Shattered Dreams

by Brenda Kennedy

  “No, Danny, he hasn’t said that. Do you think that is bombing?”

  “Emma, I don’t know.”

  Max comes into view and I rush to tell him I love him and how much I miss him. He smiles and I can see the dark circles around his eyes. His mother sobs and I know she sees them, too.

  Max says, “Emma, I love you and James so much. If you need anything, you call Sgt. Majors or my Dad. They both will help you.”

  I nod because I can’t speak. The image comes in and out before the computer screen finally goes blank like it did last week. I stand there and pray it comes back on, although I know it won’t. James begins to fuss, and I go upstairs to change him. I am grateful for the small amount of alone time I have. I love seeing Max, but it takes a toll on me seeing him like that.

  I hear his mother walking up the stairs and shutting the bathroom door behind her. I hear muffled cries and I have to fight my own tears. My nose tingles, and I have to rub it to make it stop. I look over at James and he smiles at me. My son knows who I am and it’s the only joy I have right now. I change James and put him into his pajamas before heading back downstairs. Expecting to see Danny, I am surprised to find the downstairs empty. I lay a small blanket out on the floor and sit James in between my legs. I turn my phone on so Max can read his son a bedtime story. We have done this every night since I first found the recorded bedtime story that Max had recorded. I hold the book and point to the words as Max reads them. I am certain James’ favorite book will be Richard Scarry’s, Please and Thank You Book. I make sure Max reads it to James every night before bed.

  Once the story is over, I hear “Aww” behind me. I turn around. Max’s parents are standing there watching.

  “Oh, Emma.” They are the only words his mother says.

  I smile. “I can’t take the credit — Max did this when I was asleep. Max and I get to read James a bedtime story together every night.”

  “Max did this on his own?” Danny asks.

  “He did. I found it a couple days after he left.”

  “Danny did the same thing for Max when he was in the service,” Cheryl cries. “Of course, it wasn’t on a cell phone; it was on a voice cassette.”

  I hold a sleeping James close to me and kiss his small forehead. “Did Danny leave one for you, too?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

  “He did, mine was instructions about what to do if I needed anything,” Cheryl says.

  “Mine was, too,” I smile.

  Danny removes his phone from his pocket and excuses himself. He doesn’t wait for us to say anything before he heads outside.

  “I didn’t hear his phone ring,” I say, standing with James so I can put him to bed.

  “It must have been on silent. I didn’t hear it either.”

  I walk over to her so she can kiss James good night. “Are you all right? I heard you in the restroom earlier.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for anyone to hear that. As you can imagine, it’s very difficult seeing your son like that. I know Danny won’t admit that he is scared, but I’m scared. I just want my son home where he should be. Safe in his own home.”

  “Cheryl, please don’t be sorry. I’m scared and Brooke is scared, too. Six more months and it won’t come fast enough, if you ask me.” I reposition James in my arms, “All we can do is pray. Good night and I’ll see you in the morning. I’ll turn the covers down for you and Danny.”

  “Good night and sweet dreams. Please don’t fuss over those blankets. I’ll do it when we go to bed. Thank you, Emma, for listening to me. I didn’t mean to dump all my worries on you.”

  I start to walk towards the stairs. “You didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know. Good night, and please tell Danny good night for me.”

  I speak to Brooke only a couple of times during the week. She didn’t get good reception when she spoke to Brice the other day either. Her parents are leaving tomorrow, and she says that she’s relieved. Danny and Cheryl are supposed to leave in a few days, but Danny asked me if they could stay a few extra days. He said he wanted to talk to Max again before leaving. I can understand that, and I don’t have a problem with them staying. James loves having them here, and they are a huge help. I actually get to soak in a bubble bath when they are here.

  The mail comes and brings a mailbox full of mail. I laugh when I reach in and pull out all the envelopes with the flag border indicating U.S. Mail. It takes both of my hands to hold all the letters from Max. I carefully walk inside the house and toss everything on the foyer table. I look through the letters and some are addressed to Mr. James, Sir James, and Soldier James. I laugh. All of mine are addressed to Mrs. Max Greyson.

  I remove my coat and shoes and carry all the letters to the couch. Cheryl and Danny are taking James for a walk. It’s still cool outside, but it is finally warming up.

  I sort through the letters and I suddenly feel hope. Half of the letters are for me, some are for James, and a few letters are for Cheryl and Danny. I lay their letters off to the side and look over the letters addressed to James before opening a letter for me.

  I open a letter to me and tears immediately fill my eyes and blur my vision. My nose tingles and I rub it with my hands to try to get it to stop. I haven’t even read the letter, but I know it’ll make me cry. I tilt my head back and will the tears to stop. I begin to read.

  Emma, I hope you and James are holding up. I feel terrible for leaving you so soon after the birth of our son. I was hoping for more time with him and with you. I am forever grateful for the time I did have. I am also grateful for the once-a-week Skype time we have; although the reception is poor, it is far better than nothing at all. Please know how much I love you, and him. You both are my world, and there isn’t anything that I wouldn’t do for either of you.

  The Middle East is everything I thought it would be: hot and sandy. Nothing much is going on so we play cards and write letters in our spare time. The only saving grace is my platoon and the fact that my buddies and I are here together. It’s good to know they have my back and I have theirs.

  If you need anything, call Sgt. Chad Majors or my dad. When I get home, I plan to make up for the time I spent away from you and our son. Em, I love you always and forever and I will be back soon. Max.

  I hear the front door open and James squeal. I wipe the tears from my eyes and stand to greet them. I already know that my face is blotchy and my nose is red. Some days I hate being a blond, fair-skinned girl.

  “Emma, what’s wrong?” Cheryl says in a panicked voice.

  I hate that she scares so easily since Max is deployed. I put on a smile and look at the stack of letters from Max lying on the coffee table. “Max wrote a month’s worth of letters and they just came today. I put yours and Danny’s off to the side.”

  “Oh, thank God,” she says, taking James out of the stroller.

  I walk the short distance over to her and take James from her. “And daddy wrote you, too,” I say in the baby’s voice I use on a regular basis.

  “I’m glad they were able to get their letters mailed out,” Danny says, while folding the stroller up and putting it into the coat closet. He smiles at me and walks over to retrieve his letters from the coffee table. “I’ll be right back,” he says as he walks outside with his letters in hand.

  I have to smile because that is the same thing Max would say. Max always said, “I’ll be right back,” whenever he left. I watch as Cheryl also picks up her letters and heads to the dining room table to read them. I sit James on my lap and remove his coat and hat. He looks at me and smiles. “You want me to read one of your letters from daddy?”

  I reach over and pick one up from the top of his pile.

  James, I would move heaven and earth if I could just be with you. Unfortunately, things happen and we must be apart. I love you and miss you to heaven and back. I work hard every day so I can see you for 15 minutes each week. Your smiles and coos keep me going to the next week. Every week that passes is one more week closer I am to b
eing with you and your mother again. Son, I love you, always and forever, Daddy.

  I decide I can’t read another letter from Max right now, although I have been waiting for them for weeks. His letters remind me of the pain he suffers being apart from us. I have been so wrapped up in my own sadness that I have forgotten about his. James squeals and it brings a smile to my face. “Did you like daddy’s letter? Let’s get you fed and put down for a nap.” I look over at Cheryl — she is crying. I can feel her pain. I grab a box of tissues from the table and take them over to her before taking James upstairs to feed him.

  Later that night I lie in bed and read some of Max’s letters. I cry and smile at the same time. Neither Cheryl nor Danny shared their letters or the contents of their letters with me. I didn’t ask and they didn’t offer. Danny did ask if it would be ok if they stayed an extra week, and I invited them to stay as long as they want.

  I haven’t seen Brooke lately, but I know her parents are leaving to return home today. I text her to invite her and her sons to dinner.

  Emma: Did they leave?

  Brooke: Just left.

  Emma: Wanna come to dinner? Max’s parents are still here for another week. I could use some company, if you know what I mean.

  Brooke: Are you sure? Three extra people are a bit much.

  Emma: Of course I’m sure. I’ll be over to help you get the kids ready.

  Brooke: That’s ok. As soon as the baby wakes from his nap, we’ll be over. Thank you.

  Emma: That’s ok, Boo. I love you.

  I laugh at myself for some stupid reason.

  Brooke: Haha, very funny, and I love you, forever and always.

  Tonight for dinner, Danny and Cheryl offered to pick up dinner from the Tilted Kilt Pub and Eatery. Max and I love that place and often eat there with Jamison and Brooke. It’s funny I am friends with Brooke and the other Army wives and yet we each refer to the husbands by their last names.

  After dinner Danny and Cheryl leave, and Brooke and I have movie night with the kids. I have missed my time with her and the kids. I cuddle up with Briley while Brooke cuddles up with James as Braden cuddles in between us with his small blanket and his bear. Once the old Disney movie The Fox and the Hound is over, I help her carry her sleeping children the short distance to their side of the duplex.

  James and I go to bed and I leave the door unlocked for Danny and Cheryl. Max will call tomorrow and I find myself anxious for our skype time together. Our time last week was cut short, and I am hoping we have better reception this week.

  I fall into a restless sleep and dream of bombings, shootings, yelling, and minefields. I dream of soldiers being hit by flying debris and flying body parts. I dream of Max and his platoon being in trouble. I can’t see Max’s face, but I see the faces of the other soldiers in his platoon. I wake up to Cheryl sitting on the edge of the bed and I can hardly make out Danny in the hallway. The muted lighting makes it difficult to see.

  “It’s all right, Emma, it’s just a bad dream.”

  I cry into her and wonder whether it was really a dream. I try to calm my racing heart for my own sake and for hers. Once Danny sees I’m ok, he walks away. I lean back away from her and wipe the tears away with the backs of my hands. “I’m sorry, just a bad dream.”

  “Are you sure you’re ok?”

  “Yes, I’m fine. I didn’t mean to wake you or frighten either of you.”

  “Did you dream of Max?” she asks.

  “No,” I lie.

  She looks at me and searches my eyes, from one to the other. I know she is searching for the truth. I blink and look down at the covers on the bed so she can’t see the truth. I don’t want her to see I am afraid for the safety for her son.

  “Ok, good night, and I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Ok, Cheryl, thank you. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  She slowly stands and walks out of the room, leaving my bedroom door slightly opened. I lie in bed and try to forget my dream. It was so real so why couldn’t I see Max’s face? I saw the faces of the other troops. I turn and lie on my side facing Max’s side of the bed. I scoot closer to his side and rest my head on his pillow. It no longer smells like him. Missing him more and more by the minute, I go into the closet and put on one of his t-shirts. I inhale deeply and smile. That’s better.

  I wake up and have an uneasy feeling. I shower while Cheryl bathes James for me. I want to spend a little extra time on my hair and makeup today. I know when Max calls we usually have a grainy image, but I am hoping it’ll be better today. I am also hoping he looks better this week than last week. I dress James and me in red, white, and blue to show our support for our #1 soldier. I make sure James is fed and changed before our skype time with Max. More than any other time, I need this time with him. The dream last night was and is very unsettling. Danny gets the computer set up and we wait for it to come to life. Danny is standing behind us and Cheryl and I are sitting in front of the screen in chairs. James fusses and I look at the time. Max is three minutes late. This is only our third skype time, but he has always been so punctual. I stand and bounce James while pacing the room. Something doesn’t feel right. The hair on my arms stands straight up, and I shiver for no reason at all.

  “What time is it?”

  “8:07,” Danny answers.

  “He’s seven minutes late. He’s not going to call.”

  “Emma, don’t say that. Sometimes they have problems with the reception,” Danny says.

  I take James and walk over to Brooke’s side of the duplex. I knock before walking in. I know she also has skype time with Jamison at the same time I have with Max. I scan the room and see her and the boys sitting on the couch together. “Did he skype yet?”

  “No, we are still waiting.” She holds up her laptop to show me it’s blank.

  “Max hasn’t skyped us either; just checking, sorry.”

  “Are you all right?”

  “Yes,” I lie before shutting the door behind me. I walk back into the house and Danny is on his phone pacing the room. “Jamison hasn’t skyped Brooke and the boys yet either. It must be interference,” I say, not believing that myself.

  I walk James from one end of the room to the other. I kiss him and rest my lips on his fuzzy head. I hum to him and he goes to sleep. Cheryl doesn’t move from the computer screen and Danny talks softly to someone on the phone. My mind races and I can’t think of anything else. I say my silent prayers and pray Max and his troops are safe. The hair on my neck stands up and I already know something is wrong.

  I excuse myself and walk upstairs with James, before putting him to bed. I dress in Max’s sweats and tee shirt for bed and watch the video Max made for me over and over again. I replay his saved voice messages and laugh when he tells me he loves me, always and forever. He never did get our saying right.

  I get our pictures out from the top of the closet and look at them. He is so handsome and strong. His smile is as big as his heart. Max loves with his entire heart. I know people say that men are afraid to love with their whole heart because they are afraid of getting hurt, but not Max. He loves me with everything that he is as a man.

  I fall asleep and wake up to a crying baby. I pick up all the pictures that are now scattered across my bed, change James, and sit up in the rocking chair in the nursery feeding him.

  The next few days go by with no word from Max. Danny runs every morning and Cheryl and I do yoga and exercise to Tamilee Webb DVDs every afternoon. Danny spends a lot of time on his cell phone talking to I have no idea who. A knock sounds at the door, which Danny opens. I walk up behind Danny thinking I am going to see Brooke and the boys standing there. Instead I see Captain Stewart, Chaplain Newman, and Sgt. Majors standing there with sad looks on their faces. I shake my head and back up from the door. “No, God, no. Please tell me it’s not true. God, please tell me it’s not Max.”

  “May we come in, Mrs. Greyson?” the Captain asks.

  “Danny? What is this about?” Cheryl asks Danny and n
ot the three men standing in the doorway.

  I back up until my legs hit the couch. I sit down, but I can’t hear what is being said. I see Cheryl raise her hands to her face and cry. Danny reaches out to hold her and I can see tears fall onto his cheeks. I watch the events unfold but I can’t hear what they are saying. Why can’t I hear anything?

  Brooke scoots past the three tall men, who are still standing in the doorway. She and the boys come over to me, and she holds my hand. Tears now blur my vision, and I can no longer see what is going on. I can hear everyone crying. I listen and they say there was a booby trap and that Max was killed instantly. I shake my head not believing what I am hearing. I sit on the couch feeling numb. They are here to tell me Max isn’t coming home, that Max is never going to come home again.

  I stand on shaky legs. I need to walk over to them, but my legs refuse to move. Brooke stands with me and holds my hand. Through blurred vision, I see the three men walk over to me.

  “I’m sorry, Mrs. Greyson. We wanted to confirm it to make sure it was indeed Sgt. Greyson before contacting you. We plan to have Sgt. Greyson’s body flown here in the next few days. We’ll be in touch with you about what you have decided about funeral arrangements.”

  The rest of what happens that day is a blur. I don’t even remember going to bed.

  “Em, Emma, wake up.”

  I blink a few times and smile. Max is lying beside me on the bed. He smiles and his clear blue eyes are beautiful. “You’re here?”

  “I am, I have missed you.” He says leaning over to kiss the tip of my nose. He gently caresses my earlobe like he always does. I love you so much.”

  “I love you and I have missed you. I had a terrible dream.”

  “I know, Em, I just came by to make sure you and James are all right.”

  “How long are you staying for? Your mom and dad are still here.”

  “I know, I saw them. James is getting so big. He looks just like you.”

  “I think he is handsome like you.” I lean over and touch Max’s scruffy face.