“Good, we have a lot of work to do, and we could use a man like him on the team. Rishi, part your hair along here.” He pointed at Rishi’s scalp. “I always leave as many buttons open as possible. And I love the walking stick idea. May I borrow that?”
We climbed aboard the bus and headed to the back to grab some seats. Rishi asked, “What about the French poetry?”
Fernando recited a line or two. Several girls simultaneously grabbed their hearts and let out a collective, “Awwwwww.”
“This guy is brilliant,” Rishi muttered in amazement.
Fernando noticed someone sitting in the back of the bus. “Josh!” he called out.
Josh ran down the aisle and put Fernando in a big bear hug. I was beginning to wonder if Fernando had uttered his last stanza when Josh let him go. After gasping for a second, Fernando smiled and said, “Long time no see.”
“Huh? You blind?” Josh asked.
“I missed this guy,” Fernando whispered to me.
We took our seats and the bus ride was a lot of fun, but I still didn’t expect Fernando to be sticking around long in school. When we got there we headed into the office and Fernando asked to speak to the principal. The secretary, without even bothering to look at us, snapped, “Dr. Stone is too busy.”
“Excuse me,” Fernando asked, picking up a framed photograph from her desk, “surely this can’t be your wedding picture?”
“Yes, it is,” the secretary answered. “Taken twenty years ago this December.”
“But you look even younger now!” Fernando exclaimed.
The secretary smiled. “Let me see if Dr. Stone can squeeze you in.”
A minute later she emerged and told us we could head into the office.
Dr. Stone’s hair bun was pulled very tight. Her pale, expressionless face told me immediately that she didn’t appreciate our visit. She said, “Rodney Rathbone, twice in one week.”
“Um, yes, lucky me. So, Mrs. Stone . . .”
“Dr. Stone.”
“Uh, yes. Sorry. Dr. Stone, sorry to interrupt you.”
“You wouldn’t need to apologize if you didn’t interrupt.”
“Uh, that’s true, but . . .”
“Mr. Rathbone, did you know that I was a teacher for seven years?”
“No, I wasn’t aware of that,” I said.
“Do you know why I left teaching and became a principal?”
I thought for a second. “Because you could help more children if you ran an entire school instead of a single classroom.”
“No. I became a principal because there’s far less interaction with students. Now, this has been a nice little talk. Good day, boys.”
She glanced down at her paperwork. Dr. Stone had about as much personality as the paperweight sitting before her on the desk. I had tried to explain this to Fernando last night. I expected he’d soon be calling my dad to come pick him up, although he seemed as cool and collected as usual.
“Señorita Rosalita,” he suddenly spoke. I almost died.
Dr. Stone’s eyes glared up from her paper. “I thought our meeting was over, and I believe I’ve already made it clear how I am to be addressed.”
“I was referring to your nail color,” Fernando said.
Dr. Stone opened her mouth to say something but instead looked down at her nails.
“A vibrant, exciting color,” Fernando continued.
“No one’s ever noticed my nails before.” Her stern look softened and I thought I saw a hint of something other than her usual frown. “Who are you again?” she asked.
“I am Fernando. Did you get the orchids?”
Dr. Stone pointed slowly over Fernando’s shoulder.
“Dr. Stone, I’m here because I’d like to visit your school for the day.”
“Well, Fernando, orchids or no, we can’t just let random people—”
“I don’t want to be a random person. Rodney here told me all about your school. I read about you on the district website. I knew I had to come meet you. I had to.” He paused and grabbed his chest. “You are an inspiration. The ultimate administrator! Surely you should be superintendant of the entire district . . .”
“Oh, go on!” Dr. Stone blushed. She patted her hair bun. “Well, Fernando, I have to admit I’d love to have you in my school, but I don’t think your school would appreciate—”
“Here is my principal’s phone number at Crenshaw Middle School. She’s expecting your call.”
Dr. Stone looked confused for a second, took another look at Fernando’s smiling face, and dialed the number. “Yes, hello. My name’s Elizabeth Stone and I’m the principal of Garrettsville Middle School . . . Hi . . . Yes, the reason I’m calling is I have one of your students sitting in my office. . . . Yes, his name is Fern . . . Yes, he certainly is . . . I can see that . . . He did? Hahahaha . . .” Dr. Stone was smiling and giggling and occasionally looking at Fernando. “That’s right, he wants to visit for the day. So you’re fine with . . . well we’ll take good care of him . . . Okay, my pleasure . . . bye bye.”
Dr. Stone hung up and gave Fernando a big smile. “I’ll have one of the secretaries write up the visitor paperwork. I guess you can follow Rodney’s schedule.”
“May I take my lunch in here?”
She gave Fernando a knowing eye. “Don’t push it.”
Fernando gave her a quick bow, grabbed my arm, and led me out of the office. As soon as we were back in the crowded hall I spotted Rishi. Fernando, however, had spotted someone else. “Jessica!” he called.
I watched her blond hair spin in our direction. What was he up to now? He must have remembered what she looked like from that one time at camp. Samantha and Kayla were beside her. Samantha saw Fernando and smiled. Kayla saw me and frowned. They waited for us to approach.
“Have we met?” Jessica asked him.
“I have discussed your beauty under the stars. I have seen your eyes looking out the cabin windows over the lake at sunset . . .”
“Don’t talk to him, Jessica. He’s obviously nuts,” Kayla said.
“Who cares?” Samantha pointed out. “I like listening to him.”
I spoke up. “Jessica, Samantha, Kayla, this is Fernando. He’s my friend from camp.”
“Well, I should have known,” snapped Kayla. She poked Fernando in the chest. “I bet you’re trouble too.”
Rishi slid in and said to Fernando, “Ain’t she something?”
Fernando smiled. “She has a sharp, quick tongue. Her eyes are fierce and dark, like a raven.” Kayla narrowed her fierce eyes and her cheeks took on an angry red.
“I like the way she blushes,” Rishi said to Fernando.
“Yes, I can see that,” Fernando replied.
Kayla looked more annoyed than usual. “Hey, you two brainless buddies. I’m standing right here. I can hear you. Hell-ooooo. You don’t talk about people in front of them. It’s considered rude in most cultures.”
“Being rude to you is the last thing I want to be,” Rishi replied, trying to sound like Fernando. “Let me redeem myself. I wrote this just for you . . .” He put one hand on his chest and the other in the air. He began, “J’ai besoin d’utiliser la salle de bains—”
Kayla interrupted. “Am I living in bizzaro world? Is every boy in this school completely wacko? Rishi, go recite your gibberish to someone else. I’m going to class.”
Rishi’s performance may not have captivated Kayla, but a few other people stood in the hall looking at him. Among them were Josh and Wendy, who were spending more and more time together. “How’d I sound?” Rishi asked.
Wendy said, “The pronunciation wasn’t bad but you just told her you need to use the bathroom. How charming.”
Josh stood listening. I could tell by the drool buildup that he was thinking hard. Slowly he grabbed his chest like Rishi and said to Wendy, �
�I need to go doodie.”
Wendy laughed. “I love your wit, Joshy, and you’re charming, too.” She took his arm and the two walked off. Josh had a happy grin stretched across his face.
Fernando was watching them too, looking like a proud father. “This is a very romantic hallway.” Shifting his eyes to me he added, “Now it’s your turn.”
Jessica was still standing there, her blue eyes looking at me as well. My throat dried up and my back began to sweat. The only French word I knew was “escargot” and I doubted Jessica would appreciate me comparing her to a slimy snail!
She broke the silence. “You two talked about me at camp?”
Fernando replied, “He talked about you all the time. I’m going to have to try out this Tunnel of Love at Super Adventure.”
“You talked about that?” Jessica asked. Her face flashed red. I couldn’t tell if she was mad, embarrassed, or both.
“He also said that you were the nicest, coolest, prettiest girl he’d ever known.”
“Well then why did those other girls—”
“Alas, that is my fault,” Fernando continued. “He spent so much of his time looking sad and missing you, I tried to get those other girls interested in him, to cheer him up. I can see my actions have had the opposite effect. Look at him now. Notice the pale color in his face, the dark circles under his eyes, the sagging shoulders, that, ‘I’ve given up on life’ haircut, the—”
“I think she gets the point,” I interrupted.
“Yes, I’m sure she does. In short, he’s a miserable wretch. And for that I owe an apology to you both.” He bowed slightly. “Please accept Fernando’s deepest regrets. Oh, and Rodney has a question for you.”
“I do?”
Fernando ignored me. “Jessica, Rodney has been hoping that you’d allow him to accompany you on a stroll from this fine institution to your lovely abode.”
“Are you talking French again?” she asked.
Fernando smiled. “Let me translate. Can he walk you home one of these days?”
Jessica glanced down the hall, then at her shoe, and finally at me. “Okay.” With that she turned swiftly and headed off to class.
“You’re amazing,” I told Fernando. “Thanks.”
“I owed you that one, my friend. You’ve always liked her, and I did just what I said, pushed you toward adventure. But maybe, Rodney, it is I, Fernando, who should learn things from you.”
I thought once again about my troubles. “Trust me, Fernando, you don’t want what I got.”
He didn’t say anything to that but his face looked unusually solemn. After a pause he said, “All right, Rodney. It’s time that you took me to our most difficult challenge this morning. It’s time for Fernando to meet Josie.”
Finding her took a couple of periods, but after wandering through the eighth grade hall we eventually spotted Josie surrounded by her cheerleader friends. Fernando smiled. “Look at them. As beautiful as a Santorini sunset.”
“Uhh, yeah, whatever.”
We approached the girls. None of them seemed to mind Fernando stepping confidently up toward them. I marveled at him. Walking up to a crowd of girls filled me with fear. I whispered, “Remember, she thinks Trevor is gross.”
“I have it under control,” he replied. He eyed each girl carefully. “Josie, I presume?” he asked, picking her out. The kid had a sixth sense when it came to girls.
Josie smiled. “Yeah, I’m Josie. Who are you?”
“I am Fernando. I made a special trip to this school to ask you a favor for a dear friend who is too nervous to ask himself. Are you free tomorrow night?”
“That depends. Who is your friend and what is the favor?”
“The favor is to have dinner with him.”
Josie shifted her glance to me. She gave me a nice smile and I shuddered slightly. This had to work. I had so much riding on it.
“Sure, I’ll go out to dinner. You said this friend was real nervous.”
“That is correct,” Fernando added.
“Rodney, you look pretty nervous,” Josie said with a wink.
Did she think Fernando was talking about me? I immediately tried to act less nervous, and to clarify the situation I said, “I uh, well, um, me? You see, it’s not like . . .”
“You’re kinda cute when you’re mumbling like that.”
I didn’t know what to say. Fernando continued, “I think you’re going to find that your date is quite adorable. So dinner works then?”
Josie smiled at me again. “Sure.”
“Great, can you get to Mama’s in town tomorrow at seven p.m.?”
“I believe I can manage that.”
“Wonderful! You’ve just made someone very happy.” Fernando gripped my shoulder. “Come on, we’d better go.”
I stumbled along beside Fernando, feeling numb. The conversation with Josie had gone by quickly and my brain took seconds to catch up. We were around the corner before it all hit me. “Wait!”
Fernando paused.
“She thinks she’s going on the date with me!”
Fernando smiled and nodded.
“That’s no good!”
“Well, it’s certainly better than the truth. There was no way, from your description, that she was going on the date if she knew it was Trevor. Right?”
“Yeah, but, what if she tells anyone? What if Jessica finds out? What if Trevor finds out?”
“Rodney, some people spend their entire existence worrying ‘What if this?’ and ‘What if that?’ I have one more quote this morning. Shakespeare said, ‘If it be now, ’tis not to come. If it be not to come, it will be now. If it be now, yet it will come—the readiness is all.’”
“What does that mean?”
“I have no idea but it’s Shakespeare, so it must mean something important! Now, my friend, go think about those words of wisdom as you attend the rest of the day’s classes.”
The only thing I thought about the rest of the day was the catastrophe looming on the horizon. At seven tomorrow night, all my worst fears were coming together for dinner at Mama’s!
Chapter 11
REPEAT AFTER ME
To my immense surprise and relief, Saturday started great. We drove out to our game against Streetsboro in a noisy yellow bus. Trevor, revved up to impress his date, played tremendously. He tackled, sacked, intercepted, taunted, and offended everything in a blue Streetsboro uniform. He even chased a security guard halfway across the field because the poor guy was wearing a blue jacket! Yes, Trevor was on fire and scored all our points off turnovers—except for the one touchdown of the game. That, amazingly, came from Josh and me. I stuck to my usual plan of running right behind him and this time it worked like a charm.
It was Garrettsville’s first win in years. The team dumped Gatorade on Coach Laimbardi and I even exhaled a long sigh of relief when the Boss, sitting in the stands, gave me the thumbs-up. During the game I had noticed a long black car parked by the gate and realized he had made the trip to Streetsboro as an added incentive for us to win.
The bus ride back to Garrettsville felt like a summer festival. Everyone was shouting and having fun . . . except me. I knew the day’s biggest challenge was still to come. So many things had to go right if I had any hope of pulling off the date between Trevor and Josie. Arriving back at school, we headed straight to the locker room. When Trevor finished changing, I motioned for him to join me in the gym. That’s where Fernando met us.
“Trevor, I presume?” Fernando stepped up to Trevor and extended his hand.
“What’s with this guy?” Trevor asked.
I wasn’t sure how to explain Fernando. Before I had a chance to think of an excuse, my mouth took over. “He’s what’s known as an international dating consultant.”
“A what?” Trevor asked, looking annoyed. “I don’t need a doctor.”
I ignored him. “His name is Fernando and he has traveled from a faraway land to help us out . . . I mean, to help you out, to make sure everything goes perfectly with tonight’s date.”
Trevor still looked like he wanted to punch someone until Fernando said, “I currently have six girlfriends. Eight, if you count the Smith twins. Do you want my help or not?”
Trevor looked long and hard from Fernando to me. “Sure,” he finally replied.
“Good,” Fernando said, immediately launching into what he called his Ten Rules of Fine Dating.
It didn’t take long for Trevor to stop him. “You want me to wear a tie?”
“Clean shirt, tie. You need to make a positive first impression.”
“Rathbone, where did you find this goofball? I already know how to make a good first impression.”
I remembered the demolition derby and pictured Josie running out the door screaming into a traffic-filled street. “Yeah,” I said, “we’ve been down that road before and you probably don’t need any help, but I want to make sure the date is a success. That’s why Fernando’s here. Remember, he’s an international expert.”
Trevor eventually nodded like he understood and I felt better—until I noticed Toby approaching. The fact that he was smiling only made things worse.
“Hey big bro,” he said to Trevor.
“I’m busy here,” Trevor snapped.
“Oh, well, I just heard some of the cheerleaders talking during the game. I thought you might be curious what they were saying about tonight’s big date.”
Toby was talking to Trevor but staring at me. I knew what was coming and quickly looked around the gym to see which exit was closest.
“What are they saying?” Trevor asked.
“They’re saying that Josie is really excited.”
Trevor nodded smugly. “Naturally.”
Toby continued, “They’re saying she’s really excited to be going on a date with Rodney, not you.”
Trevor’s eyes bulged and his face turned dark red. He looked back and forth from Toby to me as if trying to decide who to punch first. Oh, good, I thought as Trevor’s punch landed on his brother.
Revenge of the Bully Page 9