I’d been afraid that this could be true, but in the back of my mind, I couldn’t see the sweet, friendly woman becoming the hoyden people described. I guess I was one of the lucky ones. She was never pushy or intrusive, but then again, Calen had never allowed her or anyone else to be.
I’d let him know in not so many words that my family and my past were not something I discussed readily. I just told him that my dad was long gone, and mom and I were estranged. I was surprised in the beginning that someone like him, with all his money, had been so accepting of my explanation and never pushed for more.
He never once questioned my motives, never asked for a prenup, never tried digging too deep into my family history, none of the things I was deathly afraid of. He’d shown me that I could be a whole person without need of a family or any kind of background to lean on. I’d always feared that I would live out the rest of my life alone because no one would want to be with someone, or could ever trust another with so many secrets.
I remember the way he’d hugged me close once he noticed the sadness in me when the topic of my parents came up, and can still hear the words he’d whispered in my ear like it was yesterday. “It’s okay, love, I’ll share mine with you.” And he had. I don’t know what he’d said to his mom and dad, but not once had they ever treated me like anything other than their daughter.
It was in the bosom of his family that I got my first real taste of what a normal family life was supposed to be like. The first time I saw Calen disagree with his mom and she just accepted and told him that he was right, I thought for sure it was a trap.
I hadn’t said anything, but I had been on pins and needles the whole of that day waiting for the other shoe to drop. I remember feeling fiercely protective and promising myself that if she tried doing anything to punish him, I wouldn’t let her. I’d ask to take his punishment instead.
When she’d just gone on to something else and had even laughed with her son, I remember the confusion I felt and how out of my depth. I learned to take my cues from Calen, and though I never came completely out of my shell, the time that I spent with them had taught me a whole new way of life. I have no doubt that I would’ve become much better had things worked out.
Both my in-laws had been amazing, but Rebecca had always gone above and beyond as if somehow sensing my need for maternal love. Something I had never had, never knew existed, until her. And I thanked her by running away with her grandson.
I rubbed my hand across my tummy, which was getting more and more upset the longer I stood there in the living room while Calen and his mom had disappeared down the hallway with the baby. I can only imagine what they’re saying as I felt the heat of shame fill my cheeks, and I wished for the clock to turn back.
I wish I’d never gone to that mall. Or that I’d seen Donovan before he saw me so that I could’ve made my escape. I wished for a million things because I had nothing with which to fight Calen if he did indeed decide to take my son away from me.
I felt cold dread fill my heart and spread throughout my body at the thought of his anger and how justified it was. If I were in his place, I’d probably feel the same. Even though I know the truth of why I left, and the fact that had it only been me in danger, I would’ve stayed, but had to leave when the threat was made against him, I know that keeping his son from him was criminal.
Still, I can’t lose my baby. He can’t be the consolation prize. I fixed my clothes, making sure everything was neat when I heard their voices heading back my way. I wasn’t sure what kind of reception I was going to get from Rebecca, but I was prepared for the worst and braced myself. I just have to remember that it was well deserved no matter what awful things she had to throw at my head.
She came into the room and made a beeline over to my side with her arms outstretched. At first, I didn’t know how to react. Was this a trap? It wouldn’t be the first time I’d fallen for a setup like this. At least with mom, I’d learned to read the signs after years of training. As I got older, I knew not to trust any kind of affection and to evade accordingly.
A hug like this one would usually end with some form of physical attack, either a punch to the gut or a slap across the face. So when Rebecca ignored my unease and wrapped her arms around me anyway, I flinched, expecting the harsh words that I was sure were going to be whispered in my ear. That was another form of attack as well.
“How are you, dear? It’s so good to see you.” She pulled back and took both of my hands in hers, my shaking hands. I tried to bring myself under control, not willing to give too much away, but her greeting and the lack of malice or hatred was almost too much for me to bear.
“I’m sure my son has forgotten to thank you, so let me be the first to do it. Thank you very much for my grandson. I can’t wait for my husband to meet him. He’s out of town until tomorrow, so I hope you don’t mind if we come by first thing in the morning, as I’m sure he’ll want to see the baby as soon as he lands.
I’d almost forgotten what a steamroller she is. I started to answer her, not sure what I was going to say since I had no idea what the next day would bring, but Calen cut me off before I could speak. “You don’t need to ask her permission, mom. The baby will be here, of course. You and dad may come by anytime you’d like. I’ll be working from home for the next little while, at least until my son gets settled in.”
Calen said this as he was looking at me over the baby’s head, and my knees almost gave out on me. What did he mean? I almost asked him that, sure that we were about to argue, but Rebecca interrupted me this time.
“Oh. Does that mean you’ve set up the nursery? How fun. I know you two have some stuff to work out, so I’m guessing Giselle, you’re staying in the wife’s quarters; it’s closest to the nursery after all and would be perfect until you two get things sorted.”
“Mom!” Oh, dear! Calen looks like he wants to strangle his poor mother. The wife’s quarters is the other half of the master suite. Since the house is an exact replica of a sixteenth-century castle, it came equipped with rooms built the way they had been back then, when men and women slept separately. I never slept there before, of course, and from the look on Calen’s face, I wasn’t about to sleep there now either.
It was too close, too much like a married couple since there was only a thin door separating the two rooms. “Calen, this is the best solution, don’t you think?” Rebecca carried on as if he hadn’t interrupted her. “Right now, my grandson’s needs and his best interests are the only things that matter. We, adults, are just going to have to compromise. Isn’t that right cupcake?” She walked over to the baby and squeezed his cheek playfully, and my heart twisted when my son chortled and reached out for his grandma.
I never thought he’d have this. My own mother wouldn’t get near him, not that I’d let her, and I see now how my plans to keep him and I sequestered from the world wasn’t good for him. I’d started taking him outside, sure, but my plan was to keep him at home with me as much as possible for fear of what mom might do somewhere along the way.
Now seeing how lively and happy he was with two complete strangers made me see the error of my ways. My son was starving for affection, pretty much the same way I had been after my dad died. The realization made me feel awful. It felt like I was as much of an abuser as my mother had been to me.
My ears started buzzing, and I was sure that I was going to pass out any second from the wave of nausea that overcame me. I closed my eyes and opened them again just as quickly only to find Calen watching me.
* * *
CALEN
* * *
What game is she playing now? She’s putting it on kind of thick since mom came up with her nonsensical idea. It didn’t cross my mind to let her stay. I had planned to let her feed my son his last meal of the day later on this evening, and then kick her out. She could come back in the morning to feed him and take her ass somewhere for the next few hours until he grew hungry again.
It’s not like he was just on the tit; he was already
eating solids as well. Maybe it was time to wean him. I’ll be sure to check with the pediatrician I have lined up. The sooner I get her out of our lives, the better. Now, mom had gone and thrown sand in my eye with her suggestion.
There was no point in arguing with her, I’m sure, and she did have a point, right now our only focus should be my son and what’s best for him. “Oh dear, is the pantry stocked? I know how much you hate eating at home alone, Calen, so I’m sure it isn’t. Better have Betsy go to the store, or should we have it delivered?” She didn’t wait for an answer, just continued steamrolling right over me.
“Yes, that sounds best. Come on, Giselle, you’d know better than I what foods you like for the baby. Calen, we’ll be using the computer in your office. Come along, dear, dinner will be here before you know it, and since you’re going to be staying here, you need to stock up as well. You’re still nursing, aren’t you?”
“That’s one of the things I regret not doing for Calen when he was born. Back then, breastfeeding wasn’t as prevalent as it is these days, not in our circles anyway. Now it’s all the rage. Maybe if I’d done that, he’d have more sense, what do you think?” That’s my mother, way to take my side. “Thanks, mom.” I ignored the two of them and left the room in the opposite direction to show my son the gardens and explain to him the play area I was going to have erected for him out there.
I refuse to think about the relief I feel at mom’s suggestion. I can roll with the punches, and now that I think about it, having Giselle’s disloyal ass near is maybe a good thing. Who knows what the hell schemes and plots she’d come up with when I’m not looking. No, this way is better; this way I can keep an eye on her, make sure she doesn’t pull another runner.
Not that I care. As long as she doesn’t take my son anywhere, she can walk her ass off the face of the earth for all I care. These up and down moods are going to play hell with my equilibrium. Better deal with her one way or the other before I make myself crazy.
Giselle
I feel like I’ve just been run over by a freight train. One minute I was evading Calen’s nasty glares, and the next, I was sitting beside his mom at the huge mahogany desk in his home office slash study. My face heated as I recalled the numerous times Calen had taken me on this very desk, which seemed to be one of the only things he hadn’t gotten rid of when he changed everything else in the house.
Before my mind could start wondering as to why that is and taking me down a long and winding road that leads to nowhere, I cut my thoughts off and tried to focus on what Rebecca was saying. I was still nervous in her presence, still expecting some kind of strong backlash for my actions, but for the half an hour we were there, she never once said anything derogatory or hurtful to me.
In fact, she acted as though we’d just seen each other the day before. The conversation sounded no different to many we’d had in the past, except for questions about the baby and his likes and dislikes and, of course, when she was going to be allowed to have him overnight once she set up a nursery at her home.
Her excitement and easy acceptance almost made me cry tears of shame, but as always, she seemed to recognize this and set about putting me at ease, much like she had the first time we met. It would’ve been so easy to fall back into the same old routine, like slipping my foot into an old comfortable shoe, but the fact that Calen had disappeared with our son kept me from being too relaxed.
That, and the thought of spending the night here. It’s funny, but I hadn’t looked this far ahead, haven’t had time to truth be known since Calen rushed back into my life. I haven’t even thought of my mother and how she will react to this turn of events.
I’m sure she won’t stay away once word gets back to her though I was hoping that her minions hadn’t seen Calen coming and going from my house. The thought put such fear in me that my extremities started to tingle, and I started to feel panic rising in my chest, so I had to take deep breaths to calm down.
This is going to be a mess all over again if I don’t do something, but I’m afraid there will be no running away this time. Not unless I want to leave my son behind. “Giselle, won’t you tell me what it is that’s bothering you?” The touch of Rebecca’s comforting hand rubbing my back soothingly was almost my undoing, but I dared not share the dark, ugly truth. Neither could I risk looking at her as I felt the heat of her gaze on the side of my face. One thing I remember very keenly about my ex-mother-in-law is that she was always very good at reading me.
“It’s nothing I’m fine, really.”
“It’s okay; when you’re ready to talk, I’m ready to listen. Just know that I’m in your corner; you’re not alone. And I’m sure if you tell my son the truth that he’d be there to protect you no matter what.” Oh, how I wish that were true. But she doesn’t know her son as well as she thinks she does if she thinks that’s true.
She carried on offering words of comfort, but there was no pushing on her part, and I wondered how it was that she could see so much when her son was so blind. I know it’s not fair to blame Calen, but so many nights since I left here, I’d dreamt of him coming to the rescue. I’d imagined him learning the truth somehow and facing down my mother and her threats, not caring about what she could do to him and his loved ones if it meant saving me.
I gave up on that dream within the first few weeks of being back when the new fear of how to protect my unborn child took over every aspect of my life. Part of me, the sane, rational part, wish I could go to Calen and tell him the truth, beg for his forgiveness, and plead with him to protect us any way he can.
But that other side, the side that still holds deep fear of the woman who’d tormented me since childhood, knew that it was no use. I’ve seen mother destroy everything good in my life. When daddy was still alive, things had been different, at least in the beginning. But she’d tried tearing us apart as well, hadn’t she?
I was too young when he died to remember it all, but I know that that’s when it had all started. When her seeming intense hatred of me had begun to grow and fester, I can still hear her words of accusation, still, feel the sting of the whip the day of the funeral as soon as we returned home. It’s the first time she’d ever been physical with me.
I’d lived believing that I’d killed my own father for years because of her words, until I was old enough to realize that I had no part in killing him, no part in him taking his own life like she’d said. I still don’t and will probably never know why he’d chosen to take his own life. But the therapist I’d finally got myself after years of being denied because mother didn’t agree with me having one, had worked hard at convincing me that my six-year-old self wasn’t the one responsible for daddy’s death.
I’d found the therapist online since that was the only way I could be sure that my mother wouldn’t find out about her, but I knew it was something I had to do for my son. I needed, wanted to be whole for him. Something I was never able to give his dad. Now I tore the tissue Rebecca gave me to shreds in my nervous hands as all the horrible things my mother could do to this family came to mind. I think I’m going to throw up.
I finally looked at Rebecca and was sure she could see the helplessness in my eyes. But still, the words wouldn’t come. I could never share that shame with anyone, especially not Calen or anyone associated with him. I can’t ever let him know how weak I am, how pathetic my life has been. He’d had such a joyful upbringing. His parents’ home was covered with the images that were proof of that.
I’d always get a melancholic jolt whenever I looked at one of those photos that lined the walls of their hallway. Each caption showed a laughing, smiling Calen in differing stages of his life, ending with a full portrait of him and I on our wedding day. My childhood home had been so bare of such images that I’d started to forget what my dad looked like.
“Come on; I hear the boys coming back in. The groceries should be delivered soon, and you look like you could use a rest.” No way. I can’t rest while Calen has my son. What if he snatches him away while I’m a
sleep? My eyes flew to the door where I could hear the sound of Calen’s voice coming from beyond as he talked to our son.
I got to my feet when she did, and we both headed for the door, she with more confidence than I felt. She’s right that I needed to rest. Although I’d fallen asleep easily enough the night before, for the first time in fact, since I felt so safe with Calen there. But it was also because of him that I’d awakened in the middle of the night and laid awake into the wee morning hours just staring at the ceiling.
I felt some of my panic disappear at the sight of the two of them and smiled when my son reached for me. I was beginning to think he’d forgotten about me. Calen looked as if he wasn’t willing to pass the baby back to me, and there was an odd silence for a few seconds as I stood close to him for the first time. He finally relented, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
“I think he’s ready for a nap. I had the staff set something up until the rest of the stuff for the nursery gets here later.”
“I don’t think the things you ordered will be here today; it’s already almost closing hours. Maybe we should…”
“No! My son is never sleeping anywhere but under my roof from now on. You may leave, though, if that’s what you prefer.”
* * *
CALEN
* * *
I ignored the look of hurt in her eyes and just turned away. Mom’s words have been plaguing me for the last half an hour, and my mind has been playing around with the idea of ‘what if.’ It doesn’t matter, though; I keep telling myself. There can be no reason, no excuse for my ex to have done the things she did. So no matter how much I felt that she indeed didn’t look nor act like a gold-digging piece of shit, I still can’t trust her, and what’s more, I don’t want to.
Dare To Love Again Page 4