It's Wrong for Me to Love You

by Krystal Armstead

  “You’re not going to class today, Aaron?” I asked, watching him light up another Newport.

  He looked at me, shaking his head. “Nah. I’m about to hit the gym, then roll up on shorty. She’s got a 10:00 appointment this morning. Depending on how that goes, I might show up to my 1:00 Physics class.” Aaron watched me as I folded the Coogi dress he had bought me. “I don’t think I got the chance to tell you how good you looked in that dress.”

  I looked up at him.

  “Shorty, you looked good in that dress. Fine as a muthafucka.” His eyes searched mine.

  I blushed a little. “Thank you, Aaron.”

  “You got everything?” he asked, walking toward the door.

  No, I didn’t have everything. I didn’t have my head together. I didn’t have my emotions together. I didn’t have my dignity. I didn’t have my pride. I didn’t have my self-esteem. I didn’t have my strength. I didn’t have him. I was a complete mess. I had no idea how I was going to recover mentally, physically, or emotionally.

  I shrugged. “I guess so, Aaron.” I placed my dress, heels, jacket, and the toiletries that Aaron bought in the bag that the clothes I was wearing came out of.

  Aaron approached me, handing me the clean pair of panties and bra that I had on the night of my party.

  I took them from him, lips trembling as I placed them in the bag. I couldn’t even look up at him. “I had a really nice time, Aaron. I can-I can still feel you all over my body. I can still feel you inside of me.”

  Aaron tilted my chin so our eyes could meet, and he gently kissed my lips, sucking on my bottom lip just a little. “No matter what happens from this day forward, just remember, Heaven, that I will always love you. Always.”

  * * *

  Aaron dropped me off at my dorm room that morning. When I opened my mouth to tell him good-bye, tears and pain came out instead. He leaned forward to kiss me on my forehead, then on my lips, then on my wet cheeks.

  My lips trembled as he gently kissed my lips again. I held his face in my hands as his lips caressed mine. He felt so wonderful, so amazing, and so comfortable. I loved him. As brief as our encounter was, it was going to take every ounce of strength I had to give up and walk away from him. It took everything in me to pull my lips from his that morning. I didn’t want to let him go.

  Aaron held my hands to his lips, softly kissing them.

  “Heaven, everything is gonna be okay,” he whispered.

  I struggled to smile. “My heart has been broken into so many pieces. Too many pieces to pick up, too many to count, too many to put back together. Kind of like dropping a vase on the floor—even when you put a shattered vase back together, there is always a piece missing, even if it’s the tiniest piece.” I dried my face because it was time to stop crying. “How can I mourn the loss of something that was never mine to begin with? I have no choice but to be okay with this. I ruined my own chances at a relationship with you. I shouldn’t have been so shy and insecure. Charlie is beautiful! I didn’t think I could compete with her! I never thought you would choose someone like me over someone like her!”

  Aaron shook his head. “Heaven, you are sexy as hell. Your chocolate skin tone is mouthwatering, yo. Yes, Charlie is a beautiful woman aesthetically, but the connection was never there, and we both know that.”

  I shook my head at him. I couldn’t handle being in his presence any longer. “Charlie loves you, Aaron. So you’re just gonna have to learn to love her back, for the sake of this soon-to-be beautiful baby. See you around, Aaron.” I couldn’t get out of that car fast enough. Oh my goodness, why didn’t anyone tell me that love would hurt this fuckin’ bad?

  Chapter 10

  The Reunion

  Ne’Vaeh

  I dodged the firing squad for a few days, and I mean just a few days. I sat in a far corner of the library that Friday, studying for a statistics test I had that afternoon. I mean, I was just sitting there, minding my own damn business when a pair of size six-and-a-half heels comes stomping across the lobby of the library. I sank back in my chair, trying to bury my face in my notes, acting as if I didn’t see Renée’s crazy ass stomping toward me, like Ms. Sophia from The Color Purple.

  “Okay, so now you’re gonna not only ignore my muthafuckin’ phone calls and texts, but you’re gonna sit there, lookin’ like you haven’t slept in days, acting like you don’t see me standing here in front of you too? Ne’Vaeh, act as if I won’t get loud up in this muthafucka if you want to! You know I know how to get you and me both barred from somewhere! Act brand new if you want to, boo-boo!” Renée’s voice already started to rise.

  I rolled my eyes, looking up at her from my iPad. “Oh, hey, girl. What’s up, Renée?”

  Renée’s eyes widened. “‘What’s up?’ What’s up? No, what’s up with you? I’ve been worried sick about you all fuckin’ week! Why have you been ignoring my fuckin’ calls? I know you seen my texts! And I sent you like twenty messages on Facebook!”

  My eyes filled with tears. She was right when she said I looked like I haven’t slept in days. I hadn’t. I hadn’t had any sleep since I fell asleep that Monday night in Aaron’s arms. It took everything I had every morning that week to crawl out of bed. I must have taken a whole bottle of sleeping pills. I’d had a prescription for sleeping pills ever since the day I found my brother’s body lifeless in his bed. It took years to fall asleep without seeing his face. Now, here I was, unable to get Aaron’s face out of my head. I couldn’t get my mind to register the fact that I wasn’t around him that week. In my mind, I could still smell, taste, hear, feel, and see Aaron.

  I couldn’t even say his name aloud without crying. I thought about him every second. I couldn’t help but wonder how his conversation with Charlie went the morning he dropped me back off at the dorm. I kept one of the towels from the hotel, the towel that he dried off with after we got out of the hot tub. Oh, it smelled just like him. I draped the towel across the pillow on my bed, burying my face in it, crying in it every night. I hadn’t even spent a week alone with Aaron, but the time that I did spend with him had embedded memories in my mind, heart, body, and soul. I could still feel him kissing me, touching me, biting me, sucking me, inside of me. I can admit, yeah, I was sprung. I had no idea how I was going to get over him, but I had no choice but to move on, and I was probably going to need counseling to do it.

  I looked at Renée. “I really didn’t feel like talking to anybody, okay? My fuckin’ birthday was a fuckin’ disaster. I’m gonna have to start going back to my damn therapist, just to get over the events that occurred that night. And you know I hate that bitch.”

  Renée sat down at the table across from me. She was dressed in a tight sweater that showed a little too much cleavage, and tight black denim jeans. She always did dress to impress. I don’t even think that girl owned one pair of fuckin’ sweatpants. Even when we went to the gym, she would find the shortest shorts. They might as well have been panties, and the tightest, tiniest tank top to put on. Always had to be the sexy one in the crew. You would have never thought by looking at her that she was pushing thirty because she fit right in with the teenagers.

  “So,” she looked at me, “how was the after-party?”

  I looked at her, not sure really how to respond. I figured when all else fails, play dumb. “What after-party?”

  Renée pursed her lips. “Bitch, don’t make me slap the shit outta you.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Renée, you know, there are three rules to business. Number one, I mind my business. Number two, you mind your business. And number three, stay the fuck outta mine.”

  Renée laughed aloud. “Oh, okay, I see, using my own shit on me, huh? So, you got dicked-down by Mr. Whitehaven, and now you think you’re a full-fledged woman? Okay, I got you. Well, I just thought I’d let you know that Charlie knows about your little love affair.”

  I just looked at Renée, my heart beginning to speed up.

  Renée nodded, “Yeah, she found the receipt for that damn dress you h
ad on last weekend in Aaron’s jacket pocket. He admitted that he bought the dress, those damn earrings, and that necklace that you still have on for your birthday. He didn’t admit to her that y’all slept together, but Charlie isn’t stupid. The nigga was MIA from Sunday night until Tuesday morning. She knew where the fuck he was at. She knew where the fuck you were at. She has connections, Ne’Vaeh. You just remember that.”

  Tears slid down my face, but I quickly dried them away.

  “Girl, I must say, though, Charlie slapped the living shit outta that muthafucka when he showed up that Tuesday morning!” Renée laughed to herself.

  I looked at her, putting my iPad down. “How do you know this?”

  She looked at me. “Because I was there, honey.”

  “Since when do you start hanging around Charlie?” I asked.

  Renée shook her head at me. “Since your ass stopped answering your fuckin’ phone, and I needed to find out where the fuck you were! Charlie is more pissed than a muthafucka at you! But for some reason, and I can’t quite put my finger on it, she hasn’t beat your ass yet. Or at least attempted to. I mean, as much as I’m pissed at you, I wouldn’t let anything happen to you.”

  My heart was racing. “What-what happened after she slapped him, Renée?”

  Renée shrugged. “I don’t know. All I know is that she planned to take me with her to her appointment because she really wasn’t ready to face Aaron. When he showed up, her ass blanked out on him—she was kicking, screaming, and slapping him! It took her cousin, Tyra, and me to pull her off Aaron! She fell to the floor crying, and the funny thing is that Aaron started crying too. I don’t think the dude was crying over her being upset with him. I think he was crying over what happened with you.”

  Thoughts of Aaron’s stroke flashed through my mind.

  “Aaron asked us if we could give them some privacy for a few minutes. We stepped outside. Twenty minutes later, Tyra went back in the house to make sure everything was cool. She came back outside and said . . . Well, let’s just say that he said something and did something that the girl needed to get over it.” Renée knew she was telling me everything I didn’t want to hear, but she continued talking. “Yesterday, Charlie and a few of her chicks from the squad showed up to my house with a few invitations.”

  I looked at Renée, heart pounding harder than ever in my chest. “Invitations to what, Renée?”

  “The engagement party, Ne’Vaeh! The bitch is having the party Thanksgiving Day!” Renée exclaimed. She reached in her purse and pulled out a beige, sparkly invitation, handing it to me. “Here.”

  It had my name on it. I laughed a little. I knew Charlie was going to invite me just to rub it in. If she knew about my three-night stand with her boyfriend, she sure as hell was playing it off really well. She hadn’t called. She hadn’t come to hunt me down at school. She hadn’t tried to fight me. She hadn’t showed any signs that she knew about anything that happened between her fiancé and me. Yeah, she had plans for me.

  “Well, that ruined my day.” I laughed at Charlie’s ignorance, handing the invitation back to Renée.

  Renée shook her head at me. “Sweetie, I know this shit is devastating, but you gotta do what you gotta do to move on. I’m pretty sure you fucked that muthafucka’s brains out those days you were with him in Virginia. And no sooner than a few hours after he’s home, he’s back to fuckin’ Charlie’s ass! It’s sad that you’re in love with this dude and know nothing about him or his stuck-up-ass rich family. I know that boy loves you. Shit, Charlie knows that boy loves you! But they are having a baby, and they are getting married, and that’s that.”

  I sat back in my chair, mind racing in all sorts of directions.

  “So, with that being said, Jamie also gave me an invitation to give to you.” Renée reached into her purse again, pulling out a purple and gold invitation.

  I looked at her, rolling my eyes, taking the invitation from her hand. “Renée, I can’t even believe you’re handing me this shit. What is this?”

  “An invitation to Jamie’s Ravens’ party! It’s tonight at ten-thirty! Don’t tell me you haven’t heard the dude just signed with the Ravens yesterday! Yeah, come spring, he’s training with the Ravens!” Renée was definitely more excited than I was to hear that Jamie was coming back to town.

  I shook my head, looking at the bitch as if she’d lost her fuckin’ mind. “I’m not going to this shit. This invitation is just as fucked up as Charlie’s invitation!”

  Renée shook her head back at me, “Well, boo-boo, you will be ready to roll at ten o’clock tonight when I come back to get you. And if you’re not, I swear to goodness, I will tell Jamie which dorm room you stay in. You know the muthafucka is fine. One of these thirsty bitches would let him in your dorm!”

  I rolled my eyes, handing the invitation back to her. “Renée, that’s fucked up! My heart is in no condition to go out to no fuckin’ party, especially a party where Jamie Green’s ass is gonna be! He broke my heart! You think I really wanna go around him right now?”

  Renée sighed. “Girl, you gotta let it go. I know it’s too soon to say some shit like that to you, but it’s reality. You got the chance to be with Aaron for a few days. You got the chance to feel what it was like to know that he loves you. I know that feeling was snatched from you too soon, but I told you to leave that situation alone! Jamie Green is back, the boy you used to love with all of your heart. He’s leaving Sunday to go back to Memphis to finish his semester in school; then he’s back in Baltimore. He personally gave me this invitation to give to you, which means he wants you to come.”

  I fought back any old feelings that I may have felt for Jamie. “I really don’t give a fuck, Renée. And you’re wrong for doing this to me!”

  Renée got up from the table, “Okay, whatever, Ne’Vaeh. I expect to see you waiting outside your dorm tonight wearing something purple and sexy. The party is at Purple Panties. We gonna have a ball, girl!” She came around the table to hug me. “Everything is gonna be okay, boo, you’ll see.”

  Seemed like nothing fit right that night. It was too soon to be going to a got-damn party. It was too soon to have any fun. It was too soon to see Jamie’s face. I prayed that the club would be so crowded that Jamie wouldn’t be able to spot me. He knew everybody, so I knew the club would be crowded beyond capacity. Renée must have called me a million damn times that day, just to make sure that I was getting ready. She even sent over our cousin Jennel to do my hair and makeup. I was in no mood to be pretty, so I could give a damn if I wore a wife beater and sweatpants. Jennel flat ironed my hair, put makeup on my face, and even brought over a sexy, tight, purple dress with matching heels for me to wear. The bitch even brought me a purple silk bra and bikini panties set. Why the hell did I need to match my underwear with my damn clothes? I don’t know whom Renée called herself trying to impress. I couldn’t care less how Jamie thought I looked. That muthafucka.

  “Done! I sure can beat a face!” Jennel said, after applying the last coat of mascara. She smiled, dark eyes searching my face for any flaws with my makeup. “Girl, I am a beast in the cosmetic department! Not that you needed any makeup with your perfect-skin-havin’ ass, but yeah, you look like a beauty queen!” She gave me a hand mirror.

  I grinned a little, looking at my reflection in the mirror. I admit, she did have skills, but I wasn’t in the mood to go out anywhere. My smile quickly faded. “Jennel, I am not in the mood to go out tonight.” I handed the mirror back to her. “Y’all know how Jamie did me. Why would I wanna celebrate with him? And you know this whole being drafted-to-the-Ravens thing is bullshit, right? Jamie doesn’t even like the Ravens! Remember when he said they were dried up—he used to call them the Baltimore Raisins!”

  Jennel shook her head, putting all of her makeup back in her Chanel makeup case. “Girl, shut up. Renée means well, and you know it. She is your biggest fan. Always has been, always will be. You’re like a sister to her, the little sister she never had! A bunch of us ran into Jam
ie last night at the mall. He told her to bring everybody out to the club tonight for his party. You were the only one he had an invitation for. The only reason we are gettin’ in is because you got an invite!”

  I sighed. “Why did she have to match my underwear with my outfit? What the fuck kind of party do y’all have me going to?”

  Jennel laughed aloud. “Girl, you’ll see!”

  * * *

  Renée, along with about ten of her friends, picked me up that night in a stretch Hummer. Renée always rolled deep, if you haven’t noticed. All of her friends were dressed to impress, looking like a bunch of black Playboy models. Renée was excited to see that Jennel had done such a good job with my hair and makeup. She went on and on about how I was going to win. Win what? I had no idea.

  Once we got to Purple Panties, we stepped out of the limo. The line was wrapped all the way around the damn building. I didn’t want to skip everyone, because I really didn’t want to go to the party in the first damn place. But Alisha’s ass was already standing in the door, wearing a skimpy silk purple dress that barely touched the bottom of her butt cheeks. You could see her purple push-up bra and thong through her dress. Her long hair was swept up into a bun. She squealed when she saw the thirteen of us walking toward her, prancing down the red carpet. She nudged the security guard, whispering something to him. He looked at us, then unhooked the rope, letting us in.

  Alisha quickly rushed over to me, throwing her arms around me. “Cutie, you made it!”

  I faked a smile. “Hey, girl.”

  “Ooohhh, look at you!” Alisha smacked me on the butt. “Look at the rest of y’all, lookin’ like a bunch’a raisins with all that got-damn purple on! C’mon, girls, we got a few booths in the back of the club.” She grabbed my arm, pulling me behind her, leading me into the club.