by Tammy Barley
Jess stood and faced him, her manner gentle now. “And the rosebush?”
“Olivia’s mother had always grown roses, so I planted one to help her feel at home. Now I take cuttings when I come to visit her and Sadie.” He seemed a little embarrassed. “I even take the branches when they’re bare. I guess I wanted her to know that I’m keeping her roses alive, that I won’t forget her.” As an afterthought, he added, “Her favorite color was yellow.”
Hence the yellow roses, which he now remembered her by. A breeze stirred, billowing her skirt—also yellow, like the roses. She smiled to herself. With black hair and blue eyes, Olivia must have been a beauty, especially in yellow. “Is Olivia the ‘white woman friend’ Red Deer sometimes speaks of?”
“I suppose she is. I didn’t want Livvy to go that day,” he went on, “but Sadie was a year old and bundled against the cold, and Olivia wanted to visit her mother. Her mother would come to Lake Tahoe to stay with Livvy’s sister for a time,” he explained. “The cattle were dying with the cold, and I felt Olivia and Sadie would be fine; I was needed here.” His jaw tightened. He slapped his hat against his thigh. “I was wrong.”
Jess had the prickly feeling she wasn’t going to want to hear the rest. He clearly wanted her to know, though, so she waited patiently for him to go on. The first hint of sunrise lit the eastern sky.
“On her way to see her ma, Livvy was…waylaid…by outlaws camped in a bend of the mountain. There was nothing in the wagon worth taking, so it was she they were after. A woman.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “As that day wore on, and I worked the cattle, I felt more and more that I should have gone with her. By mid-afternoon, I could think of nothing else, so I went after them.” He looked at Jess again. “I found them about twenty miles south of here.”
Found them. Jess didn’t know what to say. As a boy, he’d buried his mother, and as a man, he’d buried his wife and daughter. He’d buried her family, too—and her father had been a friend. All along, Jake had known exactly what she was feeling; patiently, and in subtle ways, he had worked to help her through it. Jess searched his face. When she’d asked about the roses, she had never expected this. “Did you ever find the outlaws?”
“I didn’t need to. There were five of them, all lying dead not far from where they’d…” The words caught in his throat. He rephrased them. “Not far from Livvy. It seems they’d had some mighty poor intentions, and Livvy decided to fight rather than give in to them. I guess she knew they’d kill her anyway.” Jake looked down at her, and from his wordless expression, Jess could tell that he hadn’t spoken of it since then. “Near as I can tell, they shot her horses to stop the wagon. Knowing Olivia, she grabbed Sadie and tried to run to protect her, but they caught Livvy. Her arms were bruised and her dress was torn, but she pulled her gun and fired on them, and they fired back.
“I found them both shot, Livvy dead and Sadie lying curled in her arm like she was sleeping. I found the gun in Livvy’s other hand.” His deep voice was filled with pride. “She’d emptied it clean.”
His revelation explained so much—why he had been so determined to keep Jess at the ranch, how upset he became whenever she tried to run, why he’d insisted she learn to shoot. He knew the dangers of the West and the importance of self-defense, lessons that had cost him his precious wife and daughter to learn.
Jake glanced skyward. “But they’re with the Lord now, with my mama…and with your family, too.”
Jess passed her eyes over a carpet of dried yellow roses left from other visits. “You miss them dearly.”
He nodded with a reflective smile. “I can’t wait to see them again.”
“Again?”
“In heaven.”
“That’s a long wait.”
“Not so long. The years have a way of slipping by, especially when you have something at the end to look forward to. Then the Lord will bring us home, and we’ll all be together again.” He looked over at Jess. “I thought you read the Bible.”
“It’s been a while,” she admitted, “and I’ve never thought that far ahead.”
“I’ve learned to look at things differently, I reckon. It’s not as though I’ll never see them again, at least not as long as I don’t stray from the Almighty.” He lifted his eyes to search the bluing sky. “No, we’ll always have Again.”
Jess looked up, as well, recalling that Ambrose had used nearly the same words in the last letter he ever wrote. “That’s why I’ve wanted to go to the cemetery where my family is buried, to be close to them.” She glanced pointedly at the roses that dotted the grave. “Surely, you understand that need.”
His steady gaze met hers. “I do. For almost a year, hardly a week went by that I didn’t come out here. There were times when I came nearly every day.”
“Were?” As soon as the question was out, Jess wished she could take it back. She didn’t want to know what were meant.
Jake faced her squarely. “Jess, I came here tonight to say good-bye to her. I won’t forget her or Sadie, but their time here is done. So is your family’s, but I still have now, and so do you.”
Jess started to shake her head and took a step back. The old, familiar fear climbed up her spine.
“We’re right for each other, Jess. What we both want is here. The open land, the sky above us, the horses.”
Desperate to be away, Jess turned and hurried toward Meg.
Jake caught hold of her arm and gently pulled her around to face him. He held her shoulders firmly. “No. You’re not running this time.”
Jess clenched her jaw and squirmed.
“Jess, listen.”
“No!”
“Losing your folks was hard on you. I know, because losing my ma killed a part of me. Later, when I met Olivia, I knew she was right for me, and I was committed to her. We got married, but it still took me a long to give her my heart. Are you hearing me? I wasn’t ready to chance losing it again.”
Jess twisted away from his hold and started walking in no particular direction. Jake stayed put but kept talking, more fervently now.
“In time, I did love Olivia, and with all my heart. She gave me Sadie, and then I lost them. After that, I kept working the ranch, but I believed my life was over.” Tears now streamed down Jess’s cheeks. She turned around and looked into his eyes. “But then I met you, and I know now that no matter how much I fear losing you, it is nothing compared to my fear of never getting the chance to love you at all.”
Jess stilled abruptly and stared up at him in amazement. She felt as though he’d just offered her the sun, moon, and stars—and that he was capable of delivering them. At that thought, every memory of him came rushing back—every time he’d stood between her and danger, each moment he’d been there for her. Her heart took a step forward. She wanted him, she realized—she wanted him for always.
In the next instant, that longing was swallowed by a threat so great it felt like a chasm opening beneath her, consuming her.
“Jess, what—?”
All her fear, all her rage, all her desperation erupted in one explosive shout. “I don’t want to love you!”
Jake’s gaze locked with hers. “Tell me why, Jess.”
“I’m afraid! I’m afraid it’ll be taken away…afraid you’ll be taken away! I don’t know how to love only a little!”
Jake took a step toward her. “I know you don’t.”
She was trembling. “I don’t want things to change between us. I want to work the ranch together, and live here with you, and…and…”
“And what, Jess? You want me to stop loving you?”
“No!”
“You want me never to hold you?”
She shook her head, gasping for breath through her tears.
“Should I stop walking with you, caring about you, keeping you safe?” He didn’t give her a chance to answer. “I want to share my life with you. I want to wake every morning with you by my side. I want to give you children to love, calves to feed, and horses to name.” Je
ss smiled behind the wet wisps of hair clinging to her temples. “I want to see you rip buttons out of the men’s johns and watch you shoot crooked.” Now she was laughing. “I want to watch you cut cattle out of the herd. I want to see the firelight reflected in your hair. I want to raise horses and not be doing it alone.” Jake had sobered. So had she. “I need you, Jess. I need you with me.”
Her tears stopped entirely. Jess wasn’t sure how he’d ended up so close to her. She wasn’t sure of anything at the moment, except that she wanted him to be even closer.
Jess felt his arms embrace her, meeting at the small of her back. She burrowed against him, listening to the beat of his heart—strong and sure. It was a sound she could easily grow accustomed to.
What if you lose him? her old doubts asked. From somewhere inside came the reply: If you walk away from what you have now, you’ll lose him anyway.
The rising sun burst upon the horizon. Jess turned her face away, suddenly realizing how tired she was. She told him so.
Briefly, Jake hugged her tighter. “Let’s go back.”
Neither spoke as they walked together toward the horses, Jake setting his hat on his head.
At the juniper tree, he untied Meg and gave Jess a leg up into the saddle. Once he’d settled on Cielos, his eyes found hers.
“I’ll need time,” she finally said.
He answered softly, “You have it.”
Chapter Sixteen
As the days grew longer, Jess’s work increased, for the heat of late summer sought to drain the life from growing vegetables and grains. She and the Paiute women worked constantly to keep the garden sufficiently watered. It was the hardest summer Jess had ever known. For more reasons than the weather.
For weeks, she had felt a growing sense of unease. She would jump at sounds and shifting shadows, and even the ranch hands kept their rifles closer than before. Jess wanted to believe that another attack would never come, but she knew as soon as the thought crossed her mind that that would not be the case. Too many fires had been set, too many cattle had been stolen, and too many watchful men had passed by to sweep out the door as of no consequence. Besides, she knew it in her gut.
Furthermore, Jake had assigned cattle-tending to the others so that he and his best horsemen could focus their efforts on breaking the mustangs. He worked longer hours than ever, and in his rare free moments, as well as at mealtimes, he casually kept his distance from Jess. She knew that it was partly to prevent the men from speculating about them and partly to give her time to think. And she quickly found that not being close to him distressed her more than she could have imagined.
In mid-August, she finally sought out her longtime confidant.
“Ho Chen?” Stepping in from the blinding outdoors, she couldn’t see him in the dimness of the cookhouse.
“I am by cooking table, Miss Jessie,” he called.
Jess closed the door quietly, then made her way to where Ho Chen was preparing the noon meal.
“You’re welcome to leave off the ‘Miss,’ Ho Chen,” she said. “I’d hardly be taken for the daughter of a business owner anymore.”
Ho Chen returned her smile. He continued to observe her as she fitfully scrubbed her hands in the washbasin. He turned back to the cutting board. “You are hungry?”
Jess dried her hands. “No, I—” Abruptly, she fell silent. She took up a carving knife and a piece of meat, which she began cutting into cubes. “I wanted to talk to you, if I could.”
Wordlessly, Ho Chen reached up for a string of onions, then began to peel off their outermost skins. He was listening.
“Jake and I have begun to care for each other, and he’s asked me to marry him. I think I even love him, but since the fire, I’ve lived in terror of losing someone again. Now when I think of marrying…” She shook her head, sawing the meat more vigorously. “He’s been patient, Ho Chen—so patient. He’s never once pushed for my answer. I feel my love for him building, but as it does, so do my worries. Now I’m starting to wonder: what will it take to pull me one way or the other? How will I ever know?” She gave up all pretense of helping and slammed down the knife. Her eyes were tearing as they met his. “What am I supposed to do?”
Ho Chen set down his knife and the onions and wiped his hands on a cloth. He thought for a moment, then spoke. “I remember your father say, ‘A man is never any better than he is when he is at his worst.’ You need chance to see Mr. Bennett at time of great trouble to know for yourself what kind of man he truly is. Any man can show kindness when there are no troubles. It is in the trials he must face that he will show his honor or his shame. This is what you must wait for. When you see how deep his worth, love will overcome, and fear will no longer matter.”
Jess reflected on his words. Then she looked up, searching his face. “You think I should marry him.”
“I know you almost four years, Miss Jessie,” he said. “After fire, I see you very, very sad. Then I see you grow happy with this place and these people, and I know your Mr. Bennett. I know his worth.”
She thanked him and excused herself. And as she walked out of the cookhouse, his voice trailed her. “But it is not I who must be certain.” He picked up his knife and began chopping again.
***
September arrived, and still no rain had come to water the land. The grain crops failed. Most of the vegetable garden had survived, though, and Ho Chen worked with Jess and the Paiute women to harvest the plants and to store the vegetables for the coming winter.
Nearly all the mustangs had been saddle-broken. Since autumn roundup was only a month away, the men began to discuss which mustangs to sell in the weeks ahead and which to keep for breeding or for use on the ranch. Jake sent three of the cattlemen to Fort Churchill and to every town between the ranch and Carson City to search out buyers for the mustangs. He and the other cattlemen stayed behind to finish the breaking.
Whenever Jess had a few free hours, she rode to the Indian village to visit Red Deer. Her friend was terribly thin for one so far along in her pregnancy, and Jess feared for her. Though Red Deer always cheered up to see Jess, she was quieter now, and she rose less and less often when Jess arrived. She no longer spoke of the nightmares she’d had, but Jess knew by the dark shadows beneath her eyes that she was still not sleeping well. When she voiced her concern, Red Deer only assured her that such things sometimes happened when a woman was nearing the time for childbirth.
Jess continued weaving late at night, hoping to finish the blanket before the baby came. She became adept at twisting in colored yarns with consistent pressure, and her fingers bled where the woolen strands chafed them. Still, she kept at her task, no longer weaving for Red Deer’s baby but for Red Deer herself. Completing it would encourage Red Deer to fight for her very life. Into the orange background, Jess had woven colorful symbols: a large gray wolf to signify the child’s father and, opposite it, a circlet of the yellow flowers for which Red Deer had been named. In the very center, she wove a cradle basket like those the Paiute women fashioned for infants. Immediately beside it, with its graceful neck curved, stood a beautiful and nurturing doe, colored red.
It was on her return to the ranch after a visit in the Paiute village that the relative peacefulness Jess had come to know was shattered.
At first, only a single crack! echoed from the direction of the compound. Jess slowed Meg, alarmed by the odd sound. In the next instant, the entire ranch resounded with an explosion of gunfire.
The anticipation was over.
With a sharp kick, Jess sent Meg flying toward the distant buildings. She was already gripping her gun. The loss of her family might have been the start of a fanatical swath of terror, but she would allow no other settlers to be harmed, no matter their origins. This would be the end of it.
Her eyes scanned the rapidly passing landscape to see mounted ranch hands racing in from the range.
As she neared the compound, she saw several horsemen with bandanas over their faces firing on the ranch hands, who fired
back. One of the cattlemen fell.
Blood pounded in her veins. Four of the outlaws headed for the gate of the farthest corral…and the mustangs.
Jess cocked the hammer of her gun as she rounded the stable. She leveled the revolver.
BOOM!
The report from her gun was lost in the roar of the others; yet one horse fled, its saddle empty.
A sound like a buzzing bee whizzed past her ear. Blinking back the fear that seized her, she aimed again and fired.
Her eyes found Jake’s as he mounted Cielos. He yelled something she couldn’t hear, gesturing violently with his gun.
Jess ignored him.
Several ranch hands were on foot, but most of them had gained their horses and were preparing to counter the attack.
Jess saw a renegade leap from his horse and reach for the mustang gate. She fired, splintering the wooden post near his hand.
The man jerked back, seeing a horse with an empty saddle charging toward him. He dove out of its path.
The mustangs, mares, and foals panicked, throwing themselves against the far side of their corrals in an effort to break free of the enclosures.
All at once, Taggart was riding on Jess’s left, Seth on her right. The three parted ways as the outlaws rode in from every direction. Jess was determined to hold her own.
When she found herself free from pursuit for a moment, she scanned the fracas for Jake. A galloping horse suddenly reared before her, its eyes rolling white as it fell over backward, crushing its rider beneath it. She saw Jake, thirty feet away. He was holding off two renegades while a third gunman rode in, unseen, behind him. With a stab of her heels, Jess sent Meg in an arching leap over the fallen horse, barely registering the irate expression Jake was directing at her.
Holding out her gun, she sighted along her arm and focused on the curled fist of the outlaw behind Jake. She pulled the trigger. Jake’s expression changed to bewilderment. He turned to see a pistol flung from the hand of the man who had been aiming at his back.