by Steve Lill
CHAPTER 7
HISTORY
‘King Harold and the English were standing at the top of the hill, shoulder to shoulder, waiting for the Normans to advance. Yes, Ally?’
‘Were they all called Norman?’
‘No, Ally. The knights trotted forward and Harold’s men knew the battle was about to begin. Yes, Ally?’
‘Miss Freakley, I have been reading a little about this time in Earth history. Were there any Franks with Norman?’
‘I don’t think so, Ally. Arrows flew through the air, but the English stood firm. Yes, Ally?’
‘Were there any Alans with Norman?’
‘I’m not sure. Suddenly, all the Normans ran away back down the hill. Yes, Ally?’
‘Did the ones who were not called Norman continue fighting?’
‘I expect so. But it was a trick! The Normans turned around at the bottom of the hill and so the English were defeated. Yes, Ally?’
‘Could King Harold not have ordered his men to stay on the hill? Were his men not obedient to his every command?’
‘Poor King Harold could do no more to help: he had been killed with an arrow in his eye.’
Cries of ‘Eww’ came from the rest of the class accompanied by a loud ‘Yesss!’ from Laurence.
‘Now, of course, there were no newspapers in those days but, if there had been, what might the reporters have said about the Battle of Hastings and the new Norman king, William?’
Ally was a little confused as there was no-one called William in the class.
The children divided into groups, each responsible for producing a page of ‘copy’ for the Mad-Evil News (Early Edition).
Ally, Josh, Alice and Hannah collected their thoughts.
Alice laid out the plan. ‘You and Josh can write the battle story. We’re going to do a picture of Queen Matilda sewing the tapestry.’
‘I wonder what happened to the English after the battle?’ asked Josh.
‘They will be the slaves of the new masters, made to work for the glory of the empire and all rebels will be squashed like ants under the heels of the … ’ Ally stopped himself. He was getting rather too loud and was beginning to attract attention.
‘I bet it was horrible, though,’ said Hannah. ‘The Normans sound really cruel.’
‘I think the English will be very happy to be ruled by superior beings. They should be thankful that they have been chosen to become a part of the greatest empire the galaxy has ever known!’
‘What are you on about now?’ asked Alice. Josh looked at Ally with a serious expression but said nothing.
Miss Frinkley was passing by, keeping an eye on the group’s progress. ‘Actually, Hannah, it was awful for the English living in this part of the country. The Normans burned down villages, wrecked farms and many people starved. William wanted to make sure that no-one could stand up to him.’
‘Norman the Conqueror truly earned his name,’ said Ally.
‘You wouldn’t have liked it, though, would you?’ Alice challenged him.
‘And neither would you,’ Hannah said to Josh.
Josh rested his chin on his hand and stared out of the window, still saying nothing.
On your knees, Earthlings English! The time has come for you to welcome your new masters. From this day onward all orders will be given by the rightful ruler of this land; Norman the Great and Powerful.
The false king, Harold the Stupid, has been replaced and poked in the eye. Norman laws will come into force from six o’clock tomorrow morning. Make sure you are up.
New laws you must follow:
1 Work until you drop.
2 Give everything to me.
3 Everyone must wear hats at all times.
4 Even in bed.
5 Ignore those things flying around in the sky: they are none of your business.
6 Kittens are banned
Report 7: Advice for the Emperor
Agent 47/23 to Agent 58/24
Your previous transmission advised me of the change of plan to destroy all human life on this planet. I know I am just an ordinary space spy and am in no position to tell our great Emperor his business but I feel there may be some advantages in keeping a number of these creatures alive. The collection of small Earthlings known as Class 6GF should be put to one side and preserved. I will find a use for them later as long as none of them are damaged.
The unit leader, Commander Gail Freakley, should also be kept safe. She is an intelligent and resourceful human who I believe would serve the Empire well, given the chance. And if we explain that we’re not as bad as the Space Daily News makes out. She is already the world’s greatest teacher, according to her coffee mug. We could offer her a palace on Taar Epsilon 4 while she makes up her mind how to help us conquer the rest of the galaxy.
I have learned that the sound organiser called Smetana is no longer alive. Please bring the Zombiecator 4000 with you to revive him. I need more lessons on how to play the triangle.
There is another Earth creature which I suggest we leave unharmed. They are called ‘hamsters’. When spying on the Earthling known as Alice Farmer at her place of residence (she had invited me round for tea, although she only provided a mixture of water, lemon juice and carbon dioxide) I had several of these creatures use my body as an assault course. They ran along my arms, through my hair and down my back. They are surprisingly agile. I believe we should round up all the hamsters on Earth and use them to defeat our enemies. With hamsters running all over them, they will be laughing so much they will be unable to fight back. Hamsters are truly one of the deadliest of creatures on this planet.
CHAPTER 8
P.S.H.E.
‘Let’s go over our Circle Time rules again, just to be sure we all understand. Number one, whoever is holding the shell may have a turn to speak, although you don’t have to if you don’t feel like it. Number two, if it is not your turn to speak, listen carefully to what the speaker is saying. You will all have a turn holding the shell so be patient.’
The ring of faces was focused on Miss Frinkley, anticipating an hour or so with no real ‘work’ to do.
‘We’ll start with a game of ‘What if..,’ she said. ‘What if we were all sitting in a rainforest?’
The children knew that this was a chance to let their imaginations run wild. Circle Time was designed to get them thinking and talking. The shell began to move around the group.
‘We would hear monkeys!’ offered Rose. Several boys demonstrated what it would sound like.
‘I’d climb a tree and not come down,’ said Laurence. Miss Frinkley smiled.
‘I’d light a fire, find fresh water and start building a shelter,’ said Alice. Ally nodded.
A wide range of suggestions came from the children before the teacher asked for someone to suggest a new topic. Josh took the shell.
‘What if… ’ began Josh. ‘What if…’
‘Go on, Josh, you know you are allowed to say whatever you like.’
He inhaled deeply through his nose, looking at the carpet as he spoke. ‘What if a friend had told you a secret and you didn’t know what to do?’
Miss Frinkley sat up straighter. ‘We’ve talked about secrets before. Is this a good secret or a bad secret? You can tell me later if you can’t say now.’
‘I don’t know if it’s good or bad.’ Josh was quiet for a short while then he opened up the floodgates. ‘What if alien spaceships were going to visit the Earth and take people away and you would never see your friends again and then they would just go and you’d be lost and on your own.’
The whole thing came out in such a rush that, at first, there was no reaction from anyone.
‘I’d climb up a tree and not come down,’ repeated Laurence. ‘Then I’d blast ‘em with laser paintballs.’
‘Shut up!’ yelled Josh. He stood up, still holding the shell. He took a step towards Laurence on the other side of the circle. Laurence stood too, and advanced.
‘Boys, sit down. Now.’ Miss Fr
inkley’s voice was quiet but firm. Neither took any notice of her.
‘Kill the aliens!’ cried Laurence. ‘Shoot ‘em!’
‘You don’t know what you’re talking about!’ Josh pushed Laurence back towards his place.
Miss Frinkley remained calm. ‘I’m not sure I know what you are talking about, Josh. Are you really worried about aliens? They’re only in stories, you know.’
‘No they’re not! They’re real and they’re coming!’
Ally stood. He had been sitting passively through the whole of Circle Time, immediately passing the shell whenever it came round to him. Now he spoke. ‘Miss Freakley, I believe I might be able to explain, and perhaps offer some assistance to resolve, the situation that seems to be developing.’
‘Why don’t you ever talk normal?’ said Laurence, recovering his balance.
‘Leave him alone!’ As Josh closed in on Laurence once again, he stepped on Alice’s foot. Alice took a swipe at Josh’s ankle, missed and caught Laurence instead. For his part, Laurence backed into Robbie, staggered and collapsed onto the three nearest children. The circle was broken and all order was lost. Laurence bounded up at Josh, Ally tried to get between them, the children who had been fallen upon were crying, most of the others were arguing, Miss Frinkley held out her arms for peace, Josh held the shell high with both hands.
Laurence had his head down as he collided with Josh. Josh took the full force of Laurence’s charge on his chin. The shell rose into the air, curving gracefully in front of the castle display on the wall. It landed on the corner of a table, cracking into many, many pieces.
Silence wrapped around the classroom like a woollen blanket.
‘My lovely, Caribbean conch,’ said Miss Frinkley, finally. ‘Sit down, everyone.’ This time, the class obeyed immediately. ‘Go back to your tables and work quietly. You too, Ally.’
Ally was sweeping the fragments of shell into his hands. With all the pieces collected, he spread them out on his table. He began pushing them around, holding particular pieces together like a three dimensional jigsaw. When he found a pair that matched, they would join with no visible sign that they had ever been separated. Soon, the entire shell had been reconstructed. Ally, however, did not stop there. Spreading his fingers widely around the conch, he closed his eyes and squeezed gently. After a few moments, he put the shell down on the table. It began to slide around, slowly. Two eyes on stalks peered out from under the lip of the conch and looked around the classroom. ‘Miss Freakley, I believe your shell is restored to its original state.’
‘Oh, Ally! That’s a living creature! Where has it come from? Conches live in the sea! Where are we going to put it? We’re a long way from the coast.’
‘Do not worry. It has been modified to survive on land. I think we should keep it as a class pet and call it ‘Ralph’. He is not a deadly creature.’
‘I’m sure you’re right, but still; I will have to think carefully about this, after what’s happened this afternoon.’ She sent Hannah with a hastily written note to the school office.
A few minutes later the caretaker brought in the old fish tank from the store cupboard to become Ralph’s new home.
‘Be careful,’ Josh whispered to Ally, ‘I think people are starting to get suspicious.’
‘They will not be suspicious for much longer, my friend,’ Ally replied, ‘The starships are already on their way. We will be ready.’
For some reason, Josh did not feel at all reassured by this.
MY RESIPE FOR A FREIND
YOU WILL NEED:
a pinch of fun
1 handful of weird words
2 spoonfuls of trouble
1 litre of space and stars and stuff
a teaspoonful of cleverness
3 heaped tablespoons of kittens
50g of annoying Laurence Bell
a sprinkling of making me laugh
100g of getting me unstuck in maths
METHOD:
When you put all these things together and mix them all up you will get a good friend like Ally. I don’t want him to go.
by Josh
Report 8
Agent 47/23 to Agent 58/24
My time undercover here is nearly over. I have made a detailed study of Earth and Earthlings and reported my findings faithfully to Space Fleet Command. I have already recommended that certain individuals and hamsters be spared the destruction of intelligent life on Earth. Here are some more items that I wish to see preserved.
Ice cream. We have nothing like it on Taar Epsilon 4. Save all the ice cream makers.
Saturday television. I have grown rather fond of some of these transmissions, especially the ones that are about space. The Earthlings’ attempts at showing aliens are ridiculously inaccurate.
Clouds. These are fun to watch. I sometimes imagine I can see shapes in them that remind me of Kreel hunters savaging their prey.
Paint. By smearing this substance across surfaces such as paper or faces, entertaining images can be produced. It also tastes quite pleasant.
Skipping ropes. Alice Farmer has introduced me to this activity and it is most enjoyable. Her record is three hundred and fifteen. My record is seven.
Foot the Ball. Despite Commander Freakley’s objections, I find this fascinating. Every week, enormous gatherings of Earthlings arrive in specially built arenas to shout at brightly dressed people chasing a ball on a field. Sometimes these people kick the ball. Most of the time, they don’t. I believe extra points are scored for rolling around on the floor, holding your ankle.
Snow. At first I believed this was ice cream from the sky and ate large quantities of it. I especially liked the yellow variety. Now I understand the proper use of snow. It makes an effective weapon at close ranges. The creation of ‘Snow-Earthlings’, however, seems pointless to me.
Schools. Obviously, I do not need to explain why these must remain undamaged.
CHAPTER 9
DRAMA
Improvisation: On the island
Learning intentions
• We are learning to co-operate through role-play.
• We are learning to improvise while staying in role.
• We are learning to develop decision-making skills.
‘Mr. Bell, please put the crocodile down,’ said Miss Frinkley.
Laurence reluctantly replaced the giant inflatable reptile back on to the table.
‘Everyone; you can put your sunhats on now, then we’ll be on our way to the hall,’ was her next instruction.
Hannah brought the crocodile, with Laurence ‘helping’ with the tail. Rose carried the pop-up tent which somehow decided to ‘pop’ halfway down the corridor. Elijah, with the monkey puppet, took the opportunity to get inside the tent. Miss Frinkley was not best pleased when he told her that he was trying to get out of the tent, but the monkey wouldn’t let him. Josh was in charge of the bundle of bamboo canes, each one longer than two children laid end to end (he and Ally had measured them this way earlier).
In the school hall, the children lay flat on their backs, eyes closed, and began their imaginary journey to a deserted island.
‘Let’s use our five senses to explore,’ said the teacher. ‘Yes, Ally?’
‘What about the other two?’ He was ignored.
Having established the sound of seagulls, the heat of the sun, the taste of coconut, the smell of the jungle, the flow of magnetic force through the atmosphere and the sight of palm trees waving in the breeze, Miss Frinkley asked the children a key question.
‘Why are we on an island so far away? What might have brought us here?’
Several predictable answers followed before Josh said, ‘Aliens have landed on the Earth and are looking for people to take away with them and we’re hiding.’
Miss Frinkley praised Josh’s originality, pointing out that he’d been talking a lot about aliens recently, and so the theme of the drama lesson was settled.
Laurence wanted to hunt things to eat and so was given a bamboo po
le, a bag and a reminder that all the hunting was to be imaginary. Alice decided to lead a search for fresh water. Hannah went with her, carrying a plastic bucket. Elijah wanted to teach the monkey how to speak English so it could translate between the native creatures on the island and the stranded children. The crocodile became the camp watch-dog, keeping danger at bay.
Ally and Josh sat in one corner of the hall, supposedly discussing shelters. ‘What will you really do when they come?’ Josh asked Ally.
‘I have been thinking about this very seriously, my friend,’ he replied. ‘There are many things on this planet which I would not like to see destroyed.’
Josh’s eyes, mouth and nostrils widened. Then his face fell like a punctured Foot the Ball. ‘So it’s not a rescue, after all; it’s an invasion.’
‘That is correct. I am sorry for the deception.’
‘Can’t you stop it?’
‘Seventy-five starships full of fierce warriors have been despatched from Taar Epsilon 4. I am to send the fleet commander the co-ordinates for a successful landing later this evening.’
Ally looked up to see the children lashing bamboo together to make a tent large enough for the whole class to shelter in. Laurence proudly announced that he had killed a wild pig and there would be bacon sandwiches for breakfast. Alice and Hannah were demonstrating that split bamboo would make a system of channels to bring fresh water directly to the camp. The inflatable crocodile (now renamed ‘Rex’) was giving children rides around the blue lagoon that surrounded the island. Elijah was retelling a joke that the parrots had told the monkey. Life on the island was good.
Rules of the Island
Voted for by 6GF.
Anyone not obeying the rules will be thrown into the volcano in the middle of the island.
Rule 1
Any food collected or hunted will be shared between everyone.
Rule 2
Anyone keeping food to themselves will be fed to the sharks.