Today we were shopping for a dress for Spring Fling. The announcement had been more than eight days ago, and they were pressuring me to find both a dress to wear and a person to be my escort for the occasion. “Well, at least there’s still some availability out there,” she continued without waiting for me to answer. “But you can’t put off asking much longer. Next week everyone will be getting ready for spring break and when we get back, there’s just no time to properly plan anything.”
What they said made sense, but it didn’t account for my secret encounter with Ryan. Though he hadn’t said or written anything to me since, I guessed he had to be thinking about it. I sure was.
Did he see me as selfish and manipulative? Probably. And maybe I was. Not anymore than Christie was being with him, though. So now it was his move and choice to act on what or whom he really wanted. The way I saw it was that he missed me and he wanted to be with me, but Christie was a sure thing, and he didn’t trust me all the way. I didn’t trust myself either, exactly. When he said I was trying to break them up, that was true. But wouldn’t I be doing him a favor in some way? He was so far into this ridiculous role-playing with her that he was losing himself. He didn’t have to live some head-over-heels fairy tale to prove he knew what real love was or to be the sort of person he thought Christie wanted. He needed to get real and honest with his feelings, but I had taken a big chance to try and seduce him like I did. I wanted him to act with more certainty, but I didn’t want him to resent me so much for it that I only pushed him away even more. I wanted him to take me to Spring Fling, even though that seemed all but impossible. Still, I was holding out hope that something had to change soon.
“I don’t want to ask anyone who would develop any romantic expectations.” Nic looked puzzled. “That I like them for anything more than a dance,” I added. “I have to sit by Matt every day in chapel. It would be awkward.”
“Cooper hasn’t asked anyone yet. I think he is waiting to see who you’ll ask,” Kelli said. “He told me he sent you a rose for Valentine’s Day. He’s a possibility.”
So it was him. That fact didn’t do anything for me. “Whatever. Cooper only thinks he likes me at the moment because I rejected him. He’s not used that, and it confuses him or something. Seriously, I’m not into him.”
“You really have a cold heart this year toward guys,” Nic said. “Is anyone good enough for you now after…”
I spun around to raise my eyebrows and face her, finishing the sentence for her internally. But it wasn’t Ben that was keeping me from asking a guy out now.
“… Australia. I mean, you haven’t gone out with anyone since you’ve been back. You don’t even express an interest in potential guys to ask to this dance. It’s not like you can go alone.”
“I’m sure lots of guys will be disappointed when you make your choice.” Kelli plucked a purple taffeta dress with one shoulder off the rack and handed it to me. “Christie told me she was going to wear red and buy Ryan a matching bow tie and cummerbund. Sounds nice, doesn’t it?” she said, changing the subject, but not really. “You should do that for whoever you decide to take, which is another reason to get your dress if you can this weekend.”
“How long ago did she tell you that?” I asked, nodding at the saleslady who had come up to us and asked if we were ready for a room.
“The other day when I sat out practice. She asked me what color you were going to wear, actually.” We followed the saleslady to the back of the store. “And who you were going with.”
Kelli took a seat outside the dressing room before the lady led me to my stall. She said she was getting tired of standing.
“I can stay out here or come in with you if you want,” Nic offered.
“I’ll just call if I need you guys. What’d you tell her?” I directed the question at Kelli. “I’ll come out if I like something.”
“That you hadn’t made any choices yet.”
Inside the changing room, I stepped in and out of the dresses without giving them a second glance. Neither color that they had chosen coordinated with red and black, and now that I knew what he was wearing, I wanted to at least visually go with Ryan. The dresses were both a little big, too. I’d gained a few pounds in the first couple of weeks back, and then stopped eating as much when I felt the difference in my clothes. Now there was room in them again, but I was keenly aware I could not take food restriction too far. Though I was on the margins of a dangerous practice, I had come a long way. It was all about control. Either I owned up to my emotions, or they would take control of me. I was glad I confronted Ryan for this reason. And I’d been honest with him, too.
I hung the dresses neatly on a hook. It wouldn’t do any good to tell my friends why I really didn’t like the dresses, just as it would be no good to explain that I really wanted to go to this dance with Ryan. I suspected Kelli wouldn’t be surprised, and maybe Nic wouldn’t either, but it was too far away from how she viewed Ryan and Christie together now to picture that happening. Kelli, on the other hand, understood what it was like to deeply love someone and miss him when he wasn’t near you. It wasn’t too much of a leap to imagine how weird it must be to have that same person you missed near you and still so far away. Even so, she’d probably ask me to consider Christie’s feelings, too.
“No good. Let’s try somewhere else.” I said, finding Kelli sitting outside the dressing room. Nic was out looking through the racks again.
“That pink really goes well with your complexion. Are you sure? You didn’t even show us.”
“Too innocent and girly. It makes me feel like I’m sixteen again. Besides, I want something less…stereotypical.”
“I’m not sure what you mean.”
I wasn’t either until I flipped through the sale rack in the women’s section at Marnie’s department store. Most of their evening dresses were beyond my budget, but an unusual gunmetal-gray, silk dress with a black, lace sleeves and a high neck slashed down to a fraction of its original price made me look twice. It reminded me of clothes that prim but elegant ladies from the early part of the twentieth century would’ve worn.
Nic laughed at it. “It’s so old-fashioned.”
“But look at the black sash at the waist and the crystal buttons on the neck,” I countered.
“Size six,” she said, pulling at the tag. “Not your size, and I don’t see another on this rack, which is a good thing, because everyone would wonder if you’d gone insane to wear a dress like this. Total grandma.”
“Imagine it without the sleeves and the neck, but if you kept the sash and recycled the crystal buttons. I like the sweetheart shape of its front. It could be taken in easily. The way it’s put together allows for it. The seamstress my mom uses in town could totally fix it up.”
“I can see it,” Kelli said. “It could be gorgeous.” She rubbed the fabric between her fingers. “The material alone seems worth the price.”
“No other dress we’ve seen had this color.” Nic backtracked as she studied the dress again. “And no one else would show up with the same outfit, at least.”
“It’s definitely the one,” I said, taking satisfaction in how Kelli could tell Christie about it now. She wouldn’t quite be able to imagine it. No one would completely until after its transformation. “One of a kind, and the color goes with almost anything.” It would be a statement piece. “I want it.”
***
My dress made me nervous. It was the type of garment that demanded an outcome. It needed a date, but Ryan was losing his window of opportunity. A girl and her dress, I soon realized, could only keep it open for so long. In English and Spanish class I had felt his covert watchfulness in the last couple of days. He was playing with me, I supposed. He had to understand my predicament. He would have heard something about my plans, or lack of them, from Christie via Kelli by now. But he was waiting, again, for what I’d do next. To
day in particular, it was as if our eyes played a game of cat and mouse. The lingering question they chased made the memory of the kisses I shared with Ryan become an obsessive thought in my head, and I throbbed where his body had touched mine if I let myself remember for too long.
As each day passed this week, another girl in the dorm announced her date, and my lack of one was getting more airtime. Kelli and David were going together, and the junior Nic had said she thought was cute, Luis, asked her after breaking up with his girlfriend a week or two before. I was happy for them, but these announcements, along with the dress, kept ratcheting up the pressure.
In art class my eyes fell on Peter, the junior who had used me as a model for his siren drawing. It came out really well, although you couldn’t tell it was me, because the girl’s hair was blowing over part of her face. The teacher had put it up on the wall, and some boy in the back made a crack about needing to get in touch with his feminine side to get noticed in the art world. I’d heard guys tease Peter before about never playing sports and knowing the exact names of colors in the paint box. I had never heard about him having any girlfriends, but then again he could draw a sensitive portrayal of a woman, like he studied them regularly.
“Can I speak with you after class?” I asked him, walking a little out into the commons with him so we wouldn’t be overheard. Across the way I caught sight of Ryan and Christie exiting their sixth-period class. “I need someone to escort me to Spring Fling,” I told him. “I’m not looking for romance, just a dance partner. Would you be interested? Do you know how to dance?”
He laughed at me in reaction. I guess I seemed pathetic. “Of course I can dance,” he said, which made me relieved. “Dance partner and ‘just friends’ sound good to me.”
Even better. “Cool. I would hug you if I hadn’t just asked you to a dance and all,” I joked. “That could be taken wrong.” We laughed together this time, and I imagined Ryan’s ears honing in on the sound. He’d have some wondering to do when he found out. Let him wonder. “Te toca a ti” was a phrase we learned recently in Spanish to use when playing games. It meant, “Your turn,” and soon enough Ryan would know that I’d played a hand by asking Peter to the dance and he had better make a move if he wanted to get back into the game.
My choice surprised Nic and Kelli, not only because Peter was a junior and seemed so inexperienced with girls, but also because he’d never been mentioned in our circle before. “At least he’ll appreciate my dress. He’s a fan of the color. He asked me if it had a tinge of blue.” I laughed. My mood had lifted.
Chapter 16
Shorts
The hotel in Puerta Vallarta was a luxury most of us didn’t expect. It was nicer than any vacation hotel I had ever been to in the States, and we were treated like VIPs even though we were teenagers. Aside from being right on the beach with balconies that looked across the Pacific, the pool area below was full of cabanas, Jacuzzis, volleyball nets, and a floating bar. Waiters in white shirts and sombreros walked around in the common areas taking exotic drink orders at prices that seemed dirt cheap. With the negligent activity director, Mr. Bradley, as our chaperone for our senior trip, everyone tacitly understood we could get away with almost anything, as long as we didn’t cause any complaints at the hotel and everyone stayed out of jail.
“No drugs and no sex on the beach,” he’d said only half jokingly. “Both are against the law here for foreigners and I can’t help you if you get arrested. Also, in the States you’re too young to drink. I know you can get it here, but I don’t want to know about it. Please use caution.” I hadn’t seen Mr. Bradley since we arrived. I think he was supposed to show up for breakfast, but Kelli, Nic and I didn’t make it down this morning. We’d stayed up too late the night before talking and practically slept until noon.
I wore an old bikini from last season that I preferred to anything new I’d seen. I knew I looked good, even though Nic and Kelli both commented that I seemed super thin.
I couldn’t wait to wear it in front of Ryan. And Christie. She’d just die. I knew she would. He might be at her side physically, but during this trip I was staking claim on his head and his heart.
Nic and Kelli didn’t know it, but the weekend we’d gone clothes shopping, I’d also noticed a pair of shorts I bought for Ryan. They were orange-crush-colored Bermudas from a hip surf-style shop that looked provocative and fun. They inspired the idea. I was careful not to linger too long with them at the time, but later I came back to the store midweek alone and bought the shorts. I wrapped them in a package I had to mail off campus when I sent them to him. They had been my only communication with him since the kiss, and I didn’t even sign my name to the note I had enclosed with them. It read:
Give me a sign. Wear these during spring break so I’ll know who you’re really thinking of. Plus, they’ll look good on you.
***
Down at the pool, I lounged with Nic and Kelli under an umbrella, near the shallow end, sipping on a piña colada. The weather was perfect and the warm sun was a decadent indulgence midwinter. I thought of days spent at beaches around Sydney before I came home—falling asleep under a breeze, smelling the salt water, and hearing spurts of laughter and conversation tick away an afternoon, lulling me into short naps or psychedelic dreams that UV rays seemed to enhance.
“Aah. Just…wow.” Kelli sighed in response to Nic gushing over how we were finally here.
“It’s really great,” I agreed, flipping onto my stomach. “Tell me when twenty minutes are up.” I rested my chin on my crossed arms at the end of the lounge, turning my head toward Nic, who was wearing a watch.
“So, where are you and Peter going to eat before Spring Fling?” she asked.
“I’m not even sure. I told him he could pick the restaurant and I would arrange for the limo.” I was covering these costs, which I had never done before on a big occasion like this, but I wanted him to be certain from the get-go I wasn’t expecting anything romantic, and neither should he. I rose up on one arm to take another sip of my drink. “So where are you and Luis going?” It had been a week full of gossip about senior girls who were being escorted by juniors at school before we left for spring break. I had told her we had started a trend.
“We’re not. He told me he couldn’t on Thursday, and that he was getting back together with his girlfriend.”
I turned on my side to completely face her. “Are you kidding me? What a jerk! What are you going to do? Do you want to come with us? I know we’d be three, but who cares? It’s just for fun,” I said as the idea came to me. “Yeah, just come with us.”
“No. I have a new date.” Nic’s eyes looked a little nervous. “Don’t be mad, okay? I’m going with Cooper.”
“Cooper?” I sat up in the chair. Cooper, who’d told Kelli he sent the rose on Valentine’s Day to me? “Since when?”
“He found out about Luis and asked me. He didn’t have a date really either, you know.” Her eyes darted back up to mine again. “You’re not mad, are you?”
“No.” I hesitated. “I’m not mad.” Kelli and Nic exchanged a glance. It was obvious she already knew before me. “I’m not attracted to him.” I frowned. “But I don’t think he’s your type, either.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Her voice angled defensively.
I shook my head, still processing my reaction. “He’s dated a lot of girls.”
“That’s true,” Kelli said.
“It doesn’t mean anything, and I get to decide who my type is.” Nic crossed her arms together. “Besides, I really needed a last-minute date.” She looked away.
“I get ya,” I said, turning back on my stomach to look down at the ground again. “I hope you all have fun.” I didn’t know what more to say. I didn’t want her to overanalyze any other comment I had and take offense. I wasn’t jealous; I just didn’t want her to get hurt. I studied the design of the tiles
a foot below my face, wondering how long Nic might have been attracted to Cooper and why I never saw it before. She felt she needed to mask her interest in a guy, too, maybe.
“Here come Christie and Ryan,” Nic said after a few minutes of silence.
Cooper and Nic exited my thoughts, and I consciously fought against the immediate impulse to raise my head. I had only seen Christie and Ryan on the flight and group dinner after we checked in. They stuck to each other as always, but I caught Ryan glance my way at one point. I’d grown conscious of not searching for him too openly, but used to feeling like he was doing the same thing. In my mind, the game of cat and mouse continued. I behaved as if I didn’t notice every minute he was near me and I believed he tried to as well. But now we were in Mexico, in sexy bathing suits at the beginning of our spring break—a proverbial milestone that invariably persuaded its participants let go of some inhibitions. If he couldn’t bring himself to make a move now, perhaps he never would. Te toca a ti, Ryan.
“Those are cool shorts he’s wearing,” Kelli said. “Is he carrying a boom box?”
My body twitched at my mind willing it to move, but the careful part of me resisted again.
“Cute bikini she has on,” Nic said. “I like the cherries. His shorts look like some in the mall we saw last weekend. I bet that’s where they’re from.”
My heart pounded in my chest. I really wanted a peek now, but I wanted his anticipation of seeing me see him more.
“Where’re they sitting?” I muffled my voice in my arms, trying to sound less alert than I felt.
“Across the pool, more toward the deep end. I wonder what tunes they brought.”
Mariachi music had been streaming in the lobby, restaurants, and hallways since we arrived. It was nice for a change, but it wasn’t quite as cool as having your own stereo.
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