by Marie Harte
“Oh, sorry.”
He tensed, but she kept her hand on his, squeezing for support. “Then my mom started crying. I hate tears.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. She said she lost a daughter as much as I lost a wife. And that it hasn’t been easy watching me…watching me bury myself. I mean, hell, I lost the woman I loved. I think three years before dating again is acceptable.”
“Wow. No sex for three years. Didn’t think you had it in you.”
“Well, I was kind of numb for a long time. Numb and tired. Colin was a little pain in the ass for years. Never slept through the night, and when he was teething, forget it.” He smiled, recalling his son as a baby. “But so cute.”
“Braggart.” She smiled with him. “So finish.”
“Anyway, Mom cried, made me feel awful, like I was a loser because I wanted to be with you and not Grace. I set her straight.” He abridged most of the conversation. “Told her we were great friends, dating, and that was that.”
“In summation, you told her we’re fuck-buddies and she needs to deal.”
I love Del, he’d said. Oh man. He did. He totally loved her. “No, not ‘fuck-buddies,’” he corrected in a lowered voice. “You know I hate when you use that word.”
“Because we’re girlfriend and boyfriend.”
“Yeah.”
She sighed. “Okay, I guess. You can’t blame your mom for wanting something good for you. Six years is a long time to mourn. Trust me, I know. I’ve watched my dad do it for even longer.”
“It’s hard.” He felt her fingers stroking his. “Especially because the pain keeps it fresh.”
“What fresh?”
“The feeling.” He wanted her to understand. “After a while, memories blur. It’s hard to see Lea’s face unless I look at her picture. When I see her, I feel her. The way I used to feel her. She died giving birth to Colin. She never got to see him grow. To watch him hold snakes and sleep over with Brian.” He gripped her fingers. “I feel so guilty I have that and she doesn’t. I couldn’t do anything to help her at the end, and it still hurts.”
“It would with you,” she murmured. “You’re a protector. And you loved her.”
My soul mate. Yet as he saw Del’s sympathy, shared in their truths and pain, he wondered… Did McCauleys only truly love once? Because what he felt for Del far surpassed simple affection or mind-blowing lust.
“You know, it’s okay to put her picture where you can see it all the time. Maybe not in the bedroom though, cause that would be creepy, me kissing you while that picture is watching.”
He blinked at her. “Huh?”
“Reminding yourself that you loved her isn’t wrong, Mike. It’s only my opinion, but I’ve found that avoiding pain doesn’t make it go away. Not dealing with it only makes it worse.” She paused. “Did you ever learn to deal with it? Therapy or anything?”
“Hell no.” He’d thrown out more books on therapy than he could count. His mother, aunts, uncles, brothers, hell, even his father had tried to get him to see someone. As if Mike needed to cry in front of a stranger to make his broken world all better. “I just needed time. What about you?”
“Nah. We didn’t have money for a shrink. My excuse is more valid. We were poor.”
He shook his head. “So time to heal isn’t a good excuse?”
“It’s been six years and you’re still messed up. What do you think?” Trust Del not to sugarcoat anything.
Yet he loved—liked—her so much for that brutal honesty. He glanced at the TV again, wanting to stop feeling so confused about her. “You know, all this caring and sharing is nice, but if you’re done playing a shrink, can we find out who murdered the rich guy?”
She frowned at him. “Hey, you’re the one who wanted to know the secret behind my heinous scarring.”
“I never called it heinous. Ugly and off-putting sure. But heinous?”
She tried not to smile.
“Ha! I see that grin. Now shut up and watch with me. But after you check on the boys. I did it last time, and trust me, silence is not golden. Usually means they’re up to no good.”
“Fine.” She stood and stopped by the hallway.
“What?”
“You aren’t going to be all weepy since we just talked about Lea, are you? I find grown men crying to be kind of pathetic.”
“Back at ya, Scarface.”
“It’s my arm, buttwipe.” She flipped him the bird and patted her forearm bearing the scar, then went searching for trouble.
By her shocked, “What the hell did you do to Hyde?” in addition to the barking and screaming of small boys, she’d found some.
***
Mike didn’t know how the hell she’d done it, but Del had convinced him to hang a picture of Lea in the hallway, at Colin’s height. Delighted to see his mother anytime he wanted, and no longer limited to his nightstand to see her picture, Colin danced around and proclaimed Del his favorite person. Not Mike, but Del, as if the kid knew she’d had influence.
They decided to go to Green Lake for a kid festival on Sunday, and Del drove them in her GTO, now not so cool with the booster seat in the back, which he’d helpfully pointed out.
“Shut it. The car is cool with or without a booster seat.”
“With, Del. I’m cool,” Colin added.
“Yes, you are. Because you’re not a backseat driver, like your dad.”
“He’s in the front seat,” Colin corrected with confusion.
“And not driving,” she said with relish. “You know, Mike, now I get your thing with keeping your house clean. Like always having to drive or have the clicker. It’s a control thing.”
“What? Because I like to drive and appreciate a clean house?” He leaned closer to her, wishing she had a bench and not bucket seats. “I’m not always controlling.” He grinned at her blush, recalling exactly how she’d ridden him last night. “Am I?”
“We’re here.” She pulled into a lucky available spot in one of the park’s lots and they got out.
“Okay, Colin. Stay close. It’s crowded here.”
They spent the afternoon having fun. Colin played on the playground for a while, had his face painted to match Del’s, with matching paw prints, and ate cotton candy like it was going out of style. He shared it with Del, his partner in crime.
They looked so damn cute together, Del and Colin, sharing blue death on a stick, walking together hand in hand. He took a few photos on his phone when Del wasn’t watching. Then he carried Colin on his shoulders while he and Del walked around the park, taking in the gorgeous spring day and the ducks quacking for bread crumbs.
The day came to a close as vendors shut down and the evening brought a light indigo blanket of color, interspersed with reds and purples, not a cloud in sight.
“Look, Dad, like cotton candy in the sky. I wish it was real. Then I’d eat it all.”
“You and Del.” Mike squeezed her sticky hand in his. He lifted her fingers to his mouth and sucked, then grinned when he heard her breathing speed up. “Hmm. Sugar.”
She laughed.
“Dad? A few more swings, please?”
Most of the cars had cleared out, and Mike had to use the facilities. So he left the boy with Del while he took care of things.
He returned to the playground, looking for Del and Colin. He didn’t see them, until he looked at the parking lot, where Colin was bent over something he couldn’t make out.
Del yelled at him, “Colin, come back here. There are too many cars around.”
The main lot had enough movement to be troublesome. Not everyone had gone home yet, and the darkening shadows made visibility poorer.
“Colin, move,” he yelled as he drew closer. And then it happened.
A car moving too fast too far away zoomed toward Colin.
Mike started running, but he could only watch in slow motion as Del shoved Colin away and took a hit. Hard. The car screeched to a stop, but not before it knocked her back. She fell and hit her
head. And didn’t move.
Colin lay crying near a tiny puppy, mewing for its mother.
People swarmed as Mike reached the accident. He gathered Colin in his arms, wanting to get to Del but unable to ignore his son.
“Daddy,” he sobbed. “Daddy, I’m scared.”
“Shh, it’s all right. I’m here.” Colin seemed okay except for a bent wrist that was either broken or sprained. He had to get to Del. He lifted Colin and quickly moved to her, then set his boy down.
Someone had called an ambulance, he heard that. But he couldn’t take his gaze from her. She lay unmoving, blood on her temple. The rest of her looked at peace, as if sleeping. But…
“Del?” He moved closer, trying to see if she’d broken anything. “Del, honey, wake up.” She didn’t move.
“I’m a nurse, let me through.” Someone joined him on the ground by her and took Del’s limp wrist her hand. “She’s a little thready. What happened?”
“Car hit her.” Mike glanced from Del to Colin, completely freaked. “She saved my son.”
“She did,” another guy said. “Pushed the kid away when the car would have hit him.”
“I didn’t see her.” A teenage girl stood by them, shaky and crying. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t see her or him. I was going home and I didn’t see them.”
While someone comforted the girl, Mike knelt by Del’s side with Colin, praying she’d wake up. Out of his mind with worry that she wouldn’t.
Oh God. What if she didn’t?
Chapter 21
“I told you like sixteen billion times. I’m fine.” Del winced as her head throbbed.
“Yeah, I can see that.” Her father and brother stood by the hospital bed, neither listening in the slightest. “You have a concussion. You’re staying until they release you.”
She groaned. For four hours she’d been dealing with this crap. She had work to do. And tomorrow would suck without her at the garage. Mondays were the worst. “But that’s like two days.”
“Or three,” J.T. corrected, “if the nurse thinks you need it. So relax and kick back. And no funny stuff.”
“What?”
“With Romeo. Mike’s wearing a hole in the hallway. Been pacing like crazy.”
“At least Colin’s okay.” The boy had a sprained wrist from the way he’d landed, but better that than a blasted headache that wouldn’t go away. “From what I gather, he and I scared that teenager more than she scared us.”
“Poor kid.” Liam shook his head. “Oh, and that scrawny mutt Colin nearly died over? Mike grabbed it. Colin wouldn’t stop crying, so he took it with him when they followed the ambulance over.” Liam paused. “He’s really shaken up.”
“He should be. That shit hurt.” She touched the bandage on her forehead and winced. “Well? Get him.”
“They said they didn’t want too many people in here because you—” At her glare, J.T. sighed. “But I’ll go get him for you right now.”
J.T. left to fetch Mike, and Liam watched her with concern. “You sure you’re okay?”
“I’ll be better once this headache goes away. What did they give me?”
“I heard Vicodin. Lucky lucky.”
She grinned, tried to sit up, and moved too fast. Not good.
“Guess you pulled a few muscles getting banged up, too. But nothing broken. Just contusions,” her father clarified.
She’d been awake since the ambulance ride, fully conscious of everything. No memory loss, and her CT scans looked fine. Yet she had to stay in this death trap for another two days.
The door opened, and a withdrawn Mike entered. Liam waved J.T. out and followed him, leaving her with Mike, alone.
“You okay? I heard everything’s good except for some bruising and that hard head of yours.” He tried to smile, but he looked grim.
“Relax, Mike. It’s just a headache.”
He walked toward her, reached out to touch her, then pulled back. “You look like shit.”
“Gee, thanks.”
He blew out a breath and rubbed his eyes. “You went down so hard, so fast. I was too far away.”
She’d had a split second to make the decision. She hadn’t needed even that. Colin had been in danger. She’d done her utmost to save him, no question.
Her time spent reflecting after the accident had made an impression. It could have gone so very wrong. A life she wanted slipping away in a heartbeat. A life with Mike and Colin.
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Colin heard something, went to investigate, and found a lost puppy. You know your kid. He had to console it even though I told him to wait for me. The little animal lover.”
Mike still wasn’t smiling. Oh boy.
“When’s the last time you were in a hospital?” she asked.
“Guess.”
Lea. “Ah. Right.”
“Damn it,” he swore. “You could have been killed!”
“I know. I was there.”
“You saved Colin. I can never thank you enough for that.”
She frowned. He sounded…distant.
“Mike, relax. It’s over.”
“You shouldn’t have done that.”
“Saved Colin?” He was acting really weird. Maybe he’d been hit in the head too. “What are you talking about?”
“I mean, he’s not even yours. Imagine dying for somebody else’s kid.” He paced. “It was a fun weekend. Just the three of us having a great time. And then that stupid dog…”
“It wasn’t the dog.” Somebody else’s kid. She had to remember that.
Once again, reality came crashing down and she landed…hard. Colin didn’t belong to her. And it seemed that perhaps Mike didn’t either.
“Mike, look at me.” She waited for him to make eye contact. The pain in his gaze hurt her. “I could have died.”
He grew still. “I know.” A whisper, and so much anguish in those two words.
“But I didn’t,” she added gently. “It makes you think, you know? Getting that close to the edge. Makes you realize what’s important.” After what had happened, she knew she needed to take a big step. Life was too short not to take a risk, right? She’d been burned so many times before, this had to work, if just by the probability of her finally getting lucky. “I think we’re important. I love you, Mike.”
He looked shell-shocked. “I… I…”
“Do you love me?”
He stared at her, seeming so lost, so hopeless. “Del, this isn’t the time. You’re hurt, Colin’s hurt. I should have been there.”
A no then. Why was she always surprised? “God, this guilt complex is giving me a headache.” That and the concussion. “Lea’s dead. I’m alive. So are you.” She’d try just once more. Let him tell her no to her face. Confronting problems head-on—the Webster way. “What’s it going to be, Mike?”
“What’s it going to be? What’s what going to be?” He threw up his hands, playing stupid. “Are the pain meds messing with your head? You could have died, Delilah. They won’t let you go home in case you have a brain bleed the CT scan missed! It’s not like you bumped your knee. You almost fucking died.”
Did he think repeating it would give her dire situation any greater impact? Angry at him, and at herself for pushing too hard when neither of them were ready for the truth, she answered with bite, “Yeah, I did. But you’ve been dead for the past six years, just pretending to live in some giant pity party because Lea’s gone. Buddy, open your eyes. You have a shot at happiness right now.”
“Of course, that happiness is you,” he scoffed. “Del, this is stupid. We can talk about this when you’re better.”
The rejection hit her where the pain meds didn’t. So dismissive. So insulting for her to think she could ever fill a part of him his precious Lea had once satisfied. “You know what? You’re right. This is stupid. Go home to Colin, Mike.”
He frowned and took a step forward. “You okay? You don’t look good.”
“I know. I look like shit. Just go. I�
��m tired and my head hurts.” She closed her eyes, then slit one open a fraction to see him dithering, unsure of whether to stay or go. He put his hand on the bed, so close to her foot but not touching. Then he pulled back and left without a word.
She didn’t want to cry, because God knew she’d had messier breakups than this. But after how amazing her life had become, she had a hard time knowing she’d barely scratched the surface with Mike, and it was over. But better now than months down the line, when he realized he could do so much better than a mechanic without a tenth of the class of a McCauley.
Hell, she should have told him from the get-go they could be fuck-buddies or no buddies—with no room for in-between.
Tired and aching and wounded deep, where the scar had never healed, she let the tears fall and surrendered to sleep.
***
Mike spent the next few days aware of Del’s progress but far away from her side. She didn’t want to see him, her cousin had insisted, though Del had given Colin a brief visit as soon as she’d left the hospital. She’d exclaimed over his “war wound” and showed him her bandaged head. To Mike, she remained cool, and he couldn’t blame her. She probably needed as much space as he did. She could have been killed while saving his son, something he should have done.
He worked like a dog to exorcise his demons that refused to go away. The way he normally handled the troublesome times in his life. Colin, taken care of by his doting grandma and new aunts, thrived with his puppy. The raggedy thing pulled as much sympathy as Colin’s wrist brace. And Colin was playing up the pity card for as much as he could. He’d done Brody proud.
Mike couldn’t feel much of anything but relief that Del and Colin remained alive and well. It was as if his mind had gone into shutdown mode to cope, the way it had with Lea. He could function, working hard, feigning that he felt fine to his family and Colin, caring for the boy when Colin came home for the night. He’d let Colin sleep with him the past few evenings, but he’d sent the boy to Grandma’s for the weekend, needing some time to recover.
He left a message for his mother to call his cell if she needed him and went out. Time to get a workout in, because the job hadn’t given him the release he needed. He was strung out. He couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. He missed Del so much he ached, but he couldn’t get over her near brush with death. Couldn’t see himself going down that road again, knowing he’d never recover from losing her.