“Because I packed them. Promise me, you’ll wait for me.”
“Ok, I promise. I can’t wait to see you.”
“Me, either, I love you, Boo.”
“Forever and always.”
I hang up and feel the smile still on my face. I get to see Brooke. I haven’t seen her in a long time, although we talk often. I look at the shadow box I am still holding. I look up at the mantle over the fireplace and smile. I told her I won’t go through Max’s boxes, but this box was already opened. I stand up and carefully place the shadow box in the center of the mantel. I get inside the already opened box and see another smaller box that holds all of Max’s medals. I wipe it off and place it beside the shadow box. I step away and admire the mantel. A shrine for Max, perfect.
I put all the boxes with Max’s name on it in the corner of the room. I open a box and see that it holds towels and washcloths. I start my first load of laundry and open another box. It contains lamps and some knickknacks. I dust them off and place them around the living room. Once the last box is empty, I go to another room and start there.
I work well into the middle of the night before falling asleep on James’ bed.
“Em, Emma, wake up.”
I blink a few times and smile. Max is lying beside me on the bed. He smiles; his clear blue eyes are beautiful.
“You’re here?”
“I am, I have missed you,” he says, leaning over to kiss the tip of my nose. He gently caresses my earlobe like he always does. “I love you so much.”
I lean into his hand. “I love you and I have missed you.”
“I like the house.”
“You do?”
“It’ll be a nice place to raise James.”
“You watch us?”
“Everyday.” He smiles.
“If you can see us, why can’t I see you? I miss you so much.”
“You can see me. I am everywhere you are. You just have to open your heart.”
I smile and touch Max’s scruffy face.
“Em, please, tell James how much I love him.”
“I love you,” I say, trying to put his sweet face to memory.
“I love you, always and forever?” he says, smiling.
“Forever and always,” I correct.
I wake up to an empty bed. Max visits me often in my sleep. I know he watches over James and me. I smile at the memory of his face and his voice. As long as Max visits me in my dreams, I will never forget his eyes, the feel of his skin, or his dimpled chin.
I get up and take a bath before Brooke calls me to pick her up at the airport. I eat a bagel and take the empty boxes to the garage. Walking around the house, I am happy with the progress I have made. I start another load of laundry and head out to get James from his grandparents.
James and I pull up to pick up Brooke from the airport. She is waiting for us outside of baggage claim. She didn’t call when she landed; she called after she claimed her luggage. She hops in and squeals when she sees me. I hug her and I can’t believe how much I have missed her. She pulls away from our hug and looks in the back seat, smiles, and reaches her hand for James’ hand.
“Hi, James. I’m Brooke. I’m a friend of your mommy and daddy’s.”
“Hi, Brooke. Momma talks about you a lot.”
“I have missed her and you. You are getting so big.” She looks at him and smiles.
“Thank you. Momma says that I look like my daddy.”
Brooke looks at me and smiles. She looks at James and smiles brightly. “Yes, James, you are very good looking just like your daddy was.”
“Ready?” I ask.
Brooke turns around and fastens her seatbelt. “Ready.”
“Where to first?”
“Really? You have to ask? I just left dreary Oklahoma, so I want to see the beach first, then I want to see your new house.”
“Oh, we have the best beaches in the United States. The sand feels like cool baby powder.”
“I doubt that.”
“It’s true, Brooke, it is berry soft,” James says.
She turns around and asks, “Can you build a sand castle with it?”
“You can, but you have to wet it first,” James informs her.
“Good, because I am the best sand castle builder, ever.”
“You are?” James asks excitedly.
“I am. Do you want to build a sand castle with me?”
“Momma, can we?”
I look over at Brooke and smile. “We need to go home and change into our swimsuits first.”
“Yay, we’re going to the beach,” James says, excitedly.
We load up the trunk of the car with beach towels and James’ sand toys. Once we are at the beach, I am surprised to see Brooke build a mean sandcastle. Even in this baby-powder soft sand, she knows to wet it to make it stick. Their sandcastle is huge and she even has bystanders stopping and watching her. James is excited and is happy to have someone help him who knows what they are doing. We take several pictures of the finished product before heading home.
Once James is in bed and Brooke and I have showered, we open a bottle of wine and sit in the living room, catching up. We avoid the boxes in the corner of the room that say, ‘Max.’ She tells me that Brice is working at his father’s heating and air conditioning business. She also reluctantly adds that he is being treated for P.T.S.D.: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. She tells me that after Max’s death, no one in his platoon re-enlisted in the Army.
She also tells me that her boys are getting big and they both are taking taekwondo. She also adds that Braden is a straight A student and that the baby, Briley, starts school next year.
“You guys should come down to visit next summer. We can take the kids to Disney World.”
“Girl, we may move down here next summer. Florida is just beautiful.”
“Don’t get my hopes up. I would love nothing more than to have you close again.”
“We did have some slumber parties together.”
“We sure did and we watched some chick flicks, too.” I smile at the memory.
“That was a great way to pass the time.” Brooke also smiles at the memory. “Do you remember me saying that I was going to knock the dividing wall out that separates our duplex?”
“Of course I remember that.”
“I wasn’t kidding,” she says.
“I wasn’t kidding either. I’m certain the Army would have kicked us out for that.”
“That would have been hard to explain.”
Once the wine is gone, I go into the bedroom and get a pillow and blanket for her. I walk into the living room, and say, “Sorry, I don’t have an extra bed in the spare room yet.”
Brooke is standing up at the mantel and looking at Max’s flag, his gold star, and his medals. She looks sad and has a tear running down her cheek. I place the blanket and pillow on the couch and walk over to her.
“Emma, I’m sorry. If I could change things, I would in a minute. He was such a nice guy and he loved you very much. James looks so much like him. He even has the dimple in his chin, that Max had.”
I smile a sad smile, because what she said is true. Max was a nice man and James does look a lot like him. “He was going to be such a great dad. I feel bad for James. I at least have memories of Max, but James only has pictures, letters, and a couple of videos of his father. He wasn’t even old enough to remember him.” I pick up his gold star and hold it tightly.
After several minutes of silence, she asks, “Are you seeing anyone?”
“No, Max was my soul mate, and I’m not sure how to move on without him.”
We stand there in silence, looking at Max’s medals. “Well, let’s get to bed. We have some site-seeing to do tomorrow,” I say, walking towards the hallway.
“Sounds like a plan. Good night, Boo, I love you.”
I smile before saying, “I love you, too, forever and always.”
We take James to P.V.K., Pre-Voluntary Kindergarten, in the morning, and Brooke an
d I decide to take a run on the beach before it gets too hot. After we shower, we decide to sort through some of the boxes marked ‘Max.’ All of Max’s clothes I just leave in the box and put the box in Max’s closet. I’m not ready to get rid of them yet. Brooke doesn’t agree with me, but she doesn’t say anything either. When she loses her husband, then she can tell me when to toss Max’s stuff out. Unless you have gone through it, you have no idea what it feels like to lose your soul mate.
Sorting through the boxes, I find most of them are Max’s clothing. We open a box and in it are letters. Unopened letters from Max from four years ago. I had no idea these letters even existed. Max’s letters were very slow getting to us. It took two or three weeks for mail to get to us after it was picked up for delivery. Inside the box are letters, cards, pictures, and a calendar with dates crossed off. The last date crossed off is June 16th. Max died on June 17th. I open a letter and see that inside is a list of things Max wanted to do when he got home. Max wrote me every single day and sometimes I think he didn’t know what to say, so he just wrote stupid stuff. I read the letter and laugh.
“What’s so funny?” Brooke asks.
“Max sent me a list of some things that he wanted to do when he gets home.”
“If they’re sexual, I don’t want to hear them,” she says, grinning. “On second thought, maybe I do. I want to hear what a freak Max was.”
“Listen to this, Brooke:
Em, another boring day in the Middle East and I would give anything to be home with you and James right now. It is so boring here, I have no idea why we are even over here. The guys and I play cards and they quit after I win. I have been thinking and when we get to Florida these are some things I want us to do with James.
1. Go to Disney World and stay to watch the fireworks.
2. Have a picnic at Myakka Park and watch the alligators swim.
3. Stand under that kissing statue and see if she is wearing panties. (I always wanted to, but was too embarrassed to.)
4. Take a dinner cruise at sunset.
5. Drink beer at Epcot.
6. Lie outside in our yard and star gaze.
7. Build the biggest and best sand castle on Siesta Key Beach, ever.
8. Learn to sail (without James).
9. Go to Halloween Horror Nights and ride the roller coasters at night, drunk (again, without James).
10. Have a huge party with the platoon and celebrate our freedom.
11. Live each and every day like it’s your last.
12. I want my wife to always be loved, to always be happy and to always be treated the way she deserves.
I miss you and I love you, always and forever.
P.S. Kiss our son and tell him, each and every day, how much I love him. I’ll be home soon. Max.
We both sniffle and I wipe the tears away. “What do you think?”
“About the letter?”
“Do you want to go to Disney World tomorrow and watch the fireworks?”
“I’m on vacation. I’ll do whatever you want to do.”
“Disney World it is. James will be excited.”
I open a few more letters and read them before I come across one for James. I hold it up for Brooke to see. “It’s for James. It says on the back to open on his 18th birthday. This sounds like Max knew he wasn’t going to make it out of there alive.”
“I know that Max said he was bored over there, but the stories the guys told when they returned tell what Max left out. Brice said they had long periods of down time with intervals of chaos.”
“I’m sure they did. Max would never want me to worry. The letter with the list of things he wants to do in Florida. I think it’s his bucket list.”
“You know, if Max didn’t go into that building alone, none of our troops would have come home alive. Max really is a hero. Brice still has nightmares about being over there. He wanted so many times to talk to you, to call you, but he has so much guilt. He doesn’t know what to say.”
I watch her through blurred vision from my tears. She sniffles and I know she is crying, too.
“Is that why no one has stayed in touch with me?” My nose tingles and tears continue to stream down my face, and I can’t stop them. I grab a few tissues for me and hand the box over to Brooke.
“I can’t speak for them, but I know they all suffer from survivors’ guilt. Brice wishes he would or could have done something to save Max. He would do anything to change the events of that dreadful day.”
“Brooke, it not his fault, or anyone’s fault, that Max lost his life, except the person who set the booby trap.” I close the box and stack it back in the corner of the room. “It’s sad, and no one can change that. James and I are moving on and everyone else needs to as well. Max would want that. Do you still keep in touch with everyone?”
“Brice does, for sure. Why?”
“Just asking, it looks like I need to get everyone together and throw a party.”
“Let me know when; we can plan a party like no other. Oh, you should do it on July 4th. No better time to celebrate our freedom than on Independence Day.”
“Brooke? That is a great idea. It would be easier if you lived closer.” We both laugh at the ridiculousness of her living right beside me again. “Hey, if we go to Disney World tomorrow, we’ll need some Mickey Mouse shirts.”
“All I need is a Mickey Mouse bikini,” Brooks says, laughing.
“You are not getting a Mickey Mouse bikini.”
“If I want Mickey’s ears to cover my boobs, I can. I’m on vacation and I can do whatever I want. I’ll look like a tourist.”
“Come on, vacation girl. Let’s get James from school and go shopping for some Mickey Mouse gear. And tourists do not dress like that!”
Brooke
“James, guess what I found today?” Emma asks, excitedly.
“My rock? Did you find my lost rock?”
“I did. I found it in my purse. I also found something else.”
“My car?”
“No, but, I did find a box of letters from your daddy.”
“You did?”
“I did, and I found a letter he wrote for you.”
“Will you read it to me?”
“I would, but daddy wants you to wait until you’re older to read it.”
“I have to put it with my other letters from daddy.”
“I already did.”
“Other letters?” I ask.
“Once the letters started coming in from Max, Max would write me and he would also write to James. Some of James’ letters he wanted opened up on milestone dates, such as his birthday or holidays.”
“Momma and I call them ‘letters from heaven,’ huh, Momma?”
“We sure do, James.”
Later that night, Emma gets a blanket and we lie in the backyard star gazing. Emma points out to James some of the star constellations. James points out a group of stars that looks like a doggie and we all laugh. I see a shooting star and tell James to make a wish. I explain shooting stars are supposed to bring good luck. He closes his eyes tightly and opens them when he is done.
James points out the brightest star in the sky and says he thinks that’s his daddy watching down on us. I swear I get goose bumps because I believe our loved ones who have passed before us, can and do look after us.
Emma smiles, “James, I think you are right. Daddy is an angel and he is probably the brightest star in the sky.”
The next day we get up early and go to Disney World wearing our matching Mickey Mouse shirts. James wanted everyone to wear matching shirts. We have a great time and ride every ride James can and wants to ride. Emma splurges and makes sure this is a day James will remember. She laughs and is carefree.
Just before dark we wait near the fence for the fireworks to begin.
“Momma, did you see that great big firework?”
“I did, it was beautiful.”
“Daddy would like this.”
“Yes, James, I think he would, too. He told m
e to bring you here in one of his letters he wrote.”
“Daddy loves me, huh, momma?”
“He sure does, forever and always.”
After the fireworks we take turns carrying a sleeping James to the ferry boat and then to the car. Once we are in the car, Emma looks over and smiles. “That was fun.”
“It sure was.”
She looks up at the sky and mouths, “Thank you,” before pulling out into traffic.
Once we are on the highway heading home, I look over at Emma and ask, “Do you like living in Florida?”
“I do. I love it here, why?”
“Just asking. What do you like about it?”
“Well, for one, my family is here. The weather is beautiful year round, and we always have something to do. James is surrounded by people who love him.”
“What about friends?”
“Well, since Max’s death, our friends have been scarce.”
“Really?”
“I’m afraid so, I think people feel bad and aren’t quite sure what to say to us and it’s hard to make friends as an adult.”
Once we are home, I go outside and call Brice. I talk to him and check on my boys several times a day. Tonight, I feel the need to talk to him.
“Brooke, is everything all right?”
“It’s fine. I just wanted to talk to you.”
“We miss you.”
“Me, too, how are the boys?”
“Good, they’re at grandma’s because I have work in the morning. How’s your visit?”
“Good, Emma finally bought a house. It’s perfect for her and James. Max told her to take James to Disney World to see the fireworks, so we did that today. We actually just got home.”
“Wait? What? Max told her?”
“It’s the oddest thing. We were going through some of Max’s things and there was a box of unopened letters from Max. She opened some of them and one was almost like a bucket list of 11 or 12 things he wanted to do with her. Max even wrote James letters with instructions of when he is supposed to open them.”
“That son of a gun.”
“What?”
“When we were in the Middle East, I told him I didn’t think we would make it out alive and he kept smiling and laughing, saying this was child’s play. All along he knew we may not make it.”
“That sounds just like him.”
Shattered Dreams Page 8