out with the garbage — and it’s time it stopped.”

  I dint understand everythin they was sayin — I guess on account of me not bein so smart. Bernice must’ve understood, cause she said, “Fools!”

  chapter 2

  On good days the uniforms took us kids out to wander round the front garden — from there we could see the boats goin up an down the river an watch the trains screech an grind along the tracks. They’d sit on the bench smokin cigrettes an drinkin coffee, an leavin us be.

  Bess part bout bein outside was the big sky an feelin the sun all over me like a warm blanket. Gramma use to have a sayin for times like that. She’d say she felt “free as a bird.”

  I liked birds. Maybe cause like Gramma said — they was free. But I think it was cause they was interestin an whenever I could I’d watch the birds round Woodlands. We had big ones with long necks that’d fly over us an sounded like a bunch of cars honkin in a traffic jam. Then there was the seagulls — they was the ones who’d say squawk squawk squawk an then poop on the windows. We had liddle ones too — cept they dint hardly ever sit still long enough to get a good look at.

  The birds I liked best were the black ones — the crows. Yup, cause they sure was awful smart … for birds. One day after it rained we went out in the yard. I stood still as a statue, watchin some of em. They mus have awful good eyes — cause they always knowed where to find the worms.

  I watched one big ole crow — Mister Crow I called him — yank a long worm from outta the grass. Then he hopped over to a puddle with it — I guess so’s he could wash off the dirt. I knowed that’s what I’d do if I caught a worm — that’s cause I dint like dirt on my food neither. That Mister Crow dint hop so good cause he had one foot all curled into a liddle ball. Then jus when he was bout to gobble that wrigglin worm a bunch of other crows came swoopin down on him. They started to peck and hit Mister Crow with their wings an screeched at him. When they finally flew away he was lyin crumpled on the ground.

  I was sad cause I thought poor Mister Crow was dead. But after a bit he lifted his head an got up on his feet. He stood lookin round for a liddle while. Then he flapped his wings an hopped on that one leg of his over to the grass an began huntin for nother worm — yup, jus like nothin happened. When he got a good one, hehopped over to the puddle again. An jus like before, a bunch of em other crows flew down an beat him an took his worm. He layed there still as can be till they was all gone, then got up an went off huntin again. Yup, that happened over an over. Made me think it’s not jus humans who got retards — crows had em too.

  Finally, Mister Crow got hisself the biggest worm ever. But that last time he dint take it to the puddle. Nope, he jus gobbled that dirty ole worm right there on the spot. Then after a lotta wing flappin, he flew off oudda sight.

  I wondered bout that ole crow for a long time — yup. An wondered why em other ones hit him an stole from him like that. Musta been lots of other worms round for them to eat. An nother thing — after bein beaten an stole from why’d Mister Crow keep tryin? Why dint he never give up?

  A few days after a new kid came to live at Ward 33. I watched him comin down the steps into the garden holdin some lady’s hand — maybe she was his momma. He had black hair — yup, black as Mister Crow. An a nother thing — he limped. That was on account of one leg was shorder than the other. That’s what made me think maybe he was Mister Crow come back pretendin to be a boy.

  He was havin one of those snifflin cries. But he stopped priddy quick when he saw us kids in the yard. He came over to us an had a good look. Then he smiled right at me. I dint smile back on account of me knowin that soon he was gunna be very sad. But for the time bein he looked real inerested in everythin round him — yup, made me member the first time I came to Woodlands.

  His name was Jimmy. We already had a Jimmy on Ward 33. So the uniforms called him Jimmie T an the other kid got called Jimmy P — maybe on account of he sure peed hisself a lot.

  The uniforms talked to the lady while Jimmy T was busy lookin round. She wiped her eyes a lot an then after a liddle bit opened her arms an Jimmy T ran for a hug. They was both cryin somethin terrible. Jimmy T tried to follow her out the gate, but the uniform’s put their hands on his shoulder an wouldn’t let him go.

  An jus like I thought, there was a lotta cryin an screamin that day — an it only got worse an worse. That Jimmy T was priddy strong for a liddle kid — yup, lot stronger than me. After a while they threw him in the bad kid room. Us other ones listened all night while he kicked at the door an walls.

  Then Morris said, “Get the Boys up here to shut this kid up.” After that there was a liddle more ruckus — but suddenly everythin went quiet. Dunno why — but I cried after that.

  We dint see Jimmy T the nex day, or the day after that neither. When he finally came in I hardly knowed it was him. No more nice boy clothes — nope, not a’tall. Instead he wore a baggy shirt that was long as his knees an big pants that bulged from the diaper he was wearin. His black hair was messy — jus like the rest of us — an his eyes was red an puffy. I knowed it was Jimmy T standin there — only it wasn’t the same one no more. Nope, jus nother kid nobody wanted.

  Nobody noticed him comin in the day room cept me — that’s on account of em other ones was bein sleepy heads. Yup, the ones who liked to rock was rockin back an forth, back an forth. Some of the other ones was jus starin out the barred windows. An the ones who liked to watch Days of Our Lives on TV was havin a commercial break by their sponsors. “Tide Detergent: Look how it removes those unwanted stains and leaves everything smelling like spring.”

  Jimmy T came an sat down right nex to me. I dint look at him cause I was fraid of his sadness gettin inside of me. I knowed it was a long time ago that I was eight, but I still membered feelin that way — where yer good thoughts start slipin away an you can hardly member if you was ever happy. Me an Jimmy T sat side by side for a long time. Yup, sat together till the uniform came to check on him.

  “How’s it going Jimmy T?” said Uniform Roy. “Just give yourself time, little buddy. You’ll get used to the place.” I wondered how much time Jimmy T was gunna need, cause I’d been round for a long while an I still wasn’t use to the place. The uniform patted him on the head an said, “You should come and meet some of the other little guys, Jimmy.” He meant the ones who was huddled on the floor together, suckin their thumbs an wearin diapers. Gramma taught me how to use a toilet when I was liddle. But after Mom an Harold left me in Woodlands the uniforms made me wear diapers too. That’s cause it’s hard not to mess yerself when yer jus liddle … an lonely … an scared all the time.

  After a few days Jimmy T got back some of his old self. An priddy soon he was kickin an bittin an messin in his pants jus like the rest of us. Only he was better at gettin those uniforms mad — yup, that’s cause he was more like fireworks esplodin in the sky. But if he made too much trouble the uniforms called the Boys on him. Guess that’s why he hardly got to go outside with the rest of us kids.

  There was one time when Jimmy T did get to go outside with us. It was the day some kids went by — not kids like us — jus reglar ones. They was walkin by at the end of the garden. We could only see their heads on account of the stone-an-meddal wall bein so high. They was lookin at us an we was lookin at them. A couple of em ran away when some of us starded to walk over to em — maybe cause they was scared. But there was this one kid — he wasn’t scared. Nope, not a’tal
l. He crawled up on the fence so’s we could see him real good.

  “Watch this,” he said to his friends an then he put his thumbs in his ears an wagged his hands. “Hey, you bunch of flat-faced cauliflower ears — listen up.

  Two, four, six, eight,

  Keep the retards behind the gate.

  Watch them shuffle, burp and fart,

  Making smells right off the chart.

  Crazy, dirty, stinking bunch,

  Makes me want to lose my lunch.”

  Then the boy started laughin so hard he fell right off the wall. Some of us was laughin too cause he was priddy funny. Cept Jimmy T dint think so. Maybe cause he dint like bein called cauliflower ears. He was bout to run down to the bottom of the garden when a uniform yanked him by the shirt an put him in a headlock.

  The other uniform yelled at them kids, “Get out of here before I come down there and knock your block off.”

  They all ran off, laughin an screechin like a bunch of old crows. I watched till their heads turned into liddle dots. When Jimmy T couldn’t stop bein mad the uniforms had to drag him inside. Poor Jimmy T — he dint knowed lotsa people passed by like that jus so’s they could stare an call us names. Can’t say why they did that — they jus did.

  One time I heard the uniforms callin Jimmy T a nutso. Maybe he was a crazy liddle boy, but I liked him that way. Yup, liked him a awful lot. An sides he made things interestin round Ward 33. If it weren’t for him I wouldn’t have had nothin else to do cept watch Maggie slap Lilly for kissin her boyfriend, Dr. Hughes, on As the World Turns. Nurse Millie said Woodlands’ doctors dint never get priddy ladies tryin to kiss em cause they was all “a bunch of old balding war horses — wouldn’t even make good dog food.” Yup, that’s what she’d say.