‘Exactly.’ Jessica looked hugely relieved. ‘I’m happy to lend a shoulder, of course I am. You know me, always willing to help in a crisis. But I didn’t want to seem to be going behind your back.’
‘No, of course you wouldn’t.’ Alicia smiled tightly again. ‘Did you go back to work?’ she enquired casually.
Jessica looked at her blankly.
‘It’s just that you said you’d gone to see Justin because you were taking the rest of the day off.’
‘Yes,’ Jessica said uncertainly.
‘And then you said you had to get back to work,’ Alicia reminded her.
Jessica’s brow furrowed. ‘Did I?’
‘Perhaps it’s you who’s a bit mixed up, Jess?’ Alicia suggested.
Jessica looked somewhat po-faced. ‘I hardly think it’s me who could be accused of that, Alicia. I only mentioned it because I thought you should be aware, but if you’re going to start bandying accusations about…’
‘Aware of what, Jess?’ Alicia stopped her, as Jessica turned towards the kitchen. ‘That my husband’s right up there alongside the “bastards” you’ve had the misfortune to be involved with? That, even though he’s injured, out of his mind with grief, he’s engineering some plan to sleep with my sister to get back at me?’
‘That was not what I said.’ Jessica whirled back around. ‘You’re putting words in my mouth, Alicia, and that’s not fair after all I’ve done for you. I really wonder why on earth I—’
‘Why didn’t you text me?’ Alicia asked over her. ‘When Justin “guessed” about Sophie, why didn’t you alert me, Jess? Your phone is never more than two inches away from you, after all.’
Jessica looked nonplussed. ‘I don’t know,’ she said indignantly. ‘I don’t remember. I was in a state of shock. Of panic. For you!’
‘Right.’ Alicia narrowed her eyes. ‘Did you also forget to tell me you’d mentioned Sophie’s sixteenth birthday to Paul Radley, therefore supplying him with the exact information I didn’t want him to have – her date of birth?’ she asked furiously.
‘Oh, don’t be bloody ridiculous,’ Jessica snapped, turning away again.
‘He wouldn’t have known!’ Alicia shouted behind her. ‘He wouldn’t have done the maths if you hadn’t told him!’
Jessica turned back, two bright spots on her cheeks, her expression livid. ‘But Justin would have! He’d already done the maths, Alicia. He knew. And, if you ask me, it was about bloody time he did!’
Alicia stared at her, her heart feeling as if it was fragmenting piece by painful piece. ‘You wanted him to find out, didn’t you?’
‘Of course I didn’t want him to find out.’ Jessica sighed short-temperedly. ‘But if you’re asking whether I’m glad he knows, then yes, I am. You should have told him, Alicia. It wasn’t fair to keep him under false pretences. You should have given him a chance at another relationship.’
Alicia laughed – a short, disbelieving laugh. ‘With you.’
Jessica notched up her chin. ‘If that’s what he’d wanted, then yes. Why not?’
‘Why not?’ Alicia almost choked out the words. ‘He’s my husband!’
‘And you don’t appreciate him!’ Jessica countered angrily. ‘You had the perfect life, the perfect family, everything I ever wanted. You didn’t deserve it, Alicia.’
She was jealous. Alicia was utterly stunned. So jealous she would have risked Sophie’s happiness? Justin’s?
‘You were so busy fluttering your bloody eyelashes and blushing the first time you saw him, it never occurred to you I might be interested in him,’ Jessica ranted on, obviously letting go of the frustration she’d bottled up inside for many, many years. ‘That he might have been interested in me. Oh no. You just moved in like a cruise missile, grabbing him for yourself, always getting everything you want because you’re so obviously needy. But you didn’t want him, did you? You lied to him, deceived him, cheated…’
Realising she might have gone a step too far, she stopped suddenly.
Alicia clenched her teeth hard. ‘Did you give him Sophie’s mobile number?’ she demanded, her fury now bubbling white-hot inside her. ‘Paul Radley. Did you give him Sophie’s number?’
Jessica held her gaze. ‘She’s his daughter,’ she said, tilting her chin defiantly.
‘My daughter!’ Alicia’s fury spilled over. ‘My husband!’ She stepped forward to land a stinging slap on Jessica’s face, who was even now unrepentant. ‘You’re sad,’ she seethed. ‘A very sad, bitter woman, who I was fool enough to listen to for far too long. I hope you’ll be happy on your own, Jess.’ Looking her over contemptuously, Alicia turned to fly up the stairs for her things.
‘Where are you going?’ Jessica shouted after her.
‘To find my family!’
Sixty-Three
JUSTIN
Sitting with the heels of his hands pressed hard against his eyes, his chest heaving with a toxic mixture of raw anger and anguish that far outweighed his physical pain, Justin struggled to get a grip on his emotions. He needed to. Coping mechanisms weren’t going to work. Nothing was going to work, but he needed to.
Picking up the photos from that long-ago wedding, several of which he’d now had enlarged, he studied them again. Her bridesmaid’s dress was pastel blue; the colour suited her fair complexion and caramel-coloured hair. It was a sleeveless dress with thin shoulder straps. He recalled how she’d slathered herself in fake tan the night before – to hide her pale skin, she’d said. Her first lie, one of a succession of lies. How could he have been so blind? How? He was a doctor! He’d seen this type of bruising a thousand times. The concealer she’d also applied, some of which she’d got on the front of the dress – he vividly remembered her trying to sponge it off before she left the house – had clearly eventually worn off.
She’d worn a cardigan at the reception. Said she was cold. He’d been sweltering. But he’d also been preoccupied, too busy with his own problems to see the evidence that was right before his eyes. Bruises. Finger-shaped bruising on both of her arms. Livid, purple-black bruises – meaning they were only a few days old, inflicted, therefore, around the night she’d stayed with her friend. Got so drunk with her friend she’d been ill.
Had it just been drink, he wondered, his gut tightening, his jaw clenching. She’d been hungover the next day; that much she’d told him. She’d also been dizzy, her movements sluggish, her limbs heavy. She’d had an upset stomach. All the symptoms of a bug. They were also the after-effects of any number of sedative-hypnotic drugs: flunitrazepam, gamma-hydroxybutyrate, ketamine, Rohypnol. All available on the black market, the latter easily purchased in Europe for use as a sleeping pill – or to render someone helpless in order to carry out a sexual assault.
Swallowing back the bile in his throat, Justin pressed his knuckles against his temples and tried to think rationally. Was he going completely insane? Imagining this? Looking for explanations for the inexplicable that were in no way preferable? She’d seen Paul Radley more than once. She’d said she had.
Why?
And if he was right about this, why the hell would she have lied to him?
It made no sense. None of it. But going slowly out of his mind or not, one thing he wasn’t imagining were those bruises.
Sucking in a breath, he glanced upwards and then pulled himself to his feet. Walking across to the drinks table, he considered his options, picked up the whisky, tested the weight of it, then – emitting a roar that came from his soul – hurled it against the far wall.
Sitting by and doing nothing simply wasn’t an option.
Sixty-Four
ALICIA
Alicia jumped as her phone rang.
Thank God! Alicia seized on it. ‘Justin, where are you?’ she said immediately, unable to keep the wretchedness from her voice. ‘I’ve been so worried. I thought something might have happened to you. Are you all right?’
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to disappear like that, or not to call you
, I just…’
‘Needed some space?’ Alicia filled in sadly.
‘Definitely.’ Justin drew in a breath. ‘I have to see you, Alicia. Can we talk?’
Alicia felt the familiar knot of tension tighten in her stomach. He didn’t sound agitated. Drained, yes, but not angry. ‘When?’ she asked him.
‘Now. I’m outside.’
Outside the house? Alicia went to the window, and sure enough, he was parked outside. Clearly, he didn’t want to come into the house, which he would always normally do. Presumably because he wanted to avoid Jessica, which confirmed what her sister had said. Something had gone on between them, but not the something that at least one of them had hoped.
‘I’ll be one minute,’ she said, nodding as he glanced up at the window.
Debating whether to take her things out with her, Alicia decided to leave them where they were. Appearing with her bags would only raise more questions, and she didn’t want that. No doubt Justin wouldn’t want to wonder about what she might be up to or where she might be going either. She actually didn’t have a clue where she would go. A hotel, she supposed, at least for tonight.
‘Alicia?’ Jessica came out of the lounge as she reached the hall. ‘Can we talk?’
Alicia shook her head, incredulous. Did she honestly think they could? Now? Could she not see the damage she’d done? They still didn’t know what had happened to Sophie. It was something Alicia tried hard not to imagine. She’d thought they were close – as close as two sisters with completely different lifestyles could be. That they would be there for each other in a crisis. She’d been so wrong. Jessica had never been the sister she’d thought she was. Instead, she was a twisted person, driven by jealousy. She’d wanted children desperately. She’d wanted what Alicia had, and was obviously prepared to go to any lengths to get it. Alicia felt for her, even now, but she couldn’t ever forgive her for manipulating her own situation – or, more hurtfully, Justin’s – to her own ends.
‘I have to talk to Justin,’ she said, still not able to even look at her.
‘He’s not coming in then?’ Jessica asked.
‘No, Jessica. Are you surprised?’ Letting herself out, Alicia steeled herself for the questions Justin was bound to have. She hoped this time she would be able to answer coherently, and that he would be able to listen. If there was one good thing that had come from her confrontation with Jessica, she supposed it was that she was determined now to tell Justin everything.
Breathing deeply as she approached his car, she pulled open the passenger door and slipped inside.
‘Thanks,’ Justin said, glancing in her direction. ‘For coming out.’
‘You shouldn’t have left the hospital, Justin,’ Alicia ventured, after an awkward second. ‘Your wounds won’t be healed yet.’
Justin grimaced. ‘No, they won’t, not for a good while, I imagine.’
His tone wasn’t caustic or reproachful. If anything, it was subdued. ‘There are some things I need to ask you.’ He turned towards her, his eyes cautiously scanning hers. ‘I was hoping you could answer me honestly. If you can’t… well, then I suppose I’ll have my answer.’
Nodding, Alicia closed her eyes. She would give him honest answers, however ludicrous they sounded. She would have her answer, too, then, to the question she’d asked herself over and over: Would he have believed her?
‘You said you’d been drinking.’ He tugged in a breath, closing his own eyes briefly, Alicia noticed, possibly because of the pain in his chest. ‘Were you drunk?’ he asked, looking back at her.
‘Very,’ Alicia said, as she remembered it.
Justin waited a beat, then, ‘Not drugged?’ he asked tightly.
The question hit Alicia like a thunderclap, instantly propelling her back there, to the hotel room where she’d woken up to the unfamiliar smell of Paul Radley – a cloying mixture of body odour, bitter lemons and alcohol – with only jagged memories of how she’d got there. She felt again the peculiar bruises on her body that she’d had to hide. The reason she’d lied and then compounded her lies.
‘I… don’t know. I…’ she faltered. ‘I honestly don’t remember. I’ve tried. I’ve gone over it a million times trying to remember, but I don’t. I recall being at the bar. People drifting off. After that, nothing apart from hazy images, until the next morning.’
‘Jesus Christ!’ Justin said, pushing the heels of his hands hard against the steering wheel and dropping his head back against the headrest.
A heavy minute ticked by. Alicia was sure she could hear her heart beating, the rustle of the leaves on the wind outside.
‘Why didn’t you report him, Alicia?’ he asked throatily. He turned towards her when she didn’t answer.
Her mouth dry, her throat parched, Alicia met his gaze. Here was the crucial question, the absurdity of the choice she’d felt she had to make. ‘You asked if I was drugged?’ she said, as calmly as she could.
Justin looked confused.
‘Would it have made any difference if I wasn’t? she asked him. ‘If I was only drunk, would that have meant it shouldn’t have happened? That I could have stopped it in some way?’
‘No,’ Justin said categorically. ‘I’m just trying to establish the facts, Alicia. I’m not judging you.’
‘Aren’t you?’ Alicia studied him. ‘What would you have done, Justin? Knowing you might not be believed, what would you have done?’
Justin raked his hands through his hair. ‘You went back, Alicia. You saw him again. That’s the part I’m struggling with. Make me understand. For Christ’s sake, I need to. Tell me.’
Alicia swallowed, seeing the look in Paul Radley’s eyes as clear as day: dark, intent, calculating. He’d told her she’d been insatiable. Justin would never have to find out, he’d said, gliding his hand down her back as she’d groped desperately for her clothes, sending a shudder of utter repulsion right through her. Though she’d had no idea what had happened between the bar and the hotel room – in the hotel room – she’d known with absolute certainty that he’d meant Justin would find out. She’d questioned herself over and over since, guilt overriding her anger, doubt clouding her recollection. But she had known. Justin’s world had been falling apart, and, if she didn’t agree to his terms, Paul Radley would make sure it did. How in God’s name was she ever going to explain that, she’d thought then. She’d been young, naive, stupid, ashamed. Terrified. Finally, she’d been pregnant. No way to tell, no way to make anyone believe she hadn’t known how to say no.
Alicia glanced down and then back, making sure to hold Justin’s eyes this time. ‘He threatened to tell you,’ she said. ‘Obviously, it would have been his version of events. When he went abroad, I thought everything might be all right.’ She felt a tear wet her cheek and didn’t bother this time to wipe it away. ‘I prayed it would be, every day and every night. I was wrong. I lied. And now I’m being punished. I only have the word sorry, Justin. There’s no other way to tell you how I feel.’
Justin stared at her, a myriad of emotions in his eyes: incomprehension, shock and pure, unadulterated rage.
He didn’t respond initially, dropping his gaze and pressing his thumb hard against his forehead instead. And then, ‘You should go back in,’ he said gutturally, twisting to start the engine. ‘I have to go.’
‘Go? Go where?’ Fear gripped Alicia’s stomach. ‘Justin! Where do you have to go?’ she asked frantically.
Justin breathed hard. ‘To finish the job.’
‘Justin, no.’ Cold foreboding sweeping through her, Alicia clutched his arm, immediately reliving the sickening impact on that dark day, when their little boy had been taken from them. ‘Please…’ she begged him. ‘Don’t, Justin. You’re not well. Please, just let him go. I want him out of my life. Out of our lives. If you do this, he won’t ever be, don’t you see?’
Searching his face, she waited, her heart palpitating manically as she watched him suck in a long breath. ‘You should have reported him,’ he said hoarsely
. ‘You should have told me, Alicia. You should have been able to. Fuck!’ He slammed his hand against the steering wheel.
Alicia caught hold of his hand as he moved it again to his forehead. ‘I should have,’ she said hesitantly. ‘I know, now, that I could have.’
He looked at her, his eyes awash with tears. ‘Jesus, Alicia.’ He gulped hard, ‘I am so sorry.’ Moving his hand tentatively to her face, he grazed his thumb gently across her cheek. ‘So sorry.’
‘Don’t be,’ Alicia said, pressing her forehead to his. ‘We don’t have time for any more regrets. We have to find Sophie.’
Blowing out a ragged breath, Justin nodded. ‘Can we talk more?’ he asked her hesitantly. ‘Just generally, I mean,’ he added quickly, clearly noticing her uncertainty.
She wanted to talk to him, so badly wanted to reach out to him, for him to reach out to her and talk about all they were going through. Even to lie silently next to him, rest her head on his chest and listen to the reassuring thrum of his heart – that’s when she’d always felt safest, able to shut out the world and all the bad things in it – would salve the raw pain inside her. To delve into this, though, to relive the memories she’d tried so hard to forget… She wasn’t sure she would be able to do that.
‘I don’t need the detail, Ali,’ he said. ‘I’d like to think you could talk to me, but only if you wanted to.’
Smiling tremulously, Alicia nodded. She hadn’t been wrong about this man. She hadn’t been wrong to love him completely.
Justin reached to wipe another errant tear from her cheek. ‘We’ll find her,’ he said softly. ‘If you don’t want to be at the house, I get that, but…’ He paused. ‘I miss you, Alicia. Come back to me.’
Alicia’s heartbeat picked up in a different way as she saw the hopeful look in his eyes. Nodding again, she hesitated for the briefest second and then pressed her lips softly to his, possibly giving him a very snotty kiss.
The Affair_A gripping psychological thriller with a shocking twist Page 23