by Louisa Reid
‘You look like you’re going to be sick, Aud,’ he said. ‘Are you?’
‘No,’ I shouted, squealing and chasing him inside. ‘No, I’m not.’
Peter darted ahead of me and we made for the kitchen.
‘How about the fair, Pete? Shall we go?’ I called, rummaging in the fridge for something to eat. I gave him a piece of cheese, then found some crackers in the cupboard. Peter’s eyes widened as he nodded and chewed and I picked up my medication. Mum had left it out on the worktop, with a big note saying, DON’T FORGET!
‘Really? Can we?’ he said, pulling at my sleeve.
‘Yup.’ I popped the pill out of the foil. Held it in my hand. ‘I’m going to have to try and find some money though. Help me look.’
Peter ran off and I stuffed the pill into the bin, grabbed a glass, filled it with water and sipped a little, left it by the note, just in case.
We went through the pockets in Mum’s old jacket, searched the bottom of her bag. Scraped together almost seven pounds. Peter emptied his money box and that gave us another fifty pence in coppers.
‘Great. We’ll get a hot dog each, maybe candy-floss too, and go on some rides and meet Leo. OK?’ It came out in a big rush. We danced about a bit, holding hands. I swung him up and off his feet.
‘Come on, then,’ Peter said when I put him down, dragging me out, pulling me along, and even though I knew we shouldn’t do it we left the Grange behind and jumped back into the world.
The field beyond the school flashed with noise. In the dark faces blinked neon, Halloween pumpkins, their skin too bright, back-lit. I didn’t recognize anyone from school – no sign of Lizzy and her gang – or Jen either, but I held Peter’s hand tight as we wound our way through the crowds of candy-floss, cherry-red sugar dummies, cheap teddies, yellow floating ducks. It would be easy to lose him here. The thought made my stomach drop and I squeezed harder.
‘Ow,’ Peter said, wriggling away. For a second I let go, too busy scanning the rides for Leo. He wouldn’t come. He’d been taking the piss.
‘C’mon, Aud,’ called Peter, dragging at my arm. ‘C’mon, I want to go on the waltzers. With you.’
Peter towed me into the crowd and we weaved through the swarm of kids and grown-ups, then clambered on to the ride, the metal steps ringing.
‘Hey!’ A shout. I startled, nearly jumped off again when Leo climbed in beside me.
‘Found you.’ He paid for the ride and I stuffed my money back in my purse as the seat juddered, then began to move. I held tight and a boy, face silly with freckles, hair frothing on his upper lip, grabbed our carriage, swung it round and we were spinning faster, out of control, into the swirling darkness, the techno beat pounding, pushing, pulsing in time with screams. Mine too. I screamed for the future, for the hopes that I didn’t dare let out. I screamed because there was no one to stop me, no one watching, no one who cared.
Leo slid along the seat, crushing against me. ‘Sorry,’ he gasped, and I laughed, sandwiched between him and Peter, who was almost crazy with excitement, shouting at someone he recognized from school, waving, hands free.
‘Hold on!’ I yelled, screwing my eyes shut. We spun again: wild, jerking. When I opened my eyes the world was upside down.
Stop, I wanted to shout, although what I meant was, Don’t stop ever, as we turned in faster circles, drilling into the sky, up and away, in a spin that was scary and loose, slipping because there was nothing to hold on to any more, flying stars in another Milky Way.
The ride groaned to an end and we tumbled back to solid ground. Leo held me up, dizzy, still spinning. My legs jelly. All this touching. In one night.
The things I said to Leo, like, ‘I think I’m going to puke.’ Which was not the thing to say to a boy like him.
And him not minding, holding my hair away from my face.
‘Take deep breaths. It’ll be all right.’
I took in lungfuls of air that smelled of grease and sugar but mostly excitement, and we stood not saying anything much when Peter disappeared into the crowds, and then we were weaving behind, holding hands somehow; how did that happen? I didn’t know.
‘Look,’ Leo said, pulling me to the left, towards a stall. ‘I love this. Bows and arrows. Let’s win something.’
‘All right.’
Half an eye on Peter queuing for the helter-skelter, I took the plastic bow and handed over my money. Lining up the arrow, I took aim. Leo was ready.
‘After three,’ he said, and counted us down. We released our shots. Mine hit home.
‘Yes! I won,’ I cried, stupidly excited, not caring. ‘Look, see – it hit the bullseye. Yes!’
‘I expected nothing less.’ Leo was laughing too. ‘Choose your prize. I’m having another go.’
I picked out a teddy bear, saggy, without enough stuffing, nothing like the plump and fluffy things that lined the shelves in my room. I used to love those bears. Then I started hating them and I didn’t know why. This one looked sad, but sort of winsome with its forlorn, grey expression.
‘Here.’ I handed it to Leo, not thinking, just wanting to give him something, even if it was only this. ‘You can have it.’
‘What? No, you won it – it’s yours. You shoot a mean arrow.’
‘Don’t you want it? Look, it’s cute. And sad now you don’t want him.’ The bear waved at him and wiped away an imaginary tear.
‘Well, yeah, all right. Thanks.’ He took it, smiling, inspecting the silly toy. ‘I guess I’ll have to think of something to call him.’
‘Sad Sack,’ I said, pulling a face. Leo chucked it in the air, caught it.
‘He’s not sad now, not now we’ve rescued him from the fair.’
‘True.’ There was a pause. I put my hands in my pockets. ‘Where’s Peter?’
Leo pointed; he was whizzing down the helter-skelter and we wandered over and grabbed him at the end.
‘Can I go again? Can I, Aud?’
His hair was all over the place, his cheeks pink. I pulled him close, kissed his face, but he struggled free, wiping at his skin; he was desperate to be off. I held on to him as he wriggled and grumbled.
‘It’s all right – I’ll take him,’ said Leo, handing over another pound coin and chasing Peter up the metal steps.
I don’t know how they balanced on the little hessian mat. Leo was way too big, but somehow he managed it, Peter safe on his knee, and they came whizzing down, whooping together. Peter stared up at Leo with a look I’d not seen in his eyes before. Awe, I thought, hero worship. Mum had a photo of me looking up at my dad with just the same expression. I swallowed down the lump in my throat.
‘That was a laugh. What now?’ Leo said, coming over and slinging his arm round me, perfectly casual, so casual that I didn’t freeze. Well, not exactly. I must have been squeezing Peter’s hand though.
‘What’s the matter, Aud?’ Peter said, peering at me and pulling away.
‘Nothing,’ I whispered, still hiding behind my hair, ‘nothing.’
‘Ghost train?’ Leo said, saving me.
‘Yeah.’ Peter jumped up and down, dropping my hand to hold Leo’s and I let myself be dragged on to the ride.
Lizzy was a couple of places behind us in the queue. I pretended not to notice her when she hollered, ‘Hey, Leo!’ So loud he had to turn and look at her, but he just nodded and then we clambered into a car and were off, jolting into the dark. Peter jumped against me as a skeleton dropped into our path and I squeezed him closer.
‘Pete, it’s pretend. It’s fine.’ I could hear Lizzy screaming too and that made me grin. She should try living in the Grange if she wanted to know about scary. Leo took my hand again and we held Peter between us.
‘That was fun,’ I said. ‘Thanks.’ We climbed off, still laughing, jelly legs.
‘More?’
‘No, we should go.’
‘Seriously, it’s early,’ Leo said, scanning the field. ‘I’ll buy you more candy-floss?’
‘No, we really should
go,’ I said, not wanting to, wondering if he’d take us back to the farm if I asked. The flat would be dark and cold. No way was I going to sleep on my own in my room. Peter wouldn’t mind if I crawled in with him. We stood for a bit. I looked at Leo again. He was tall and broad and looked warm and clean, his cheeks bright from the cold, his hair a bit tousled. He suited messy. The thing about Leo was, he made you feel safe. He made you feel OK about things. Peter felt it too.
‘Sorry,’ I said to Leo. ‘Mum’ll be worried.’ He opened his mouth to answer, but I gabbled on, like someone had flicked a switch and all the words I’d never meant to say were fighting with one another to be heard: ‘But, well, this was good, you know, so thanks for inviting us and everything. It’s been fun. Really.’
‘Good. I’m glad you came,’ Leo said.
‘Yeah, well, I was going to ask you –’
‘What?’
‘Well, I have this essay; it’s about that Jane Eyre book. And, I kind of didn’t go to school that much last year, not really, because I wasn’t that well, and now I want to do the essay but I got stuck. I did try, and then I thought, would you help me? Give me a couple of pointers?’ Hot coals in my cheeks, my eyes thick and stupid, I toed the earth with my shoe, grinding a hole which I hoped might swallow me up if he said no. I hadn’t planned on saying any of it, but I really did want to do well. And I wanted to see him again. Soon. He jumped on my words, speaking fast too.
‘No, seriously, that’d be fine, cool. Tomorrow? I’ll come over?’
I nodded and grabbed Peter’s hand and ran, excited now for the next day, for what would happen and for the night I’d had and how I had another friend and everything was getting better at last.
Leo
Audrey disappeared too fast for him to stop her, and then he didn’t want to follow in case she thought he was some sort of stalker. He’d thought she’d stay out longer; it was only nine, and things were only just revving up. Then again, he’d see her tomorrow, he thought, as he wandered around for a while on his own, carrying the teddy by its arm, wondering if he should dump it. In the end he couldn’t do it. A group of kids from school huddled in a group by the ghost train and called out to him to join them, but it wasn’t fun any more. Especially not when Lizzy caught up with him.
‘Saw you before,’ she said.
‘Yeah?’ Leo walked on.
‘With Mental.’ Lizzy opened her mouth round the candy-floss, twirled her tongue into the sugar.
‘What?’
‘You with that new girl. What are you doing hanging around with her?’ She waited, and when he didn’t respond, taunted again, ‘She’s mental. Didn’t you hear what she did in Maths? She passed out, just like flat out on the desk and no one could wake her up. There was dribble all over. It was disgusting. She’s rank. Really manky.’
‘Oh, whatever, Lizzy. Just forget it, right?’ There’d been one party, last summer – Leo remembered now – and Lizzy had been drunk. So had he. She’d sat on his knee, her hands worming on his thighs. He should have pushed her away. Big mistake.
Lizzy was grinning, her eyes small and hard, and although Leo had never sworn at a girl he felt like it then.
‘You know what,’ Lizzy shouted after him as Leo strode away, ‘I’ll find out the full story for you. Then you’ll thank me.’
He walked faster, didn’t look back, didn’t listen, left the field and went to meet Sue, who’d been visiting a friend in town and would give him a ride back.
‘Good night?’ she said, starting the car. He fiddled with the radio, tuning out of Radio 4, looking for something loud to stop him thinking.
‘Leo?’
‘Yeah, I guess so. Audrey didn’t hang around long. I got bored after that.’ Got harassed after that. Lizzy, what a cow. What a mean-hearted, cruel creature. She was so spiteful. Why did girls get like that? It was so pointless and boring.
‘Well, I suppose if she had her brother with her she had to get him home. He’s only little.’
‘True. Yeah.’ It was a good point. It could explain why she’d dashed away. He should have walked them home.
‘I shouldn’t worry if I were you.’
‘OK. I won’t worry.’ He glanced up at his aunt and half smiled.
‘It’s sweet though.’ She squeezed his hand, just once, quickly, and winked.
‘Stop it. We’re just friends. I’m going over there tomorrow, to help Aud with some homework, OK?’ He’d sensed something wild in Audrey tonight, a spirit she kept tamped down, and Leo wanted more of that. His old life had shown him enough straight and boring to last him forever: a book full of straight ruled lines covered in uniform script, the answers perfectly performed, grammatically correct. But then, without warning, pages and pages of scribble. Black and hard and gouging through it all. Until this: like a poem, the words had begun to shine. Leo rubbed his forehead, squeezed his eyes shut, then opened them again and stared straight ahead, impatient to be home, impatient to be asleep so tomorrow could start.
‘Sure. Good,’ Sue said. ‘She’s a nice girl. Pretty too. Lovely, actually, although I agree – not your usual type. Not like those glamorous creatures I’ve seen in your photos on Facebook.’ Sue raised her eyebrows. Glamour wasn’t her scene.
‘Who says they’re my type? They’re just girls, Sue. Old friends. Who I don’t even keep in touch with any more.’
‘Just suggesting. Anyway, Audrey seems very sweet-natured. If anything, she’ll be a good friend.’
Leo nodded. It was true, he liked her. A lot.
‘I think she’s …’ He searched for a word he could use with Sue, settled on something objective, that didn’t make him sound too serious, too involved. ‘She’s kind of enigmatic.’
Sue chuckled. ‘Aha. Enigmatic.’
‘What?’ Leo shrugged his shoulders, his arms wide, empty. ‘You know, you could read a subtext into anything, Sue.’ He put his hands in his hair, then rubbed them furiously over his face.
‘Leo, calm down. You know I’m just teasing. I’m glad you’ve found someone you like. I was beginning to worry.’
He nodded. Sue was deep, deeper than their banter suggested. And discreet. She’d had her own problems – life events, she called them now, which didn’t do justice to her story at all. He liked how she could be so pragmatic though, and took a deep breath, fixed his thoughts on the morning, wiping out the bits of the night Lizzy had spoiled.
Audrey
‘Where’ve you been?’ Mum said. Her breath came in short sharp bursts as she stood in the hall, illuminated, the lights burning so bright they hurt my eyes. I squinted up at her.
‘Just out, sorry – it’s OK, we’re here now.’ I tried to hustle Peter past her and up to his room. It was way past his bedtime and I knew he’d be tired in the morning. ‘Sorry,’ I said again.
‘You don’t just go out, Aud. You know better than that.’ Mum grabbed my jacket, reeling me in.
‘Well, you weren’t here to ask, were you?’ I bit my lip. That had come out wrong. Peter went ahead and I gestured that he should go and clean his teeth.
‘Because I was at work earning money, which you’ve just been out throwing down the drain. Who’ve you been with?’
‘No one. We went to the fair. I’m sorry, all right?’
‘No, Audrey, it isn’t. I’ve been going spare. What if something had happened?’
‘What do you want me to say?’ I asked, turning back to look at her. Mum stepped forward and gripped my wrist with her left hand and poured whatever she’d been holding in her right into my palm.
‘What’s this?’ she said.
It was my pills. She’d found the ones in the bin, the ones down the side of the sofa. The ones under my mattress. I swallowed and didn’t dare look at her. I should have chucked them somewhere else, somewhere she’d never have found them. Into the moat, that would have been better. Under the water.
‘Audrey –’ she was shaking her head – ‘do you realize what you’re doing? Do you realize how stup
id you’re being?’ Her voice got panicky, tighter and tighter. ‘If you don’t take your pills, you’ll get very poorly, Aud.’
‘I won’t. I have been taking them. I have. Just … just not all of them, Mum,’ I said, trying not to cry, a throb beginning to beat between my ears, like your heart underwater, swollen and heavy. ‘They make me feel worse.’
Mum pulled me to her and held me so tight I almost couldn’t breathe. The pounding grew louder, pulsing in my brain, until, with my hands over my ears it was all I could hear.
Leo
The next morning Lorraine answered the door, a bright smile on her face. He stepped inside. The flat smelled better than before. She’d been hanging pictures, had a hammer in her hand, nails. A gust of air blew past and he heard a door slam somewhere.
‘Oh, hello, it’s Leo, isn’t it?’ Lorraine said, and Leo smiled back, shifting from one foot to another, then standing up straight, shoulders back.
‘Yeah, hi. I’m here to see Audrey. Homework?’ He gestured at his books. He’d brought them all, as if that proved it was his only motivation.
‘Oh. Oh, I’m sorry.’ Lorraine pulled a face, sympathetic, a bit sad. ‘Audrey’s not well this morning. Stupid girl’s not been taking her meds and got herself in a state. She gets bad sometimes, you know. So, she was up all night and so was I, sitting with her. I’ll have to take her to the doctor later, I reckon – she won’t be up for homework, Leo. Not today.’
It was a lot of information all at once. Audrey had seemed fine to him at the fair though. Better than fine: lovely, like Sue said. He felt his heart, pierced a little with last night and now the disappointment of not seeing her. Leo followed Lorraine, trying to catch everything. She bustled into the kitchen, put down the tools and grabbed the kettle.
‘Do you want a drink? Something to eat? Peter’s watching a DVD. You can sit with him if you like, or stay and chat to me.’ She looked at him, slowly, waiting, her hands stuffed into the tight pockets in her jeans. When he didn’t answer she gabbled on: ‘I’ll understand if you’re busy. I’ve had to take the day off work myself to stay home and look after Aud.’