Seventeen
Now
On the days when Syd and Max were at school, Tabitha was busy tackling the back garden, ready to start hosting some yoga days. Today, she’d spent several hours tackling the brambles and had filled a multitude of garden-waste bags, but as she was dealing with an area the size of a field, she’d made little impact over the course of a couple of weeks. It was nice to be doing it, though. Physical activities helped to silence her thoughts; the ones that kept tapping away at her however hard she tried to ignore them. In an extra effort to stop those thoughts from getting louder, Tabitha got out her yoga mat to get some exercise in the sunshine. She’d had images of using the expanse of land as an outdoor teaching area once she’d finished training as a yoga instructor.
Footsteps soon invaded the zone of zen she’d discovered.
‘What are you doing?’ Syd asked.
‘Technically speaking it’s a downward facing dog.’ Tabitha pulled herself out of the position. ‘I didn’t hear the school bus.’
‘They sent me home early.’
Tabitha gave up any attempts to harness calm. ‘How did you get back? Aren’t they supposed to ring me? My dad would have picked you up.’
‘I got the bus to Birchington and then walked.’
‘Are you okay? Why have they sent you home?’
‘Just period stuff.’
‘Oh. Do you have everything you need? Do you want any pain relief?’ It was a subject that hadn’t come up until now and Tabitha realised it was a silly oversight on her behalf not to be more prepared. She couldn’t help feeling like a failure.
‘Nah, I’ve already sorted that stuff. You can teach me some yoga poses if you like. They’ll help, won’t they?’
‘They should do. They always help my muscle aches. Child’s pose is a good one. There’s another mat near the coat stand.’
Tabitha waited with a frown on her face. It didn’t seem right that Syd hadn’t sought out her help and she didn’t like the idea of her travelling back on public transport alone without letting her know.
‘Here we go. I’ve always wanted to try yoga.’
‘I’ve been doing it for years. It helps keep me centred. It’s helped me since Andy died.’ It hurt to say it out loud, but Tabitha needed to be more open about her past. She got into a kneeling position and keeping her bottom back on her heels, she stretched forward demonstrated the child’s pose that Syd might find helpful.
Syd copied. For a while they both stayed in position, stretching out muscles and taking measured breaths. It was a shame it took Syd being sent home for this bonding moment to happen. Yoga was Tabitha’s thing. She’d not really thought about it being something either of the twins would like to join in with.
Next she moved into the position she’d been in when Syd had unexpectedly arrived. Syd mirrored the pose with little need for instruction. There wasn’t as much give in her hamstrings, so her position wasn’t perfect, but given enough attempts she’d master it.
Their peace was disturbed by Tabitha’s landline ringing. It was tempting to ignore it, but if it was the school calling with a more enlightening account of why Syd was home, she wanted to hear it.
‘I’ll go and get it. Go back into the stretch if that position gets too much,’ Tabitha said as she rushed to pick up the phone.
‘Tabitha, it’s Julie.’
‘Hi. Is everything okay?’ Maybe the school had contacted social services first.
‘Yes, everything’s fine. I just needed to find out if you’d considered the placement we discussed a few weeks ago. If so, it could be happening this week.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes. I’ll be in to see you tomorrow at ten. You can let me know then if we’ve got a green light.’
‘Right. Okay.’ Tabitha’s heart skipped a beat. Could she really end up with a baby as quickly as that? The thought thrilled and frightened her all at the same time, sending a flush of adrenalin through her core.
‘I’ll see you then,’ Julie said, before ringing off.
Syd had come in from the garden, a look of concern lingering on her features. ‘Everything okay?’
‘Er, yeah, I think so.’ It struck Tabitha that, for a change, she had Syd to herself, giving her the chance to ask the question without her sister by her side. ‘It was about the placement. Julie wanted to know if we’d decided on whether we were happy to have a baby with us. What do you think?’
‘Really? That’s a bit quick, isn’t it?’
‘It is, but they did give us some warning. Not all placements come with that.’ The decision about having Syd and Max to stay had been made within less than twenty-four hours. ‘So what do you think?’
‘What do you think? What do you want?’ Syd turned the question on her.
Tabitha shrugged. ‘I want to help where I can.’ She wasn’t sure what Syd wanted to hear, but she knew her role as a foster carer would extend beyond these two girls.
‘If it’ll make you happy, I guess it’ll be cool. It’s not like it’s the same as last time. As long as you don’t expect me to do any nappies.’ Syd stood awkwardly in the doorway. Perhaps because of her tummy cramps.
‘That’ll be my job. Julie is popping by tomorrow. I’ll talk to her about it more then.’ Tabitha’s heart was fluttering. The fact that Syd might be on side meant this was a real possibility. ‘Are you okay?’ she asked.
‘Yeah, I just thought… Never mind.’
This was one of those moments were Tabitha wished communication would open up… That they’d both say the things they really needed to. Even Syd’s readiness to say yes to the placement was making Tabitha wonder whether that was what Syd really wanted. She certainly wasn’t sharing everything that was on her mind.
‘I’m going to lie down,’ Syd said.
‘Okay. Well, shout if you need anything.’
It was moments like this when she missed having her best friend to talk to. Once upon a time she would have rung Melissa to talk through what was going on. But she’d walked away from her old life for very good reasons. Not every friendship was destined to have a happy ending.
Tabitha took her mobile phone off charge and switched it on. Any thoughts about potentially fostering a baby were overcast by the number of notifications that pinged on her phone. When they stopped, the missed calls from the school seemed like they should take priority. Tabitha dialled through to her answerphone messages, her jaw falling open as she realised there was so much more to be worrying about.
Rushing to Syd’s room, Tabitha didn’t even bother with the politeness of knocking.
‘Syd, where’s Max?’
The window was open.
Syd was gone.
Eighteen
Then
Being slightly drunk seemed to be the right state to be in for Tabitha to tackle the thing she’d been avoiding. Slipping away from the wake had been an easy decision. It seemed wrong to see so many people she barely knew in black, mourning her husband.
She was using the torch on her phone to make sure she didn’t break her ankle. It was strange to be wandering along the curved country lane from the pub towards Owerstock Farm and the cottage that had been her home. It was such a familiar route, one that she’d staggered along countless times from the weekly pub quiz, only now it was different. The night before Andy passed away had seen to that. It was only because she was slightly inebriated that doing this now seemed like a wise option. She just wanted it done.
One of the advantages of the stone cottage had been its closeness to the local pub. It was easy to find memories of Andy here on this path. There were Sunday evening walks back home after enjoying a roast and a bottle of wine. There were echoes of laughter in the air and a fizz of anticipation as they rolled home together hand in hand. How badly that was now tainted by the night before he’d gone. There were different memories here now. It made her want to turn back time and for it all to be different.
It had been so easy to love Andy, even if life hadn�
�t seemed perfect. They’d both been working too hard and there had never been enough hours to quite be where they wanted to be. It was only on reflection that Tabitha knew they’d been as close to perfect as it was ever going to get. If only she’d fully appreciated it at the time.
Tabitha switched off the torch on her phone as she reached the semi-detached cottages. The lights in the adjoining house were on, which meant her sister-in-law was already home.
It was okay though. She was well practised at avoiding Danielle. That was one of the things about living with family so nearby… If she was honest, there had been times when she’d put the bins out in stealth mode in order to avoid having to see her sister-in-law. Danielle always had a habit of asking Tabitha to do something for her before even asking how she was.
As quietly as possible, Tabitha managed to make her way into the house that no longer felt like her home. Up until now, Tabitha had been totally unable to face coming inside. The truth of that day, of what had happened, was now part of the tapestry of this place. These walls knew the truth and they were shouting it out.
She’d hoped she’d be able to find comfort in all the things they’d had before. Moving slowly through each part of the house, she tried to tune her senses into happier times. But Andy’s record collection was dormant without him, his favourite mug unused, and his fleece hung flaccidly on its hook, as if it knew it no longer had purpose. The whole house pointed to the absence of life.
Even though she didn’t want to, Tabitha next braved going upstairs to venture into the bedroom.
It was funny how a home was able to take on the scent of a person. Tabitha took in a breath and the sandalwood undertones were so reminiscent of Andy. She wanted to bottle that smell. With it her head was filled with a hundred good memories. The memories that she wanted to keep.
But being here also reminded her of the moments she wanted to forget. The ones she wasn’t able to undo. The ones she regretted, but would never get the chance to make right.
Because what if she was responsible? What if she had noticed? Would those minutes have made a difference to the outcome? Would her husband still be here if she hadn’t been so selfishly wrapped up in her world and her thoughts about what Toby had said? She’d still not been able to fathom if what he’d said about Michelle was true. And what did it matter when it would never change what had happened?
For a moment, overwhelmed, Tabitha sat on her side of the bed. That was as far as she was able to go. She wasn’t able to bring herself to slip under the covers or to venture over to Andy’s side and recall what it was to be embraced by him. There was far too much heartache lying under this duvet. Despite all the reassurances about there being nothing she could have done, it didn’t make her feel any better. There should have been some intrinsic twinning of their souls that alerted the other when something was wrong. She should have woken startled in the middle of the night and known that the love of her life needed help.
However hard getting through this tragedy would be, the hardest thing was always going to be forgiving herself.
‘I’m sorry,’ Tabitha said out loud. It was an apology both to Andy and the house, to the memories that they shared. ‘You know I can’t stay.’
She wasn’t sure what kind of afterlife she believed in. She wasn’t sure if Andy was sitting up on a cloud somewhere or if his soul was wandering around the house. Wherever it was, she hoped he was going to watch over her from now on. Given how life had treated her, she was sure she was due a guardian angel.
The thought was a comfort and reminded her of the reason she was here. It fuelled Tabitha to go over to their shared wardrobe.
There were so many things in the house that were theirs, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to face going through all of it yet. Her dad had already been kind enough to collect the stuff she needed for now. He’d also promised to help clear the house when she was ready. She already knew she was going to take him up on the offer.
When the time came, she would let Andy’s family take what they wanted to remember him. There were a few things she would put away in storage, but on the whole she was happy for the house to be cleared, ready for the next person who would live there.
From the wardrobe she gathered five of Andy’s padded shirts. They were the ones he wore during the winter months when he was outside enduring all weathers. They were the shirts that he sweated in and laboured in, wearing them so often in places they’d aged and become patchy. Tabitha had always loved them. They had a special quality about them that made cuddles more snuggly, but they were also reflective of Andy as a person: gentle and purposeful. Hard and yet soft. A contradiction, perhaps? But that was because Andy had always been much more than she’d expected.
Tabitha carted the thick shirts downstairs and found a bag to put them in. There was the temptation to traipse around every room and see if there was anything else she wanted to keep or anything that she would end up needing. But her instincts told her not to. Not today. Not when today was supposed to be a goodbye and all she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and pretend her husband was still there.
With the shirts, she planned to have some cushions made up. She’d seen them advertised… A personalised piece of comfort. She would remember the way he made her laugh and in the absence of his shoulder to cry on, his shirts would do the job.
The cushions, once they were made, would be the first step of the new start. The first item that would belong to her new hygge house. She wasn’t sure where that would end up being, but she knew one thing for certain as she stood in the darkened corridor: this was no longer home.
She had never been entirely sure if she suited this place anyway. It wasn’t big enough. It would never have accommodated the family Tabitha and Andy had craved, the family they’d dreamed of. And now, there was no hope of that dream becoming a reality.
It wasn’t home. Home is where the heart is and now Andy was gone, she was lost.
In the darkness, angry words haunted her. She’d not told anyone the real version of what had happened, but here, the walls of this place knew. The questions that had been asked bounced round like an echo she’d never catch a hold of.
As she quietly closed the door behind her and creeped down the path, Tabitha didn’t look back to say goodbye. Sometimes goodbyes weren’t hard when it meant leaving a place that had left you broken.
Nineteen
Now
Tabitha didn’t bother putting Lofty on his lead as they headed out in search of Syd and Max.
‘Go find them. Go find your girlies.’
Lofty sniffed his way along the route and Tabitha hoped he’d pick up on their scent. She wasn’t holding out much hope as he’d never before found anything in all his explorations of these countryside lanes.
Syd hadn’t been in her room alone for long so she wouldn’t have got far. There was one obvious place for Tabitha to check so she looped round past the garage into the field.
‘Everything okay?’ Lewis asked as she rushed by.
‘I don’t know where the girls are.’
‘Do you want some help? I’ll just need to finish what I’m doing.’
‘I’m going to check the field. If they’re not there then I will.’
Not waiting for a reply, Tabitha rushed around the corner.
There were all sorts of questions and concerns running through her head. It wasn’t the first time they’d done this, but this time it felt more dishonest. As if they were doing it in order to hide something from her… The fact they’d both skived off school for starters.
She was reminded of all the missing appeals she used to see on Facebook. Often the phrase ‘out of character’ was used. It made Tabitha wonder if it was even possible to know someone’s character when they’d only been in her care for a short period. She wouldn’t have thought Syd would lie to her, but while she’d been copying yoga poses, she must have known Max was missing.
There were no obvious signs of occupation in the field, no teenagers on hay b
ales. Tabitha was about to exit, but Lofty continued on without her.
‘Come on, Lofty.’ The last thing she needed was the dog slowing her down.
But Lofty ignored her, barking when he was close to the tall hedges. It really wasn’t the time for him to be after another rat, especially when he never managed to catch them.
When Tabitha followed and thought for a moment that he might be proving his worth and earning his dog biscuits for once, it turned out he was chasing nothing. He’d not led her to any teenagers. Instead, there was a little alcove within the bushes that nature had provided, although perhaps its shape had been helped by someone hiding in there. The bottom of the gap was filled with paper as if someone had been building a nest. Only there were no animals in sight other than Lofty who was sniffing these quarters vigorously.
It reminded her of her old home at Overstock Farm where the fields provided little nooks and crannies that she’d find with Andy when they went out to explore.
‘Any joy?’ Lewis had caught up with her.
‘I should be so lucky. I’m going to have to call Julie.’ It seemed like admitting defeat, but if the girls were playing truant and running away it wasn’t behaviour that she was able to brush off.
Lofty started pestering at the hole again.
‘Have they left food there?’ Tabitha wondered out loud.
Tabitha moved closer to check out the paper that had been abandoned there. She didn’t like littering and often found herself picking up after others on her walks around these country lanes. She’d be especially displeased if the girls were taking supplies from her house and turning it into rubbish.
Everything (ARC) Page 8