by Tessa Bailey
He hadn’t. Not remotely. It had been excruciatingly difficult, saying those words to her over the phone. I’ll let you go. If he didn’t know she wanted him out of her life so badly, saying those words would have been impossible. But he did know. Yes, she wanted him physically, but it ended there. He’d finally accepted that fact during the meeting. She wanted him out of her life badly enough that she’d flown across town in a cab and lied for him, something he knew went against her morals, her very nature.
Jonah was assaulted by a flashback of her, sitting at the bar of his club that first night, so questioning yet full of conviction. Now, she looked positively drained. He’d done that to her. She’d told him she couldn’t stand being a hypocrite, but he hadn’t listened well enough, turning her into one on several occasions. He’d unconsciously used their attraction against her the way she’d accused him of doing, and he’d dimmed the fire inside her. The knowledge killed him. Yet he wouldn’t take back a single moment of their time together, making him the world’s biggest bastard.
No matter how badly he wanted to hold her, share his incredible happiness over meeting bright, challenging Gabby for the first time, he needed to keep his word. He wouldn’t cause her one second more of distress or self-hatred. Not when he could help it by leaving her outside her apartment door and driving away. It might be wiser to drop her outside her building in Battery Park, but in her present state, she didn’t look like she’d make it up the stairs.
In perfect timing with his thoughts, the cab pulled up outside a luxury high-rise. Having no other choice, he glanced over at Caroline, surprised to find her green eyes watching him steadily.
When she spoke, her voice sounded strained. “Are you leaving n-now?”
Jonah smothered the pain as best he could. She couldn’t wait to have him gone. “In a minute. I want to make sure you get upstairs without falling and breaking your neck.” He pushed open his door. “It’s the least I can do after this afternoon.”
She nodded, exiting her side of the cab as Jonah asked the driver to wait for him. When they entered the elevator and he watched Caroline press the button for the third floor, with what could only be described as a considerable effort, Jonah bit back a curse. Christ, had being with him really done this to her? Guilt swamped him, dense and unforgiving. Without questioning the wisdom of his actions, he swept her up into his arms. Immediately, she curled into him, head tucking into his neck, fitting into him like a missing puzzle piece. He swore he heard her moan but decided it had to be his imagination.
The elevator doors parted. “Which apartment?”
“Take a right. Last door at the end.”
Jonah strode toward her door as Caroline dug through her purse for keys. He walked them inside, not pausing to look around, knowing it would only be harder the longer he stayed. The further glimpse into her personality was something he couldn’t afford when he needed to focus on the impossible task of leaving her. Reluctantly, he set her down on the kitchen table and stepped back. They stared at each other for long moments, both seemingly at a loss for what to say. Jonah knew he should be walking toward the door, but his feet wouldn’t move. Leaving her looking so broken would be the hardest thing he’d ever done.
You did this to her.
“Jonah—”
“Tell me you’re going to be all right,” he interrupted quietly. “It’s the only way I’ll be able to leave.”
Caroline bit her lip and glanced away. “I’ll be all right.”
Jonah’s head fell forward. “Could you please try and be more convincing?”
They were quiet a moment, until she spoke haltingly. “I wanted to say, you were amazing today with Gabby. She loved you. You’re going to do the best job. The best.”
The knot in his throat tightened. “I owe the chance I’m getting to you. You’ll never know how much I appreciate what you did today.”
She nodded, and even the simple movement seemed to unbalance her on the table. “You’re welcome.”
“Jesus, Caroline.” He shot forward to steady her. “When was the last time you slept?”
She started to speak, then appeared to change her mind about what she wanted to say. “It’s just this story I’m working on…around the clock, you know?”
Her exhaustion made her a bad liar, but he didn’t call her on it. Instead, he damned himself further by bracing his arms on either side of her in case she lost her balance again. At least, that’s what he told himself. Deep down he knew he just wanted to stay close to her as long as possible. Fresh laundry scent and his woman filled his nose, imprinting on his brain to haunt him indefinitely in his dreams. He expected her to stiffen and ask him to leave, remind him she’d fulfilled her end of the bargain. Instead, she swayed toward him, her forehead coming to rest on his chest. Slowly, his arms rose unbidden to surround her.
“Oh God,” she whispered. “I didn’t realize this would be so hard.”
Jonah closed his eyes. He knew exactly what she meant, even if her words were unexpected and slightly confusing. Apparently even she couldn’t deny the attraction or their bond, but she still knew what had to be done. Knew it had to end now, before someone found out about them and her reputation was ruined. He’d pursued her, then let their association go on too long. Now she would suffer for it. In turn, he would suffer tenfold knowing he’d left her worse off than he’d found her. Aching for something she didn’t understand.
“It will get easier.”
Her breath hitched. “Will it?”
“Yes,” he answered with a certainty he didn’t feel. “I have to go now, Caroline.” Or I never will.
Jonah felt a shudder pass through her. “I know I don’t have the right to ask you this, but…will you stay until I fall asleep?”
His heart pounded harder and harder in his chest until he thought it might burst through his rib cage. He shouldn’t do it. It would only make ending this harder on them both, but the desire to hold her, to leave with the knowledge of what it felt like to hold this woman in her bed, couldn’t be denied. He also knew the feeling would torture him for life.
Eyes wide open, Jonah walked the plank. “Of course. I’ll stay for a while.” Once again, he lifted Caroline and cradled her against his chest. He correctly guessed which door led to her bedroom and went inside, laying her down gently on the white bedspread before losing the battle to avoid looking around. Jonah nearly laughed at the contrast between Caroline’s and his own bedroom. He had no place in the fresh innocence surrounding him. Where he had hard, flat surfaces and colorless furniture, Caroline’s room was a rainbow of colors. Framed classic movie posters and Columbia pennants. Gauzy light blue curtains blew forward in front of an open window. Not a spreader bar in sight.
She watched him from her reclined position on the bed. “Not what you expected?”
Jonah shrugged. “I never expected to see the inside of your bedroom.”
His honesty seemed to upset her greatly, a reaction he couldn’t interpret, but when she began to remove her shoes, all rational thought faded to the background. He’d only planned to hold her, but he now realized how silly that assumption had been. She tossed her high heels onto the floor and stretched her bare legs out on the bed, skirt riding up her toned thighs. Her breasts strained against the buttons of her shirt as she removed her blazer. Her movements were guileless, and that somehow made them more seductive. Jonah swallowed a groan as his cock stiffened. Having her one final time would be a gift and a curse for them both. Leaving now would be the right thing to do, but at that moment, walking away felt like a feat of which he wasn’t capable. Her delicate state called to the protector inside him, the part of him that craved a chance to take care of her.
Obviously sensing his conflict, Caroline came to the edge of the bed. “What is it?”
I’m a depraved individual, exactly as you believe me to be. You look at me with such trust and all I want to do is fuck you until I know you’ll never forget me. Sick. “I shouldn’t get in that bed with you, sw
eetheart.”
He watched her lips part, her pupils dilate at the clear arousal apparent in his voice. “But you want to?”
“What kind of a question is that?” Determinedly, he softened his abrupt tone. “You need rest. If I lay down with you, we both know it’ll never happen.”
Green eyes trained on him, she slowly began unbuttoning her shirt. “I can rest afterward.” When she drew off her shirt to bare black lace–encased breasts, then reached for his belt buckle, Jonah could only watch in reckless anticipation. The sight of her topless, hair tumbling around her shoulders, kneeling submissively on the bed before him was heady. A fantasy come to life.
Yet his conscience was railing at him to stop her. Taking Caroline would be ten kinds of wrong when he only meant to walk away afterward. It would only set her back in getting on with her life. The life she’d been living before he entered it, a dark blip on the radar screen. He might not be able to maintain his resolve if he tasted her now. On top of everything, it hurt knowing her interest in him ended at physical attraction. Being inside her would result in the most extreme pleasure/pain possible. Physical pleasure, mental torture.
“Caroline, we can’t.”
A bleak look crossed her face before she hid it. “One last time, Jonah.”
“We’ve had too many last times. It never seems to stick.” He cupped her cheek in his palm, closing his eyes when she leaned into his touch. Goddammit, this fucking hurt. His heart twisted in his chest when he felt her tears fall onto his hand. “We have to make it stick this time, sweetheart. I’m doing this for you.”
Caroline dragged in a shaky breath, then collapsed back on the bed, curled up on her side. She looked like an angel lying there with her hands tucked underneath her chin. At the same time, she embodied temptation for a man like him. His instincts told him to wrap his body around her and protect her from the world, growling at anyone who dared come too close. Only, who would protect her from him?
He pushed the dark thought aside and contemplated lying beside her. Just for a moment. Surely he wouldn’t be condemned for that? He’d told her he would stay until she fell asleep. As long as he didn’t touch her the way he longed to, he would grant himself this single indulgence.
She started a little as Jonah lay down beside her but slowly relaxed back onto the pillows. He wrapped an arm around her waist and drew her back against his chest. A sigh of ultimate contentment threatened to escape him, but he held it back. He savored the feeling of her pliant body aligned with his, even as the sense of rightness tormented him. How can this be a mistake? She was made for me.
“I’m so sorry, Jonah,” she murmured drowsily. “For everything.”
He shushed her. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“I figured it out too late… Damage already done.”
Jonah’s brow knit. “What did you figure out, baby?”
Deep, even breathing greeted his question. She’d fallen asleep.
He allowed himself five blissful minutes of holding her sleeping form close, imagining they were just a couple who’d blown off work to spend the day in bed. When he opened his eyes and looked around at the sunshine-filled room, though, he felt like an imposter. He didn’t belong here with her. He never had. She’d tried to tell him, but he hadn’t listened.
His gaze landed on the garter circling her thigh. No part of him belonged here. It felt like something inside him was being wrenched free as he slid it down her leg and pocketed the silk.
Ignoring the dull roar in his ears, Jonah leaned over her sleeping form and lingered in kissing her forehead. “Good-bye, Caroline.”
Chapter Eighteen
Caroline woke up with a muffled scream into her pillow, curling into the softness to relieve the fierce ache in her middle. It felt as if someone had scooped out her insides with a rusted spoon. Breathing through the pain, she rolled over in bed, making a frantic grab for her bedside clock. Three o’clock in the morning. Dammit, what day?
She jerked around in bed, knowing Jonah wouldn’t be there. He’d been there, hadn’t he? Or had she dreamed it? She dove forward, burying her face into the pillow beside her own and inhaling. No, not a dream—she could smell him.
I lost him. He’s gone. He let me go.
No. I forced him to let me go.
Their brief time together flashed through her mind in a series of snapshots until the pit in her stomach yawned so wide, she thought it might envelop her. Thanks to how exhausted she’d been, she could barely remember what had transpired between them in her apartment Wednesday afternoon. Could only recall the sting of him turning her down, explaining that their separation had to be permanent this time. The memory threatened to crush her.
Now that she could think straight, horrible thoughts and realizations poured in like a bath tap that couldn’t be turned off. She’d been dead wrong. About everything. Jonah, the club, what it represented. She hadn’t for one second questioned whether or not he should be allowed visitation with his daughter. Of course he should. When had her opinion about him changed? Or had it been the same all along, but she’d just been too stubborn to admit it?
She’d let this man, this complicated, amazing man, walk away. He’d likely been relieved and anxious to get rid of her. To forget all about the girl who’d made him feel less than at every turn, when in reality, he was one of the best people she’d ever known. She’d let the threat of her family, society, and colleagues’ perceptions crowd her judgment and pushed him away too many times. Now she’d lost him. At the heart of the horrible realization, Caroline knew she’d brought it on herself by being shortsighted and foolish.
She’d had this pain coming, the even worse pain that would surely follow. This clarity had shown itself way too late, because no matter what she did, nothing could make up for the last couple weeks. Jonah was already lost to her…
…and Caroline had completely and utterly fallen for him.
Without thinking, her fingers flew to her bare thigh. Gone. The garter was gone. He’d taken it with him. Released her. No, please. No. She’d wanted to be free, thought it was the only way to be happy, when happiness was belonging to Jonah.
Caroline jumped out of bed and ran for the kitchen, firing up her laptop. She recognized this moment in time for what it was. She could admit defeat, wallow in self-pity indefinitely and hope someday a man came along who made her feel one-tenth the way Jonah made her feel. Or she could stop feeling sorry for herself, wake the hell up, and focus on making it right. Namely, getting Jonah back.
She wanted, needed to be with him. Not in spite of who he was but because of it. She’d never been surer of anything in her life. All her dogged worries about disappointing her family and friends had led only to her disappointing herself. She’d condemned him without giving him a chance, put limits on their relationship as if she were ashamed to be associated with him. Just thinking about it made her feel nauseous. If Jonah took her back, she would be one incredibly lucky woman, and she planned to make sure everyone knew it.
Oh, and it wouldn’t hurt to save her family business from ruin while she was at it. Before she could even allow herself the freedom to hope, actions needed to be taken. A phone call or showing up with cupcakes on his doorstep would not suffice. Not by a long shot. Deeds not words. Of all the lessons she’d taken from her father, this one had stuck with her, and it applied now.
Caroline devised a plan. It was brash, risky, and completely unlike her. Carrying it out would mean the end of the life she’d created and the beginning of a new, unfamiliar one. Frankly, it terrified her. She’d never opened herself up for ridicule or criticism before, conscious that everything she did reflected on the Preston name. But her happiness was at stake. She couldn’t imagine time would erase the pain of losing Jonah. Just the thought of never seeing him again spiraled her into a panic. Deep in her bones, she knew she was doing the right thing. She hoped her father would see it like that someday.
Just after dawn started to break, Caroline attached the
exposé on Joseph Kimble’s Ponzi scheme to an email and typed a quick explanation to her contact. This was the accumulation of all her hard work. The exposé that would put Preston’s back on the map. When printed on their front page, it would make them a viable news source once again.
But instead of sending it to her editor at Preston’s, she sent it to the New York Times.
…
With a calm she didn’t feel, Caroline took her seat at the ancient conference room table. The same one she’d made a fort beneath on Take Your Daughter to Work Day five years running, until she’d grown too cool for forts and started shadowing her father’s every move. Boy, the idea of crawling underneath the solid oak table right now, however, was mighty appealing.
Now or never, Caroline. You’re not a little girl anymore who just wants her father to be proud of her. You are a woman who makes her own decisions. This is one of them.
“Right.” Philip clapped his hands together once, nodding sternly at her and Oliver in turn. That was his unofficial signal, announcing the end of family time and the commencement of business concerns. She and Oliver exchanged anxious glances, but he softened his with a wink. “I’d planned on beginning this meeting with the vote. But I’m anxious to share some news.”
Caroline’s heart slowed to a dull beat as her father sent her a knowing look. She hadn’t anticipated this. She’d planned on the vote coming first.
Oliver showed no visible reaction. “What news?”
She couldn’t look at her brother, could only stare as Philip rose to stand in front of the picture window overlooking the Financial District. “I’m retiring. Effective immediately.” He bestowed a proud look on her, one that almost made her resolve take a nosedive. “Caroline will replace me as president. I trust her to bring Preston’s into the present gracefully. In fact, I can’t wait to see what she does. The paperwork has already been signed and filed.”
You might want to hold that thought. “Thank you, Father.” She could feel disbelief radiating from Oliver, even if his face showed exactly none of it, remaining cool and impassive. “I didn’t anticipate you making the announcement so soon, but apparently this promises to be the day for surprises.”