Tabitha realised she’d missed seeing Lewis. In the same way that he checked in on his mother, they tended to also check on each other.
The emotion she’d felt in the early hours of the morning edged in on her as she thought about her answer. ‘I’m wondering if I’m cut out for it, really.’
‘Of course you are… You’ve worked so hard for this. Come here.’ Lewis took her into a hug.
The embrace was too welcome for her fraught emotions. ‘Don’t do that. You’ll either set me off crying or I’ll fall asleep on your shoulder.’ Tabitha pulled away from the hug she wanted more than she should.
‘Are you getting any sleep?’
‘Not much.’
‘You’ll have to let me or Mum know if you need any help. I’m sure between us we’d be able to look after her for a few hours so you can catch up on sleep. Mum went and stayed with my sister when my niece was born and she had her husband there and still needed a hand.’
‘Dad has said the same. I just wanted to spend this first week finding my feet and letting her get used to me. I know she’s only tiny, but she came out of someone else’s womb and now she’s having to get used to a stranger. She won’t remember any of it, but I want to try and do the right thing, whatever that is.’
Lewis made Tabitha a coffee and it was bliss to have it presented to her while Luna was still sleeping. She took a seat and rested her head back, the warm mug nestled safely between her hands.
‘Have you ever thought about having kids?’ she asked Lewis. She realised she didn’t know his feelings on this topic, and tiredness was pushing aside any hesitation over asking.
‘Has my mum not told you my history?’
Tabitha’s head popped up again. ‘No, should she have?’
Lewis chuckled over his mug. ‘I thought she must have filled you in on all the gossip, what with the amount of tea she brought you in those early weeks.’
‘Other than the fact you’re her son and you work at the garage, that’s all the juicy gossip I have on you.’
‘Wow. I’m disappointed. I thought my love life would be the first thing she’d spill.’
Embarrassment at asking her original question began to overtake Tabitha. ‘You don’t need to tell me. We’ve got along this far without me knowing.’
‘There’s not much to tell, really. I married my childhood sweetheart and she wanted kids, and when that didn’t happen, she moved on. Rather than moving back in with my mum, I got the upstairs of the garage converted into this tiny flat you now frequent for coffee.’
‘You must have been young when you married.’
It was dawning on Tabitha that she knew nowhere near enough about her neighbour. She’d somehow missed knowing about rather major elements of his history. She supposed it was only natural, after everything that had happened, to keep anyone new in her life at arm’s length. The treatment her old friends had shown her had made it hard to want to trust anybody, but that wasn’t something that should carry on forever. Not when she liked Lewis more than she cared to freely admit.
‘I was young and foolish. But we live and we learn.’
‘But you’re still young. Unlike me… Old, widowed and fostering to fill the void.’
‘You’re definitely not old, even if lack of sleep might be making you feel otherwise. Drink some more coffee, it’ll reverse the process.’
If Tabitha wasn’t so tired, she might have questioned Lewis further. She was sure there was more to his story, but then if she pried into his, he might want to know more about hers. She decided to change the subject.
‘I needed to check if the girls are where they said they’d be.’
From the window, Tabitha was able to make out their familiar shapes and the relief was pure joy.
‘What are they up to?’
There was a glint of light that came and went, the sun reflecting in a mirror by the looks of things. Maybe they were having beauty sessions out there, although it didn’t seem likely of the girls, who hadn’t shown much interest in that kind of thing.
‘I still haven’t worked it out to be honest. My best guess is they are making crop circles, or learning how to at least.’
‘Will they get in trouble with the landowner?’
‘No, not at all. He’s resting that field this year. The only thing they’re flattening is grass and weeds.’
‘I really hope they’re not being disrespectful to other people’s property. If they wanted to resurface anywhere, they could help with my back garden.’
‘I take it the landscaping plans have come to a halt with the new arrival?’
‘My dad’s helping with it when he can, but I’m not able to do much out there at the moment. I knew fostering Luna would change the pace of life and it’s certainly doing that. I was a fool if I ever thought I’d have the time or the energy to carry on with it. I have the worst nappy-spillage situation spinning in my washing machine.’
‘Sounds delightful.’
‘Believe me when I say it wasn’t.’ Tabitha took a sip of the milky coffee. The caffeine hit was more than welcome.
‘I’ll try and do a bit in the garden for you over the weekends, if work lets me. I can at least clear the back for you.’
‘Thank you, you’re too kind. But I can’t ask you to do that. Especially when I’m currently more tempted by the offer of babysitting.’ Tabitha yawned, her thoughts briefly settling on wanting Lewis to tackle more than just her garden, but she stopped herself short. Even though she fancied Lewis, she’d sworn never to act on it. He was far too many years younger than she was and, after the death of Andy, she’d also decided being a lifelong spinster would suit her down to the ground. She never wanted to experience that level of heartache again. She wouldn’t even want to chance it.
‘Whatever you need… Don’t forget you have a friend just across the road. Call me if you ever need to.’
The statement was almost a little too much with Tabitha’s emotions so charged. It felt like it had been such a long time since she’d had a friend to call on. Once it would have been Melissa and Toby who she’d always relied on, but between them they’d managed to change the way she viewed friendships; even the closest of her friends couldn’t be trusted. It was why she was starting anew.
Right now it felt like she needed a friend more than ever. Rather than pushing her past away as she’d hoped, fostering a baby was bringing it right to the fore. In all the things she’d gained, she kept seeing the things she’d lost.
In an attempt not to all-out sob, Tabitha took another sip of coffee. As she did, Luna opened her lungs with a chorus so loud, even Lewis jumped at the noise.
There was certainly going to be no rest for the wicked.
Twenty-Eight
Now
Since Luna had been in Tabitha’s care, housework had fallen by the wayside. She was just one person and there was only so much she was able to do.
With her slackness, it would seem Syd and Max were following suit. At least judging by the stench coming from Max’s bedroom. There was no way Tabitha was able to leave it for another day.
Opening Max’s door, the pungent waft made her think that perhaps something had gone in there to die. In the teenage mess of bras slung over the back of the chair and textbooks spread across the floor, there wasn’t anything that was easily identifiable as the source of the smell. There were a few abandoned cups and plates but, on checking, none of them were growing any kind of mould.
After removing them, Tabitha knew she needed to delve deeper, even if she didn’t want to. The odour reminded her of curdled milk and locating it using her sense of smell was proving difficult when it had permeated into the fabric of the room.
Under the bed seemed an obvious place and as soon as Tabitha lifted the duvet she was hit with a double-strength waft. It had to be under there.
Tabitha tried not to pay attention to anything other than the task in hand. She didn’t want this to be one of those moments where she found something she’d r
ather not know about. As she moved poorly stacked notepads, she noticed two things. The thing she was here for and a thing she wasn’t.
The odour was being emitted by an abandoned cereal bowl, the contents of which were getting ready to walk out of the room by themselves. The second thing she noticed was an opened sketchbook of drawings. Every single page had the same, or very similar, drawing. They were each of the same girl… The same portrait Lewis had found on the piece of paper in the field.
Seeing these made Tabitha realise who it must be: Jolie. The surprise baby girl their adoptive parents had had and whose existence had eventually resulted in the twins’ expulsion.
The vivid images had so much detail that they were almost lifelike. Max really did have quite the talent. Each of the portraits had a rawness about them, making Tabitha sad on Max’s behalf. It would seem Max’s way of communicating wasn’t with words and each of these images told a tale of loss and mourning in a way that Tabitha would never hope to be able to express.
Why hadn’t she seen it? Of course they would be hurting. All the teenage bravado was hiding it well, but here it was in unadulterated lines of graphite.
They too had suffered loss. She just didn’t know how to fix it.
Sibling Love
The hardest love can be the type that is not given, but assumed. The type that is meant to be there, that you have little choice over. It is such a fragile kind of love that it can spark hate. One moment you are the best of friends, the next you’ve gone and done the wrong thing. Love and hate, hate and love. It is a spindled web of years together that is so intricately woven, if you’re lucky, you’ll never want it to break.
Twenty-Nine
Now
Leaving the house had become nigh-on an impossible task. Tabitha was on her second nappy change in the last five minutes. Every time she thought she had it down to a tee, Luna would send her off course. It was as if Luna knew what Tabitha was up to and was foiling all attempts to do anything practical. All Tabitha wanted to do was send a postcard to Ted and Anne, and have a chat with Lewis.
It was nice to get out despite all the effort. Normally it would be an everyday occurrence to walk Lofty, but her father had offered on the occasions he was over gardening and often it had been easier to say yes and let him do the honours. Today she was determined that she would be the one to walk the daft dog and she was giving the baby sling a go for the first time.
Tabitha was surprised to find there was a young man at the gate as she came out and locked the door. She was in such a remote place, that even the postman stopped by in a van and there were very few people about these parts who she didn’t know. It was unusual to find strangers about here. Not even the Jehovah’s Witnesses ventured this deep into the countryside.
‘Are you okay there?’ Tabitha placed a hand over Luna’s head and cursed the fact she’d locked the door already. She wanted to be able to get back indoors quickly if she needed to.
‘Hi there. Carl, journalist from the Thanet Herald. Can you tell me anything about the message over the road?’
‘What message?’ As far as Tabitha was concerned there was only the garage over there. She could spot Lewis too. She headed in his direction.
Why would a reporter turn up on her doorstep? And what message was he talking about?
‘Can you answer a few questions for me?’ Carl followed.
Lofty growled.
‘Not until I’ve seen some kind of ID.’ Tabitha’s main concern was that this man might pose a threat to Luna or the girls. What if it was Luna’s father suddenly making an appearance? At least if she headed to Lewis she would be under some kind of protection.
‘Lewis!’ Tabitha hoped he’d be perceptive enough to take note of the distress in her voice.
Fortunately he looked up straightaway.
‘Does this man own the field? Does he have anything to say about the message?’ Carl asked.
‘What’s going on?’ Lewis placed his hands on his hips, oiled rag in hand.
‘Carl from the Thanet Herald. Just wanting to ask a few questions. Do you know who the message is intended for?’
‘What message are you on about?’ Lewis asked.
‘The one in the field. I have a business card in my wallet.’ Carl pulled a folded leather wallet out of the top of his navy polyester jacket. The suit he was wearing appeared to be two sizes too large and was only secured onto his skinny frame by his belt. ‘Here you go.’
Lewis took the faded piece of card. ‘This doesn’t prove anything though, does it? And you still haven’t explained what you’re on about.’
‘Look, either you know something about it or you don’t. There’s no need to get narky.’
Lofty barked at the guy, still not happy about his presence.
Luna stirred in her sling, her initial mewing turning into strangled cat-like cries.
It turned out the combined sound of dog and cat was exactly the deterrent required.
‘Alright. You’ll find out soon enough anyway. Keep my card in case you change your mind and want to talk to me.’
‘What was that all about?’ Lewis asked after they’d watched him walk away and pull off in his vehicle.
Tabitha washed her hands and used her little finger to temporarily soothe Luna. ‘I’ve no idea. He was on about a message in the field. It’s obviously something to do with the girls. I hope they haven’t done anything stupid.’
Lewis wiped his hands on the rag he was holding. ‘They’ve just been sitting out there. Why would the local newspaper want anything to do with that?’
‘Are they out there now?’
‘They were last time I checked. If they heard any of that they might have scarpered. Especially if they’ve got themselves in trouble. Shall we go and check?’
Tabitha sighed before nodding. She’d had about three hours sleep and it was not an adequate amount to be dealing with this.
‘I’ll make you a coffee. I think I need to get you a travel mug so you can pick one up whenever you’re passing.’
‘I’d be your best customer if you did. It’s not like there’s a Starbucks within walking distance.’
‘You are my best customer. Full stop.’ Lewis said it with a wink that left Tabitha blushing. She must be tired. She was far too old to be getting excited about winks from someone ten years her junior.
Tabitha went straight to the window when they got upstairs, to find that yet again the girls were amusing themselves in the field. They didn’t seem to have a care in the world down there. ‘What does he mean about a message?’
Lewis shrugged. ‘We can’t see the whole field from here…’
‘I hope they haven’t added graffiti to the back of the garage.’ Tabitha thought back to their first night and how those antics had almost landed them in hot water.
‘I think there’s only one way of finding out. We’re going to have to go and have a look, even if it means they realise we know it’s their hidey-hole.’
Tabitha nodded, every part of her feeling weary. She’d only wanted to send a postcard to Ted and Anne. They lived in Spain now and as promised she kept them up to date with how things were going. Along with her father, they were the only link she had to her former life. She’d written to them to tell them about Luna. She wanted to tell them how life was working out. That even though she no longer had their son by her side, she was managing to create a family of her own. It was a postcard-perfect life if she only included snippets.
If only the words on the card were the truth. If only she could be honest with someone and tell the whole truth rather than only sharing snippets. But unlike Max, she wasn’t brave enough to draw a true portrait, worried it might show up all her flaws.
Thirty
Then
This was going to be the last time. There had been a lot of last times recently and in a strange way, Tabitha was glad to be stacking them up. Last times meant soon she would be able to move onto first times.
It was funny how life evolved.
Seeing Andy’s parents had helped make so many of the steps she needed to take easier.
Since it had happened, she’d felt so impossibly broken. There had been emptiness, but now there was a mounting fire in her belly. She was still consumed with grief, but there was also an energy building that was calling for the next phase of her life.
The only way to get there was to deal with her past. There may be parts she wanted to run away from, but that wasn’t possible without dealing with some of the practicalities. However much passing the baton over to her dad was tempting, there were some things she was going to have to do for herself. Getting the cottage on the market was a simple enough hurdle. But being back there on the doorstep was bringing on all sorts of emotions.
With a deep breath she cleared the post from the doormat and didn’t have long to consider the musty smell before David, the estate agent, arrived at the door. At least odours didn’t show on photos.
‘I’ve not long arrived. Hopefully it’s tidy enough for the pictures.’ She’d always kept the place neat and she knew her father had come and given it a clean. It was a shame she’d not had enough time to squirt some air freshener round.
‘I’m sure it’ll be fine. I’ve already had some interest without pictures. Are you okay if I just crack on?’
‘You go ahead. I’m really sorry, I didn’t even think to get fresh milk. I’m afraid I’m not able to offer any tea or coffee unless you’re happy with it being black.’
‘I’m good, thanks. You know I drink too much tea as it is. I’ll start upstairs, if that’s okay?’
‘Of course. I’ll just make sure things are straight down here.’
The truth was she didn’t want to venture upstairs. She’d faced it once and it wasn’t something she could do a second time. She wasn’t sure she was able to do any of this a second time. The memories that should bring her joy seemed far out of reach when all she was able to remember was opening the door to paramedics, his lifeless body, and the mournful look on the ambulance workers’ faces. There’d been so many happy times in this cottage, and yet the last twenty-four hours of Andy’s life were the ones that screamed at her on repeat. The things she could have done differently. The things that shouldn’t have been said.
Everything (ARC) Page 12