by Dale Mayer
Jonathon. She missed him so much.
So many buttons pushed already this week, and it was early in the week…
She was going to be a different person by the end of the week. It remained to be seen if that was a good thing or not.
There was a knock on the door. She frowned but threw back her covers, and just dressed in her cami and underwear, she approached the door. “Hello?”
“It’s me,” Sean said from the other side.
She instinctively opened the door wide enough to peer around the edge. “What’s up?”
She studied him, still blinking the sleep out of her eyes. He looked great. Like he’d had a dozen hours of sleep. She envied him.
“Breakfast. It’s late.” He motioned down the hallway. “I wanted to make sure you were up.”
“Just.” She yawned. “How late is it?”
“Almost 8:45am.”
Damn.
“I’ll be ready in five.” And she slammed the door.
Turning around, she stared bleary-eyed at the room and the tossed up bedding then galvanized into action. She dressed quickly, tossed the bedding back into place with a few quick movements, and rushed out the door. There wasn’t even time to eat. And that was also no good. She walked into the seminar late enough that Jenna was already talking to the class. There was only one place left. Beside Sean.
Crap. She slipped into place, hoping to ignore this man who disturbed her too much. He reached over and placed a takeout cup of coffee and a still-warm muffin in front of her.
Oh happy sigh. She might want a break from him, but there was no doubt that a man who would go out of his way to make sure you were awake in time to start the day and then think far enough ahead to make sure you had a hot coffee and a bite to eat was a definite keeper. And the ice around her heart melted a little bit more.
Three hours later, she’d settled into place. Coffee, lectures, a couple of group sessions, and she was feeling more normal. More centered. Nothing had pushed her buttons. It was all good.
She was looking forward to catching up with Tania over lunch. See how her week was going. She’d watched her with the big muscleman Kane a few times and had been worried for her. They’d managed to catch a few private moments to talk so far but that was all. That Tania was still functioning and managing to be relatively calm and normal said a lot about her state of mind. And her progress. Although maybe nothing in her world had blown up – yet.
And just like that, all the thoughts, worries, that sense of increasing dread that she’d worked so hard at keeping under lock and key came flooding back into her mind. She didn’t want to go back to the hospital. Didn’t want to see those kids. Didn’t want to go back out in the world. This hotel was not home, but it was as safe a territory as she could claim here.
In an hour – maybe two – she’d have to leave. And she didn’t want to. Didn’t dare to. She had no way to know what would happen. But she knew all kinds of horrible things could.
She walked into the dining room when her cell phone went off. She pulled out her phone and stared down at the text message. No, not possible. Everything inside of her revolted.
Sean spoke just then, startling her. “Are you ready? We’ll pick up something on the way if you’re hungry.”
Blindly, she looked around the dining room slowly filling up, her gaze landing on Tania a few tables in front of her. How could she get out of this? Push it back at least another hour. She wasn’t ready, her mind screamed.
Sean reached out and snagged her arm gently. “Let’s go.”
And she went.
*
Sean had read his text, looked up to locate Robin, and found her frozen in place with her phone in her hand. It was the look of blind panic in her eyes that had gotten to him. She’d been chipper and happy all morning. Too chipper and too happy. He’d watched her interact with the others, getting into the swing of the morning lectures and the smaller group projects. He doubted anyone else had noticed the overloud voice, the over-enthusiastic agreements. The too bright smile. But he had. And he hadn’t been able to keep his gaze off of her.
Now she looked to be on the verge of an all-out panic attack. That couldn’t happen. He’d never get her to the hospital if she did that.
“What kind of food do you fancy?”
Her voice wooden, she replied, “I couldn’t eat a thing.”
“I could.” His stomach took that opportunity to growl at him. “In fact, I’m going to need to.” He kept his hand on her arm and dragged her gently out the front door. As she had her purse with her and as the day was warm, he figured that maybe he could nudge her straight out to his truck. He didn’t know what he’d do about food, but it looked like takeout was on the menu. Not that eating and driving was a good idea.
The earlier he got Robin to the hospital, the earlier they could leave. She obviously didn’t like this shift in their schedule. He was a roll-with-the punches-kind-of-guy. Paris needed a little more warning.
Like Robin.
He got her outside before she’d realized it. He was glad he’d stashed his art stuff inside the truck already this morning. If he’d had to go and get it now, he’d have a much harder time with her. He also needed food before he started another marathon art session. It was only as he led her to the truck that she baulked. And he remembered how she felt about driving.
Was nothing easy?
“You did fine yesterday. Sure, every time is a new time, but you’ve got this. In the scale of all the other things you’ve got to deal with, this one is easy. So let’s just do it.”
He opened the truck and helped her up onto the seat. He had her buckled in and the door shut before she had a chance to protest. He hopped into the driver’s side and made short work of getting the truck out onto the main road.
There was a drive-through sandwich place up ahead. He pulled in and ordered two large subs for the two of them. Realizing it was useless to ask her preferences given her frozen features, he also ordered two bottles of water to go with the meal.
After accepting the food and paying, he did a drive around the block so he could get back onto the road heading in the direction they needed to go.
He checked the dashboard clock. They were going to be a little early. That meant eating in the parking lot.
So be it.
The drive took longer today with the heavy lunch hour traffic. He pulled the truck into the hospital parking lot, found a spot close to where they’d parked yesterday, and shut off the engine. He opened up the bag of food and pulled out a sandwich. He handed it to her. “Eat.”
She stared at him and frowned. “I’m not hungry.”
“Yes, you are. And your stomach needs this. All that stress and tension is eating away at you from the inside. Give it real food to work on and save the lining of your stomach.”
She accepted the sandwich and rested it on her lap. He handed her the bottle of water. Then he pulled out his lunch, opened the wrapping, and took a big bite.
Food. He closed his eyes and let his stomach catch up with the message as he methodically ate his sandwich. He’d missed too many meals in his life to be interested in missing any more.
Chapter 14
Robin stared down at the paper-wrapped sandwich then over at Sean. He ate with gusto. Enjoying this moment. This meal. This bite. It didn’t take much to realize he was a large appetite kind of guy. He did make the sandwich sound good. She slowly unwrapped hers and peered at the filling. Looked like layers of mixed meat and lots of veggies. Her kind of sandwich. Tempted, she picked it up and took a tentative bite. The aroma of salami and tomato with a hint of mustard caught her nose at the same time as her taste buds sat up and paid attention. It was good. Actually, it was really good.
She didn’t realize it but within minutes, she was well into her big sub. She looked sideways and caught Sean staring at her with a big grin on his face. She scowled at him. “What are you looking at?”
“You. Glad to see you’re enjoying it.�
�
She glanced down, realized she was almost done, and said, “I am. Thanks.”
“No problem.” He unscrewed the bottle of water and drained it mostly dry.
She watched one eyebrow rise as he kept pouring down the liquid. She thought she drank a lot of water, but he had her beat in that department.
Afterwards, she finished her sandwich, crumpled up the wrapper, and popped it back into the bag. She opened her bottle, took a drink, and said, “Okay, let’s do this.”
She opened her truck door and hopped out while he was still absorbing her words. She didn’t wait to see if he followed or not. She heard the truck door open and slam shut followed by long strides hitting the pavement until he was beside her. But he never said a word.
Good. She was taking advantage of a momentary surge of courage to get into the building. With any luck, she’d make it into the damn ward too.
But it wasn’t to be. As soon as the elevator doors closed in her face, she could feel her stomach knot up. She swallowed hard. Then again. Under her breath, she repeated, “I can do this. I can do this, I can do this.”
“And you can,” Sean said quietly at her side. “Easily.”
That was when she realized he’d heard her. “I wish I believed you.”
He laughed.
She refused to let him get to her. She got that this was easy for him. That he did understand what this trip was doing to her. However, there was nothing funny about it. And that was something he should have gotten.
The heavy metal doors slid open. She tensed up inside. Taking a deep breath, she walked forward.
“Have you got some kind of plan of action as to how to handle this today?” Sean asked quietly at her side.
She shot him a sharp look. “Survive.”
“How about asking something really small of yourself that would make it an improvement on yesterday?”
She tried to focus on his words. “Like what?”
“Maybe sit facing forward so that the kids can check you out in a different way.”
“What good would that do?” She could do it easily enough, but she wasn’t sure it would make any difference.
“It’s something.”
She shrugged. As far as that went, it was a pretty damn small something. Yet her mind caught on the concept. Was there a small step she could take? Regardless of how small, it would be a step in the right direction. Progress was progress…no matter how small.
In the distance, she heard shrieks of laughter covering up the din of quieter screams. The kids.
She stopped in the middle of the hallway. She couldn’t do this. She went to turn around when she was suddenly jerked off to the one side. She glared at Sean.
“I’m fine.”
“Right. That’s why you’re standing in the way. Come on.” He gave her arm a gentle jerk and shifted her in the direction of the kids’ ward. “We can get through this.”
He walked a half step in front of her, making her feel like she was being dragged. Probably how it looked to everyone else, too. She hated this ball of fear in her stomach that was sinking lower and lower.
Hated that she felt this way. She understood the phrase ‘giving away her power’ but hadn’t really recognized a situation where she’d done just that.
But this was as close as she could imagine it being.
The double doors were in front of them. Sean stopped, gave her a hard look, and said, “Now buck up. We’re here. Don’t go in there looking like a victim.”
Her head snapped back. She glowered at him. “What if that’s how I feel?”
“Tough. Deal with it.” He surprised her with the harshness of his tone. “I don’t care about how you feel right now. You don’t give those kids any more reason to worry than they already have.” He reached up and snagged her chin, lifting it to glare into her eyes. “Consider that these visits maybe aren’t just about you. Maybe they are for the kids. So give a little – don’t just take.”
He dropped her chin and strode through the door, his big portfolio banging against the door. She stood in shock and listened to the kids screaming his name. Where had his anger come from? Maybe she had deserved it, but it didn’t explain the source.
Then again, she hadn’t considered if these visits were causing him stress, too. Jenna had to have a reason for both of them coming here. He was right. She’d been so focused on her problems she hadn’t considered the impact of their visits on the kids or the impact on him. Ugh.
Stumbling in the changing landscape of her reality once again, she followed behind him, watching his interaction with the boys. Sure enough when they saw her, they quieted slightly and stepped back a little. Giving her space. And she realized that they weren’t so much afraid of her face – they couldn’t see it after all – they were more afraid because she was sending out scary vibes.
She was scaring the kids just by her own fear and the walls she’d put up to keep them away.
Talking about seeing a different perspective. She slowly made her way over to the table where Sean was setting up his work. The same little boy, Jon, stood watching at the side of the table. As she approached, he held his ground. Her heart ached. He was so young. And was going through something traumatic from the thin look to him. He was mobile, with crutches, but his hair was too thin and his eyes too big. She’d promised herself she wouldn’t focus on any one child – especially not any one boy – in order to try and keep her sanity. She hadn’t expected that one particular boy would focus on her.
Jon’s gaze had locked on her face. Watching every move she made. He’d said she was scary yesterday. Maybe she could take one step forward. Not for her sake, for his.
“Hi,” she said.
Jon’s gaze widened. His gamine grin lit up his face, temporarily pushing the abnormally white skin and heavy black circles under his eyes away. “Hi.”
She was disarmed. With a sigh, she sat down on the same chair as she had last time and faced him. Just like Sean had suggested.
*
Sean watched Robin’s actions from the corner of his eye. He hadn’t wanted to be so hard on her, but she’d needed something to snap her out of her mood.
He’d seen some people, namely Paris, frozen by her emotions, but had assumed she was the odd case. Robin was proving that theory to be wrong. He smiled down at the kids who clamored around him, “Give me a moment to unpack, then you can all see the drawing. I did a bit more on it. Maybe if it all goes well today, there will be a couple of other pictures for you to look at soon.”
He smiled as several jumped up and raced to the far side of the room as if understanding that he couldn’t work if they bugged him.
A couple of the boys stayed behind, quietly watchful as he opened up his portfolio and took out his sketchbook and pencils. He was looking forward to sketching today. The picture had been sitting on the back of his mind, his fingers itching to work on it. In fact, after getting back to his room from the pool, he’d done a bit of work on it. He hadn’t planned to, but there’d been something about the little boy that had needed something more. He’d spent only a half hour on it, but the way the boy’s eyes look had gone from good to right was perfect. And that was important.
There’d been something in that little boy’s gaze. And it hadn’t let Sean go until he caught just that look. It bothered him that the space for Robin was blank. He was supposed to be drawing Robin.
Not the boys and Robin, but Robin and the boys. At the moment, he looked to be getting an F on this report.
And he didn’t care one bit. He stared around at the kids’ faces as he opened the pages to the right place and watched the several heads crowd closer. These kids could use whatever was available to make their day brighter.
He’d been one of them at one time. He understood. More so as these kids likely had family. Friends. Someone who cared for them. He’d watched from the outside. Hurt on the inside. Alone, he’d taken refuge in defiance. Pride. Aggression. It had made it easier to think of the world as
one he had to battle. One where he needed to strike out first before he was struck himself.
He sorted through the pencils on the table and turned to a clean page. He started with long lean lightning strokes, trying to capture the sense of the kids staring at them. Their gazes moved with the long strokes of black, as if willing the image to show up clear enough for them to identify what it was. To guess what he was drawing. Then one boy shouted, “Hey, that’s Mark.”
A little boy leaned forward. “No way, that doesn’t look anything like me.”
Sean smiled quietly and let his hand add a little shading, thickening the line around the ear, adding a few tufts of hair.
Mark said, “Hey, it is me. That’s so cool.”
“Do me. Can you draw me too?” asked Jon, his voice weak, his body frail compared to the two robust boys he stood with. Sean glanced up, caught the wistful look in the boy’s eyes, and his heart ached a little. No wonder this little guy affected Robin so deeply. “Sure,” he said, “I’ll give it a try.”
He shifted to a different corner of the page and with a softer stroke, he quickly sketched in several curls a small upturned nose, freckles, and the long scrawny neck. It was the look in this boy’s eyes Sean wanted to capture. The lost, not-expecting-life-to-get-any-better look, yet shining in from the back was something that made his heart warm…the glint of hope.
These kids needed all the hope they could get.
Chapter 15
“Wow.” Jon stared at his picture. “That’s awesome.”
As if emboldened by Sean’s picture, he turned and studied Robin. He took a deep breath and asked, “Why does your hair cover most of your face?”
Robin stared back at him. Why did his voice have to sound so much like her brother? His features were mobile with curiosity and childlike honesty. Given that, she told him the truth. “The one side of my face is badly scarred. My hair hides the scars.”
His gaze locked on her face, studying the long fall of hair. She could almost see the wheels of his mind turning, figuring out, trying to imagine the damage and really wanting to ask her to show him, but not quite comfortable to take that step. Good thing. She was a long ways away from taking that step herself.