When they got back to the car she braced herself for his interrogation.
Johnny sat clutching the steering wheel for what seemed like hours, but was really a few minutes. He didn’t look at Jaylah; instead he stared into the distance like he had been hypnotized.
“You lied to me?” he said, finding his voice.
“I guess we’re both good at that,” she said, crossing her arms.
“So you’re pregnant?”
“For now.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I can’t have this baby, Johnny.”
He stared at her. “How can you just decide that without me?”
“Because you’re fucking married!” she spat. “And I’m the one carrying it, so I get to decide. I’m not having a married man’s baby. How would that even look?”
“You know I would be there for you and our baby. You know I would do the right thing,” he said, his voice wavering.
“I know, which is exactly why I can’t keep it. I don’t want you to do the right thing. I’m not an obligation.”
“Jaylah, I’m getting a divorce,” he said, reaching out for her hand.
She snatched it away. “See! See what I mean? I don’t want you to leave your wife just because I’m pregnant. Isn’t that why you married her in the first place? See how well that turned out?”
“Jaylah, I—“
“I’m not your responsibility, Johnny! I can take care of myself! Just take me to the airport and you can go home to your—“
“Would you let me finish?” he snapped. Jaylah stopped herself midsentence, he had never yelled at her. “I told Fiona that I wanted a divorce last week. After you took that pregnancy test and it was negative, I was disappointed. Like, gutted. I wanted you to be pregnant. I wanted a reason to leave.”
“See what I mean?”
He held up his hand. “Please, let me finish, ok?”
She nodded.
“I realized that I was looking for a proper escape to justify my feelings, but our marriage had been over for some time. I was just afraid to admit it. I didn’t want to be a failure,” he said, laying his head on the steering wheel. “My parents have been married for forty years and I want that, Jaylah. But that day reminded me that I couldn’t keep living a lie just to keep up appearances. Last week I went to Scotland, she deserved to hear it in person, you know?”
Jaylah couldn’t speak, she simply gazed at him and listened.
“We talked about it. She hasn’t been happy either and we decided to separate. I meet with the solicitor next week to sort this all out,” he looked at her again, “If you had picked up the phone you would’ve known all of this. Jaylah, I don’t want to be with you because you’re pregnant—I love you.”
“We’ve only known each other for two months, remember?” she said, reminding him of his previous objection.
“My parents knew each other for two weeks before they got married,” he said. “They’ve had their rough times, but they’re still together.”
“We aren’t your parents, Johnny. Besides, I can’t afford a baby. I can barely afford to take care of myself.”
“I can,” he said, taking her hand. “You don’t even have to work.”
“I love my job. Do you know how hard I had to work to even get it? I’m not about to give it up to be some kind of kept woman.”
“Then keep it,” he said, “or don’t. It’s your choice. But just know that you won’t have to struggle for anything. I can take care of us.”
“This is crazy,” she shook her head, “we shouldn’t be rushing into anything right now.”
“Then don’t rush to kill our baby.”
Silence blossomed between them and clung to the air suffocating them in their own thoughts. Jaylah wrestled with Johnny’s proposition; she would want for nothing if she agreed to keep the baby and be with him, but was she ready to be a mom? More importantly, could their relationship overcome the mistrust, a possible messy divorce, and a newborn all at once?
Would they even survive?
The weight of the situation made Jaylah want to run to her bed and bury herself under the covers for the rest of the week. If she couldn’t decide what to do, hiding from the world seemed like the best option.
“Johnny, can you take me home?”
“What about your flight?”
“I’ll have to take another one. I can’t today,” she said, exhausted. “This baby is kicking my ass.”
Johnny drove to her flat and helped her inside, then ran to the car to retrieve her luggage. While Jaylah lay in bed, he raced to the deli and bought peppermint tea, soup, crackers, and ginger beer, and then rummaged through her kitchen for pots, bowls, and a serving tray. He warmed the chicken soup, steeped the tea, and dished it up for her.
“Here, eat this,” he said, putting a spoon to her lips.
“When did you do all of this?”
“Just eat it. You’re dehydrated, remember? We have to get some fluids in you.”
She allowed Johnny to feed her while she took long slurps of the hot broth. Perhaps it was her feeble condition or her raging hormones, but Jaylah allowed herself to wonder if this is what their life would be like—him taking care of her while she pretended to resist. The thought of Johnny pampering her for the next nine months was tempting; she could certainly get used to his constant fussing and attention.
“Thank you,” Jaylah said as she gulped down the last of her soup.
“It’s the least I can do. Do you need anything?”
“Maybe a trash bucket, just in case,” she chuckled.
Johnny ran to the bathroom and returned with the bucket. “Feeling nauseous?”
“Not yet, but you never know,” she said, leaning against her headboard.
“Well, if you need anything I’ll be on the couch,” he said.
“The couch? You don’t have to stay. I’ll be fine.”
“I’m not leaving you Jaylah,” he said, his gaze burrowing into her. He turned to head down the hall.
“Johnny—“ she called out, unsure of what to say. Ambiguity gushed through her; Jaylah didn’t know what she wanted to do about the baby, or Johnny, or even how it would all turn out. But in that moment the only thing she was certain of was that she didn’t want him to leave.
She patted the space next to her, “Stay?”
“I’d love to.”
*Want to know what Jaylah and Johnny will do next? Keep scrolling for a free preview of Two Steps Back, the follow up to Turn It Loose.
From Two Steps Back…
One
“What do you mean you’re pregnant?” Mrs. Baldwin glared at her daughter like Jaylah had declared she was swapping Jesus for Satan. “Please tell me this is some kind of joke.”
Jaylah wished it were a trick. She wished she could yell, “Sike,” just as terror crept across her mother’s flawless face causing it to crinkle in delight as the pair dissolved into a cacophony of giggles. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a prank. Jaylah had fled to London to find herself and had come back a damn statistic.
I guess what they say is true, she thought, freedom isn’t ever really free. Jaylah had paid dearly in weeks of exhaustion and morning sickness for a pregnancy she wasn’t even sure she wanted to keep.
“How did this happen?” Mrs. Baldwin asked, incredulous. Jaylah shot her mother a look. Are you serious?
Her mother’s eyes bore into her demanding an answer, and Jaylah threw her hands up in surrender.
“It just happened.”
Jaylah didn’t want to argue with her mother, she was no match for Sarah anyway, especially now when she just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for two days straight.
“So while you were traipsing around England being footloose and fancy free you couldn’t bother to protect yourself?”
All Jaylah could muster was a meager shrug. “We used condoms, mother. But apparently they aren’t foolproof.”
Mrs. Baldwin paced around the well-appointed living
room, stopping at the granite mantle to mumble to herself like she was attempting to calm down. Jaylah knew her mother was pissed and trying her hardest not to go off on her only child, but she didn’t care. Not anymore. After years of living up to her parents’ near-perfect expectations, Jaylah had finally found her own groove in London. Unfortunately, it came with a baby and boyfriend who lied about his wife.
“And who is this guy? Please tell me you know who my grandchild’s father is.”
Jaylah rolled her eyes so hard she thought they’d shoot out of her skull. She may have gone and gotten herself knocked up, but she wasn’t showing up on Maury Povich’s stage anytime soon.
“Of course I know who he is.”
“Good.” Mrs. Baldwin mother tapped a finger to her chin and Jaylah knew the wheels of her mind were whirling with a plan. “Well, let’s see. You’ll move home, have the baby, and your father and I will help you out while you look for another job and get back on your feet.”
“I have a job at Glamour, remember?”
“They’ll let you keep writing from here? Wonderful!”
Jaylah closed her eyes and rubbed her temples; she was starting to get annoyed. She’d allowed her parents free-reign to plan her life before, but at 28 and pregnant, the rules had changed. This time, she couldn’t just sit back and be bossed.
“No mom, I’ll be going back to London in a few weeks. Besides, I don’t even know what I want to do about the baby yet.”
Mrs. Baldwin spun on her heels and glowered at her daughter. “What did you just say?”
Jaylah cleared her throat and instantly felt like her t-shirt was a straight jacket squeezing all the air out of her lungs. She had never defied her parents, had never gone against their wishes, even in the most benign situations. But this was different; she wasn’t about to allow herself to be guilted into having a baby—not by Johnny, or Jourdan, or even her mother.
“I’m not sure I’m having this baby,” she said, finding her voice.
Mrs. Baldwin’s eyes went wide. “Is that what that man is telling you to do? Kill my grandchild?”
“No, he actually wants me to have it.”
Mrs. Baldwin blew out a puff of pint-up air. “At least one of you has some sense. I raised you better than this, Jaylah. You get pregnant, you deal with the consequences.”
“This isn’t some afterschool special, mom. And I’m not a dopy teenager who got knocked up after the prom. I’m 28, and for the first time ever I’m enjoying my life. I’m not sure I’m ready to trade it all in for a baby.”
Jaylah’s mother opened her mouth to speak, but quickly closed it. She crossed the room to the wet bar and poured herself a quarter of wine. She took a long, lingering sip, and then swished the dark liquid around in the crystal glass.
“Being a mother is the greatest job you’ll ever have. You will cherish every minute of it, even when your baby breaks your heart.” She drained the wine in two large gulps, then turned to her daughter. “I trust you’ll do the right thing, Jay Jay.”
Jaylah watched her mother sashay out of the room, and let her words wash over her.
Do the right thing.
Jaylah wondered how four simple words could add up to such a conundrum. If she knew what the right thing was she would have made up her mind to do it before she left London, before getting on the plane, before telling Johnny to please, please, please stop pressing her for an answer about their future.
If she knew what the right thing was she’d gladly do it, but that just wasn’t the case.
Jaylah retreated to her childhood bedroom and curled up on the bed. The walls were still her favorite shade of purple, the ceiling was still peppered with the glow-in-the-dark stars she’d put in the fourth grade, and her TLC and Fugees posters still clung to the walls. Artifacts from her old self stared Jaylah in the face, but it felt like she was looking at someone else’s life.
Everything was so damn simple then, she thought. I wish I could hit the rewind button and go back because this shit right here is HARD.
Jaylah needed time—preferably years—to sort this all out, but with a child growing inside her, she knew she’d have to make up her mind—fast.
Two
The alarm rang, startling Jaylah awake. She fumbled through the darkness to grab the phone before it screeched any louder, but by the time she located it the thing was beep-beep-beeping so vociferously she thought it would wake up the whole house. Jaylah swiped the kill switch, and then blinked rapidly to adjust her eyes to the darkness and make out the time: 11 p.m.
She did the math in her head, adding eight hours to account for the difference in time zones before calling him. She hadn’t talked to Johnny since she’d gotten back to Los Angeles two days ago. All she’d sent was a text message saying she made it safely and would speak to him soon. They’d traded voicemails, but between readjusting to Pacific Standard Time, and her propensity to slip into a pregnancy-induced coma, they had failed to connect.
The phone rang a handful of times before going to voicemail. Johnny’s accented baritone kissed her ear and caused her to smile in spite of herself. Even though their relationship hovered somewhere between totally committed and don’t ever call me again, his voice still made her knees wobble—just a little.
Jaylah left yet another polite message before dialing her best friend.
“Jaaaaaaaaaylaaaaaaah,” Jourdan sang into the phone instead of saying hello. “You know I’m upset with you. I take it you’ve made it safely and didn’t land on some deserted island in the Pacific.”
Jaylah rolled her eyes and chuckled. “We didn’t fly over the Pacific, silly. Anyway, I can’t manage to stay awake long enough to actually call anyone. Apparently this child is not only eating all of my food, but zapping my energy too.”
“How is my little niece or nephew?”
“I told you not to get too attached. I still don’t know if I’m having it.”
“Whatever. We both know you are.”
Jaylah sat up in bed and glanced down at her stomach. “I’m not convinced, but you can add my mother to the list of those lobbying for me to keep it,” Jaylah let out a heavy sigh. “I told her.”
“See! You’re totally having this baby! How’d she take it?”
“Well, let’s see. First she basically called me a whore and asked if I knew who the father was, then she informed me I’m moving home and she and my father will help me raise the baby.”
“So it went well, did it?” Jourdan chortled.
“Ehh, she didn’t curse me out or slap me, so I guess so.”
“Great! But Jay, tell your mum she can’t have you back. It’s my turn. You’re coming back to London in a few weeks, yeah?”
“Yup, with or without a baby.”
“Definitely with. Look, I need to get my ass in gear if I’m going to catch the Tube and make it to work on time. I went out last night, and lets just say I’m still a little tipsy.”
“Sounds like fun. I could use a drink right about now.”
“Don’t worry, I had enough for the both of us. I’ll call you later, yeah?”
“Okay. Love you, J.”
“Love you too, Jay.”
Fully awake, Jaylah sat in bed trying to think of something other than food. At the rate she was going, she thought the baby would push her body over the edge from curvaceous to gigantic before her second trimester. But after minutes of listening to her stomach grumble, Jaylah got up and wandered into the kitchen for a snack.
Resistance was futile; score one for the kid.
She rummaged through the refrigerator and cupboards looking for something that wouldn’t come roaring back up her throat soon after eating it, and settled on a glass of flat 7-Up and a handful of graham crackers. As she munched on the sweet treats, her mind wandered to Johnny. Despite telling him that she needed time to figure things out, before she left London he’d doted on her like an ecstatic husband happily awaiting the birth of his first child.
And he was; only he wasn
’t her husband.
Jaylah grabbed her phone and decided to try him again, hopeful that a couple dozen minutes would garner a different response than last time. She checked the time, it was just after 7:30 a.m. in London, and from the weeks they’d spent cohabiting in her flat she knew he should be wrapped in a towel shaving the hairs that dared to sprout up on his smooth face.
The phone rang and Jaylah twirled a piece of hair around her finger trying to organize what she would say. She ached to be curled up next to Johnny, his arms draped around her just so, but that would only complicate things, and make it harder for her to think straight about her own future, let alone theirs.
“Jaylah?” Johnny sighed into the phone like he’d been holding his breath too long.
“Hey. Getting ready for work?”
“You know it. Just putting my shirt on. I’ve got to hurry, I have a meeting this morning.” He dropped his voice to a sexy whisper. “You okay? I miss you, babes.”
A ripple traveled straight up Jaylah’s thigh to her belly. She knew it wasn’t the baby; it was him, always him. He could turn her on with the twist of a simple phrase.
“I’m fine. Just been really, really tired. I think I’ve been asleep since I got here.”
“Get all the rest you need. I wish I could be there to help you move. Please don’t over exert yourself, okay?”
She brushed his concern aside. “I’ve got it covered, my parents are helping me and I’ve hired a couple of movers.”
“Good. I was thinking, maybe I should fly out there one weekend so we can tell your parents about—“
“They already know,” Jaylah cut him off. “I was exhausted and throwing up like a drunk and my mother kept hounding me to go see a doctor. So I just came out with it.”
“How’d they take it?”
“Well, my mother thinks you’re the only one with any sense.”
“Me? How so?”
“She launched into her plan—move home so she and my father can swoop into action and help me with the baby.”
Turn It Loose Page 11