by Josie Wright
A lot of my gifts are already wrapped and ready to go. Viv will be getting a new video game she’s been waiting for impatiently, something with pirates from what I gathered. We’ve all put our money together for it, so she’ll only be getting one gift.
Alex is suffering the same fate. He wanted a new fancy briefcase and Dean has found the perfect one, dark leather and nylon. It’s sleek and will look really good on Alex. I still have to pick up Dean’s gift and the one for Ben. I really hope he’s going to like it. I have bought it two days ago on the way home from work, but had to drop it off to have it engraved.
***
Before anyone else is even up, I make my way into town, listening to Christmas songs and singing along. Archer isn’t paying me much attention, chewing away on his teething ring instead. I smile at him in the rearview mirror while waiting at a red light and am eternally thankful that he gets to spend his first Christmas with not just his mommy, but his daddy as well. That’s more than I have ever hoped for.
Pulling up in front of the little store, I take Archer out of his seat and with him in my arms I make my way inside. An old-fashioned doorbell rings once I open the door, and I have to smile at the surroundings. It’s all a bit chaotic, dusty, and antique looking, but has much more character than any big modern store ever could.
An older man peeks his head out of the back office.
“Oh, it’s you. I just finished engraving it about an hour ago. Perfect timing.”
I’m curious to see it, waiting impatiently at the front counter until the store owner makes his way there.
He puts the tool belt I got for Ben on the counter, allowing me to see the design. The results are breathtaking and it makes me all giddy and excited to see how well it turned out in the end.
The tool belt is all dark, oil-tanned leather with multiple pockets, buckles, and hangers. It has that typical, sexy and exciting, leather smell. Or maybe that’s just me having dated a guy that practically spent all his day in a leather jacket. A simple, yet stunning, engraving of a howling wolf now decorates the right side pocket. It’s done in a tribal-style. The tribal patterns that surround the wolf hold the letter B, which is intricately designed, melting into the background of the tribal design, yet stands out at the same time. I’m in awe. It was beautiful on paper, but seeing it on the dark leather is nothing short of gorgeous.
When we were younger, Ben always had a fascination with wolves. Before he had started going out and partying, he used to actually spend time reading. He read everything about wolves that he could get his hands on. He was inherently fascinated by the symbolism. Standing for leadership, power, and loyalty, wolves are what I would now call his totem animal. Back then, he was a boy with a serious fascination. He begged his mom for months to let him get a wolf as a pet. Unsurprisingly, he wasn’t very successful. I remember him having posters of wolves hanging in his room, talking big about getting a tattoo of a wolf as soon as he was old enough. From what I’ve seen in the past weeks, he hasn’t gotten that tattoo. And God knows I’ve seen all of him. But I still think it’s the right animal for him. Having read up some more on it, the wolf also stands for intelligence, compassion, generosity. And after all, a wolf is a pack animal, taking care of his own. I thought it to be fitting for Ben, as he’s gracefully slipped into the role of a father.
One of Viv’s tattoo buddies drew up the design, and this wonderful man in front of me made it happen. I’m absolutely elated. Ben has been getting more and more into repairing or restoring things for people in the neighborhood, and thanks to Mrs. Walsh’s pimping talents, he’s getting calls nearly daily. Apparently, old people have a lot of things that need some TLC. By getting him this present, I want to show him that I believe in his talent.
The rest of the gang has put their money together to get him some tools, things that he mentioned he needed to get sooner or later. I could try naming what they were but I honestly have no clue. I hate hardware stores. Everything looks the same to me. I get lost, people always think I work there, and it’s a bitch to find anything I’m looking for.
“God, this looks absolutely stunning. I’m over the moon. Thank you so much,” I squeal at the man behind the counter, leaning over to give him a hug.
He seems amused by my little emotional outbreak.
“Glad you like it.”
I hand him the money, and grabbing the tool belt I make my way out to the car.
“Your daddy is going to love this, don’t you think, Archer.”
Archer looks up at me. “Dada?”
“Yeah, it’s a gift for your daddy.”
Once Archer is secured in the car, I put the belt in the box I have for it, satisfied with the gift. Ben will be getting two more gifts that cost next to nothing, but will hopefully mean the world to him. Those are already in my desk drawer, waiting for Christmas Day. I’m excited to see his face.
Next in line is the little New Age shop in town. I could spend days in there. All the stones, oils, and smudging stuff, along with jewelry, books and tarot cards—it’s a little hippie heaven.
“Hi, Daisy.” I greet the owner when I walk in with Archer in his car seat and not in my arms for once. I usually end up spending quite some time in this store and don’t want to be carrying Archer around the whole time. Since there are way too many small or breakable things in his reach, I also can’t set him down on the floor. I don’t want to even imagine the chaos he could create here. So he has to stay in his seat for a bit.
“Hey, Frankie. What can I help you with today?”
“I’m looking for some really nice tarot cards for Dean. He’s been getting more and more into it, but the ones he has are so tiny, he’s soon going to need a magnifying glass to read them.”
“Well, you know where they are. Why don’t you go and look for the right ones, and I’ll look after Archer,” she says, while making her way over to him.
“Hello, little man. You remember Daisy, don’t you?” Archer smiles at her, that little flirt. “Yeah, you do.” She takes him out of his seat and cuddles him.
I leave the two to it and make my way over to the cards, taking my time until I find the perfect set. They are bigger, but not so big that they won’t easily fit in his hands. The designs on them are in a gothic style, depicting angels. I know as soon as I see them, that they are perfect.
Looking over my shoulder, I see Archer is still in a good mood, being entertained by Daisy; therefore, I take my time to look around the store some more. I get lost in the sea of beautiful crystals, the smells from the various smudging herbs. As always, when I come in here I can’t refrain from buying something for myself, and this time it’s a simple, yet beautiful bracelet made from rose quartz. Pink is normally not my color, in any way, shape or form, but I just like the look of this bracelet so much, I can’t help myself. And for not even ten dollars, it’s something I can afford.
“You found your cards?” Daisy inquires when I finally get back to the counter.
“Yeah, they are gorgeous. Dean is going to love them.”
“Oh, he was in here the other day. Mentioned something that Archer’s dad is back and living with you guys.” She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively. Daisy, Dean, and I sometimes hang out together, so she knows about Ben, though not all the painful details.
“Dean is such a damn gossip. Can’t keep his mouth shut,” I groan, making Daisy laugh in return.
“So the infamous Ben is back. Back in your bed as well?”
My jaw drops and I blink a few times in surprise at her blunt question. “If you must know, no. But your concern for my sexual activities is really appreciated.” My tone is dripping with sarcasm.
“Oh, come on. Like you haven’t thought about it? I heard you had quite the fascination with his cock.”
I feel the heat rising to my face and the blush spreading over my cheeks. Dean is going to suffer.
My eyes dart to the side to prevent her from being able to read what I guess is clearly written in them. I never was a go
od liar.
“Thought so,” she laughs dirtily.
“Oh, shut up. Want me to pay or not?” I point to the tarot cards, hoping this will distract us from the current topic.
After she rings them up, she notices the bracelet. “I’m guessing that is not for Dean, huh?” she laughs.
“No, that’s for me. I just couldn’t control myself.”
“Ah, someone is in the mood for love, huh? Rose quartz is the stone of love and relationships. But I’m sure you knew that already.”
She rings the bracelet up, without looking at me, but with a smile on her face.
Not even gratifying her comment with a response, I take the bag once she’s done, putting it in my purse. Taking Archer from her, I strap him back into his seat.
“Have fun with the bracelet,” she says when I’m about to walk out.
I can’t help laughing. “Yeah, whatever. Bite me.”
Her laugh is still ringing out when the door closes. What is it with everyone? Do I have little hearts shooting from my eyes? Jesus. I just like the bracelet. Or so I try and tell myself.
***
Arriving back home, I notice movement in the shed. Ben had cleared out part of it to be able to work in there. He has a twelve by twelve space to do some repairs now, while the rest of the fairly huge shed is still cluttered to the point of bursting out of its seams. Taking Archer out of his seat, I make my way over to the shed, opening the door.
“Hey, Ben.”
But instead of a reply, the door slams close right in my face and I stumble back two steps. What the fuck?
“You can’t come in. Forbidden zone.”
I’m baffled and curious like a cat.
“What in the world are you doing in there?”
I can hear the grin in his voice when he answers. “Jerking off. Wanna watch?”
“Asshole. You’re not funny!”
“Yet, you’re grinning.”
“I’m not.” I totally am, but he doesn’t need to know that. I huff and walk with Archer to the house, curiosity eating away at me.
***
The rest of the day is fairly quiet. We don’t go to visit Vince, as he called me to let me know he’s preoccupied and has no time for us today. When I asked him what his plans were, he only muttered that I was too young for that. I don’t even want to think about it.
Instead, I play with Archer and then Dean, Alex, and I watch Golden Girls with cookies and brownies, as well as hot cocoa and tea. Archer is snuggled up to me on the couch, trying to tear the eyes off of his teddy, while we are enjoying ourselves. Midway through our little marathon, Mrs. Walsh comes over, and although she only wants to quickly say hello, she ends up stealing half of our cookies and laughing right along with us at the show. Viv, the social butterfly is out and about as usual, and Ben spends the whole day in the shed doing God knows what. If he’d be really jerking off that long, I guarantee he wouldn’t be walking or sitting for a few days.
He only shows up for dinner and then disappears again.
“What’s that all about?” Dean asks.
“I have not the slightest clue. Trying to enter the shed earned me a door in my face.”
Mrs. Walsh starts cackling like an evil, little witch.
“You know, don’t you?”
“Child, I know everything. I just don’t tell.”
I shoot her a glare. “Good to know whose side you’re on.”
Ignoring my comment, she turns back to the TV with a grin on her face. Ben has her wrapped around his little finger, that charming jerk.
He appears again to put Archer to bed, not wanting to miss out on that, and then he’s gone again, fueling my curiosity like crazy. This leads to me creeping outside while the others are still in front of the TV. I try to peer in through the window in the door of the shed, only to be confronted with a white piece of paper with the words “Go back inside, Frankie” written over it in black, bold letters. Stomping my foot, I yell through the door.
“Asshole.”
The only answer I get is his soft, rumbling laugh. He knows me. He knows me too well.
When I lay in bed later that night, about to drift off to sleep, I hear Ben come inside, quickly poking his head into my room to check on Archer before he disappears to his bedroom. Somehow, knowing he is here makes me feel safer than I have ever felt before.
***
The following days are quiet and relaxed. Together, we put up the Christmas tree and decorate it, decorating some of the house in the process as well. Our Christmas tree definitely looks different this year—it is toddler proof.
Instead of the usual ornaments, we’ve decided to go down a safer route. Sure, it’s a good idea to teach a child limits, but Archer is ten months old. I can talk until I turn blue in the face, he still won’t understand that he can’t eat the glass ornaments or sit on them. So instead of spending a Christmas stressing him and myself out, running after him, making sure we won’t end up in the ER, everyone agreed to do it a bit differently. Not wanting to spend money on shatter-proof ornaments that often look like they could be decorating a brothel, we decided to make the decorations ourselves.
Funny enough, the project took on a life of its own. Through most of October, it wasn’t just Dean and me making little trinkets and ornaments to hang on the tree, but Mrs. Walsh and her girlfriends joined us, making some for us, but also for their children and grandchildren. It turned out to be so much fun.
Our tree is now decorated with pine cones painted white, blue, and purple. There are some pom-poms made out of wool, in similar colors but slightly different shades, and flowers made from toilet paper rolls and painted with glittery nail polish are added to the mix. The look is completed by crocheted stars. There is no bling on the tree. It’s simple, yet homey. I love the look and can’t help staring at it every time I walk past. Somehow it fits all of us to the tee and is perfect for the little hippie household that we are. Archer can enjoy the tree without us worrying. The worst that can happen is he soaks the decorations in gallons of his drool.
I have the last classes of the year, but work is keeping me busy every day. For some, Christmas is the worst time of the year, so our waiting room is filled to the brink up until the closing hour. According to my co-workers, the hotlines aren’t any better—not even at night.
Ben is either spending time repairing things or locked in the shed—still keeping me out of it. I tried to sneak in when he wasn’t home, but that jerk has changed the locks. And I can’t even moan at him about it because he will know that I tried to get in there.
We bring Archer to bed every night, sometimes in Ben’s room, sometimes in mine. We all have dinner together, laughing and cracking jokes. Yes, some of them are still at my expense. The morning incident of walking in on Ben seems to not have been forgotten.
Despite the slightly crazy circumstances, Ben, Archer and I settle into a rhythm. Things are somewhat peaceful. As peaceful as it can get for us, considering our unusual situation. We flirt, we banter, and we tease each other. Whenever the situation allows, he will steal a touch from me. It’s little things like him handing me the salt and holding on to it for a bit longer than necessary, making sure our fingers touch. When I hold Archer, he’ll come up to snuggle our son and makes sure to put his arm around me. He’ll put his hand to the small of my back when we put Archer to bed, letting it linger for a while. It’s tender and intimate—sweet. And God, does it make me feel good. Not just emotionally. It’s like little electric currents traveling through my body. And it takes all of my willpower to take this slow, to not just rip his clothes off while screaming “I love you” at the top of my lungs.
Things have relaxed since I’m trying to give him some room—waiting for him to be ready to talk. I hope it’s going to be soon, since I still feel like a spectator on the side-lines and it’s hard for me to open myself up to a possible us without feeling like he’s open with me. I’m enjoying the peace and quiet though. It makes it easier to find my own place in th
is arrangement, to not feel like a headless chicken that isn’t sure of what’s going on and what will happen next.
But, the other shoe I mentioned. Yeah, I still feel it dangling over me like the sword of Damocles.
And it’s Wednesday when I get to feel the pointy edge. Not enough to draw blood, but enough to know it can hurt.
Chapter 25
The Sword Of Damocles
I manage to get out early from my shift at the counseling center with Diane, one of my co-workers there, showing up an hour before her shift and offering to take over. I’m filled with excitement to have an hour more to spend at home, especially with Dean and Alex leaving tomorrow.
When I get in, the house is empty except for Mrs. Walsh, who watches Archer. I walk over to them and give Archer some cuddles.
“Hey Mrs. Walsh, where is everyone?”
“Ben is in his room after spending all day in the shed.” She gives me a cheeky grin. “Viv is welcoming a baby into this world, Dean and Alex are at some Christmas party at Alex’s office.”
“Oh, ok. So much about spending quality time with everyone,” I mock pout. “I’ll say hello to Ben. And then I think I’ll take a nice long bath, if you don’t mind watching Archer for a bit longer. And then we can maybe have dinner together. Sounds like a plan?”
“Sounds good to me, especially if that man of yours cooks.” She makes a dreamy face.
“Stop swooning; he’s not my man.”
I ignore her laugh and make my way to the kitchen to grab some water before I head upstairs. Just as I’m about to round the corner to his room, I hear quiet music playing in the background. I identify David Draiman’s unique voice as he bellows the lyrics to “Down With The Sickness” by Disturbed. I can’t help but smile. We listened to this song so much as teenagers I now know the lyrics by heart. Dave and Ben wanted to be like David Draiman; I wanted to date him.