by Lis Lucassen
“Dan?” Suddenly, she felt very naked. Exposed. Quickly, she put her underwear back on and buttoned up her dress. Was this normal – feeling embarrassed afterwards? She didn’t know from experience, but something told her this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. “Dan?” she said again, ignoring the slight tremble in her voice.
“I can’t do this. Sorry. I thought I could – but I can’t,” was all he said.
Lynn scrambled to her feet. “What do you mean, you can’t?” Her embarrassment had turned to liquid, and she wiped away a tear from her cheek in irritation. She didn’t want to cry, so she held her breath and waited for Dan to turn around and tell her he wasn’t serious. He’d tell her he didn’t mean it like that and that there was a simple explanation for his behavior.
Except he didn’t. He walked away from her and climbed the path going back to the parking lot. He disappeared behind the rocks. For a while, Lynn simply couldn’t move. After a long while, she snatched up her slippers from the ground and walked over to the waterline where she let her feet sink into the wet sand. Her tears were as salty as the sea water pulling at her legs.
“I told them I’ll be sleeping over at your place.” Esmee’s eyes were red-rimmed. She grabbed Lynn’s hand and pulled her along to step out the front door. “Lynn, please…”
“I don’t want to lie for you.” Apparently, she’d said the words too loud, because Esmee shushed her and shot an anxious look through the window into the living room. She had nothing to fear, though. No one was there. They were probably all sitting at the kitchen table, where her family usually sat to have family meetings.
“Why are you doing this?” She wasn’t angry, exactly – just tired. Exhausted.
“Doing what?”Esmee truly didn’t understand what she meant. She didn’t understand the way she manipulated people. “Lynn, I’m not doing anything. Really.” The smile illuminated her face. “I’m just…”
“In love, yeah, I know.” Her cousin’s smile was contagious, and her light warmed Lynn because it made her feel like she was in the spotlight, right next to Esmee. Like Esmee was the sun and she was deemed worthy of orbiting her for just a short while, sharing in her glory.
“So why don’t you just tell your parents? I don’t see the problem. You’re almost eighteen.” She watched Esmee tugging the sleeve of her shirt down. Was she just imagining the bruise on Esmee’s wrist or was it really there? Should she bring it up? Something in Esmee’s averted gaze told her that mentioning it would only make things worse.
“Lynn?”
“Yeah, yeah. If anyone asks, we’re having a sleep-over at my place.”
Esmee wrapped her arms around her neck and hugged her. She didn’t want to give in, but it was cold in the shadows. Cold, and lonely.
24
Dan
His legs burned by the time he finally got to the jeep. And he regretted everything. He regretted having taken things this far with Lynn. He felt bad about how good it had felt, how much he’d enjoyed cherishing her body. He was sorry he hadn’t taken more of her, and at the same time, he cursed himself for wanting more.
Just for a second, he’d doubted himself. When her hands had locked around his arms, when her fingers had dug into his skin.
He’d been afraid.
Of her touch, and of her hands, on him. Even though there’d been a layer of clothing separating them, even though she wouldn’t have been able to feel what was underneath. He’d been afraid of the sensation of touch, of the desire it evoked in him. Of the simple fact that he’d felt something, that he had felt her. And she’d felt him. She’d wanted – him.
He’d been scared, and his fear had yanked him out of that place of possibilities, of longing, and it had put him in his usual place – reality. That one second her fingers had touched his arm and he’d seen the passion in her eyes, had felt it coursing through her body, echoed back by his own, had changed everything.
And yet, things hadn’t changed at all.
Because this was how it had once been. And how it would still be, and always be.
He hadn’t been able to stop. He’d wanted to give in to hope, to wishful thinking, allowing for that one, simple chance.
He wanted her.
The butterfly spreading its wings on her skin made it so much harder to not share with her what was underneath his own clothes. What was on him. Inside of him. That’s why he’d shown her his moth tattoo. She’d known what it was, but she didn’t know why he had chosen that symbol, of all things.
For a while, he’d lifted her up just as high as that butterfly on her body, frail and weightless on the breeze, ascending higher and higher until her wings caught flame and flooded her with fire.
In that moment, Lynn had been breathtaking.
She’d made him long for the same liberation. The same weightlessness.
Dan boarded the jeep and sagged back in the driver’s seat. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply through his nose, then exhaled through his mouth. The trick taught to him by the therapist to balance his emotions somewhat. Breathe in. Breathe out. He focused on the murmuring sound of the sea, coming to him from outside the jeep at irregular intervals. The weather seemed to be turning. Or maybe he was just hoping for some rain to cool him off.
At last, he felt he had his emotions enough in check to open his eyes. He stared at the steering wheel.
He hadn’t wanted to look Lynn in the eye back there. He hadn’t been ready to be confronted with her confusion in that most vulnerable moment. Should he tell her? The thought crossed his mind. The possibility. Should he answer her question by taking off his shirt and share his ugliness with her?
He didn’t dare.
He couldn’t stand seeing her face cloud over. He couldn’t stand watching Lynn as she averted her gaze – refused to look at him. Refused to acknowledge him, the way he’d be standing there. It would taint everything.
And so he’d chosen to run away.
Helplessly, his fists pummeled the wheel. The simmering heat enveloped him, heavy and impenetrable. He got out of the jeep and followed the path down to the beach once more. Lynn was standing there in the surf. Strands of hair had slipped out of her braid and they danced whenever the wind picked them up. She looked out at sea. Her face was turned away from him, but Dan could picture her blue eyes scanning the horizon.
For a moment, he remained there. She was beautiful. Tall enough to fit his body in just the right places, soft, and exuding a modest elegance that made him curious to find out about her background. Who she was besides the animation team girl. She was hugging her chest with her arms.
He kicked off his slippers when he got to the bottom of the rock stairs. The warm sand stuck to his feet, crowding between his toes and slowing him down somewhat. Lynn hadn’t noticed he’d walked up to her and was now just behind her. Or maybe she had, but she was choosing to ignore him.
Carefully and deliberately, he looped his arms around her, touching her own. He didn’t pull her in – he left enough space between her back and his chest.
“I never meant to let things get so much out of hand,” he confessed. “And I’m sorry I ran off like that. That wasn’t fair.”
She shivered, but kept quiet.
“I’m falling into the habit of apologizing to you way too much.” He rested his chin on her shoulder. “Sometimes I don’t know who I am, exactly.”
“A jackass.”
“Yeah. True.” He sighed. “But – maybe I could be more than just that?” He looked down. Both their feet were covered with gray, wet sand, and hidden from the world. He knew they were there, and he knew his feet supported him and kept him upright, but he couldn’t see them anymore. Feeling suddenly insecure, he wiggled his toes to free them from the sand and the water just to make sure they were still there.
“Maybe.” Lynn’s answer was a mere whisper, but she might as well have shouted it down his ear. It rang so clear and true. Dan sucked in the ocean air through his nose. His chest suddenly seemed to have expan
ded, making way for a different kind of air.
“We need to be on our way.” It took him great effort to eventually let go of Lynn.
“Will I – ever be allowed to touch you?” Lynn turned around and looked at him inquiringly.
He pondered her question. And his own reply took him by surprise.
“Maybe.”
25
Lynn
While they drove back, the sun sank below the rocks in the distance. Dan kept quiet and focused his attention on the road ahead. Every now and then, she snuck a look at him. At his hands loosely holding the steering wheel while his fingers tapped an erratic pattern. At the profile of his face. By the time Dan parked the jeep in front of the lobby doors, it had turned dark. He didn’t make any move to get out first, so she tried to wiggle out of the car as carefully as she could. Then again, what did it matter if her dress rode up again? He’d seen everything by now.
She lingered on the steps leading up to the doors, looking for the right words to say to him. But nothing seemed right enough. The storm she’d felt inside of her earlier had died down, simmering just below the surface. Lynn didn’t doubt that a single word from Dan, one single touch of his hands, would summon that hurricane once more.
And it would knock her straight off her feet.
When Dan didn’t say anything either, Lynn decided to go inside. As she stepped inside, she heard her name. Just for a fraction of a second, she hesitated, then kept walking. The doors swung shut and kept Dan’s voice out.
In the days that followed, the weather turned bad . After several sunny weeks, the rains now ceaselessly poured down from the gray skies without really cooling down the land it fell upon. The heat was everywhere – inside and outside the hotel. Lynn suspected the same heat lingered within her, longing for a way out. She and Steve barely had anything to do, because the children were mainly using the lobby for a playground or they were out with their parents on daytrips that also took them somewhere indoors. She hadn’t seen Dan after the picnic. He was avoiding her, that much was clear. She’d spotted him in the dinner hall a few times, but whenever she’d purposely tried to catch his eye, he’d fled the scene.
It hurt her more than she cared to admit.
“Poker!”
Lynn lowered the old Vogue she was trying to get through.
Steve walked in and plunked down on her double bed while shooting her a satisfied look. “I said…”
“Poker. Yeah, I heard you,” she supplied. “I just don’t get what you mean.” Lynn picked up her magazine again but Steve stopped her from reading on by snatching it from her hands. He tossed it to the other side of the bed.
“Listen. We can organize a game night. For the guests and the hotel staff. I mean, the weather sucks, everybody is at the bar complaining about the sucky weather, and meanwhile we are running around twenty-four-seven to keep everyone happy.”
“And you think you can solve that with a few rounds of bingo?”
Steve sighed demonstratively. “No, you idiot. I was thinking of a really cool game night with a casino theme. You know – poker, Black Jack, roulette. Where do you think we could get a roulette table, by the way?”
Lynn pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “They don’t allow roulette tables in hotels.”
“Not in Holland,” Steve grinned. He jumped up from the bed. “I bet the law is different here. I’m going to talk to Constanza.” He winked at her as he walked out the door, probably headed straight for the general manager’s office to divulge and elaborate on his wonderful plan. Lynn couldn’t suppress a smile. Once Steve got something in his head, he always made sure his plans came to fruition.
He smiled back at her. “Hey, you can still come along tonight. I’m taking Marina to the Loco Club. Cocktail night. Two for one, baby!”
She wanted to spout her default “no, thanks”, then reconsidered. The prospect of sitting in her hotel room all by herself yet another night, with the memory of Dan’s hands on her body and his lips on hers… “Sure. What time?”
Steve whipped around. “Seriously? You’re actually coming? It’s a miracle!”
She grabbed the Vogue next to her bed and threw it at his head. The pages fluttered as the magazine hit the wall next to the doorpost. “Be in the lobby at ten thirty,” she heard him call through the door.
Lynn had just picked up the magazine and reinstalled herself with her back against the headboard when someone knocked on her door again. She hopped off the bed and pulled it open. “So, Constanza didn’t like your casino plans?”
“I don’t know. What casino plans?” It was Dan who was in front of her door, dressed in his usual attire of long-sleeved shirt and knee-length shorts. He’d swapped out his slippers for sneakers, though. It wasn’t very nice weather, after all. “Hey.”
“H-hi,” she managed to stammer, followed by an equally intelligent: “What are you doing here?”
“I’m here to offer yet another apology?” He held up a bottle of wine. “And frankly, I’m running away from my parents. They’re driving me nuts.” He looked past her into the room. “Can I come in?”
“Uhm. Sure…” Lynn stepped aside and let him pass. Dan briefly looked around, then took a seat on the bed. She closed the door, leaning against it with her back.
“So, casino plans, huh?” He unscrewed the cap on the wine bottle and took a long drink before holding out the bottle for her.
“Oh, not mine. Steve’s.”
“Sounds good.” He dangled the bottle in front of her invitingly. Lynn shook her head, which made him shrug and gulp down another couple swigs. “Black Jack? Poker?”
“I have no idea what he’s got up his sleeve. You’ll find out soon enough. If he manages to convince the manager, that is.”
“Are you just going to keep standing there?” It was a legitimate question.
Yes, because the place near the door was safe. Much safer. She didn’t want a rinse-and-repeat of that afternoon at the beach. Well, she did – but not in the same way. And yet, her body ached for his touch. But it wanted more than just that. It wanted equality. And how could they be equals if she wasn’t allowed to touch Dan – and he refused to tell her the reason? Was it her?
“Are you seeing that guy?”
The question caught her by surprise. Dan looked at her expectantly, his brown eyes slightly narrowed.
“Why?” Lynn crossed her arms in front of her chest. “And what do you mean, exactly? You want to know whether he touches me? And vice versa?” Before she could reconsider her actions, the words escaped her mouth like bullets looking for a target. And she immediately knew she’d hit the bulls-eye of his heart. He looked away, and when he finally did look up again to face her, shame had turned his gaze dark. That somehow made it even worse – the fact that humiliation was the main emotion she’d evoked in him when she lashed out like that. She wanted to apologize, but Dan beat her to it.
“I deserved that.” He seemed to talk to himself more than to her. For a moment, she thought he’d get up, shove her out of the way, and leave the room, but Dan kicked off his sneakers and sat back on the bed. He lifted the wine bottle to his lips and drank. And kept drinking.
At last, he planted the bottle on the nightstand next to him. “So…”
“So.”
“Room service?”
“Sorry, what?”
Dan shrugged. “I’m kind of hungry. You? What do you feel like eating?” He pointed to the folder on her bedside table containing the hotel information pack and the room service menu. “Can I have a look? Please?” he added quickly.
Lynn sighed. She couldn’t very well stand here by the door all night, could she? And besides, she could ask Dan to leave at any time. If she really wanted to get rid of him. But she didn’t. If he was normal like this, he was good company to have around. The fact that she’d made up her mind – nothing else would happen between them anymore, because the first time had been warning enough for her – should suffice. With a few long strides, she g
ot to the nightstand and picked up the folder. “I’d like the nachos. The large portion.” She handed the menu to Dan while dialing the number for room service. He flipped through the pages.
“Make that two. And please bill it to room 506.”
She passed on the order and hung up the phone. Awkwardly, she sat down on the edge of the bed. “So why are your parents driving you crazy?”
Dan picked up the wine bottle and gave it to her. “Because they’re treating me like a little child.”
“You mean to say you aren’t?” She took a drink of the wine.
“No. Not anymore.” Dan took the bottle from Lynn and gulped down some more wine before giving it back to her. “I just have to make it through this high school year. Consider me gone after that.”
“Gone?”
“Yup. I think I’d like to travel around. See the United States.”
“Why aren’t you doing that right now?”
Dan made a dismissive gesture. “I’m still a senior.”
“You failed your exams?”
“Something like that.”
“Something like that?”
“Yeah, something like that! Jesus, why the third degree?”
Lynn pressed her lips down into a line. “You know, you don’t have to be here,” she finally managed to say. Before he could reply to that, there was a short rap at the door. Dan got up and opened the door, taking a tray of food from one of the guys working for room service. He closed the door with his shoulder and sat down next to her, putting the tray in front of them.
“What about you?”
“What about me?” Lynn reached for the lid covering the plates on the tray, and her fingers touched Dan’s as he wanted to do the same. Quickly, she pulled back and let him take the lid off.
As usual, the nachos looked fantastic. An enormous pile of tortilla chips towered on her plate, topped off with a creamy sauce, bell pepper strips, and onion rings. A thick layer of melted cheese was holding everything together.