It's Wrong for Me to Love You

by Krystal Armstead

  Aaron finally looked up at me. “Does it really matter, Charlie?”

  I pushed him in his chest. “Yes, it fuckin’ matters! I want to know why the only man who I have ever loved isn’t in love with me anymore! There has got to be someone else! You don’t kiss me, you don’t hold me, and you won’t fuck me! I have to basically get you drunk or act like I’m one of those got-damn strippers to get you to touch me!” I pushed him again. “Fine. If you wanna be free, just go! I can take care of this baby all by my damn self!”

  Aaron looked at me, catching my arms and stopping me from pounding on his chest. “What did you just say?”

  I looked up at him, tears sliding down my cheeks. The words had just exploded out of my mouth. I wasn’t even thinking. I sure as hell didn’t plan to tell him until I couldn’t hide the pregnancy anymore. The look on his face when he heard the words come out of my mouth broke my heart. I wasn’t sure if he was concerned or if he was hurt at the fact that the woman that he wanted to leave was pregnant with his baby. Regardless, I had thrown a wrench in whatever plan that he had.

  “I’m pregnant, Aaron,” I cried.

  He let go of my arms. He just stood there stunned and looked at me. “How long have you known about this?”

  I dried my tears. “Oh, what does it matter? This doesn’t change the fact that you want to leave me, Aaron! I’m too young to have a baby! I don’t even want this baby, and you want to leave me to take care of it alone?”

  Aaron shook his head at me. “You knew about this baby when I asked you what you thought about getting married? You have been acting strange as hell for about two months, Charlie, and it’s because you knew you were pregnant and you weren’t even gonna tell me? Why, Charlie? Why would you keep this shit from me?”

  “Because I didn’t wanna have this baby!” I yelled, walking past him into his bedroom.

  Aaron followed behind me. He stood in the doorway as he watched me dig through his dresser drawers for a bra and panties.

  “The day I went to the abortion clinic to get rid of it, my mother showed up, cursing out everyone at that clinic! She made everyone there feel like shit! I didn’t wanna have a baby in this situation, Aaron! I’m in love with a man, and I’m pregnant with a baby that’s not—” I stopped talking, then looked up at him. “That’s not wanted.”

  Aaron’s eyes glistened. “A baby isn’t in my plans right now, Charlie, but that doesn’t mean you have to kill it either. I’ll take care of what’s mine, shorty. That includes you and the baby.”

  I broke down and cried. “Aaron, please don’t leave me!” I sat at the corner of his bed, turning my back to him. I couldn’t even face him. How could I when I basically just stopped the man from leaving me because he believed that the baby inside of me was his? I was wrong, and I knew I was going to pay for it one way or another some day.

  Chapter 7

  A Bitch Named Karma

  Charlene

  By the time I made it to Venus, Ne’Vaeh’s entire family was there. The restaurant was covered in blue and silver balloons. I should have known that a few cameras would be there. Superstars Darryl Allan, Anastasia Jones-Allan, and Jade Abdula-Matthews were in the place. Darryl barely came to Maryland after he moved to the ATL years ago. It wasn’t until a few years back that Ne’Vaeh even knew that Darryl Allan was her cousin. She found out on her sixteenth birthday when we went to one of Anastasia’s concerts in D.C. Renée introduced us to Darryl Allan backstage. He said that he found out from his grandmother that Ne’Vaeh’s mother was his mother’s half sister. Ever since he found out Ne’Vaeh was his cousin, he made it his business to look out for her whenever she needed it. Though she had a hard time adjusting to the fact that she had a cousin that was a celebrity, they still kept in touch. Most people would have been milking the shit out of their multimillionaire cousin, but not Ne’Vaeh. The girl could sing her ass off, but she never told Darryl about it. Couldn’t have been me, shit.

  Ne’Vaeh was looking very sexy that day in her Coogi dress. I know Coogi was the nineties look, but she was making it look real fly. She was bringing Coogi back. The dress hugged her in all the right places. She was a short li’l girl, but that minidress and those heels made her look at least five foot eight that night. Her makeup was flawless. Her skin was glowing. She sat at the far end of the table, between Renée’s mother and Anastasia Jones-Allan. Ne’Vaeh looked a little tense. She barely hugged me back when I hugged her that afternoon. She looked like something was bothering her real bad. She sat there, chin in hand, with laughter all around her.

  I swear, every time Anastasia or Darryl opened their mouth to say anything, a damn camera was flashing. The media has no damn respect for privacy.

  “So, Ne’Vaeh,” Anastasia set her wineglass down, “I heard from your cousin, Renée, that you have an angelic voice. I’ve been looking for a background singer for months. So, any time you wanna show me your skills, let me know. And any time you want a break from school, come holla at’cha girl.” Anastasia winked her eye at Ne’Vaeh.

  Ne’Vaeh laughed to herself, shooting Renée a quick glare. “Thanks, cuzzo, but no thanks. I’m going to college, then to law school. Singing in the choir is something I do to keep God in my life when I’m not in church.”

  Renée’s eyes widened. “‘No thanks’? What the . . . girl the fuck’s wrong with you? Are you crazy? Anastasia Jones-Allan just ordained you her got-damn backup singer! Hell yes, Anastasia, she’ll rock the fuck out of that microphone! Mama, I’m sorry, but your niece has some issues that I needed to set straight!” She put her hands up, surrendering before Miss Joyce got in her ass about her language.

  We all laughed a little.

  I looked at Aaron, who leaned back in his chair, looking a little uncomfortable to be there with us. I elbowed him to sit up in his chair, but he didn’t budge. I rolled my eyes at him.

  “So, cuz, tell me why I don’t see a man sitting at your side today.” Darryl chimed in with his wife. Miss Joyce elbowed Darryl in his rib cage. “What? Aunt Joyce, I’m just sayin’, look at her. My cousin is beautiful, with a capital B. So why doesn’t she have a man?”

  Aaron finally sat up in his chair, as if he was waiting to hear the answer to the question as well.

  Ne’Vaeh glanced at Aaron. She laughed nervously, looking at Darryl. “Wow, really? What’s this? Embarrass-the-hell-out-Ne’Vaeh-on-her-birthday? Gee, thanks, cuz.”

  Ne’Vaeh’s cousins laughed a little.

  Darryl made a face. “Nah, cuz, what? I’m just concerned, shorty. You look sad as hell on your nineteenth birthday. I haven’t seen my baby cousin smile in years. I just know your family and friends have some fun planned for you tonight. I’m only gonna be able to party with y’all for about an hour tonight. And while I’m here, I wanna see my cousin have some fun. I don’t wanna see you sitting alone on your special night, cuz.”

  The family nodded in agreement.

  Ne’Vaeh’s eyes glistened. “I appreciate that, Darryl. And I’m not alone—I have y’all here with me today.” She grabbed Anastasia’s hand in hers and cameras flashed. “Oh, goodness, that’s annoying. Cuz, could you please tell them to stop taking fuckin’ pictures? How do y’all live like this? Sheesh.”

  Anastasia smiled, squeezing her hand. She signaled the camera crew to get lost with her other hand.

  “Lunch was amazing, Jade. And thank you all for coming.” Ne’Vaeh tried to fake a smile. She looked over at Aaron. “Even those who weren’t invited.”

  I looked at Aaron.

  Aaron grinned at her, nodding in agreement, winking his eye at her. It was the first time that he had smiled all day. That moment really had me feeling some type of way. I wasn’t sure what to think.

  Lunch was awesome. There was nothing better than freshly cooked seafood, dessert, and wine for an afternoon meal. Ne’Vaeh tried her best to enjoy her much-needed time with her family. After lunch, her family members presented her with their gifts. Darryl, Anastasia, and Jade stuck around for a littl
e while. Aaron left to go pick up his bonus check from work. And a few of the family members left to get a few more things for the party. That afternoon, those remaining presented Ne’Vaeh with her gifts. She was in tears opening them all. She got everything from an iPad to a Rolex. Darryl handed her the last gift. It was a gift from her mother. Ne’Vaeh finally looked at me that afternoon. It was the first time that her mother had reached out to her in six years. She got up from the table, then hurried off to the bathroom.

  Renée rose from her chair. “Oh, poor baby . . .”

  “Wait,” I rose in my chair too. “I’ll go get her.”

  * * *

  “Ne’Vaeh, sweetie?” I crept into the bathroom, hearing Ne’Vaeh sobbing in one of the bathroom stalls.

  “Please, Charlie, leave me alone, okay?” she cried.

  I sighed, approaching the stall where her voice was coming from. “Well, I can’t do that, hon. You have a room full of people who are so happy to see you today.” I opened the door, seeing Ne’Vaeh sitting on top of the toilet seat. I grabbed a wad of tissue from the roll and started dabbing her cheeks. “Ne’Vaeh, oh my goodness, you’re going to ruin your makeup! You look gorgeous! Please, stop crying before you ruin this masterpiece called ‘your face’!”

  Ne’Vaeh laughed a little, taking the tissue from my hands. “Please, Charlie, let me sit here alone and cry, okay? I really don’t feel like talking.”

  “Sweetie, your family came from all over the U.S. to wish you a happy nineteenth birthday. I know your mother was the last person you wanted to wish you a happy birthday, but, hey, that’s life. Full of surprises, some good, some fucked-up.” I leaned up against the wall of the bathroom stall.

  Ne’Vaeh looked up at me, “Charlie,” her lips trembled. “It really hurts being alone.”

  I shook my head, “Sweetie, you know Darryl didn’t mean any harm by what he said.”

  Ne’Vaeh nodded. “I know he didn’t. But he reminded me of how lonely I am when he brought up the fact that I don’t have a boyfriend. I know he didn’t mean any harm, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. I’m nineteen years old, and I haven’t found love. Love never loves me like it’s supposed to! I can never have what I love, or love always ends up hurting me. I’m sick of this disappointment. I’m so sick of this pain. When is it my turn to be loved? I wanna be loved too, Charlie! Not the kind of love that hurts, but the kind of love that heals old wounds. That makes you smile even when you’re mad. That you don’t have to show where it hurts because he already knows. That knows when I need him to hold and comfort me. And that lets me know with every waking moment he can’t live, breathe, eat, sleep, exist without me.” Tears slid down her cheeks again. “Charlie, I need love. My mother hated us with every inch of her soul. She hated life. When she failed at taking her own life, she took my little brother’s. Your mother saved my life. My aunt Joyce saved my life. And for that, I will always love them both. I have not one mother, but I have two mothers.” She handed the small gift box from her mother back to me. “And neither one of their names is Juanita Washington. Fuck that bitch.”

  My eyes glistened. Ne’Vaeh was in so much pain. I could hear her pain in her voice, and I felt so guilty inside for what I had done. Jamie was just what she needed at that moment. He was amazing. Though a part of me had started to fall for him, I knew what I was feeling was mainly lust. He was sexier than a muthafucka, he knew the right things to do, he knew the right things to say, and he knew just where it hurt. Everything that Ne’Vaeh said that she needed, Jamie was the man to give it to her. Though I had started to develop feelings for him, a small part of me hoped that Jamie showed up to her party tonight. She needed him. She needed him so badly.

  “Okay, babe, let’s clean you up, then go back out there with your family to enjoy the rest of your lunch. You got your makeup bag?” I pulled her up from the toilet seat, taking her by her hand over to the bathroom sink.

  “I’m so sorry for breaking down like this.” Ne’Vaeh continued to cry as I dabbed her face with Kleenex. “Maybe I drank too much.”

  I swept her hair from her face. “Where did you put your purse so we can fix this makeup?”

  Ne’Vaeh pointed to the drawer. “Renée said she put some makeup in the drawer this morning for me. I guess she knew I would cry when I saw Juanita’s gift.”

  I dug in the drawer for some mascara, concealer, and pressed powder. “We just need to touch you up a bit and we’re good.”

  The tears just kept rolling down her face, which made it impossible to apply any makeup. Black tears slid down her cheeks.

  I sighed. “Sweetie, trust me, I know how you feel. Love hurts like a muthafucka. I wish I didn’t feel the way about Aaron that I do.” I didn’t want to turn the conversation to me, but I wanted her to know her life wasn’t the only one that was a wreck.

  Ne’Vaeh looked up at me, her tears slowly subsiding.

  “Our relationship has changed. Hasn’t been the same since Alisha’s bitch ass outted my past. I act like everything is so perfect between me and Aaron, but it’s not, girl. For a long time, we didn’t kiss, touch, hug, fuck, or look at each other—nothing. It wasn’t until like two months ago that we actually started having sex again after going without it for like three or four months straight.” I looked at Ne’Vaeh and the expression on her face.

  She held her stomach, looking like she was about to throw up. She braced herself up against the bathroom sink.

  “Are you okay?” I asked her.

  She nodded, tears lining her lashes. “Yeah, I guess I’m a little queasy from all that wine I drank.”

  I sighed. “Well, I could use a drink or two or three. Aaron and I almost broke up this morning.”

  Ne’Vaeh looked at me. “W-what? Almost broke up? What is ‘almost broke up’?”

  I shook my head, “Yeah, girl, I believe he had a whole speech down too. He was about to give me this whole never-the-right-time-to-say-good-bye-but-I-gotta-make-the-first-move-Chris-Brown shit.” I laughed a little to hide my pain. “Well, that was until I told him that I was pregnant.”

  Ne’Vaeh put her hand over her heart as if she was about to have a heart attack. The girl nearly stumbled over her own two feet.

  I caught her before she fell up against me. I helped her over to the vanity seat. “Whoa, Ne’Vaeh, are you okay?”

  Her whole face flushed. She didn’t respond. Her body was completely limp. I braced her body up against the wall, then hurried to the bathroom entrance to call for help. Renée was the first to enter the bathroom. Anastasia, Jade, the aunts, and the few female cousins that were in the restaurant rushed in behind her.

  “Go get some water, ma!” Renée rushed over to Ne’Vaeh’s limp body over on the vanity seat. She held her cousin in her arms. “Oh my goodness!” She struggled with all of her might to hold back any tears. “What happened, Charlie?”

  I was stunned. I had never seen Ne’Vaeh pass out before. “I-I don’t know! We were just talking, and she fainted! She fell up against me! What’s wrong with her? I have never seen her pass out before!”

  “She was diagnosed with heart failure a few months ago, Charlie.” Miss Joyce came back with the water, handing it to Renée. “She had numerous surgeries as a child. She was born with several holes in her heart, sweetie, and the left side of her heart isn’t pumping properly. We really shouldn’t have even let the poor girl have any wine today. Oh my goodness—that present from her mother—I don’t know what we were thinking.”

  “Heart failure?” I was shocked. I had no idea, and Ne’Vaeh never mentioned anything to me about having any health issues. All those times she went in for surgeries growing up, I thought she was getting her tonsils or her appendix removed. I knew she said her heart was broken, but I didn’t know she meant it literally.

  “Miss Joyce, we were only talking.” I shook my head, watching Ne’Vaeh’s aunt try to help resuscitate her.

  Anastasia sat on Ne’Vaeh’s other side, fanning her. “Well, whatever you said t
o the child had to have been something serious for her to just pass the hell out!” She looked up at me, dark, luminous lashes surrounding her brown eyes. “What were y’all talking about? What did you say to her?”

  Jade took her cell phone out of her purse. “Should I call the ambulance? I mean, she looks really bad, y’all!”

  Renée looked up at me, curious about what I said to her cousin that would make her pass out cold. “Well?”

  I swallowed hard. I really didn’t want to tell them about me being pregnant, but the cat was already out of the bag. “I don’t know what I could have said to upset the girl! Nothing I said to her was really that devastating that she would fall the fuck out! We were talking about her mother, about love, about me being pregnant with Aaron’s baby.”

  “Lawd.” Renée sighed, shaking her head at me, patting Ne’Vaeh’s cheeks to make her come to. “C’mon, baby, please . . . Snap out of it, cuz.”

  “Like I said, do we need to call 911?” Jade repeated frantically.

  Renée looked at me, shaking her head as if I had done something wrong. “Nah, sweetie, no ambulance is needed. She’ll be fine. I guess baby girl just heard some news that she wasn’t ready for, that’s all.”

  Ne’Vaeh came to. As soon as she opened her eyes, looking into Renée’s face, she started bawling her eyes out in her cousin’s arms.

  Renée sighed, her eyes growing misty. “Okay, everybody out. I got it from here.”

  Everyone, me included, was stunned. We wanted to see if Ne’Vaeh was okay, but Renée was adamant about us leaving them alone.

  “C’mon, now, everybody get the fuck out!” she exclaimed.

  I just stood there alongside the sink, watching everyone exit the bathroom.

  Renée looked up at me, rolling her eyes, “OMG, Charlie, what part of ‘get the fuck out’ didn’t you understand? The ‘get,’ the ‘fuck,’ or the ‘out’? You always were kinda slow!”

  I made a face at her. Ne’Vaeh had been living in my house for years, and I couldn’t hear whatever conversation the two of them were going to have? I was just as much family as anyone else there was. Hence, the fact that I was invited to the family luncheon.