“I wasn’t so courageous. I was afraid of what people would say if I didn’t come. And it seemed like the right thing to do, for everyone else here, you know? Anyway, maybe the only reason they didn’t boo me off the stage tonight is because you were standing next to me, looking so cool and confident. I owe you, Peter.”
He waived off the solemnity in my voice. “That’s not true,” he said. “You held it together, too. And sometimes the right thing to do is also the hardest.”
“Thanks, Peter.” I gave him a hug. “How would you get home though, if I leave?”
He blushed. “I’ll catch a ride with someone. Anyway, I know you’re going to find Ryan.”
He’d asked me earlier what the backpack was for in the limo and I’d told him it was a change of clothes because I wanted to meet Ryan later. Before Christie attempted suicide, we hinted at being able to make love again tonight, the first time since Mexico. I didn’t know if he felt like it now—I didn’t—but I still wanted to see him.
“Can you meet me on the corner outside?” I asked Ryan when I called before I left the dance. “I don’t want to face your parents.”
“They don’t blame you. They wouldn’t say anything.”
“Still.”
“Did anyone say anything about me there tonight?”
“Not directly to me or Peter; I think the school’s official policy is to pretend like it didn’t happen for now. I think they told the teachers not to say anything. Or maybe most people just didn’t want such a downer hanging over the dance.”
“You sound sad. What about your friends?”
“Kelli was here only briefly with David and I haven’t seen Nic and Cooper that much, just to say hi. Everyone’s been dancing. Someone spiked the punch, and that was pretty popular, too.” I tried to say something funny. Poor Ryan had suffered so much to be with me. Perhaps I wouldn’t tell him about all the accusatory looks and not going to the restroom there for fear of being cornered by her friends. “Will you bring the cummerbund and bow tie you were going to wear tonight? The ones she bought you?”
“Why?”
“I have an idea.” It was something I had pictured in my mind as soon as I put on my own formal attire for this evening. It was probably why I even picked up that book of matches on the way out of the restaurant.
Ryan told his parents he was meeting Doug, who didn’t go to the dance either, just to hang out and talk for a while.
Once inside the limo that I had rented until 1:00 a.m., Ryan brought out a corked bottle of Dom Pérignon from his coat. “I bought it last weekend for us,” he said. “I had a glass before you called.”
I took the bottle from him and took a swig from the top. It felt halfway full. “Well, maybe a little bit more than a glass,” Ryan admitted.
“It’s okay. What have you been doin’ tonight?”
“Listening to the Stones.”
I kissed him hello, tasting the champagne on his lips. “If only the DJ liked my namesake Mick as much as you. If I have to listen to a Journey song one more time I think I’ll puke.”
I told him a little more about the dance. He recited a few song lyrics. I was edgy, but being with him again helped me relax. The driver took us to a picnic area off of Tramway Boulevard.
“The view of the city should be good from here,” I said, and we turned around in our seat as we went up the base of the Sandia Mountains. The lights of Albuquerque spread out in front of us through the backseat window, emanating a gold glow from the valley below. “They’re nice,” Ryan said, breaking a quiet that grew between us at the sight.
“Let us off here,” I told the driver as we neared the area I remembered visiting before off a loop of the park. “Can we meet you down by the turnoff in an hour?” I took my bag and coat when as we exited.
“You look beautiful,” Ryan said as I put the coat on. The temperature had dropped a few degrees.
After the limo drove away I took my coat off again and turned around for him under the lamppost near the parking lot to show him the dress. “I had it tailored. I wanted it to go with what you would wear.” I related how Kelli had told me the colors he and Christie were supposed to wear and how I had picked it out with those in mind. “But she chose that tie and cummerbund you brought, and this dress has felt tarnished since the moment I put it on. I want to burn it. I want to burn your things. And I want to push all this behind us.”
Ryan smiled wide and his breath turned to frosty mist in front of me. He took another swig from the bottle, and we walked toward the shape of a picnic table we could make out under the stars. I wobbled a couple of times in my heels on the rocky path, but Ryan kept me steady with my hand in his.
“Help me with my zipper,” I said as we got to the table. He sat the bottle on top of it.
I shrugged off my coat and turned my back to him. His cold hand sent shivers down my spine as I felt him brush my hair away.
“Hurry, I’m cold.” I flinched away the icy grip of the dark night. There was an indifferent stillness to this place that didn’t care what we might do next.
As the zipper slid down its path I wiggled out of my dress with my teeth chattering. In a couple of seconds the dark, silky mass collapsed at my feet. Ryan immediately opened his overcoat and pulled me close to his body, using his hands in his coat pockets to wrap us in a cocoon together. His chest and thighs felt warm behind me and I leaned back into him, savoring the heat of his arms crossed in over my torso, his lips expending air against my neck.
“You feel good,” I said, losing my focus in the starred, mute sky for a minute until I turned toward him. Inside I was still smarting from the awkwardness and sadness of the evening and didn’t think I could really bring myself to have sex like we had once planned tonight, but I reconsidered it now. I turned around in his arms and kissed him, wrapping my own arms around his chest. I could feel his body shudder around me, but knew with certainty the time wasn’t right. I hugged him even more tightly to me, feeling all his pain, grief, and fear. “I love you, Kara,” he said finally, and I raised my head up and kissed his eyelids wet with tears.
“C’mon, let’s do this,” I said, and turned from him to grab the jeans out of my bag.
I redressed quickly and then scooped up the gown from the concrete pad under the table and stuffed it into the outdoor barbecue next to it. He plucked his tie and belt from his pocket and threw it unceremoniously on top of the grate. Then we started a fire.
“It’s the acetate in the tie and cummerbund that caught so fast,” he said as we sat on top of the table and watched our clothes burn. An animal howled in the distance. Coyote, maybe. I couldn’t really tell the difference between them and dogs, except the coyotes seemed higher pitch to me sometimes. I remembered my brother once telling me they sounded like babies crying.
“You didn’t tell me she told you she’d hurt herself,” I said in the dark.
“I didn’t believe her. When she said she’d try to hurt you or me it seemed more her style. I guess she did in a way anyway. Some evening, huh, Kara?”
“I’m sorry you spent it alone, Ryan.”
“I felt like a total reject.”
“I’m sure if they had to do it all over again, I would be banned from any Spring Fling court.”
We laughed, sort of.
“They say she’ll be okay. My mom called hers. They might keep her out of school for a while. She may have to do a summer session to graduate, but the teachers will work with her doing assignments from home.”
I exhaled some of the relief that ran through me. “I’ll be glad not to see her right away.”
“Me too.”
“And we’ll put what happened behind us.”
“Yes.”
“And perhaps they will be gossiping about something else in a week or two.”
“Maybe.”
The fire went out in less than twenty minutes, but kept us mesmerized throughout. We drank the rest of the champagne, and I told Ryan about my visit to Dolores Matthews. “Last year my parents wanted me to talk to someone after you left,” he said.
“My parents thought it would be good to talk to her once I was back too.”
“About what?” he asked.
“Readjustment I suppose.”
We began to walk back toward the limousine on the sidewalk separating the parking lot and park area. It was too dark to go off into the wilderness. Plus, both of us were conscious of all the animal and nature sounds surrounding us. The desert was much more populated at night, just not with people.
“Chiaroscuro,” I said, passing by another lamppost. “Peter and I were talking about it tonight. It’s a term we learned in art about emphasizing shadows to make what we see more realistic. That’s how life strikes me these days.”
“What do you mean?”
“Any composition is a mix between light and dark. If I wanted to capture this moment in a normal photo, it would be hard. The flash would take away the darkness and leave us looking like we were in the day for the most part. But we’re not; we’re in shadows that highlight different points of our bodies, different moods of the moment. A picture of how I feel right now would be hard to capture, unless it was chiaroscuro.” I put my hand up toward the sky with the lamppost in back of us, twisting it in and out of shadow. “See what I mean?”
“Yes.”
“Do you remember that ‘busca la luz’ lecture in chapel that day? It was when you picked up my pen for me and then Christie or Josie threw a hairbrush at me later.”
“Yes.”
“‘Look for the light.’ Sometimes I wish I could find more light and less dark in life. The reality is we live in a lot of darkness. And crazy things happen.” I tried to suppress it but couldn’t resist thinking of Ben on that note, and I wondered where he was tonight. I would see him soon and I hadn’t told Ryan a thing about it. Not amid all this. Maybe not even if this hadn’t happened. “Sometimes life’s so hard. I dunno. I’m just tired.”
Ryan put his arm around me. “You’re my light.”
It was a nice thing to say. Romantic, even. But for me it rang a little hollow. “Not always,” I said, even though we both knew it.
He squeezed my shoulder. “Maybe not always,” Ryan conceded as we walked a few steps more. “But many times. You’ll feel better tomorrow, Kara. We’ll be better. We’ll find it.”
I wondered if we would—if we’d find that spark again between us. What happened with Christie haunted me, despite trying to burn the awfulness away. I couldn’t imagine it would be different for him.
When we got to the park turnoff, the lights of the city became visible again. The driver had the window open, blowing smoke from a cigarette. He tossed it to the ground, got out, and stepped on it, then walked around and opened the door for us.
“You must see a lot to not say anything about taking us to the mountains and watching me pick up two different boys tonight.” I said what came to my mind, which was uncharacteristic of me, but I was aware the driver was being deliberately quiet and discreet. I wasn’t hiding the hours before from Ryan and I wanted that at least to be clear.
“I thought that was a secret.”
I glanced sideways at Ryan and laughed a little at the driver’s dry humor. Ryan raised his eyebrows at us both and shrugged diplomatically as if to say it was no big deal, anyway.
“Well, this one’s the real one,” I said, getting into the limousine.
Ryan slid into the seat after me. “Real one what?”
It was my turn to say the nice thing. My hand covered his own. “Guy I meant to be with tonight.” I leaned into his shoulder, folded my legs to the opposite side of the seat, and looked away from him out the window. It was my turn to say the thing that wasn’t always true, though at the moment I wanted it to be. “Guy my heart belongs to.” Our driver pulled on to the road. “Guy it’s time we take back home.”
Chapter 22
Ben
The irony wasn’t lost on me how, even out of Australia, I always kept Ben’s significance to me close to my chest.
I told no one about his coming. To Ryan, I said I had dental appointments on Thursday so he wouldn’t try to stay after school. Ben had told me his flight got in around two thirty. By the time he made it over to my side of town, classes would be over.
The only problem was I didn’t know where to wait for him or how he would arrive. Visitors had to check in with the guard, and if he came during school hours, probably the administration would be notified first. If it were after, he’d have to check in with my dorm parents.
I went to my room after the bell rang to put my books down and wait for the buses to leave. It was three fifteen, and I doubted Ben could make it to school this quickly. After I was sure most students were gone, I went back to the administration building to hang out. I had to walk by chapel to reach the double front doors and ran my hand across them, thinking about Ryan with a twinge of guilt. That was our place, but if there was nowhere else to talk to Ben privately, I could take him there. Maybe. I didn’t want to. I paced for a while and then told the school secretary I was waiting for a visitor, so she’d be prepared.
“Who?” she asked.
“Just a friend from out of town.”
But by the time she left at four, he still wasn’t here and I had to go back to my dorm and wait. The janitor started locking the outer front doors and it just looked weird to loiter further.
Around four thirty, he still hadn’t showed. In my head I went over our conversation again. I couldn’t have gotten the day wrong. I rolled my neck and shook out some of the tension in my shoulders. It was hard to relax, but I inhaled deeply trying to make it happen—until I heard my dorm mom call my name down the hall a few minutes later, which took my breath away again.
Standing in the foyer of our dorm house, Ben looked taller and older. He had a carry-on-size travel bag over his shoulder and was holding a sweater in one hand.
“Hey!” He smiled, and I ran up to him and hugged him. I beamed back, feeling kind of moonstruck and dumb.
“You all can visit in the salon if you like. We’ll be going to dinner soon. Mr. Carsten is welcome to come with us.” The sound of Dorm Mom’s voice broke into our moment, and I glanced at her now, irritated at her polite invitation. I really hoped Ben didn’t think hers was a good idea. I wanted to see him alone, not in a crowd full of classmates.
“Are you hungry?” I asked quickly. “Cafeteria food.” I wrinkled my nose.
“Well, I’ve been eating all day on the plane.”
“Good, because I’m not hungry at all,” I said back to my dorm parent, without taking my eyes off Ben.
“Okay. Well, as you know, Kara, there are no male visitors except family beyond the salon in the dorm.”
I grimaced at Ben before turning to her. “Yes, I know. Thanks, Mrs. Bentley.”
“Cheers,” Ben said as she walked out.
He winked at me and I knew she was gone.
“I thought your flight came in at two thirty. How long do you have?” I asked, immediately trying to figure out where we could go, what we could do.
“It did, but it was a little late and then I just needed to check with them about the next leg. I have a couple of hours. I booked the taxi to come back at half past six.”
“Six thirty!” That left us only two hours. I had imagined having much more time with him, that maybe I would show him some things on campus or that we walk down to the local Lotaburger about half a mile down the road and get a soda. We would have a long talk about so many things that happened since we last saw each other. Maybe I would tell him about Ryan. I am back together with my old boyfriend, I repeated a couple of times in my h
ead, to see how it sounded. “But when does your flight leave?”
“A little after eight. Hey, if you want we could call the cab now and go out somewhere closer to the airport, and then I’d have them bring you back.”
“I can’t.” It was a good plan, but it wouldn’t work. “You’re not on my list of visitors. I can’t be in a car off campus with just anyone. They have to be on my list, and study hall starts at seven thirty.” I could have asked Mom to put him on my list in advance had I known, but I didn’t want to have to explain anything about Ben to my real parents, either. I was crestfallen. All this anxious anticipation over his visit and everything I would be able to talk to him about had come down to just two hours. How did I even start?
“So this is our salon,” I said, opening an adjacent door with a window off the foyer. Thankfully, no one was in there. “It’s basically just a big TV and group study room.” I said, gesturing to a couple of old wooden tables in the back with mismatched chairs. We walked in and sat on a worn, gold damask couch facing a window where we could see people mingling toward the cafeteria.
“You look healthy.” Ben said, and I felt his eyes travel over me as if he were taking in my physical changes.
I straightened my shoulders, a little self-consciously. I had made my hair wavy today, something I never did in Australia because I didn’t have the right hair accessories there. I was wearing mascara, lipstick—still not as much as most girls, but more than he’d ever probably seen on me. And I was a few pounds heavier than before, but I had more muscle too. I’d taken to running around the track in the mornings a few days a week. “Thanks,” I said. “You do, too.” Actually, he looked a little tired, but it seemed impolite to tell him so. He was still gorgeous, so it didn’t actually matter. I looked for the mole on his cheek that I’d always admired. “Are you growing a beard?”
“No.” He rubbed his chin and jawline. “I should have shaved, but I knew I was late already getting in.”
Luz, Rebound Page 14