As hard as he tried not to dwell on why he’d been distracted, he couldn’t help himself. Perhaps because of the irony of Radley resurfacing days before the incomprehensible cruelty that had taken Luke from them. Justin knew he needed to let it go. Alicia and he had taken a step forward since the accident, with Alicia, at least, no longer keeping all her grief inside – Justin knew how destructive that could be. She still seemed unable to talk properly to him though, hold eye contact with him, and he badly needed her to. He was assuming it was because he’d been driving, that there was part of her that couldn’t help blaming him. Still, though, his mind would wonder about Radley. He simply wouldn’t go away.
Taking a breath, Justin realised the parents of the six-month-old baby girl brought in with brain trauma would probably wonder what he was doing, staring down at her, and snapped his attention back to her.
He’d performed emergency surgery on this child the day before his own little boy had died. She was alive. A small miracle in the bleak madness his life had become. Untouched, untroubled, untarnished. He couldn’t help recalling what he’d thought when he’d first gazed down in wonder at Sophie. At Lucas. He’d sworn to keep their world safe. To keep them safe. He’d failed. Failed in his most fundamental obligation as a father.
Swallowing hard as a new wave of grief sucked the air from his lungs, Justin tried to breathe through it, focussing on checking the little girl’s vital statistics. And then, satisfied she was doing as well as she could be, he stroked her cheek softly with his finger and was rewarded with a delighted gurgle, which almost broke his heart all over again. ‘She’s going to be a knockout,’ he said, composing himself and turning to offer the parents a reassuring smile.
‘Thanks, Dr Cole.’ The young father smiled awkwardly and then glanced away.
Justin guessed they’d heard the news about his son, which had travelled like wildfire around the hospital. He should go. He hadn’t meant to make them feel uncomfortable, which inevitably they would be, but he’d needed to see for himself that she was thriving. ‘I’ll leave you in the capable hands of the nursing staff,’ he said, smiling again as he turned for the door.
‘Dr Cole,’ the mother said, behind him.
Justin had only half turned back when she launched herself at him, throwing her arms around him, dropping her head to his shoulder and squeezing him hard. ‘Thank you,’ she said emotionally. ‘For everything. For coming to check on her. You’re a very special man.’
Justin didn’t feel very special. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he counted, anger was all he felt. So much anger and guilt stuffed inside him it was fucking choking him. He managed to make it to one of the patients’ toilets along the corridor before he gave vent to his tears.
Nine
ALICIA
Breathing out a sigh of relief, Alicia came from the kitchen to meet Justin as soon as she heard his key in the front door. ‘Are you all right?’ she asked him, almost before he’d stepped through it.
Justin glanced at her confusedly.
‘I was worried,’ Alicia said, trying not to sound accusatory. God knew, that was the last thing she should be. ‘You’ve been gone a while. I rang the hospital. They said you’d left. And when you didn’t come home, I wondered… I thought…’ She trailed hopelessly off, the words she wanted to say to him dying in her throat.
He could talk to her – that was what she wanted to tell him. Should tell him. She was here for him. Every thought she had now was muddled. Everything she said to him would add an insult to the injury that would inevitably be caused when the truth came out. She could feel it, like a guillotine casting a long shadow over them, ready to drop, when Paul Radley chose to let it.
‘Sorry,’ Justin said, with an attempt at a smile. ‘I should have thought. I was out walking, lost track of time. I meant to call.’
‘But you’re all right?’ she asked again, knowing he couldn’t possibly be.
Justin took a second, a long second, to hang his coat up, and then finally turned to look at her. ‘Under the circumstances’ – he paused, holding her gaze – ‘yes, as well as I can be, I suppose.’
Alicia scanned his eyes. Usually so bright and intelligent, twinkling amusedly whenever he smiled and always full of compassion, there was nothing there now other than deep-rooted pain.
‘Dad?’ Sophie called apprehensively to him from the landing, breaking the silence now hanging between them. ‘Are you okay? You’ve been gone ages.’
Justin snapped his gaze away from Alicia to look up at her. ‘Yes,’ he said, quickly. ‘Sorry, Pumpkin. There was a patient I needed to check on. I should have rung. I’m okay, honestly.’
Wiping a hand quickly across her cheek, looking small and vulnerable, and about as convinced as Alicia felt, Sophie looked him anxiously over, and then padded quickly down the stairs to throw herself into his arms.
Justin held her, hugging her back hard. ‘We’ll get through this, baby, I promise,’ he said hoarsely, dropping a soft kiss to her hair and then looking back to Alicia.
Alicia saw a question in his eyes. Fear, too. The same fear that was eating away at her. Will we get through this? Alicia had no way to answer.
Justin turned his attention back to Sophie. ‘Have you eaten?’ he asked her, easing back to scan her face.
Looking pale and drawn, Sophie hesitated. She hadn’t, but clearly she didn’t want to tell Justin that. She wouldn’t lie to him either, so she simply shrugged instead.
‘How about some soup?’ Justin suggested, talking to her encouragingly, as he might have done when she was a small girl tucked up in bed with some childhood illness.
Sophie nodded then. ‘I’ll have some if you will,’ she said, turning to the kitchen.
‘Deal,’ Justin said. ‘Alicia?’
Alicia felt all her emotions bubbling to the surface as he looked at her, with such uncertainty in his eyes, it tore another piece from her heart. She should eat. She should at least try – for his sake, for Sophie’s – but what she really wanted to do was curl up under her duvet until the unbearable tightness in her chest went away. The duvet on the bed where she slept with the man she’d loved with her very soul since she’d first met him. The bed in which they’d talked, about important and inconsequential things, laughed and made sweet love, he sensitive to her every need, touching her to her very core, creating the child God had called back to heaven too soon. Alicia held on to that thought: that that’s where Lucas was, safe with her mum – his great-nanna – who would be making endless cure-all cups of tea. It was what sustained her when she woke in the darkest hours, feeling so lonely and empty, desperate to turn to the man she knew would offer the comfort she so badly needed. Yet, how could she? She had to tell him. Everything. What alternative was there?
‘Soup?’ he asked her.
Alicia swallowed. ‘I’ll join you in a minute.’ She smiled, though her voice caught painfully in her throat. ‘I’m just going to grab the blouse Sophie needs ironed for tomorrow.’
Halfway up the stairs, Alicia saw him glance down, massaging his temples hard. Staying where she was, she watched as he turned his gaze upwards, as if contemplating… How would he ever survive the day he buried his six-month-old son?
Ten
ALICIA
Alicia didn’t have to shout upstairs to hurry Sophie on the next morning. Joining Justin in the hall, she looked towards her daughter as she descended the stairs. Her face was pale, her eyes awash with unshed tears. She looked frightened, lost and so very lonely.
Wanting to cry for her, wishing she could take her pain away, Alicia moved towards her as she reached the hall. Offering her a small smile, she held her gaze for a moment, trying to reassure her. She shouldn’t have to go through this. No one should. It was too cruel. Crueller still for a fifteen-year-old girl who was struggling to be an adult because she felt her parents needed her to be.
Sophie was going to do the eulogy. It would be one of the most heartbreaking things she would ever
do in her life, but Alicia hadn’t tried to dissuade her. Justin had agreed it was something she needed to do, for her baby brother. He’d said he would step in if she couldn’t get through it. Alicia wondered, though, how he would get through it.
He looked dreadful, more exhausted than she’d ever seen him. Even at his lowest ebb, she’d never seen him look so utterly bereft. Dark shadows under his eyes – in his eyes – he looked like a man who might never sleep again.
She didn’t ask him if he was all right, reaching for his hand to squeeze it reassuringly instead. Justin squeezed hers back, briefly, and then pulled in a long breath and went to the front door to check whether the cars had arrived. Alicia didn’t want them to arrive. Didn’t want the moment to come when she would have to say a final goodbye to her child.
Gulping hard, she glanced down and then looked back to Sophie, whose eyes were now full of trepidation. Alicia reached for her hand. ‘Okay?’ she asked her, brushing a stray curl from her face. Cascading over her shoulders, Sophie’s long, sable hair was darker than Justin’s. Her eyes were a deep, rich chestnut brown, where Justin’s were blue. Yet, in so many other ways, she was so like him. Her mannerisms, her deeply caring nature – these were the things they shared. Justin adored his feisty, funny daughter. He would kill to protect her, Alicia knew that to be true. She hoped Sophie knew that she would, too. That she knew in her heart that her mother loved her with all of herself, no matter what else happened.
Sophie nodded, and gave her a small, tremulous smile.
‘You’re a beautiful, special person and I love you very much. Never forget that, Sophie,’ Alicia whispered, squeezing her into a firm hug.
Sophie hugged her hard back, and Alicia felt her heart hitch in her chest. It was enough, that hug, to sustain her. She would get through this. Somehow, her legs would carry her. She would keep standing. Sophie would need her to. And Justin, her husband, a good, honest man, who would never knowingly hurt anyone… Whatever the future held, he needed her now, and she would be there.
‘Ready?’ he said softly, behind her.
Bracing herself to face the worst day of her life, alongside the two people who mattered most in the world, Alicia nodded and turned to him, her gaze dropping from the immeasurable heartbreak in his eyes down to his tie. It was slightly askew, she noticed. She imagined his hands shaking as he’d tied it. Instinctively, Alicia reached to straighten it, another intimate gesture between them that sent an unbearable wave of sadness right through her. He used to smile when she fixed his tie – that languid, slow smile that would make her fingers all thumbs – and then invariably steal a kiss. He’d tugged it loose once, a glint in his eyes that told Alicia they were both going to be late for work.
Alicia dropped her gaze. She couldn’t bear it, the hurt she could now see there.
Justin surprised her, reaching to gently lift her chin, so that she had no option but to look directly at him. ‘We’ll find a way through this, Ali,’ he said, his voice hoarse. ‘We have to.’
Pressing his forehead to hers, he tugged in a ragged breath.
Feeling his hand softly tracing the length of her back, Alicia moved towards him, threaded her arms around him and held him tight. He needed her to. And she needed it too.
They stayed like that for one long, precious moment, before someone tapped on the front door. She felt Justin stiffen, pulling himself upright as he eased away from her, turning to face the insufferable heartache to come.
Eleven
ALICIA
Alicia watched Justin carry Lucas in his arms, his gaze focussed on the catafalque. She wanted to scream at the injustice of it – right here, right now, in front of all the people gathered to mark the passage of their son’s short life in respectful silence. She wanted to drop to her knees and sob. Or run as far away as she could from the nightmare that was never going to end.
But she couldn’t.
She had to be there.
Her family needed her.
Her throat closing, her heart beyond breaking, she watched as Justin lowered the casket. ‘Bye, little man.’ She read the words on his lips as he placed a hand briefly upon it, wiped his eyes with his other hand and turned away. He didn’t look at anyone as he took his seat. Alicia guessed why: he couldn’t bear to see the sympathy in their eyes. He simply wouldn’t be able to cope with it.
She reached for his hand, gripping it hard. She heard nothing of what the minister was saying beyond ‘God has walked with Luke since before he was born.’ Sophie took hold of her other hand and Alicia held on tight to her daughter.
It took a second to realise Sophie was easing away. Alicia couldn’t breathe past the pain in her chest, couldn’t focus through her tears, as her beautiful, brave daughter took her place at the pulpit.
She felt Justin’s hand on her back, his arm sliding around her as she bowed her head, gulping hard against the sobs she couldn’t seem to stop.
Haltingly, Sophie began. ‘“Do not stand at my grave and weep; I am not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow…”’
Alicia looked up, her heart breaking for her, as her baby paused, trying to compose herself.
‘Luke did sleep.’ Sophie glanced upwards, wiped a tear from her cheek and went on, as Justin got half to his feet. ‘He slept a lot.’ She laughed tremulously. ‘I wondered what the point of him was at first. And then I realised. Seeing the pure innocence in his eyes, the little hand he trustingly offered me, his smile’ – again, she stopped, her voice quavering – ‘simply because he was delighted to see me. Luke taught me how to love, unconditionally and with all of me. He’s nestled safe in an angel’s wings now, but he will never leave me. He’s here.’ She pressed a hand to her heart. ‘He will always be.’
Easing her daughter to her when she made her way back, Alicia kissed her temple, and then turned to Justin. His gaze was fixed downwards. She saw the tears spill onto the order of service resting on his knees, his other hand going to his forehead as he drew in a deep breath, trying to contain his emotion.
Outside, she would tell him how much she loved him. Would always love him. She had no idea what tomorrow would bring, but today, she was Justin’s wife. He was her husband. His heart was tearing inside him, and he needed her to be there for him.
Twelve
JUSTIN
Once outside the church, Justin’s strength almost failed him. People were spilling out, glancing over to him, talking in hushed whispers about the beautiful service, the flowers, debating whose cars to follow to the reception. Alicia’s sister had stopped her on the way out. Watching her sobbing now in Jessica’s arms, Justin thought his presence might be an intrusion. Deciding to give them a minute, he waited, shaking hands and thanking people for coming.
Seeing someone approach her, seemingly without hesitation, Justin felt his already fractured heart splinter. It wasn’t jealousy that consumed him as he watched Paul Radley, the man from Alicia’s past, place a hand on her arm and lean intimately towards her. It was desolation. Standing there, amongst people he knew, people who cared deeply, Justin suddenly felt more alone than he ever had in his life. He had no idea what to do. How to be. He wasn’t sure he even knew who he was any more, what his role was. He felt utterly and hopelessly lost.
Kneading his temples, desperately trying to hold back his tears, he turned away. He couldn’t do this, stand here, feeling as if he was on the outside. The man had worked with Alicia aeons ago, for what, six months? A year? It had been a small financial services company. She hadn’t really liked her job, she’d said, and had eventually left to retrain as a social worker. As far as he knew, she hadn’t seen this man since. So what the hell was he doing here?
Realising his anger was way too close to the surface, Justin started walking. Whether he was getting things out of proportion or not, he couldn’t handle this. Not now.
‘Dad?’ Sophie said behind him, as he reached the path heading towards the exit.
Justin turned
back. The guy was still there, his hand still on Alicia’s arm, his face close to hers. Too close. Justin looked away. He couldn’t breathe.
‘Justin?’ He heard Jessica hurrying towards him. ‘Justin, are you all right?’
Ineffectually attempting to compose himself, Justin nodded shortly.
Jessica stopped in front of him, placing a hand on his arm, as he glanced again towards Alicia. ‘He’s just an old acquaintance,’ she said, looking kindly into his eyes.
Was he? Justin’s gaze flicked again to Alicia and back. He was beginning to very much doubt that that’s all he was, not least because her sister had just felt the need to convince him of it.
‘I need to go,’ he said, restraining himself from going over there and establishing the facts for himself. ‘I have to… walk. Clear my head.’
Jessica looked surprised, and then nodded sympathetically. ‘You need some alone time. I can’t say I blame you. Go on, take all the time you need. I’ll let Alicia know. I’m not sure she’ll understand entirely’ – she glanced anxiously back over her shoulder – ‘but I’ll make sure she knows you’re okay.’
Justin laughed drily at that. Deep in conversation with her ‘old acquaintance’, he wasn’t sure Alicia would even notice he’d gone. ‘Will you take care of Sophie for me?’ he asked Jessica.
‘Of course I will,’ Jessica assured him. ‘Do you want me to tell Alicia you’ll see her at the reception?’
The Affair_A gripping psychological thriller with a shocking twist Page 4