‘I needed to know. If only they’d put that amount of effort into my garden.’ Tabitha would have laughed if it hadn’t been so upsetting.
Now she was also wondering about Julie’s visit. For all she knew the newspaper was the reason she was coming over. Even if she didn’t know, Tabitha should probably tell her and ask her advice.
But right now she wasn’t able to see past the image of those blackened out words. She wasn’t able to reason over the number of hours it must have taken them and why they’d have chosen to be hurtful rather than helpful. Because this wasn’t a heat of the moment reaction, this was a prolonged attack against her and everything she’d been trying to do for the girls. And it hurt more than she ever would have imagined.
Thirty-Three
Then
There were many letters in Tabitha’s life at the moment, but the one she was most worried about was the one burning a hole in her handbag. That one wasn’t of the same nature as all the official paperwork she’d been dealing with, the endless envelopes that followed the death of a loved one.
She was tempted to ignore the letter she’d picked up from the cottage. Bury it in the past. She wanted this all to be behind her. A tragic episode with the chapter closed. But she realised as she fetched it out of her bag, that this was all part of moving on. She wouldn’t be able to close this chapter if there were strands left untied.
Tabitha used a letter opener to carefully get the note out, tipping the envelope to check there wasn’t anything extra that she might miss. She wasn’t sure what additional items there might be… It wasn’t like she was going to find a bonus ten-pound note as she might on her birthday.
She turned her attention to the folded piece of lined A4 paper. The letter looked as if it had been written in a rush. There was no return address or date – the kinds of things she would have expected to see on a more formal letter. Instead it was just a handwritten monologue, but it wasn’t Toby’s handwriting as she’d expected. It was Melissa’s. The best friend she no longer trusted.
* * *
Dear Tabitha,
* * *
It feels so wrong that I haven’t had a chance to speak to you properly since Andy passed away.
I know Toby has told you that I’ve left him and why. I wanted to let you know myself, but he’s not allowed me that opportunity. There’s so much to explain and I want to say sorry. Sorry for not talking to you. Sorry for not discussing it sooner. Sorry for not acting how a best friend should.
It doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends, though. I don’t understand why you’ve cut me off and Toby won’t talk to me to explain.
Please let me be there for you. The past few weeks must have been so hard. Andy would want you to have your friends round you. Call me.
* * *
All my love,
Melissa xx
* * *
‘How would you know what Andy would want? You haven’t got a clue,’ Tabitha said bitterly. She screwed up the piece of paper and threw it at the wall, emitting a strangled sound tennis players would be proud of.
‘Are you okay, love?’ Her father was always alert to any changes in mood.
Tabitha didn’t know how to explain. ‘Why does everything have to be so broken? Why is my life so utterly broken?’
She wasn’t sure she’d ever manage to live with her guilt. She wasn’t sure she would ever forgive her friend for the truths she hadn’t told her. It hurt too much to even think about it.
‘It’s not broken, love. There’s nothing that time can’t fix.’
But it wasn’t true. The only way time would be able to fix this was if she was able to travel back and change the past.
Thirty-Four
Now
Thankfully for Tabitha, going to the drop-in clinic had proven worthwhile. The check-up demonstrated that Luna was continuing to thrive, but was suffering from some reflux and they’d advised remedies and methods to help relieve that. Tabitha wasn’t expecting things to instantly be better, but if the amount of sleep Luna was getting improved, she had a feeling it would help the whole house’s mood.
They’d not long returned home when Julie turned up early. The slight buoyancy that Tabitha was experiencing quickly blew away with the serious look on the social worker’s face.
‘So, who are you here about?’ Tabitha asked. She didn’t want to pussyfoot around.
‘I wanted to discuss a few things with you,’ Julie said, landing a file on the kitchen island like she’d just rolled in from a hard day’s work.
The absence of Julie’s usual jollities was making Tabitha nervous. No doubt she knew about the message in the field. It didn’t paint the girls or her in a good light. It spelt out (in a very literal way), that they weren’t happy here. It also illustrated how, despite her best efforts, she wasn’t exactly keeping tabs on them. Their deliberate actions might have been a way to get out of here. They knew the system far better than she did… This might see them rehomed.
‘Go on,’ Tabitha prompted. She wasn’t about to get the girls into hot water if Julie didn’t know.
‘Why don’t you tell me how things are going first? It’s always good to hear the carer’s point-of-view.’
‘Hang on. Let me put Luna down for her nap.’
As she popped Luna into her nest bed, she took a second to admire how much bigger she was. It wouldn’t be long before the baby would need to be settled in a cot bed to accommodate the length of her growing limbs. Before she even knew what Julie was going to say, she felt a beat of sadness knowing that this might be one of the things Tabitha would never get to see.
‘She seems to be doing well,’ Julie said, once Tabitha returned.
‘I’ve done my best. I guess that’s all I can ever do.’ In truth Tabitha felt like a complete failure in parts, but she didn’t want to voice that.
‘And how are the twins?’
Tabitha sensed that was why Julie was here. ‘I needed to talk to you about them. I don’t suppose you’ve seen today’s paper?’ She guided Julie back to the open-plan kitchen, deciding to put the kettle on even if it was simply to meet her own caffeine requirements.
‘No, why do you ask?’
The kettle finished boiling and Tabitha spread the newspaper out on the kitchen island. ‘I’ve had a few problems with the girls. It would seem to have escalated.’
‘What kind of problems are we talking about?’
‘Small acts of rebellion would be my best description. Intentional things that are enough to cause upset for me, but not enough to land them in extremely hot water. They’re being clever about what they get up to. The field vandalism is a good example,’ Tabitha said, pointing to the article.
‘That must have taken them some time.’ Julie scrutinised the paper more closely.
‘It’s one way to get through the summer holidays. Would you like a tea?’
‘Yes, please. This must have been upsetting. Are you okay?’
‘It’s certainly not how I want them to be spending their time.’ It was upsetting, but if she voiced it, somehow Tabitha felt like it would be admitting defeat.
‘Is there anything else that has worried you about the girls’ behaviour?’
Tabitha raided the fridge for milk, and wondered if she should say anything about the portraits of Jolie, even though Max had denied she’d drawn them. ‘You already know about them missing one of the last days of school. They do have a tendency to go off in a huff and not return for hours. But they’ve always just been safely over the road. Obviously I know what they were up to now.’
‘Do you know about them sending any letters?’
‘Letters? No. Why do you ask?’
‘Is there a post box nearby?’
‘There’s one at the end of the lane. I pass it most days when I’m walking Lofty. The girls have taken him for me on the odd occasion.’ The lazy mutt was curled up on the sofa, too impolite to even respond to their guest’s arrival ever since he’d sussed she wasn’t one for bri
nging biscuits.
Tabitha gave Julie her tea and took a seat on one of the kitchen stools.
‘Why are you asking me about letters?’
‘We suspect the girls have sent some out to their old adoptive parents.’
‘What did they write in them?’
‘I can’t say, I’m afraid.’
‘Why not? Is there anything I need to worry about?’
‘I think there are things that the girls need to discuss. Hopefully the counselling sessions will help with that, but there’s a four-week wait currently.’
‘What things do you think they need to discuss?’
‘Just about their past. Sorry I can’t be more specific – I would if I could.’
Tabitha placed her elbows on the island surface and rested her head in the palm of her hands. Before today had even started she’d felt like she was existing on the fraying edges of her nerves. Lack of sleep would do that to a person. Julie adding to her worries might be the thing to send her over the edge.
‘I don’t have a counselling qualification. Surely if they need that support, the referral can be sped up.’
‘I’ll do what I can, but sadly it’s an over-subscribed system. They’re already down as a priority.’
‘And what should I do in the meantime?’ From nowhere, Tabitha had a pounding headache.
‘Carry on as you have been, but just let me know as soon as you can if anything concerns you. And let me know if you see them sending or writing any letters.’
Tabitha pressed her thumbs into her temples. ‘Don’t you want to speak to them directly about it?’
‘Not at the moment. Really I was just hoping to get some confirmation as to whether it was them or not.’
‘If you told me a bit more, I might be able to clarify.’
‘Forget I said anything. It might have no connection to them at all. Just keep me updated as always and I’ll press on with the counselling referral.’
The conversation was terse after that, as if Julie had said too much and was now trying to retract and prevent further divulgence. Tabitha was more than happy to send Julie on her way when she really wasn’t being very helpful.
Once she was gone, Tabitha curled herself up on the sofa around Lofty’s soft figure and pulled over the cushion made from one of Andy’s shirts to allow herself a little cry. She wasn’t sure what she’d expected fostering to be like, but she was so bone-wearily tired that the reality of it was making her want to weep. She wanted to help each of the girls in her care, but it was feeling more and more impossible every day.
The dog raised his head from his slumber and licked some salty tears off Tabitha’s cheek before nestling back. She pulled her merino wool blanket around them and closed her eyes, resting her head on the pillow, wishing it was Andy giving her a hug. At least her beautiful dog was with her. It made her realise that through everything that had gone on now and in the past, there was one living thing that had been there for her: Lofty.
She’d often thought about things in terms of her old life and her new life, as if she’d managed to physically separate one from the other, but here she had a dog that proved otherwise. He’d been with her through everything and she saw that the lines between the past and present were at times impossible to draw and they’d certainly never kept the grief at bay.
Thirty-Five
Now
Tabitha needed some family time. She needed to remind herself why she was doing this. She also wanted to talk to Syd and Max. With so much having happened, Tabitha decided to host a family meeting – although she might not have labelled it as such when she invited her extra guests over.
As her wisdom and parenting skills only stretched so far, she hoped that inviting the rest of the family would help make the process easier. Perhaps with a total of four adults present she wouldn’t feel like as much of a single parent struggling to cope.
When everyone was round the table and halfway through their lasagne, Tabitha decided it was the right time to get the conversation rolling. It was best to do it before Syd and Max found an excuse to slink back to their bedrooms.
‘Um, as well as asking you all over for dinner, I also wanted to use it as an excuse to talk to all of you.’ Tabitha was trying hard not to get tongue-tied. She didn’t want to say the wrong thing.
‘I’ve finished. Can I sit this out?’ Max was already sliding off her seat, her plate barely touched.
‘No, Max. If you want to be treated like an adult, you will sit through this talk and participate in it as such. If you choose to leave now then you won’t get any say on what is happening in this household.’
‘Like I do anyway.’
‘Sit down, please,’ Syd said.
‘Why should I listen to you?’
‘Because I’m sitting down. And I’m going to listen and discuss whatever it is that Tabby wants to talk about. We’ve been listening to conversations behind closed doors all our lives. There’s no way I’m gonna end up doing that to one we’ve been invited to join in with.’
Max paused. If it was possible for twins to have an Alpha, Max had taken that role and worn it with pride ever since Tabitha had known these two girls. But what was an Alpha without a Beta? Max looked lost knowing that her sidekick wasn’t about to follow her.
‘I figured you might want a say in the things I wanted to talk to you about.’ Tabitha unfolded the newspaper and placed it in the middle of the table.
‘Is that our street? Lewis, that’s the field next to your garage,’ Sylvie said. Lewis obviously hadn’t filled his mother in.
‘Yes and if you look closely you’ll discover that I’m the bitch in question,’ said Tabitha. ‘It would seem the girls’ innocent days of summer haven’t been as innocent as we thought.’
Syd blushed a furious red. ‘You’re not the bitch. I’d never call you that.’
‘That field says otherwise,’ Lewis pointed out.
‘That’s not what it meant. I just wanted to send a message and it worked!’ Max said.
‘I didn’t even know that the pattern spelt anything.’ Syd said, keen to declare her innocence. ‘It was Max’s idea. We were just bored.’
‘Thanks, sis.’ Max glared at her sister.
‘What did you mean then?’ Sylvie asked, turning the paper so she was no longer reading it upside down.
‘She meant our adoptive mum. The one that unadopted us,’ Syd said.
‘Shut up, Sydney.’
‘What, Maxine? There’s no point getting in trouble. It’s not like you were being rude about Tabby.’
‘Why is the arrow pointing towards the Bunk-a-low then?’ Lewis asked.
‘It’s pointing to Yalding, where we used to live,’ Max replied.
‘So it wasn’t intended to insult me?’ Tabitha should have realised. It wasn’t like they called her mum all the time. In fact, if the insult had indeed been intended for her, them calling her mum would have made it a compliment.
‘No, it was a message for Fickle Fiona. The mum that never was,’ Max said.
‘Ah.’ Tabitha didn’t know what to say. Having presumed it was about her, she now felt awkward asking any more with other people being present. It was obviously a sore subject and one they were only just opening up to discussing.
‘What’s our punishment then? You gonna kick us out like all the others or ground us again so we have to suffer listening to the baby crying all the time?’ Max was only half on her chair, ready to leave as soon as the mood took her.
Tabitha hadn’t thought about dishing out punishments. It wasn’t like grounding them had worked last time. ‘There’s no punishment. I just want us all to start getting on better. I want you to know that I’m here for you and it would be nice to feel like you’re here for me too. You’ve not spent any quality time with Luna or I this summer and I know that’s down to me as well as you two. I’d like us to spend more time together.’
‘Can’t we just say sorry?’ Max shrugged her shoulders as well as her top lip.
The non-committal nature of the comment made Tabitha laugh. ‘It would help if you tried to sound like you mean it.’
‘I do mean it. Especially if it means I won’t have to spend more time with you and Luna.’
Tabitha didn’t know how to respond. She knew when she took on the role of foster carer that it would be hard work, but she’d not realised it would end up being so thankless at times.
‘Such a different generation.’ Sylvie tutted and shook her head, but said no more.
‘I’m definitely sorry and I’ll spend more time with you and Luna,’ Syd said.
‘Swot.’ Max threw her sister a look of disgust. ‘We did it for a reason. We never thought we’d get caught.’
‘So you’re only sorry that you got caught?’ Lewis said, between mouthfuls of lasagne.
‘Whatever your reasons, I’d much rather you spoke to me if you need to talk about anything,’ said Tabitha.
‘And it’s not just your foster mum you can speak to. It’s us oldies too,’ Sylvie said.
Frank nodded in agreement.
‘I know it hasn’t been ideal, but Luna needed a placement and it was an emergency. I’ve always been clear that in those circumstances I’d help out. It would just be nice if both of you would make a bit more effort with getting to know her. You’ve not even held her yet.’ It was no wonder things weren’t going smoothly when as a family unit they were so disjointed.
‘I’ve never liked it when we’ve had babies put into the same foster care as us. We always end up getting shafted. When our adoption went pear-shaped because mummy and daddy ended up with their own cherub, I swore to never like a baby again,’ Max said.
Everything (ARC) Page 14