Little Big Tom enters, tilts his head to one side, raises one eyebrow, does a quick, shallow knee bend, tilts his head to the other side, raises the phone he is carrying above his head, and brings it down, straightening his arm in one fluid motion, as though it’s a remote and he’s changing the channel. Or a phaser on stun.
“There a rock star in the house?”
I take the phone. “Oh, thank God,” I say, when I realize it is Celeste “Fiona” Fletcher. Because we’ve started saying that whenever we call each other.
Fake Fiona: “Trombone!”
Amanda: “Get off the phone. Get off the phone. Get off the phone.”
Mom: just about halfway visible from a certain angle, seated at the dining room table at the end of the hall in a cloud of cigarette smoke, staring into her drink. Looking sad and beautiful.
Little Big Tom, sighing: “Rock and roll…”
Sam Hellerman: staring ahead inscrutably, fingering bass strings. Saying nothing.
1. Easter Monday
2. Baby Batter
GUITAR: Guitar Guy
BASE AND SCIENTOLOGY: Sam Hellerman
THIRD ALBUM: Odd and Even Number
3. The Plasma Nukes
GUITAR: Lithium Dan
BASS AND CALLIGRAPHY: Little Pink Sambo
VOX: The Worm
MACHINE-GUN DRUMS: TBA
FIRST ALBUM: Feelin’ Free with the Plasma Nukes
4. Tennis with Guitars
LEAD AXE: Love Love
BASS AND RAT-CATCHING: The Prophet Samuel
VOCALS, KEYS, BUMPING, GRINDING: Li’l Miss Debbie
DRUMMER: Beat-Beat
FIRST ALBUM: Amphetamine Low
COVER: white with the album title in tiny black type on the back. The band name does not appear anywhere on the outside packaging.
SECOND ALBUM: Phantasmagoria, Gloria
PHOTO: a police dog licks a broken doll’s face.
5. Helmet Boy
GUITAR: Moe
BASS AND PROCRASTINATION: Sambiguity
FIRST ALBUM: Helmet Boy II
6. Liquid Malice
7. The Underpants Machine
GUITAR: Super-Moe
BASS AND BOTTLE ROCKETS: Sam Sam the Piper’s Son
FIRST ALBUM: We Will Bury You
8. The Stoned Marmadukes
GUITAR: Moe “Fingers” Henderson
BASS AND PALEONTOLOGY: Mr. Sam Hellerman
FIRST ALBUM: Right Lane Must Exit
9. Ray Bradbury’s Love-Camel
GUITAR: Moe-Moe
BASS AND CALISTHENICS: Scammy Sammy
FIRST ALBUM: Prepare to Die
10. Silent Nightmare
GUITAR: The Lord of Electricity
BASS AND GYNECOLOGY: Samson
FIRST ALBUM: Feel Me Fall
11. The Medieval Ages
GUITAR: St. Moe
BASS AND BODYWORK: Samber Waves of Grain
FIRST ALBUM: That Stupid Pope
12. The Sadly Mistaken
GUITAR: Moe Vittles
BASS AND LANDSCAPING: Sam “Noxious” Fumes
FIRST ALBUM: Kill the Boy Wonder
13. Oxford English
GUITAR: Moe Bilalabama
BASS AND LOLLYGAGGING: Sam “the Cat” Hellerman
FIRST ALBUM: What Part of Suck Don’t You Understand?
14. Some Delicious Sky, aka SDS
TREBLE AND VOCALS: Squealie
THICK BOTTOM AND INDUSTRIAL ARTS: Sambidextrous
FIRST ALBUM: Taste My Juice
15. Arab Charger
GUITAR: me
BASS AND PREVENTIVE DENTISTRY: The Fiend in Human Shape
FIRST ALBUM: Blank Me
16. Occult Blood
GUITAR AND VOX: Mopey Mo
BASS AND TELEOLOGY: Hell-man
PERCUSSION INSTRUMENTS: Todd Panchowski
FIRST ALBUM: Pentagrampa
17. The Mordor Apes
GUITAR: Mithril-hound
BASS AND NECROLOGY: Li’l Sauron
PERCUSSION AND STUPEFACTION: Dim Todd
FIRST ALBUM: Elven Tail
18. The Nancy Wheelers
GUITAR: Pseudo-Moe
BASS AND OUIJA BOARD: Sam Hellerman
FIRST ALBUM: Margaret? It’s God. Please Shut Up.
19. Green Sabbath
GUITAR: Monsignor Eco-druid
BASS AND INDUSTRIAL SABOTAGE: The Grim Recycler
DRUMS, PERCUSSION, ACOUSTIC AND SEMIACOUSTIC DRUMS, CYMBALS, TAMBOURINES, COWBELLS, CHIMES, GONGS, TOMS, SHAKER EGGS, BONGOS, STICK CLICKS, WOOD BLOCKS, PERCUSSION, PERCUSSION AND MORE PERCUSSION: Todd “Percussion” Panchowski
FIRST ALBUM: Our Drummer Is Kind of Full of Himself
20. Balls Deep
GUITAR: Comrade Gal-hammer
BASS AND EMBROIDERY: Our Dear Leader
REAL FANCY AND IMPORTANT PERCUSSION: the Lonely Dissident
FIRST ALBUM: We Control the Horizontal
21. Super Mega Plus
GUITAR/VOX: Moelle
BASS, PREVARICATION, AND PROCURING YOUNG GIRLS UNDER FALSE PRETENSES: Sam Hell
IRREGULAR TIMEKEEPING: Brain-dead Panchowski
FIRST ALBUM: A Woman Knows
22. The Chi-Mos!
GUITAR: the Reverend Chi-Mo
BASS AND BEING AWARE OF HIS OWN MORTALITY: Assistant Principal Chi-Mo
PERCUSSION AND COUNTING TO FOUR: Chi-Mo Panchowski
FIRST ALBUM: Balls Deep
23. The Elephants of Style
GUITAR: Mot Juste
BASS AND ANIMAL HUSBANDRY: Sam Enchanted Evening
FIRST ALBUM: Devil Warship
24. Sentient Beard
GUITAR/VOX: Mot Nosredneh
BASS AND UPHOLSTERY: Samerica the Beautiful
FIRST ALBUM: Off the Charts—Way Off
25. We Have Eaten All the Cake
GUITAR/VOX: Tomcat
BASS AND DOMESTIC HYGIENE: Spam L. Ermine
DRUMS: ShinefieldFIRST ALBUM: Slut Heaven
AC/DC (ACK-dack): the fourth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.
Advanced French (a-VALST flalsh): a form of the French language in which only the present tense is used. Primarily employed for telling time and for describing the activities of this one guy named Jean and this other guy named Claude.
Advanced Placement (ud-VANT-udgd po-LEES-munt): classes that are far easier than regular classes and for which students receive inflated grades. Rumor has it that “work” done in some AP classes can even count as college credit, though it is doubtful that the sort of college that would accept such credit is the sort of college you’d ever want to put on a resume.
anglophile (an-GLOF-eh-lay): someone who is under the mistaken impression that there is something cool or impressive about trying to speak in a fake English accent.
ankh (ANK-ul): the ancient Egyptian symbol of life, often worn as a pendant or tattoo, or emblazoned on drug paraphernalia.
atheism (AUT-iz-im): a religion for people who figure they probably already know everything there is to know about everything.
The Bad Seed (dee BUD sayd): the charming story of a typical American childhood. The second-greatest movie ever made.
Bayeux Tapestry (bay-OOKS tap-ESS-tree): a long strip of material embroidered in the Middle Ages that illustrates the events leading up to the Norman Conquest of England. Starring the Pope, William the Conqueror, a guy named King Cnut [sic], and a lot of guys with swords dressed up as chess pieces.
The Beatles (the RUTT-ulz): four mop-topped lads from Liverpool who set the toes of the world a-tapping. Then they turned into hippies.
be-in (BE-ing): back in the sixties, hippies used to have these, where everybody took drugs and tried to feel important. I think it’s pretty much the same as a “happening.”
bête noire (bait nwah-RAY): “black beast” in nonadvanced French. It’s slightly worse than a pet peeve, though not as bad as a bane, as far as I can tell.
The Bible (the bibble): a big creepy b
ook, the contents of which have influenced and formed the basis for much of the history and culture of Western civilization for thousands and thousands of years. Mention of this book is forbidden in public schools and in progressive right-thinking households, thus ensuring that substantial chunks of history and literature and the culture at large will be virtually incomprehensible to a sizeable minority of the country’s population. Highly prized by religious and other wrong-thinking people for these and other reasons.
The Big Chill (tha BEEG cheel): a nauseating movie about everybody’s parents. If anyone has ever tried to make you dance around to oldies while doing the dishes, you have this movie to thank for it.
bitch (beetch): an uncooperative female. Also, a cooperative female. Additionally, among girls, a rival. Or ally.
Black Sabbath (BLAY-ack suh-BAWTH): pentagrams, inverted crosses, capes, tights, drugs, de-tuned guitars, unlimited recording budgets—what could go wrong? The eighteenth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.
Blue Oyster Cult (blue iced occult): maybe rock and roll music wasn’t meant to be this intellectual and sophisticated, but they’re still the twelfth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.
Boomers (boh-OM-ers): the Most Annoying Generation.
bourgeois pigs (bore-GOYCE pegs): what people in the sixties used to call their parents.
Brighton Rock (BRIG-a-thon rawk): the best book ever written.
bubblegum (BOOB leh-GYOOM): this is, in the end, more or less the Lord’s music.
Jimmy Buffett ( JUM-ee boo-FAY): a weird old hippie dude featuring Hawaiian shirts and terrible music. On special occasions, a boomer dad will sometimes put on a little Jimmy Buffett costume, fix drinks with umbrellas in them, and bring them over to his “old lady,” biting his lower lip and doing this weird, slow-motion dance-walk. If there is a more gruesome scenario on this earth, I cannot think what it might be and do not want to know in any case.
callipygian (CALL-ippy-DJEE-ahn), also callipygous: Describes a woman with large, shapely, or otherwise lovely, remarkable, or impressive buttocks. By way of the Greeks, those ancient, horny, clever bastards. The day I learned there was a word for this was the day I regained my interest in living and faith in humanity.
Carrie (CARE-ree-AY): normal students stage an elaborate Make-Out/Fake-Out on a shy, freaky girl, joke-electing her prom queen and then dumping a bucket of pig blood on her head. She turns out to have special powers and destroys them all. All proms should turn out like that. The fourth-greatest movie of all time.
The Catcher in the Rye (KAT-sha-rin R’lyeh): don’t fight it. Relax. Clear your mind and let the magic take hold of you. You’re floating, floating on air. Take the book. Go on, take it. You know you want to. That’s it. Nice and slow. Isn’t it so much easier this way? One of us, one of us, one of us…
Cocksparrer (HOT-spur): working-class English punk band who could have been the Sex Pistols if they had played their cards right. But they didn’t.
cock tease (kok TAYCE): an attractive female whose behavior is erratic, unpredictable, or otherwise unsatisfactory.
collage (koe-LODGE-ay): a piece of paper with things cut out from magazines glued on it in an attractive or arresting pattern. Has replaced the expository essay as the preferred means for assessing a student’s academic progress in American public schools.
concupiscent (con-koo-PISK-unt): wide open and up for anything.
D and D (DAN-dee): a role-playing game played only by very cool guys.
dilettante (dial-TAN-tay): one who can never stick with anything for more than a couple of minutes. An unjustly maligned lifestyle.
The Doors (duh DERZ): there is an extremely well-organized conspiracy among boomers to cultivate the fiction that this band doesn’t totally suck. The worst thing in the history of the universe.
Dr. Dee (der DAY): Queen Elizabeth I’s astrologer. He put a hex on the Spanish Armada, saving England and ensuring that, four hundred years later, the Beatles would end up singing in English rather than Spanish. He was also given a weird code by angelic beings he saw in a crystal, and probably needed medication that hadn’t been invented yet.
Dr. Who (dra-WOO): a more sophisticated, English version of Star Trek.
Bob Dylan (BAY-bee ZIM-er-mn): there was a time in my life when I fervently wanted to be Bob Dylan. Then I realized that practically everybody else in the world wanted to be Bob Dylan, too, and that if we all got our wish, being Bob Dylan would be so common that it would be completely meaningless to be Bob Dylan, even for the actual, original Bob Dylan, and the world would essentially end up exactly the same as it was before. The alpha Bob Dylans would beat up the less alpha Bob Dylans, the female Bob Dylans would confuse the hell out of the male Bob Dylans, the teacher Bob Dylans would make the student Bob Dylans read The Catcher in the Rye, the parent Bob Dylans would call continual inane family discussions with the kid Bob Dylans, and the sadistic, psychotic structure of the universe would be more or less preserved. Nature is a bitch.
epigraph (a-PIG-rape): an obscure quotation at the beginning of a book designed to make the author of the book seem smarter and more well-read than its readers. An epigraph that doesn’t make the reader feel confused, small, worthless, and stupid is an epigraph that has failed. Therefore, the best epigraphs have no discernible relationship to the contents of the books they adorn.
epilogue (EPP-ul-oh-gay): just when you think the book is over, there are suddenly like twenty more pages to go, because some writers just don’t know when to stop. Don’t read epilogues: it will only encourage them.
epitaph (epp-EE-toff ): an obscure quotation on a tombstone, designed to make the dead guy’s life seem less pointless.
Europe (YOUR-ip): we beat these guys in World War II.
Foghat (foe-GAT): the fifth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.
Funkadelic (FUN-kee-assgroove-a-TELL-ick-ness): the funkiest band in the world, unless you count the Isley Brothers.
genuflect (g-NU-fuh-lect): sometimes, the church only requires one half of a person’s body to be kneeling.
gifted and talented (gif-TED and tal-on-TED): gifted and talented students are those who have figured out that if you make a little effort to leave the right impression, very little will be expected of you in the end.
Gilligan’s Island (GILL-gan SIS-land): a television show, certain episodes of which contain the secret to the meaning of existence, concealed by means of coded messages and obscure symbolism.
Che Guevara (chee goo-ey-VAH-ra): a Latin American revolutionary famous for his sexiness and hip T-shirts. A cross between Elvis and Charles Manson. An inexplicably adored Holden Caulfield for the political-minded.
George Harrison (GORE-jer-us ISS-un): guitar player and Siddhartha-type. The hairiest of all the Beatles.
hemisemidemiquaver (HEE-mee-SUM-thin-ore-UDD-er): a sixty-fourth note. Many guitar players believe the object of the game is to play as many of these as possible, leaving as few spaces as they can for the entire song. It’s a test of endurance.
Hitler (HIL-ter): a thoroughly evil totalitarian mass murderer from Germany. Seriously, you can’t get more evil than him. Admirers of other totalitarian mass murderers take comfort in the notion that at least their guy’s evilness doesn’t meet this standard; plus they point out that in their guy’s dictatorship everyone who is not murdered gets free health care and education.
Humanities (hum-in-AN-uh-teez): the study of random things, characterized by self-admiration and extremely easy assignments.
homoeroticism (home-AY-oh-RAW-tick-iz-um): dudes being turned on by dudes, or dudes ridiculing other dudes by behaving as they believe dudes who really are turned on by dudes behave with respect to those dudes they are turned on by, under the impression that this is hilarious or otherwise worthwhile. As irritating as this is for dudes who in fact are not turned on by dudes, it must be even worse for those who are.
horological (whore-a-lodge-ICK-el): related to clocks or time.
Invasion of the Body Sn
atchers (in-WAY-shun off THE BUD-ee SNITCH-ehz): no one has yet come up with a better hypothesis for why our society is the way it is. The third-greatest movie ever made.
The Jam (the JIM): fake-mod dolphins from around the eleventh century. Breaks the ice at parties. The twenty-third-greatest rock and roll band of all time.
Joan Jett (John JET-ah): guitar player for the Runaways, the fourteenth-greatest rock and roll band of all time.
Johnny Thunders (joe NEETH-un-derz): the name of a Kinks song, and the guitar player for the New York Dolls.
The Kinks (thee KEEN-uck-ess): the third-greatest rock and roll band of all time.
KISS (nites in SERV-iss uv SAY-tan): considering the fact that KISS is four middle-aged guys in mime makeup, it’s extremely impressive that they somehow managed to swing becoming the eleventh-greatest rock and roll band of all time.
Timothy Leary (tee-MOTH-ee lee-AHR-ay): famous college professor turned drug fiend from the sixties.
Led Zeppelin (leads a-PEEL-in): hey, gang! Let’s all get stoned and head down to the Mississippi Delta and watch four goofy-ass English guys in wizards’ hats and girls’ blouses play “the blues” and teach us everything there is to know about elfin princesses; gossamer wings; the tooth fairy; the land of Winken, Blinken, and Nod; the wise and dark and mystic pilgrim brooding in the mist; and Puff the Magic Dragon. Come on, it’ll be magical.
Lemmy (let-me): “singer” of Motorhead.
libidinous (LI-bid-IGH-ness): one of the many fancy-pants ways to say “horny.”
magnanimous (MAG-na-MIN-ee-us): if you are generous and kind of full of yourself, this word is for you.
Make-out/Fake-out (MACK-it FACK-it): a public humiliation technique that owes its power to the reliably universal desire to possess what one is not allowed to touch. Analogous to the game called keep-away, the object of which is to take possession of a ball that is held just beyond one’s grasp, or tantalizingly offered only to be tossed to another player at the last moment.
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