by Ana Simons
“It’s a lot of fun. And we also meet a lot of girls there. Milo likes to make friends with them!”
“I see…” Olivia throws me a sideways glance and I immediately stand, leaving Emma to draw by herself.
“He doesn’t know what he’s saying. Go, get your sister and sit at the table. Now.” I lift him off the chair.
“What? What have I said?”
“Nothing, just go,” I repeat, shaking the strainer over the sink, dumping the pasta into a large bowl. I don’t even dare to look at her.
But then she comes closer, with a naughty smile playing on her lips and a bottle of olive oil in her hand. “So, you’ve been teaching Josh one of the hundred proven ways and places to pick up girls?” When she finishes drizzling oil on top of the pasta, she gives me a teasing tap on my butt. “Please, serve the kids. Going to the room to get me a sweater; it’s a bit chilly in here, isn’t it?”
“Can I put the parmesan cheese, Olivia?” Josh asks, licking the sauce straight from the bowl on the table.
“Sure. I’ll be back in a second.”
“Josh, take your fingers out of the food. Where are your manners?”
“Hey, look at Emma! Nobody ever tells her anything!” He pouts.
Emma has just shoved a handful of spaghetti into her mouth. Or up her nose. Hard to tell.
I nudge him with my elbow. “Come on, mate, you have to help me impress this girl here. I like her a lot, you know?”
He winks back, apparently excited about the idea.
“BRIAN?” Olivia calls me from the bedroom. “Your mobile is buzzing on the nightstand.”
“That’s probably my sister, checking on the kids. Mind taking a look?”
“Wait... No, it’s someone called Josephine. Want me to take it?”
Christ, no.
“No! That’s… from work. But I don’t want to be bothered now. I’ll call her back later. And hurry up, this is getting cold,” I mouth without really thinking about what I’m saying, about the consequences. I immediately regret it.
Moron, you’ve just lied to her.
But it’s a gentle lie, isn’t it?
A lie is a lie. She’ll find out and you’re screwed.
Shit, I know…
She joins us again, with the same warm smile on her face, that radiant light I’ve been longing for so long.
I look at her and feel a searing remorse. The last thing I want to do is to hurt her. Or lose her. The sheer thought of it churns my stomach and this uneasy feeling that something bad is about to happen leaves me beyond restless...
26 Can I kiss you?
“So, it’s true, you really snapped back together! That’s brilliant, man!” Jimmy says giving me a back-smacking hug. “Now, you little shit, don’t go breaking her heart because I’ll have to break your legs!”
I frown at him. “I’m serious, mate. I’d never–”
“You two are fucking hilarious!” Mark, my brother-in-law, cracks a loud laugh. “Just wait until they start busting your balls over stuff you don’t even know about. Then come to me again and we can continue this little chat,” he advises, as he drops another half dozen burgers on the grill.
“JOSH MCREARY! I saw that and I don’t want to see it again. MARK, look at your son!” Sue shouts hysterically, holding one of the twins on her hip while pushing Emma on the swing.
The weather’s lightened up a bit and the kids are outside too, playing football in the back garden. We all turn our heads towards Josh and through the corner of my eye I catch him showing the middle finger to some other kid.
Mark rolls his eyes and breathes out an exasperated sigh. “See? That’s what I have to put up with: some batshit crazy hormones or whatever got into her today! Only God knows.”
“What the hell happened, mate?” I ask.
“You ask me? Someone gave her a free pass to freak out today or something! All I know is she woke up this morning and decided it was a great day to play the drama queen part and drive me bonkers, that’s what happened. She’s been whining, pestering and nagging everyone for every reason and for no reason at all. So, here it is, your future. Contemplate it now, you bunch of morons!” He clinks his beer to ours and takes a sip.
“Bugger off! I bet you even started some nasty fight thinking about the amazing make-up sex you’ll be having tonight,” Jimmy says, shoving a hand into his pocket with a mocking grin on his face.
Yeah, it’s hilarious indeed. Everyone knows they can’t stay pissed off at each other more than one day.
Mark keeps quiet for a little while, flipping the burgers in a fury and sipping his beer. “Oh, sod it! Remember Beth, that girlfriend I had like a hundred years ago? We met her today, at the supermarket. By the way, she still looks hot as hell... Anyway, I was just trying to be polite and said ‘Hi, there. How are you? Nice to see you’ and that was it. The bloody thing led to a teensy little argument in the car and then to near Armageddon when we got home. ‘Why do you have to be friends if you don’t have feelings for her anymore?’ she kept asking. No joke. Friends? For goodness sake, we’re not friends! And even if we were, why do women have to complicate what’s not complicated at all?”
Okay, he needs to vent now. Jimmy was just telling us about their honeymoon, the great places they’d visited and the cool stuff they did together, how fantastic it is to be married. But Mark is apparently way over that phase now. Then again, ten years, four kids and twenty pounds later it should be expected, I suppose.
“They say it is, but it’s not: ignorance is not bliss! So I might as well tell you the truth: I’m sorry, but you’re all setting yourselves up for disaster! Just wait until they start to throw your stuff away. And whining because your mother doesn’t like them. And turning into miss bossy pants and annoy the hell out of you. And try to change you and make you watch a bunch of schmaltzy, tear-jerking films or, even worse, drag you to look for table-fucking-cloths,” he blurts out, finishes his beer and then turns to point the barbeque fork right under my nose. “And you, my little twerp, wait until she begins to ask you for your official score sheet! Oh no, I wouldn’t want to be in your fucking shoes, the hell I would!”
“It’s not as long as you think...” I shove a hand through my hair, feeling a bit nervous.
I don’t know if it’s the idea itself or the menacing glare he throws at me or the daunting tone he puts into his words, the truth is that the whole thing is actually a bit frightening.
I instinctively seek for Olivia through the living room large window, in fear his prophecy could somehow come true.
That incident this morning, with Jo, is still hovering over my head like a gathering storm threatening to sweep down and wreck everything in its path. I’m planning to talk to her about it tonight, when things get quieter. Hey, how often do people get second chances? Not often, I think. So, hell no, I’m not going to screw things up.
A hard tap on my back brings me back from my thoughts. It’s Mark again.
“Hey, love is a motherfucker, but what can we do? It’s not going to be easy and breezy all the time, so chill out. Never forget that patience is the magic word. Now go and get me another beer, will you?”
He hasn’t yet finished talking when my phone begins to ring in my jacket pocket. My heart starts to thrash against my chest with the thought it’s her again, Jo. Damn it, what the hell could she possibly want now? Wasn’t I clear enough the last time we talked?
I reluctantly fish it out with that uneasy suspicion I’m getting into some unasked-for shitty situation—one that must end immediately, I tell myself bravely. I’m determined to answer this time and dismiss her.
My worst suspicions don’t come true, though. It’s just Olivia.
I raise my head and find her by the window smiling warmly at me, holding one of the twins, her chest against Olivia’s and the little head resting on her shoulder, sleeping. This picture is powerful, it really rocks me to the core.
And then the fear of losing her hits me again, as the realisation
dawns on me that we indeed have this connection that you can’t see, one that lingers between the two of us in a way that goes beyond explaining. It’s something that goes well beyond the superficial and deepens into something way more meaningful. It’s something I want so badly, that the sheer thought it could slip through my fingers again makes me feel sick.
“Hey, handsome. How’re you doing?” She speaks very softly.
“Fine. You?”
“Marianne has just fallen asleep. Want to help me put her to bed?”
“Sure. I’ll be right up.”
*
“You know what I was just thinking about?” Olivia murmurs, as she snuggles her back against me.
We’re in the twins’ room, she’s sitting between my legs, on the floor, in the middle of a bunch of pink cushions and toys, looking at Marianne, who’s quietly sleeping in her bed.
I wrap my arms around her even tighter and jerk my chin to the magazine my sister must have forgotten next to the rocking chair. “That you can’t forget to take this back to our place?” It’s an issue of Cosmopolitan, on the cover the title of some article about the best sex positions. “And then you’ll tell me something like ‘why don’t you look inside and note down everything you want us to try?’”
I can’t see her face, but I’m pretty sure she has just rolled her eyes.
Knowing that she knows I’m kidding, I kiss her on the cheek. “What then?”
“The very first time we kissed. Do you still remember that?”
“I sure do. It was perfect.”
She chuckles. “It was. Then again, I had spent about 10,000 hours researching the topic, what could possibly go wrong?”
Christmas that year ended up becoming something really special, it sure did. The Burke brothers spent the season in Surrey, in a cottage Jimmy’s father owns there, and my family paid them a visit on the 25th. Turns out that in the end we also stayed for the rest of the holidays, my sister and I.
After some inner struggle, I convinced myself I wasn’t going to wait any longer, I was going to tell her—that she was different from the other girls, that I cared for her.
I’d wanted to tell her long before that, but courage had always abandoned me. I was pretty sure she’d laugh in my face.
How do you tell someone who you’ve known for your entire life that, all of sudden, there are butterflies fluttering in your stomach, that the world looks greater when she’s around, that you can’t do anything to control the stupid grin on your face each time you see her?
And so it happened one evening when we went out to walk the dog, a white schnauzer they had that was certifiably crazy and as stubborn as a mule. As soon as we reached the fields and the snow continued to get deeper and deeper, the goddamned dog became so uncontrollably excited that he went ballistic and began to run amok. Every time we cried his name, he only stopped to look back and bark some ‘you can kiss my white furry arse!’ and then moved on. So we lost him.
It was already dark and Olivia was crying her eyes out, when we finally found the devil’s creature again, all mucky and soaking wet. She was so happy and relieved that she jumped straight into my arms.
I pulled back, wiped a lost tear, and finally asked if I could kiss her with my most confident attitude. But I was scared shitless, that’s the truth.
‘I thought you’d never ask,’ eventually she sighed against my mouth.
And I kissed her. Softly. Just like I’d seen in the films.
“And I think you liked it. A lot. Didn’t you?” I tickle her a little after we’ve both taken this trip down memory lane.
“I did. And here we are again, almost fourteen years later. This is all so crazy...”
Falling in love is indeed a crazy, funny and sometimes scary thing that always comes in so many hues and ways, we never know. And falling back in love is probably even crazier and more confusing than that. I don’t know, I like to think it’s the confirmation that we were right before, that the heart didn’t give us the wrong instructions in the past. It was just some unrequested thing that came in between, making us drift apart for a while, not because you stopped caring, but because life is like that, it crashes over you and then sweeps you forward.
“Now that we talk about it, we could actually return there. How about this Christmas?” I suggest.
She throws me a quick gentle smile.
I know well what she’s thinking. That I’m not making plans only for the next weekend, but including her in my future—and that’s why I have to come clean with her and undo that stupid slip I had this morning.
“Listen, Liv, there’s something I really need to tell you...”
“Me too,” she turns swiftly and sits in front of me, with legs crossed, her hands holding mine. “I already wanted to ask you this earlier today, but you found a way to distract us, so now you let me go first!”
“Okay.”
“Well, I had already thought about it before, way before we got back together. But now I do have another reason to really consider this...”
“Yes?”
“Well, you know, working with Filipe in the same hospital has never been easy, but now it’s become the definition of a nightmare. He always finds a way to drive me out of my mind. Especially, since that day you told him we were dating… That was actually kind of funny, I mean, to find out about it that way, myself included!” She lets out a snort of laughter and a squeaky little mewling cry rises from the bed.
“So?” Anticipating what she’s about to say, I can barely hold back the smile forming on my face. There’s a wave of happiness about to sweep right through me.
“So,” she whispers, her eyes checking on the baby. “I was thinking about moving here. I’d have to check with HR first, I probably can’t leave immediately, but that also gives me the time to look for something else. I’ve done some research already and there are quite a few interesting vacancies nearby and–”
I hold her head in my hands. “Can I kiss you?”
The smile crossing her face is reflected in her eyes. It’s happiness I find in them.
I leave a gentle kiss on her lips. “Love you.”
“I’m going to live with my grandmother for a while, until I get my own place and… then we see what happens.”
You’re going to live where?
“We should take it slow, Brian.” She strokes my hair, noticing the disappointment I didn’t verbalise. “We still have some holes to patch, and besides, as much as we want to think we’re the same, we’re not. People are always changing; we both grew and changed a lot in all these years and–”
“You’re right.” I know she is. “But I can tell you already that you haven’t lost any of your finest attributes: your kindness, your sense of humour, your gentle smile and…” I pause for a moment, with a crooked smile playing at the corners of my lips, and she raises her eyebrows and smiles too, knowing already it’s going to derail into some playful banter. “And your nice butt!”
She rolls her eyes playfully.
“Now come here.” I pull her into my arms. “I’m so happy to have you back in my life, that’s all that really matters to me now. And that’s also why I need to tell you something.”
“Yes?”
“Oh, here you are!” My sister storms into the room. “I’ve been looking all over for you! Come, move your fine arses! We’re serving the cake.”
27 Challenges ahead
Yes, I’ve had some pretty miserable days before, but nothing compares to the gaping hole that has just been opened in my chest this afternoon. In a span of—how long? Ten, fifteen devastating minutes?—the whole world just came crashing down, making this the absolute worst day of my life.
I look up and my body tenses. The reflected image I find in the mirror as I unbutton my shirt is one of a lost boy. You can see it in his empty eyes, in the sad expression of muted pain spread over his face.
Olivia helps me strip off my shirt and I feel the warmth from her face against my back. But neither of us
says anything. We don’t need to. Silence always has this ability to convey what no words could possibly say.
In an almost mechanical motion, I step into the shower and let the hot water cascade over me. For a long time. I don’t know how long, I’ve lost track of it.
For a moment I even let myself be taken by the illusion this is nothing but a bad dream, from which I desperately want to awaken. Except that I know it is not, and the hard realisation of it is absolutely frightening and overwhelming.
It’s wrecking me, ripping me apart from the inside. And then, at last, the wave of emotion that I have been trying to keep under control since we left my sister’s house, this evening, explodes in my chest and I break down.
And I cry, I cry like I have never cried in my entire life.
I tilt my head up, letting the water run over my head and down my face to wash the tears and ease the pain away. And I draw a deep breath, hoping the steam that fills the air enters my lungs and cleanses my mind.
Finally.
It seems it’s calming me down, I can feel all my muscles relaxing. And this feeling of utter desperation seems to be slowly subsiding as some inner strength coming somewhere from deep inside reassures me that I’ll get through this.
Exactly as I was asked.
As this shy sense of alleviation settles in, I lean against the wall for support and let it play all over again in my head. They say it’s cathartic, that it relieves emotions and helps you exorcise some of the pain, that it’s like that small portion of poison you inoculate to make you stronger and resilient to the bigger threat when it arrives. Hopefully, they’re right and I’ll be strong enough to face the challenges ahead of me…
*
“Daaaddy! Josh stole my cockporn!” Emma wailed, her piercing cry emerging from the lively chatter and laughter in the background like a blow straight into our ears.
Half of the room looked at her and laughed, the other half looked at Josh, who was already on the run, teasing her, sticking his tongue out, clearly amused at the scene.