In 2004, Russell Research conducted a survey for the Anxiety Disorders Association of America (ADAA) that looked at how GAD affects relationships, including romantic relationships, friendships, and relationships in the workplace. The respondents included 530 people diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. The results probably won’t surprise you: Most of the people with GAD indicated that anxiety had a significant effect on their relationships, and romantic relationships seemed to suffer most. Two-thirds of the people surveyed said they felt their romantic relationships would improve if they could eliminate their anxiety. I think it’s safe to assume that those who suffer from any type of anxiety—whether it has a label or not—probably feel the same way.
This chapter will take a close look at how your partner’s anxiety is affecting your relationship. At the end of each section, you’ll find a short writing exercise to help you assess and evaluate how your relationship has been affected by your partner’s anxiety, so grab your journal and a pen or pencil. Don’t skip these exercises, as what you write will be useful later, when you read about how to make changes in your relationship to help reduce or eliminate your partner’s anxiety.
Communication and Anxiety
Anyone who knows anything about romantic relationships will tell you that good communication between partners is essential. How else can you manage day-to-day responsibilities, make decisions, work out the challenges that arise, and simply let one another know how much you value each other and the relationship?
Unfortunately, your partner’s anxiety can interfere with good communication. Depending on the severity of the anxiety and the circumstances in which your partner feels anxious, communication breakdowns may arise that can lead to serious consequences for your relationship. Your partner may have problems reacting appropriately to what you say, may have trouble expressing her feelings, or may misinterpret the meaning of what you say because she hears it through the filter of her anxiety—a filter that can twist a benign comment into something that was never intended and cause your partner to react in surprising or even baffling ways. She may also appear to be irritable, inflexible, or just plain rude for no good reason. If you find yourself wondering what you did to deserve such a reaction, what might actually be happening is that your partner is feeling anxious but can’t express it.
How Communication Anxiety Can Affect Your Relationship
Your partner’s anxiety affects her emotionally, and depending on how her feelings manifest, it may affect you as a result of seeing her experiencing those feelings. Some people with anxiety tend to suppress their feelings. Feelings in their full expression have a lot of power, and they can be scary, especially for people who grew up in an environment where it wasn’t okay to have negative emotions, such as anger, sadness, or frustration.
By suppressing her feelings, your partner may be trying to maintain control over her world. In addition, she may try to keep her emotions inside because she’s afraid of overwhelming you with them. This is especially likely if the feelings are negative. Your partner may feel anxious about hurting your feelings or damaging the relationship if “the truth”—whatever that is—comes out. The irony is that the more your partner denies herself the expression of her feelings, the more anxious she’ll become. This is one reason why suppressed feelings can be overwhelming when they finally do surface.
On the other hand, it may seem as though the only thing your partner expresses is strong feelings. If so, this can be overwhelming for both of you and difficult to manage appropriately. If your partner isn’t able to hold back her thoughts and feelings, you may often feel as if it’s your responsibility to help alleviate whatever is triggering her anxiety. However, this can create negative thoughts and feelings for you, and “saving” your partner in this way isn’t always the best idea, for reasons I’ll explain in the next chapter.
Your partner may also feel that it’s risky to express what she thinks or feels if she’s unsure what the outcome of the conversation will be. Her anxiety has probably resulted in low confidence in her ability to support herself and her opinion, so she’s likely to be concerned about what will happen if you don’t understand her message or react negatively to what she has to say. She may need time to plan and rehearse what she wants to tell you and additional time to consider your response and continue the conversation. In chapter 4, you’ll learn strategies to help the two of you communicate better, even when anxiety threatens to derail the conversation.
Another way that anxiety can affect communication is if your partner doesn’t admit to her anxiety and instead acts irritable or rude or does something else to push you away. Avoidance probably seems easier than dealing with anxiety, and it can also help your partner feel as if she still has some control over the situation. As a result, she may try to derail the conversation, even if her behavior is out of character. People often don’t realize that their irritability and avoidance behaviors are directly linked to their anxiety. All they know is that they feel uncomfortable, and therefore they react before considering their behavior. This makes it difficult to have a meaningful or effective conversation.
Exercise: Signs and Symptoms of Partner Anxiety
How do you know when your partner feels anxious about communicating with you? In your journal, make a list of the physical signals she gives, the words she tends to use, and the behaviors that indicate she’s feeling anxious. You may want to refer back to the section “Common Anxiety Symptoms,” in chapter 1, to help you identify the symptoms your partner displays.
Also think about how your partner’s anxiety around communication has affected your relationship and write about this in your journal. List some specific instances when more effective communication between the two of you could have made a difference.
Anxiety in Social Settings
Being in social situations is often a huge issue for people with anxiety. They may avoid routine social situations that others think nothing of, such as going out for lunch or dinner with their partner or friends, making social phone calls, or attending family functions. They may also get anxious in day-to-day settings where other people are present, such as work environments, exercise facilities, and busy medical offices. For the purposes of this discussion, let’s consider “social setting” to be any place where other people are present.
Two-thirds of the respondents in the ADAA survey of people with GAD said that they avoid some social situations (Russell Research 2004). This can lead to isolation and potential breakdown of relationships, and can also create a self-perpetuating cycle in which increased anxiety about others’ thoughts and feelings and the status of relationships leads to more avoidance.
Although social anxiety disorder is one of the six diagnosable anxiety disorders, your partner need not meet the criteria for this disorder to be anxious in social settings. Many types of anxiety can affect how your partner feels in social settings.
Behaviors That Indicate Anxiety in Social Settings
Although your partner may act “normally” when at home or in other “safe” situations, in social situations her anxiety might turn her into someone you don’t recognize. She may behave completely differently when she has to interact with others. For example, you may notice that she talks more, talks less or not at all, stutters, becomes tongue-tied when spoken to directly, or relies on you to drive conversations with other people. She may also show physical signs of discomfort, such as not making eye contact, fidgeting, playing with her hair or nails, blushing, perspiring, or even walking away from conversations or leaving the room abruptly.
Once safely at home, your partner may feel the need to analyze the situation obsessively, worrying what others thought of her behavior and criticizing herself for not being more talkative, knowledgeable, friendly, and so on, and she may continue to ruminate about the event for an extended period of time afterward. She might even blame you for putting her in the situation in the first place. This dynamic can make both you and your partner wary about future social events.<
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If your partner has panic disorder, agoraphobia, OCD, or a specific phobia, this can also prevent her from being able to participate in many social events. For example, going to a concert at an arena packed with people probably won’t be a pleasant experience, nor would attending a sporting event, going to a movie at a theater, or possibly even eating out. Triggers for anxiety abound in social settings, largely because these situations are beyond your partner’s control. As a result, your options for activities as a couple can become severely limited.
Worry Thoughts about Social Situations
People with anxiety about social situations tend to worry about social events beforehand and to ruminate about what they could have done differently or should have done afterward. They tend to overestimate either the likelihood that something bad will happen or the severity of the consequences if the feared outcome actually occurs. Here are some examples of common thoughts related to anxiety in social situations:
If I go to this event, I’m going to embarrass myself. Everyone will look at me and know how messed up my life is. I shouldn’t even go.
My clothes (hair, job, and so on) aren’t good enough for me to attend this function. Everyone will think I’m lazy (ugly, unintelligent, such a slob, and so on).
What if someone asks me a question and I can’t get the words out to respond or I say something ridiculous? I’ll be so humiliated.
I shouldn’t have made that comment. I’m so stupid! I can never show my face there again.
What if the silverware at the restaurant hasn’t been washed properly? I’ll probably catch some disease and die.
There are going to be thousands of people at the concert. What if I have a panic attack and can’t escape?
Although people who experience anxiety in social settings usually know that their thoughts are distorted, it’s still difficult to overcome these thoughts without deliberate effort and practice. And for you, it can be tiring to feel you must constantly reassure your partner that everything is okay.
How Anxiety in Social Settings Can Affect Your Relationship
Having a partner who’s prone to anxiety about social situations can have a large impact on your life and your relationship. Positive interactions with others are important for developing and maintaining friendships and other relationships, for connecting to the larger community, and for expanding opportunities, whether professional, such as by networking at a business dinner where partners are invited, or personal, such as when gathering to celebrate the birthday of a friend or family member.
If your partner’s anxiety prevents you from socializing with others, the resulting sense of isolation can lead to unhappiness, loneliness, and even depression. In addition, you may feel guilty about missing certain social events and blame your partner. When you have to repeatedly explain why your partner isn’t with you or why you need to leave gatherings early, resentment and frustration toward your partner can build up. Other people may ask you outright what’s wrong with your partner or stop extending invitations because they expect you’ll turn them down.
And because you care about your partner, it can be frustrating for you to hear her disparage herself when you can plainly see that she didn’t offend anyone or do anything embarrassing. On the other hand, if others do react negatively to something your partner says or does, it can be challenging to balance supporting your partner with maintaining your relationships with others. You may feel defensive on behalf of your partner and want to protect her or explain her behavior, or you may align with others and feel that your partner needs to learn to manage her anxiety, which can lead to conflicts in your relationship.
Anxiety about social situations can also show up in more subtle ways; for example, your partner may not clearly articulate her anxieties but instead do things like refuse to go to a party or routinely reject your ideas about going out and spending time with others. She may offer vague excuses, such as, “Well, we’ll see how I feel that day,” or “I’d rather just stay home tonight,” leaving you feeling frustrated as you try to figure out why she isn’t interested in socializing. Your partner may be ashamed to admit to her anxiety or afraid of disappointing you and therefore resorts to this sort of “wet blanket” mentality to conceal her anxiety.
In chapter 6, you’ll find specific strategies to ease your partner’s anxiety about social situations and techniques the two of you can practice so that socializing becomes less of a problem for your partner.
Exercise: Your Partner’s Anxiety in Public
Does your partner become a different person in social situations? Check off all the behaviors you notice your partner engaging in when the two of you are socializing:
___________ Sitting alone or disappearing for long periods of time
___________ Refusing to leave your side
___________ Asking to leave early
___________ Not contributing to the conversation, even though she is knowledgeable about the topic or attempts have been made to include her
___________ Consuming alcohol excessively (relative to her usual amounts)
___________ Being irritable or picking a fight with you prior to the event
Behaviors that occur before or after social situations can also provide clues that your partner has anxiety related to social settings. For example, your partner may frequently turn down invitations or refuse to go to social events, especially at the last minute. Or if she does go, afterward she may engage in a play-by-play analysis of what transpired and her performance during the event. For each behavior you checked off, use your journal to write a description of what happened and how you handled it. Refer back to what you write in response when reading chapters 5 and 6 and consider which of the techniques in those chapters might be most useful for helping your partner cope with social anxiety in the future.
Sexual Intimacy and Anxiety
Sexual problems are frequently cited as a common reason why couples struggle, and if one person in the couple has anxiety, this issue can be even more pronounced. Let’s take a quick look at why this is the case. At its most basic level, the function of sex is procreation. Although that may not be what you and your partner are interested in right now, a person’s body won’t respond appropriately to sexual cues if the environment doesn’t feel safe for having offspring. Your partner may need to actively practice relaxation techniques and reframe her anxious thoughts in order to convince her body that she is safe so that sex will be a pleasurable experience.
There may also be specific reasons why your partner feels anxiety around sex, including past trauma, performance concerns, pain during intercourse, feeling unattractive, and religious beliefs that may not align with your expectations for sexual intimacy. Many of these issues are best addressed through professional therapy or, in the case of pain or performance problems, by speaking with a doctor to rule out physical problems.
Behaviors That Indicate Sexual Anxiety
Behaviors that may indicate that your partner is anxious about sexual intimacy include avoiding sex by going to bed early or in a separate room, picking a fight to avoid intimacy, making excuses about why sex isn’t a good idea at the time, or insisting on having the lights turned off or having sheets or clothes arranged in a certain way to minimize exposure. Among men, sexual anxiety can make it difficult to achieve or maintain an erection or lead to premature ejaculation or the inability to orgasm. For women, sexual anxiety can cause an inability to orgasm and pain during intercourse and may also contribute to a lack of enjoyment during sex.
Thoughts That Contribute to Sexual Anxiety
Most people experience anxiety around sex at some point in life. But for people who are anxious, the thoughts that accompany sex can be paralyzing and ruin the experience. Here are some of the more common thoughts that occur:
If he sees what I look like naked, he won’t want to have sex. I’m so fat (hairy, pale, bloated, ugly, and so on).
My anxiety keeps me from being able to maintain an erection. I love her, but I
feel like such a loser when I ejaculate too early.
Because I was sexually abused, I’m damaged goods. No one will want to have sex with me.
If I can’t bring her to orgasm, it means I’m not a real man. What’s wrong with me?
If I don’t have sex with him, he’ll leave me and find another woman.
A healthy and satisfying sex life is an essential part of successful partner relationships, and having thoughts like these clearly interferes. Chapters 5 and 6 offer specific techniques that can help your partner reduce anxiety related to sex, which may bring enjoyment back into your bedroom.
How Sexual Anxiety Can Affect Your Relationship
If your partner has anxiety because of a history of sexual trauma, intimacy is likely to be a challenge no matter how close and trusting your relationship. This probably doesn’t have anything to do with you; rather, it reflects your partner’s need to process the trauma in a safe environment with a trained professional. If your partner is currently working through her trauma in therapy, you may notice a significant decrease in her sexual interest while she’s exploring the issue. However, if this decrease in libido continues for very long after processing the trauma with a trained professional, other issues may be interfering with your sexual relationship. In that case, the two of you may want to consider trying couples counseling with a therapist who specializes in sexual issues.
For people with OCD, having sex can be unthinkable. It isn’t uncommon for them to have trouble becoming sexually aroused, be afraid of sex, and/or feel outright disgusted by the thought of “contamination” as a result of having sex. These issues can be addressed with appropriate medications and talk therapy.
Loving Someone with Anxiety Page 4