“Beer is great,” I say, sitting down. He sits down as well. “Beer before liquor, never sicker, isn’t that what they say. That’ll stop me from drinking too much and doing something I’ll regret.”
He tilts his head. “Do you have many of those?”
“Regrets?”
“Or mistakes,” he says, a small smile on his face but his eyes darken with what looks like uncertainty. I realize he’s thinking about our night together.
I take a gulp of the beer. “I have enough.”
He gazes away from me and sips from his beer.
Cindy comes crashing toward us with the exuberance of an addict on crack. “There’s my two lovelies!” I give her a quick hug and she sits down. Todd pushes what looks like some sort of a non-alcoholic spritzer toward her. She takes it and sips. “Thanks, Todd. You’re the best.”
We order a plate of potato wedges and a blooming onion. I tell them about the hospital, Sam’s wedding, and Las Vegas. When I talk about Martee and the man she brought back to the hotel room, Cindy laughs but Todd frowns.
“She shouldn’t have done that,” he says. “She was putting both of you in danger.”
“Oh, come on, Todd.” Cindy pushes his shoulder. “Like you never got drunk and had a one night stand?”
For the briefest second, he glances at me, his face turning bright red.
“Told you so,” Cindy says. “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, mister.”
Cindy tells me about her husband’s trip to the ER for a hernia and her son’s acceptance to Harvard. Todd talks about Kaelyn’s role as the Sugar Plum Fairy in The Nutcracker and how she’s struggling with math. He doesn’t talk about Destiny.
As we finish the last of our appetizers Todd leans back. The alcohol adds some pink to his cheeks. He seems relaxed. I feel the urge to sit on his lap and wrap my legs around him. I want to taste his lips and show him I don’t believe in Destiny—I make my own future.
But I don’t. I know better now.
As our dishes are cleared away, we all stand. Cindy offers me her guest room for the night. I follow her to her car. Todd walks with us, keeping watch for violent drunks. His protectiveness is flattering.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Cindy,” he says.
“Yep” She grins at him. “You’ll be hung-over and I’ll have to keep you upright.”
As she gets into the driver’s seat, Todd turns to me. He hugs me and kisses my cheek. I put my hands on the small of his back and enjoy the faint smell of cedar on his skin. He steps back but his hand lingers on my arm.
“I’m really proud of you,” he says. “Everything you’ve accomplished is incredibly impressive. I was sorry to lose you.”
Lose me as your pharmacist partner or as someone you could spend your life with? I don’t let those thoughts out.
“Your mentoring helped me become who I am,” I say. “So, I owe you.”
“I only gave you some direction. You’re the one who pushed yourself to become who you wanted to be.”
“Thanks. That means a lot.”
He leans in and kisses my cheek again. “Good night, Kate. Please come visit again.”
He turns and walks back toward the bar. I wish I could go with him because being in his arms feels right. It feels like home.
Turning I walk into the night. I am going to make my own home and become the person I really do want to be—strong and independent.
Chapter 7: Two Years Later
Within a few months I become the Assistant Director of the pharmacy at Bryant Hospital. A year later, the hospital director tells me there is an opening for a Pharmacy Director position at Chapman Hospital in Drexton. She doesn’t want to lose me but thinks I should jump for the opportunity. I think she’s right. I interview and am offered the job a week later. I move back to Drexton. My life is becoming more than I could ever dream of but I still feel a bit disconnected from the world.
Sam and Ahanna adopted a nine-month-old boy named Hayden, and Sam is here visiting with him for the first time. I take them to a restaurant called Nicky’s Choice where children under the age of ten eat free. Two minutes after the waitress serves our food, Hayden has pulled apart his grilled cheese and spread melted cheese all over the table. Sam cleans his hands with a wipe and puts the sandwich back together.
“Pretty chaotic in the Cuthbert-Berne household now, huh?” I ask.
“You have no idea,” Sam says. “It’s like the war on drugs, but instead of drug prevention and intervention, I’m trying to prevent him from eating inedible objects and grabbing every sharp object he can find.” She smiles at me. She looks tired but has a new tranquil aura around her. It’s as if all her chaotic energy was caused by her having an unconnected electrical circuit. Being a wife and child seems to complete the circuit.
“Do you feel like you were always meant to be a parent?” I ask.
“No.” She picks up Hayden and sets him on her lap. He claps his hands against the plastic table. “But I love this kid more than I could ever describe. He’s my Heaven, Earth, and Hell. All wrapped into this tiny body.”
She tickles him and he laughs hysterically. Sam’s cell phone rings. She glances at the number. “It’s work. We’re studying the effects of a new cancer drug with some mice. Can you take him for a second?”
She hands me Hayden and grabs her phone. She leaves the table before I can say anything. I hold Hayden out at arm’s length. He stops laughing and his lower lip trembles. He opens his mouth and a noise that could break the sound barrier comes out.
I pull him close my chest and rub his back like I’ve seen mothers do. He continues to scream. Everyone at the restaurant stares at me. I’m about to start screaming when a man walks up to the table. It’s Todd.
“You need to rock him.” He holds out his hands and I give him the baby. He wraps both his arms under Hayden and holds the baby against his chest. He sways back and forth. At first, it doesn’t seem to be working. Hayden continues to scream, but then his screaming slows and an inquisitive look overcomes his face. He reaches up and pats Todd’s cheek. Todd glances at me. “I was pretty frazzled when I first became a parent too.”
“Oh! No, he’s not mine. “He’s Sam’s. I mean, she adopted him.”
He continues to rock as if he’s forgotten he’s even doing it. “Do you want to try to hold him anyway?”
I shake my head. “I’ve never been good with kids.”
“I wouldn’t say that.” He nods to his left. I look over to see Kaelyn sitting in one of the booths. She sees me, bounces over to us, and throws her arms around me. She seems to have grown a foot since I last saw her.
“Hey, Kaelyn. Look at you. You look almost like a teenager.”
“I will be in one more year,” she says.
“Wow, Time goes by so fast.”
“You’re telling me,” Todd mutters. “She already has celebrity crushes. I’m praying that she doesn’t latch onto boys she knows for another four years.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen. I had my first crush when I was eleven.”
I glance at the table where they had been sitting.
“Where’s Destiny?” I ask.
His brow furrows. “Destiny? “Oh. Destiny. We broke up about…two years ago.”
“Really? Why?” I bite my lip as soon as I say it. I shouldn’t ask.
But Todd shrugs. “I had to cut one of our dates early because my little girl was sick.” He wraps one of his arms around Kaelyn without jostling Hayden. “Destiny had a tantrum, thought I should pay more attention to her than my daughter. I told her that would never happen, so we went our separate ways.”
“Wow, that is insane. I can’t believe she would think that you would put her before your daughter.”
“She was the b-word,” Kaelyn pipes up.
“Kaelyn!” Todd scowls.
Sam walks back up to the table. She points to Todd. “Why is he holding my child?”
“Because apparently I make babi
es panic. “Sam, do you remember Todd?”
“Todd?” Her eyes widen. “Old boss Todd! Hey!” She takes Hayden back into her arms. His head rests on her shoulder.
“I hope she means ‘old’ as in previous and not old as in my age,” Todd says.
“Actually, you are now her previous, previous boss,” Sam says. “Your protégé is now the Pharmacy Director at Chapman.”
“Whoa!” Todd wraps his arms around me and gives me a big hug. “That’s amazing! You’re even bigger than me now. That’s incredible! I shouldn’t be surprised. I always knew you would do great things. Your boyfriend must be so proud.”
I wonder if he’s saying that to find out if I have an attachment. My face heats, but I answer, “There’s no one in my life. I’m too busy with taking care of the pharmacy.”
“You two should go out,” Sam says. I glare at her. She smiles. “What? It’s just a suggestion.”
I glance at Todd, getting ready to apologize for Sam and tell him she doesn’t get out enough. But Todd is gazes at me with such adoration, the words catch in my throat. “I would love to catch up with you,” I admit.
“I would love that too,” he says.
“I’ll give you my number.” I grab my bag to search for a pen and piece of paper.
“I still have it. If it’s still the same.”
“All right then. When do you…want to go out?”
“How about tonight?” he asks sounding hopeful. “What’s a good time for you?”
“Um…anytime after five,” I say even though I have no plans for the day.
We agree on Todd picking me up at five-thirty. I am already nervous and shaking inside. I hope it doesn’t show.
He smiles and walks back to his table with Kaelyn. Sam looks like she’s about to explode with happiness. Instead, she grabs my arm with her other arm still firmly around Hayden. “After we eat, we have to find you the most amazing outfit. I can feel it, Kate. He’s the one. Mr. Right.”
I feel it too, but I don’t want to jinx anything. My luck has been so bad I worry that this is another mistake.” Hayden stretches his small arms as he wakes up. He blinks as his eyes adjust to the lights. I empathize with him. Everything suddenly seems blindingly brighter.
●
I find the perfect little black dress. It’s short with straps that slip over my shoulder and cross over my back. It shows more skin than I’m used to, but I’ve never felt more comfortable in my body. The restaurant Todd and I decided on is Miguel’s Favorites, a family owned restaurant that’s quite sophisticated. It’s near where I live now. I arrive early and give the hostess Todd’s name. She leads me to a table in the back.
Todd is wearing black slacks, a sky-blue button-up shirt, black vest, and a sports jacket. His eyes widen as he sees me. He stands, his leg banging against the table. Our laughs are filled with nervous energy. He hugs me, his fingertips brushing against the skin on my back. We sit down.
“Would you like to order something to drink?” the hostess asks. She sets the menus down in front of us. Todd glances at me.
“Um, hmm…could we try some of the La Crema?” I ask. She nods and turns to Todd. He orders the same.
“Excellent choice,” she says, pivoting on her heel and walking away. I flip open the menu.
“You look really beautiful tonight,” Todd says. “I mean, I’ve always thought you were beautiful, but tonight you look…radiant.”
“Thank you,” I mumble my cheeks burning. He continues to sneak peeks at me over his menu. I can’t be annoyed because I peek at him too. The blue of his shirt brings out the blue in his eyes. I can’t help but think how many layers of clothes I need to pull off him to feel the muscles in his chest.
“A waitress in all black pops up in front of our table. “Good evening. My name is Christina. I will be your waitress tonight. Are you ready to order?”
I randomly pick the first thing off the menu that catches my eye. “Could I have…the linguine with white clam sauce?” She jots it down onto her pad and turns to Todd.
“Um, I’ll try the Calabrese steak.”
We hand our menus to Christina. As she leaves, I raise my eyebrow at him.
“What?” he asks.
“You seemed unsure what to order. It’s not often that I see you uncertain.”
“Well…” He leans closer toward me. “I was going to order the linguine with red clam sauce, but I thought it’d be too creepy if our orders were so similar.”
I laugh. “Since you made such a valiant sacrifice, I’ll share some of my linguine with you.”
He smiles. “And I’ll share some of my steak with you.”
I lean forward until our faces are only a couple of inches away. I press my lips against his and let myself remember every part of his mouth. His tongue slips between my lips and brushes across my mouth. I feel more intoxicated than any alcohol could ever make me.
He leans away from me, a big smile on his face. “Wow. Better than I remember.”
“You remember that night?” I ask a little surprised. “I would have thought alcohol and time would have dimmed your memory.”
“Kate, I remember every minute I ever spent with you.” He touches the back of my hand. “I have always had feelings for you, but I didn’t want to make you feel pressured into doing anything or force you to deal with being involved with a single father.”
“I love Kaelyn,” I say.
“I know. She’s the most amazing person. But look at how Destiny reacted to her. I know you’re nothing like Destiny, but that’s how my relationships have been since I divorced. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to compromise. I wanted you to be as happy as you could possibly be.”
“What changed your mind and led us to this restaurant?”
“Letting you go made me realize I couldn’t let you go again that easily. I guess I’m just selfish.”
“You’re allowed to be a little selfish.” Reaching out I touch the back of his hand. He turns his hand so he can hold my fingers.
Our dinners come, hot and rich. We eat, sharing our food, and linger over our wine. Todd reaches out and wipes a touch of sauce from my mouth. He takes his thumb back to his mouth and licks it, smiling. My heart races and I grab a sip of wine to cool me down again.
We catch up with each other’s lives over the past two years. My time has been filled with my career. Todd centers his world around raising his daughter. This is the first time in ages either of us has done something for ourselves.
Todd glances at the clock. “I have to go pick up Kaelyn. Can I walk you home?”
“I’d love that,” I say. He insists on paying the tab, but promises I can pay for the next date. I like the idea of a next time. But I have a feeling that he’s lying about letting me pay. However, I’m okay with that lie. We laugh as we walk to my apartment and it reminds me of the night we slept together. I almost feel sad when we reach my doorstep.
“Kate?” He looks so serious. He tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. “Could I see you again?”
My pulse quickens and suddenly I can’t seem to breathe. “Of course,” I say and try to make a joke. “I need to pay for one of our dates.”
He grins. “That’s true. At least I know I get one more date with you.”
“Maybe a few more after that.” I smile and put a hand on his arm. He steps closer. I wrap my arms around his neck. He feels solid and warm. My heart is pounding. We kiss. It’s the same as the kiss at the dinner table, slow and sensual, but at the same time it’s completely different. I know every kiss is going to be a new experience that I’ll never take for granted. When he pulls back I let out a long breath.
Todd kisses me on the cheek, a soft brush of his lips that sets my skin tingling. He steps back. “Good night, Kate. I can’t wait until I see you again.”
I’m dizzy and hate to say the words but I know I need to take this slow. “Good night, Todd.” His fingertips linger on my arm for a second longer until he seems to tear himself away. As he
walks toward the stairs, he keeps glancing back. I watch him until he disappears down the stairwell.
Unlocking my apartment I dance inside, my heart filled with so much joy I can’t contain it. I whoop and twirl around my living room. After a few minutes, I collapse onto my bed with the biggest smile on my face. This is what happiness feels like. This is what I’ve been missing. There’s no pretense, no sinking feelings, no walking on eggshells. There’s just love. But I’m not going to rush anything. This time I’m going in with my eyes open and certain of my heart.
I fall asleep, still smiling.
●
My office in the hospital seems like it would be too small to hold a desk but somehow it fits a mahogany desk, a chair, a bookcase and a filing cabinet. After a month of having to slide against the wall to get to my chair, I chose to sit on my desk and work by pinning papers to a corkboard on the wall. I’ve gotten more than a few critical looks from surgeons and the Board of Trustees, but my work remains immaculate so what can they say?
I pin up a piece of paper that talks about a Melafind optical scanner. It helps doctors detect melanoma, but each session costs up to two hundred dollars and isn’t covered by insurance. I’m not sure how many people will be willing to have a procedure done for that kind of money.
A knock on my door interrupts.
“Come in!” I yell. The door swings open and misses my desk by inches. Todd sidles inside. He’s holding a ceramic vase with a bouquet of yellow dahlias. Glancing around he asks, “What is this? The closet of a closet?”
“Don’t insult my office. It has big dreams of turning into a store room closet one day.”
He hands me the vase. I smell the spicy sweetness of the dahlias. “They’re beautiful.” I remember I told Sam I didn’t like roses anymore because of Adam. These flowers are utterly different. They’re not a request for forgiveness or an attempt to be a movie-script romantic. They’re a gift just for the sake of giving.
“I know how dreary hospitals can be, so I thought you could use some color.” He leans against my desk. “I hadn’t thought you might not have room for them.”
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