by Lis Lucassen
“May I be excused?” Jason pushed his plate away.
“Don’t you want to join us for an evening walk?”
Jason shook his head and Dan followed his example by pushing back his chair and getting up.
“Where are you guys going?” His dad’s stern tone of voice evoked a deep sigh from Dan. They’d never stop checking on him. His every move. At times he’d wondered if his parents were ever going to trust him enough again to just let him do his own thing for longer than a few hours, but he’d stopped pondering the question a while back. The answer was, no doubt, ‘never’.
“Just up to our room,” Jason mumbled, and Dan nodded along. “Since they’re expecting us very early tomorrow morning…”
Dan didn’t finish his brother’s sentence. He didn’t want to call even more attention to the fact that he’d broken character just a few minutes before.
“Sounds good. Dan?”
He sighed. “I just want to hit the sack, okay?”
His dad nodded briefly, signaling he was excused too. Quickly, he caught up with Jason and they crossed the dinner room together. They went up to their hotel room in silence. Once inside, Dan kicked off his slippers and dropped down on his side of the bed. Jason had already grabbed his tablet and wanted to plug in his ear buds, but Dan stopped him.
“What?”
Dan shrugged, the gesture not nearly as casual as he wanted to make it seem. “You can stop worrying about me.”
Jason shook his head and sat up a bit straighter. For the first time, Dan saw how grownup Jason looked, the way the weary lines around his mouth and the slant of his eyes made him look older than he was. A painful realization stung his heart with a thousand needles – it was his fault that Jason had become like this. His fault that his little brother had left behind the carefree state of childhood to move into adolescence overnight.
“What do you mean?”
Dan sat back. “Stop worrying about what I might do. What might happen if… look, I promise you, Jase, you don’t have to be afraid. I swear that’s not what I want. I won’t try doing that again. Ever.”
“You mean you’ll never try to kill yourself again?”
Dan cringed. Jason fixed him with his eyes for a second, then looked away. “I don’t know if I can trust your promises anymore.”
His words were an echo of what his father had told him earlier. Dan stared at Jason, who now calmly plugged in his earphones and ostensibly focused on his game. And the words consumed him, even more so than his constant shame.
12
Lynn
The long pants sticking to the back of her legs felt strange. Emmanuel had predicted rain – not just a few simple spells of rain, but an out-and-out downpour that would start in the afternoon and last until late night. The rain wasn’t here to cool the air yet, though, so the weather was still oppressively hot and humid. Lynn wiped a bead of sweat off her neck. She’d braided her long hair and used pins to keep the loose strands out of her face, but she still felt way too hot.
“Good morning.” Steve joined her outside. He was wearing loose sweatpants and a navy hooded sweater, which brought out the blue in his irises. His blond hair was combed back. “God, I feel like having a smoke.”
Lynn narrowed her eyes. “But you don’t smoke.”
The twinkle in his eyes made her realize she’d fallen for a trap he’d set. “Only after sex. You’ll find out, though.”
She sighed, shaking her head. “Dream on.”
“Hey! Give me some credit here. Still three weeks to go…” Steve shoved her playfully, then grabbed the fabric of her shirt before pulling her into a semi-embrace. “Honey, you don’t know what you’re missing.”
“Steve – jeez. It’s five a.m. and I’m not in the mood.” Feeling frustrated, embarrassed, and maybe just a bit flattered, she pulled out of his hug. Even though she didn’t seriously consider ever ending up in Steve’s bed for real, the fact that he flirted with her felt pretty good. It made her feel seen. As though she’d caught his eye. Had she managed to catch Dan’s eye? Quickly, she muted the thought.
To Steve, she was just one of many in a long list of conquests. Once he’d get what he wanted, he’d soon tire of her. She knew his kind. He’d have been perfect for Esmee – but not for her. She avoided guys like him like the plague.
The kids in history class had come up with a brilliant nickname for her: Mosler Safe, after the famous type of bank vault withstanding even the nuclear attacks of World War Two. The joke had made Esmee crack up back then.
“You only have yourself to blame.” Esmee giggled, pushing away her math notebook. “There’s plenty of boys who wouldn’t mind popping your cherry, believe me.”
“Shhh!” Lynn cast a look around. The table next to them was occupied by a swarm of girls from the lower grade. Fortunately, they were too busy working on their project to be disturbed by the sheer volume of Esmee’s voice as she talked and laughed – not to mention by what she blurted out in the process.
“If you feel ashamed, you should do something about it.” Esmee shrugged, dug around in her handbag, and pulled out a bottle of nail polish. “Hold out your hands.”
“But we have a test tomorrow!” Lynn protested, but Esmee closed her books and pulled her hands closer.
“Lynnie, you’ll get straight A’s as usual. So we’ll make sure you at least look good in that sweaty exam hall. Anyway, what do you think of Tobias?”
Quietly, she watched as Esmee painted her nails just as red as her own. Every boy she’d ever liked had fallen for Esmee. Not that she blamed her cousin – no way. Esmee couldn’t help but attract everything and everybody, including Lynn herself, because she was like the brightest flame lighting up the darkest room. Yet sometimes, that same flame burned too bright and singed her skin.
Nobody here knew who Esmee was. And nobody knew who Lynn had been.
“Good morning, sweetie.” Steve greeted Ellis with a warm embrace.
Lynn couldn’t help but notice that the teenage girl pushed her upper body against Steve’s a bit too eagerly. She giggled something about it being awfully early and her looking for a good seat to catch a few more minutes of sleep on the bus.
“I’ll join you.” Steve looked at her sideways. Lynn shrugged and let out a deep sigh as the two of them boarded the stationary vehicle.
“You working all alone?” Emmanuel looked at her pityingly from his place at the steering wheel.
She laughed. “You and me, Emmanuel.”
The driver gave her a friendly nod, then focused on his newspaper again.
At twenty-five past five, the bus was filled with teenagers. Besides Ellis, another British girl had joined the excursion. And the group of six German boys who’d signed up yesterday were all there, too.
Emmanuel folded up his paper and looked at her questioningly. Lynn nodded and was about to hop on when she spotted two figures coming through the double doors of the hotel. Jason broke into a sprint toward the waiting bus, but Dan just strolled up, following his little brother at the most leisurely pace imaginable. Lynn held back a sharp comment before she greeted Jason and told him there were still some seats available in the back of the bus.
“Hey.” Dan looked up at her expectantly.
“Can you board the bus, please?” Lynn crossed her arms in front of her chest.
A smile tugged at his lips and only now did Lynn notice that he’d left his cap at home. “Yeah, I think I can. Do you?”
Lynn scoffed. Dan took her hand, entwined his fingers with hers, and pulled her up the steps to enter the bus. She followed him into the aisle, since she had no other choice. Dan stopped between two unoccupied seats on either side. He gently pushed her toward the window seat. Before Lynn could even raise a protest, he’d taken the seat next to her.
In the meantime, Emmanuel closed the doors and hit the gas.
“Is it a long drive?” Dan leaned in, his arm brushing against hers on the armrest separating them.
“Two hours.”
Lynn pulled her hand away and rested it in her lap, which caused Dan to shoot an amused glance in her direction. She shook her head. “I don’t get you.”
“Oh.” He kept staring at her.
“I mean, one moment you act normal, and then…” Because she didn’t quite know what to say next she didn’t finish her sentence.
“Maybe I’m kind of like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.” He waggled his eyebrows and leaned in a bit. Lynn shifted backward against the window, but there was no way out. She was stuck here and Dan was blocking her only way out. “So who do you like better? The good guy or the bad guy?”
Before she could respond, Dan moved away, back to his own seat. He closed his eyes. It only took him a few minutes to drift off into a deep sleep, breathing peacefully. Lynn bit her lip. While he lay there sleeping, a war was raging within her body. She had to stop herself from touching him. She could still feel the heat of his fingers on hers, of her hand holding his.
Lynn sighed and leaned her head against the back rest. She caught herself wondering who exactly would wake up next to her once they reached their destination – Dr. Jekyll, or Mr. Hyde?
13
Lynn
“Caves?” Jason looked up at Lynn. “Cool!” He then joined Steve to listen to his explanation about rock climbing. Dan was a little ways away from her. As if he could feel her eyes on him, he turned around just when she was staring at him and looked at her too. He smiled.
Quickly, Lynn looked away, at Ellis and Rosa, the other British girl. They were goofing around with three guys from the German group. Steve finished his instruction for the few remaining people around him and looked around the circle.
“We work in teams. The German guys can form two groups of three. I’ll team up with Rosa and Ellis, and Lynn will supervise the others.” He walked over to her and continued: “If that’s okay with you, of course. I should probably stay with the girls to help them. Jason told me that he and his brother have done this before.”
Lynn nodded. “Sure.”
Steve flung an arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer, his hand lingering a bit too low on her back. “Hey, if you get fed up with Mr. Morose, just loosen the rope.” He laughed ebulliently after his own joke, held her close for a few more beats, then walked over to Rosa and Ellis who followed him into the caves while giggling.
The German guys trailed behind them and disappeared into the caves, which meant Lynn was left standing there with Jason. And Dan, of course. She sighed and turned around to address the two brothers. “You said you’ve done rock climbing before?”
Jason nodded. “Yup. But we never climbed in a real cave before. Hella cool.”
Dan playfully slapped his brother on the back of the head. “Run along, South Park. Why don’t you pick us a nice spot to show off our skills? Not too easy, okay?”
Jason’s face split into a grin that looked eerily similar to the smirk his big brother had given Lynn on the bus that very morning. He ran into the caves and left her standing next to Dan, who suddenly seemed to be standing very close.
“So, have you decided yet?”
Her head felt like the blood had drained from her brain, taking all capacity for coherent thought with it. “Decided what?” she snapped in frustration.
Dan twirled a loose strand of her hair around his finger and studied it intently for a few seconds before tugging it behind her ear. “Decided who you like better – Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde.”
Lynn inched away. He was standing way too close and the previously absent blood suddenly rushed back to her head like a roaring river. By now she was sure she looked like a flustered tomato. “Neither,” she mumbled, followed by the astute: “I’m going inside.”
When Steve had suggested doing free climbing in a cave, it had seemed like a good idea. After all, how high could you climb inside a cave? Lynn rubbed her upper arms. She’d guessed wrong. Her neck hurt from craning it as she looked up. The rock face towering in front of her was at least a hundred feet high, if not higher.
She felt herself getting dizzy. Dan and Jason were a few yards away. They’d put on the harnesses and were now debating who should go up first. The others were out of sight, probably busy in other parts of the immense subterranean space. The cave was famous for its excellent rock climbing opportunities and it attracted a lot of climbers. At least, that’s what Steve had told her.
Each group had their own instructor, fortunately. The mustached man assigned to help them didn’t seem to care much, though – he nodded his head at her, Jason or Dan every once in a while, as he tiredly sat slumped back against the rock face.
“You ready?” Dan was behind her. She wanted to turn around, but he stopped her by putting his hands on her shoulders. Those same hands then drifted down to her waist and upper legs.
“Wha…”
Again, she wanted to step away, but his grasp was strong. “No worries, I’m just checking your harness. I’d rather not take a girl to stellar heights without doing it safe.”
His words danced through her body and spun circles in strange places. Lynn held her breath as his hands touched her body, routinely checking the three clasps of the harness. Every now and then, his fingers lingered just a bit too long. At first, she thought it was just a coincidence, but when Dan slipped his hand under the fabric of her shorts to caress the skin of her bare stomach, she realized there was nothing coincidental about it.
“All set.” Dan let go of her so suddenly that Lynn had to regain balance quickly to not tumble backward.
“Finally! Who’s going up first?” Jason had already attached his harness to one of the ropes dangling from the wall. “Me!” He tossed his brother the other end of the rope and peered up, looking for the right protrusion to use as a starting point. Dan ran the rope through the belay fixed to his own harness.
It didn’t take Jason long to reach the summit. His brother went next. Dan didn’t take very long to get all the way up there, either.
And then it was her turn.
“You ready?” Dan fixed the rope to the clasp attached to the waistband of her harness, his fingers working routinely, forming the rope into an eight-shaped pattern. Or the symbol for eternity as it was used in mathematics. Before she could ask where he learned how to do this so quickly, he gave her a gentle shove toward the rock face.
“I…” The wall of stone rose up in front of her. Here and there Lynn could spot the outcroppings that Jason and Dan had used for their hands and feet in order to make their way up there. And now she was supposed to do the same. Inadvertently she took a step back, slamming into Dan’s body. “Maybe I should…”
“I won’t let you fall.” His breath tickled her neck as he whispered the words in her ear. Confidently. Quietly.
“Okay.”
Her steps steered her to the wall once more, making her look far more confident than she was actually feeling. The climb up was steep – about one third of the way in, she could already feel the muscles in her arms tremble. She didn’t stop, though. It was only when she’d reached the top that she realized just how far up she’d climbed. She looked down.
Into the abyss.
Suddenly, her hands felt slippery and clammy. Sweat beaded on her forehead. In her imagination, the drops were falling endlessly into the depths below before they hit the floor. It wouldn’t matter whether her feet or her hands lost grip, because she’d fall…
Next thing she knew, she’d lost contact with the rock face. The harness tightened around her thighs, stopping her from crashing down. She dropped a few feet, her body spinning erratically as she dangled from the rope and her shoulder hit the hard stone.
“Lynn?”
Her name drifted upward but she refused to hazard another look down. If she did, the earth would seem too far away, and the way down would be too long, and she’d never…
She felt she was being lowered. Slowly. Until at last, her feet hit solid ground. She fell on her behind ungraciously.
Dan kneeled down next to her, his han
d on her shoulder. He pulled up the sleeve of her shirt. “Does it hurt? Can you move your arm?”
“No, it’s fine. I’m fine.” Lynn scrambled to her feet and quickly took off the harness. She felt clumsy. Awkward.
“Jesus! Lynn! I saw what happened! You okay?” Steve came running, Ellis and Rosa following in his wake.
“Sure. I’m okay.” Just to focus her attention on something else, she started to roll up the rope. It felt like all eyes were on her. “Really, Steve, I’m doing fine. Thanks. Have… have all the other groups finished?”
Gingerly, she looked up. Steve was in front of her, an angry scowl scrunching up his face. “Dude! She could have crashed to her death!”
It took Lynn a second to realize that Steve was talking to Dan, who was giving Steve just as much of a death glare back. Dan didn’t reply, which seemed to annoy Steve even more. Quickly, she put her hand on Steve’s shoulder to calm him down. “Hey. Nothing happened. Dan was giving me a belay, I didn’t really fall down.”
“He should have given more tension. He should have warned you when he saw you were having trouble.” Steve relaxed slightly. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder, which suddenly felt pretty stiff and injured. “Jesus, Lynn,” he mumbled again, followed by an even quieter: “You scared me to death.”
She smiled up at Steve, just to let him know nothing was wrong, before slipping an arm around his waist in a friendly gesture. Lynn looked up to find Dan’s gaze. He fixed her with a cold stare before he turned around to take off the harness.
14