by Beth Wiseman
He truly was her best friend, and while she knew friends had the capacity to hurt one another, there was something safe about her relationship with Eli. And every time she fantasized about something more than friendship with him, she forced the idea away because she realized that God was answering her prayers—in His way.
“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.”
Katie Ann asked God to forgive her for doubting Him and for the distance she’d put between them. She sought to trust again, and the Lord had opened a new door. It might not have been what she expected, but her friendship with Eli was proving to be a gift from God.
WHEN ELI SHOWED up on her doorstep two days before Christmas, Katie Ann jumped into his arms without hesitation.
“What are you doing here?” She pulled from the embrace and coaxed him inside and out of the icy weather. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”
Eli’s smile stretched across his handsome face. “Because I just decided to come this morning—I flew! Besides, it was worth it to see you so surprised.”
Katie Ann laughed aloud. “I can’t believe you did this.”
She’d already mailed him a hand-stitched black vest for Christmas, which he had received and told her fit perfectly.
He’d sent her a parenting book that focused on the toddler years, later laughing and telling her to be prepared—that it was a wonderful time but could be challenging. And he’d sent a Bible storybook for Jonas.
Eli moved across the living room to where Jonas was tucked into his swing and sleeping soundly. “I had one of those swings for Maureen. She loved it.” He gazed down at Jonas, then back at Katie Ann. “I have to go back tomorrow. Mei kinner would be mighty upset if I wasn’t there for Christmas. But I just had to see you.” He pulled her into a hug and kissed her on the cheek. Katie Ann made no effort to leave the safety of his strong arms.
Finally he eased away and gazed into her eyes. “You look beautiful.”
She covered her eyes with her hands. “I do not.”
Eli gently pulled her hands away. “Trust me, you do.”
Trust. Not so long ago, the word would have stung, been a reminder of all she’d lost.
As their eyes stayed locked together, Katie Ann wished she knew what was going on in Eli’s mind and in his heart. They’d gotten so close that under normal circumstances, it would have seemed normal for them to take the next step past friendship. But they both knew that they were not going to make that leap.
“Do Vera and Elam know you’re here?” Katie Ann walked to Jonas’s swing and cranked the handle so that the swing would keep going.
“They do now. I asked the cabdriver to stop by there on my way here.” He laughed. “I had to make sure I had a place to stay tonight.”
By now everyone knew that the two of them talked on a regular basis. But Katie Ann wondered what Vera must be thinking about Eli’s spontaneous trip to Canaan—by plane, no less.
Eli gently eased Jonas out of the swing. Katie Ann would have reprimanded anyone else for waking him up like that, but as Eli held Jonas up and gazed into his eyes, it was a precious sight that she knew she would cherish.
“How is mei little man?” Eli talked in the familiar baby talk to Jonas, and Katie Ann knew that Eli’s arrival was by far the best Christmas gift she’d ever received.
They sat on the couch talking and drinking hot tea until the early morning hours, then Eli kissed her tenderly on the mouth and went to Vera’s, telling her that he would be leaving early in the morning to catch a plane back to Middlefield. Katie Ann still couldn’t believe he’d made the trip. Just to see her.
He’d even sought permission from his bishop to do so, since air travel was normally frowned upon unless it was an emergency.
“It was an emergency,” Eli had told her earlier in the evening. Although he admitted that the bishop in his district didn’t have a stiff rule against flying.
She held her tears until the door closed behind him. And for the first time, she admitted to herself—she was in love with Eli Detweiler. In love with a man who wasn’t available.
ELI HAD PLENTY of time to think on the plane. He thought back to yesterday morning when he realized he had to see Katie Ann. It was an unfamiliar sensation that he knew wouldn’t go away until he laid eyes on her. He admitted to himself at that moment that he had fallen in love with Katie Ann Stoltzfus.
And now that he’d spent more time with her, his feelings were confirmed.
He closed his eyes, the vision of her clouding his senses, blocking the roar of the engine and the light chatter around him. His heart ached, and for a few minutes he allowed himself to visualize a life with Katie Ann and Jonas. He was happiest when he was with her. But he’d made plans. And he’d had those plans a lot longer than he’d known her.
Fearing he’d taken too much of a risk with his heart—and possibly hers—he wondered if it might not be best to pull back some. She had to know they were in a dangerous place, to be as close as they were and not be able to move forward. Or maybe she was happy like this. Eli had thought it was the perfect arrangement. Best friends with a beautiful woman whom he was not responsible for.
Funny thing was—he felt as responsible for her and Jonas as he did any other member of his family.
He unzipped the backpack he’d carried onto the plane and pulled out a brochure about Florida, resolved that he would go there right after Christmas. He was going to need something to distract his heart, and what better way than to pursue the life he’d planned out. Flipping through the pages, he forced Katie Ann out of his mind.
Fourteen
CHRISTMAS CAME AND WENT, AND AMID THE FESTIVITIES Katie Ann missed Eli more than ever. It was a blessing to be able to share her first Christmas with Jonas, but she found herself quietly weeping at times. Sometimes because she missed Eli, and other times . . . because she still missed Ivan. Not so much the man as the memories from their early years. But every time her thoughts drifted to Ivan, they quickly shifted back to Eli, and it was Eli she wished were there to witness all Jonas’s firsts. At four months Jonas was making a new sound, a gurgle when he smiled, and Katie Ann thought it was the cutest thing she’d ever seen. Eli would love it.
Lucy had written to say that she’d given birth to a boy and named him Benjamin. He was born very tiny, but healthy. Katie Ann found it strange that Lucy would write to her at all, until she got to the end of the letter—the part where Lucy asked if she’d heard anything about the house she thought Ivan had built or bought. Katie Ann didn’t write her back.
Eli still called her, but Katie Ann could feel him pulling back on the friendship. Perhaps he had sensed that Katie Ann cared about him more than just as a friend. Or maybe she just shouldn’t have trusted her heart to any man. But each time that notion reared, she’d remember how she and Eli had defined the terms of their relationship early on. So was it really rational to blame him because she allowed herself to get too close?
Either way, Eli was in Florida. He’d left a week after Christmas, with plans to stay until he felt like going home. In the past two weeks, she’d only heard from him twice. In fairness, Katie Ann had his cell phone number, and she could have called him. During his first call, he’d described the beach to her and said that he wished he would have come during the summer, but how the temperatures were still much milder than in Ohio this time of year. He’d read three books, done some sightseeing, and eaten at some fine restaurants.
Katie Ann told him how her inventory of homemade items was growing and how she’d talked to several shops in Monte Vista about taking her things on consignment.
And Eli always asked about Jonas. And if Katie Ann needed anything.
She needed him. But she always said that she and Jonas were fine.
Tonight she was waiting for Martha to arrive for their Saturday night meal together. Arnold wouldn’t be moving back to Canaan for another week. Martha promised Katie Ann that nothing would ch
ange, but Katie Ann knew some things would change, as they should. She hoped that Martha and Arnold would get married. But every time she mentioned it to Martha, her friend changed the subject.
“I’m so tired of this cold weather.” Martha walked into the living room, handed a pan of chicken lasagna to Katie Ann, and peeled off her coat, hat, and gloves. After taking a deep breath, she hung her purse on the rack by the door and said, “Now, where’s my baby?”
Katie Ann nodded toward Jonas’s room. “He’s already asleep, but go peek in on him if you’d like.”
Martha rounded the corner, and Katie Ann could hear her talking softly. A few minutes later she came into the kitchen where Katie Ann was setting the table. She plopped down in a kitchen chair. “You know, I think I might be losing my mind.”
Katie Ann grinned. “Why is that?”
“I’m forgetful.” She scratched her head. “I mean, I’m forgetting where I put things.”
Katie Ann put two glasses on the table and filled them with tea. “That doesn’t mean you’re losing your mind.”
Martha grunted. “Well, it sure feels like it.” She leaned back in her chair and pointed to the chicken lasagna. “I was sure I bought a loaf of garlic bread to go with that lasagna, but I can’t find it anywhere.”
“No worries.” Katie Ann put a loaf of her own homemade bread on the table. “I always have plenty of bread.”
“That’s not the point.” She looked down at her hands. “I’ve also misplaced my jasmine vanilla lotion that I like so much.”
Katie Ann took a seat across from Martha, and they both bowed their heads in silent prayer. Afterward, Martha scooped a large portion of lasagna onto her plate while Katie Ann helped herself to a piece of butter bread.
“I forget where I put things too.” Katie Ann spread some rhubarb jam on her bread. “Especially my reading glasses.”
Martha just shook her head as she chewed her food.
“Are you excited about Arnold moving into a house so close to yours?”
“Well, I’d be more excited if I could remember which day he was coming.” She lifted her hands in the air. “See what I mean? He told me, but I can’t remember. Something as important as that, and I can’t remember if it’s next Thursday or Friday.” She took another bite and shook her head again.
“Just ask him again.”
Martha twisted her mouth into a frown. “You haven’t mentioned much about Eli lately. The two of you still writing letters?”
Katie Ann shrugged. They’d quit writing letters after Eli gave her the phone. “We talk on the phone, but he’s in Florida right now.”
Martha tapped her fork to the plate. “I just don’t know what to think about the two of you.”
“There’s nothing to think about. I’ve told you over and over again . . . we’re just friends.”
“That man ever kissed you?” Martha glared at Katie Ann.
“Martha! That is not an appropriate question to ask.” She avoided Martha’s cool stare and focused on her plate.
“Well, you didn’t deny it, so I’m assuming he has.”
Katie Ann looked up to see Martha grinning. Katie Ann couldn’t help grinning back.
“See, you’re smiling. You’ve done some smooching, huh?”
Katie Ann stood up from the table and carried her plate to the sink. “I’m not discussing this with you.”
Not only was it inappropriate to discuss such a thing with Martha, but Katie Ann had been training her mind not to think about those kisses with Eli. It was easier that way. Just then her cell phone rang on the kitchen counter. Katie Ann ignored it.
“Aren’t you going to get that?”
Katie Ann started to run hot water in the kitchen sink, and although adrenaline shot through her body, she just shrugged.
“No. I’m spending time with you.”
Martha cackled. “Don’t you dare let me interfere with your love life.”
Katie Ann began to clear the dishes from the table. “I don’t have a love life.” She bit her bottom lip as she walked back to the sink. The phone rang again.
“Well, that’s your fault.”
Katie Ann spun around in time to see Martha raise her chin, so Katie Ann shot her a twisted smile. “Really? My fault?”
“Yep. That Eli would be a great catch, but you’re afraid to let yourself be happy.”
Martha huffed, and Katie Ann wanted to tell Martha she didn’t know what she was talking about, but she was pretty sure she couldn’t do that without crying. She kept her head down as she washed the dishes, hoping Martha would be quiet about it. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her friend get up and put the jams in the refrigerator.
“Don’t you think our little Jonas needs a father? And what about you? You can’t tell me you wouldn’t like to have a man to help you out around here.”
Katie Ann stayed quiet as Martha shuffled around the kitchen, clearing other items from the table.
“And if you’re still mourning that husband of yours—”
“I’m not,” Katie Ann interrupted as she slammed a rinsed dish into the drain rack.
“I’m just sayin’ that you should give Eli a chance. That’s all.” Martha walked up beside her and started to dry the dishes.
Katie Ann kept her head down as she chewed on her bottom lip. Please let it go, Martha.
“And one more thing . . .” Martha placed a dried dish in the cabinet as Katie Ann braced herself. “Don’t you let what that husband of yours did keep you from loving again, because—”
“Martha, stop it! I love Eli. I love him so much it hurts.” Katie Ann covered her face with her hands as she cried.
A moment later Martha was rubbing her back, and they were both quiet for a while. Then Martha spoke softly. “Honey, why didn’t you tell me this?”
Katie Ann turned to Martha, then fell into her arms and sobbed, letting go of all the emotion she had built up where Eli was concerned. “Because I can’t have him . . .”
ELI HIT END on the cell phone as he walked to the balcony of his fancy hotel, feeling a bit guilty about the luxury he’d allowed himself for this trip. As much as he’d looked forward to some time alone, the sightseeing, and a new place—it just wasn’t all he’d imagined. He’d spent his life working the land, raising kinner, and always having someone to take care of. Had he thought of those things as burdens at the time?
He stared out at the ocean as the cool wind threatened to pull his hat off, and he thought about his life. When had he been the happiest? Not a full second passed before he knew. When he was working the land, raising kinner, and having someone to take care of. As he contemplated why he’d looked forward to this time in his life, he supposed it was because these things seemed appealing at a time when they were not within reach. Now he could do anything he wanted. And all he wanted to do was go home.
Three hours later he was on a plane back to Middlefield, with more time to think. The bishop had agreed to Eli’s request to fly to Florida and back, just as he had agreed to let him go see Katie Ann. But now Eli wondered if he was abusing the bishop’s leniency.
As the plane prepared to take off, his thoughts drifted to Katie Ann. He’d tried again to call her from the airport, but she hadn’t answered. Maybe she wasn’t home or near the phone.
Or maybe she didn’t want to talk to him. He hadn’t called her much the past couple of weeks, and their conversations were shorter these days.
Eli had wondered if—even hoped that—distance and time would help him stop thinking about her so much. Maybe once he got home and things returned to normal, he would.
He couldn’t help but wonder if his children were right—that it just wasn’t normal for an Amish man to travel and shirk responsibility. But even when he considered a new path, one that possibly included Katie Ann, he knew he could never leave his family in Middlefield. He had never been more than a few miles from his children until recently.
He leaned his head back against the seat, closed his eye
s, and tried to sleep, but Katie Ann’s face was all he could see. She was her most beautiful when she was tending to Jonas, but she was a nurturing person by nature. The tender way she handled Eli, both in conversation and in touch, calmed his mind and soothed his soul. As was his duty, he’d provided for his family, but he’d also been caregiver for the children for many years after
Sarah died. A man should be strong and capable at all times, but with Katie Ann, he felt like he could let his guard down a little. And in return, he wanted to take care of her in every way.
Eli knew he couldn’t leave his family. And it wasn’t right to ask Katie Ann to leave the life she’d built in Canaan. And what about his plans to travel? What about loyalty to Sarah? His thoughts spiraled as they so often did recently. He just didn’t see how it could work with Katie Ann.
But he wasn’t sure he would ever stop thinking about her.
KATIE ANN HELD Jonas in her arms until long after he was asleep, enjoying the comfort of the one constant in her life. Her baby boy, who filled her with a love more profound than anything she’d ever known. Even when she’d heard the cell phone ringing for the second time today, she’d just sat holding Jonas, hoping the noise wouldn’t wake him. Of course it was Eli. But her heart was hurting, and she wanted to blame him for that. Rationally, it wasn’t fair, but over the past couple of months, she’d grown to love him in a way that was confusing.
It was late when she finally put Jonas in his bed, and after a hot bath she crawled into her bed, snuffing out the lantern before she tucked herself in. Loneliness settled in, the way it always did this time of night. She regretted that she’d let her emotions get the best of her in front of Martha, but it had felt good to just cry in her arms. Now she didn’t feel like she had any tears left, nor did she feel like she could sleep. It was probably fifteen minutes later when she heard the phone ringing on the kitchen counter. Twice she’d ignored Eli’s calls, and for him to be calling this late at night now made her wonder if there was an emergency. She leaped from bed and stumbled in the dark to the kitchen. A haze of moonlight lit the kitchen enough for her to locate the phone, but it wasn’t ringing anymore. She carried the phone back to the bedroom with her, crawled into bed, and kept it in her hand as she wondered whether or not she should call him back. After a few minutes, she dialed his number.