by Austin Bates
“Looking for you!” Jules gasped. “Help me down, would you?”
“Um… hold on,” Rick said, disappearing into the boat.
He emerged a moment later with a thin ladder and leaned it against the rock. He braced his end. Jules turned around carefully, stepping onto the ladder. It bent under his weight, and he winced. He scooched down the ladder quickly; it wasn’t far to the water, but beneath the glittering surface he saw miniature versions of the jagged island. The last thing he needed was to smash himself on the rocks out in the middle of nowhere. He made it to the boat and let out a breath he hadn’t known he held and collapsed onto his back.
“Jesus,” he groaned. “What are you doing out here? Do you know that you’ve got half the freaking country looking for you?”
“Um… yeah, I know,” Rick said, his voice small.
“So?”
“I, um… I’m cooking. Come on down.”
Rick disappeared into the boat. There was something different about him, but Jules couldn’t put his finger on it. He was so relieved to find him alive that he didn’t question it too much. He followed Rick into the boat.
The smell of food cooking distracted him for a moment. Fatigue and hunger were clouding his mind, and he couldn’t seem to concentrate. He sat at the tiny table by the kitchen, watching Rick’s back as he stirred something on the stove.
“You’re a hard man to find,” Jules told him.
Rick shrugged and kept stirring.
“Are you going to tell me why you’re hiding?”
Rick shrugged again.
“Dammit, Rick, talk to me! I have spent three months looking for you, we’ve got P.I.s retracing your steps, the cops have been all over every town between here and Georgia, your fans are flooding the office with well-meaning spam, every ambiguously brown man in his twenties has been accused of being you, and you’re just chilling out here in the middle of a freaking lake. What the hell happened?”
Rick didn’t say anything. His shoulders shook, and a momentary flash of anger blinded Jules. What the hell was he laughing at? Rick sniffled, and Jules realized that he had misinterpreted the emotional outburst. He pushed away from the table and walked around it, held Rick by the shoulders, and turned him to face him.
Rick’s face was awash in tears. His baggy sweatshirt made him seem smaller than ever, and Jules pulled him close.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I’ve been driving myself crazy worrying about you. Please tell me what happened.”
Rick pulled away with a shuddering sigh. His lower lip trembled, and he lifted the hem of his sweatshirt, hesitating. Jules watched him, not understanding. With a sob, Rick pulled the shirt over his head and threw it to the ground, revealing his new, round shape. His pecs had swollen into tiny breasts, and his belly was a tight, round ball. Jules stared in shock, and Rick began to cry in earnest.
“You… are you…?”
“Pregnant,” Rick said miserably. “That’s why I left. You don’t like kids, you said so, and we’re not even together because I said so, and the whole thing’s just a mess.”
Jules couldn’t believe what he was hearing, what he was seeing. Rick was pregnant. How had that happened? He’d been so sure he couldn’t father children. He’d been absolutely certain. He and Steven had never had so much as a scare, and they’d been together for a year. He wondered briefly if it was someone else’s, but immediately dismissed the idea. Rick wasn’t exactly the most social person in the world, and Jules had been with him virtually every second of every day until he’d gone missing.
“How far along are you?” he asked dumbly.
“Almost four months,” Rick said. “It must’ve happened that first night.”
“First night,” Jules repeated.
He gingerly placed his hand on Rick’s belly. It was warm, warmer than the rest of his skin. The belly moved under his hand, and he pulled away quickly.
“Was that the baby?” he asked in an awed whisper.
“Yeah,” Rick said, laughing through his tears. “It’s an active one.”
Jules was overwhelmed. His throat tightened, and he swallowed uselessly against his tears. They spilled down his cheeks, and he threw his arms around Rick.
“We’re gonna be parents,” he laughed.
“But… but I thought…”
“That I don’t like kids? Yeah, yeah. I don’t. But I love you. I mean, I… I care about you, and I….”
“No, no, say that again!” Rick said desperately, pulling back sharply to look into Jules’ eyes. “You love me?”
“I….”
Jules shrugged helplessly.
“You’ve been all I’ve thought about since I walked into your cabin that first day. I couldn’t give up the search, not when the P.I. did, not when the police told me it was too late, not when Ernest told me to move on. I can’t get you out of my head. You drive me absolutely insane, but… I kind of enjoy the insanity.”
Rick smiled and sobbed, leaning heavily against him.
“I… I don’t even know what that means,” he whispered. “I’m not good at the whole love thing.”
“Honestly? Me, neither. What Steven and I had… it wasn’t love. It was surrogate parenting, and it took a long time for me to see that.”
“So… I’m socially dysfunctional, you’re emotionally dumb, and we’re supposed to parent a baby?”
“We can do it,” Jules said confidently. “You’ll read all the books, and I’ll ask all the experts, and between the two of us we’ll figure it out.”
He squeezed Rick and stepped back.
“For now, though, your food is burning and I’ve got a country full of people to talk to.”
“You’re going to tell them where I am?” Rick asked, panicking.
“No, just that you’re safe,” Jules said, pulling his phone out of his pocket.
He tapped the screen and nothing happened. He groaned.
“I’m an idiot,” he hissed under his breath. “Guess it’ll have to wait. You don’t have a phone here, do you?”
“No,” Rick said, shaking his head. “I was going to get one in a couple of months, just in case something happened with the baby, but for now I’m really just trying to hide out.”
“Have you been to a doctor?”
Rick nodded.
“I go out once a month for supplies. I see the doctor then.”
“Good,” Jules said. “How do you get out? The houseboat can’t make it up that waterfall, can it?”
“No,” Rick said. “I go out the other way.”
“There’s another way?”
“Yeah. I’ll show you after we eat. Sit down, I’ll get it for you.”
Jules sat. Rick filled two bowls with a hearty-looking stew, which was exactly what Jules needed after his harrowing adventure across the lake.
“You need new clothes,” Rick said. “You must be freezing, I’m sorry. Hold on.”
He scurried away down a little hallway and returned a few moments later with a set of sweats.
“Here,” he said, blushing. “You’ll probably fit. I’ve been wearing a few sizes bigger lately.”
Jules changed quickly, tossing his soaked clothes into the sink. Dry and full, his brain began working again. He noticed how Rick’s face had widened slightly, how his eyes had a permanent sparkle. He noticed how he walked, a little more fluidly, without his trademark slouch. He was positively glowing, and Jules had never seen anything more beautiful.
“So,” Rick said, leaning back in his seat. “What happens now? Is the company going to sue me for breach of contract?”
“Depends,” Jules said with a small smile. “Did you breach your contract?”
“Well… I didn’t finish the tour.”
“I cancelled the tour before you disappeared,” Jules pointed out. “That was a cooperative decision. Are you still writing?”
“Oh! Yes. Actually I’m nearly finished with the Luther book I promised.”
“Excellent! No breach there. Have you submitted your work to any agents or publishers apart from me?”
“No.”
“Then no harm done. We’re good. Honestly, honey, I’m just glad you’re safe.”
Rick blushed at the pet name and played with his spoon.
“I’m sorry I worried you,” he said. “I should have handled it differently.”
“You should have,” Jules agreed. “Would have saved me an ulcer and a sleep disorder. But you behaved exactly the way I would have expected you to behave. I don’t mean that to sound mean. You have an overactive adrenaline response, and it’s dialed all the way to the ‘flight’ setting. It’s how you do. I know that, I’ve known that since I started working with you. Ernest told me, when I signed you on, that I’d be spending half my career pulling you out of caves. Metaphorically… or literally, I guess—he had a client who would literally hole up in caves when the pressure was on—and he wasn’t wrong.”
Rick shifted uncomfortably in his chair, looking ashamed. Jules touched his hand reassuringly.
“I was too hard on you,” he said gently. “I expected too much. I expected you to be able to do things my way if you wanted to. I’m a bit of a narcissist, it’s something I’ve been working on lately. I’m coming to understand that you need things that I’ll never need. Now that you’re pregnant, that’s doubly true.”
“Unless you get pregnant sometime,” Rick pointed out with a small grin.
“Not likely,” Jules laughed. “I’m not usually much of a… taker.”
“Oh,” Rick said, embarrassed.
There was a long silence as Rick spun his spoon.
“So what does happen now?” he asked.
“Now, I say we get some sleep… I’m exhausted from paddling across the lake… and we handle the rest of everything tomorrow.”
“Okay,” Rick said, chewing his lip. “Just… are you sure you aren’t angry with me?”
“I might be,” Jules sighed. “I don’t know. Right now, I’m relieved and excited and tired. That’s two more feelings than I’m used to identifying at any one time. If I add any more, I’m gonna blow a fuse. Bed or couch? For me, I mean. You get the bed.”
Rick chewed his lip some more, thinking it over.
“Bed, if we’re just going to be sleeping in it. I’m not feeling real… romantic these days.”
“Sounds good,” Jules said. “I’ve missed sleeping next to you.”
“Really?”
“Really.” Jules winked at Rick and cleared the dishes from the table.
As they readied themselves for bed, Rick found himself growing increasingly uncomfortable with Jules in his space. He’d grown accustomed to his solitude over the last few months; he had even come to treasure it. There was something more, something about Jules’ sudden familiarity that set his teeth on edge. When he’d said those words… those three powerful little words… a bubble of condensed emotion had burst in his chest, and he’d mirrored what Jules had expressed. But now; now that the high from seeing Jules had levelled out and the rush had dissipated, he felt vulnerable and claustrophobic.
He considered, for a moment, retracting his offer and making Jules sleep on the couch. Guilt kept him from voicing his reservations; Jules had spent so much time and energy searching for him, not to mention his ordeal that afternoon, that Rick felt as though he owed him.
They crawled into bed, and Rick curled up on his side, keeping a significant buffer zone between him and Jules. Jules didn’t seem to get the message. He cuddled up to Rick, rubbing his belly, kissing his neck.
“Jules, I want to go to sleep,” Rick said.
“You must be tired from all that baby making,” Jules said, grinding against him.
“Yeah. So… knock it off.”
“Knock what off?” Jules asked, sliding his hands down Rick’s belly, splaying his fingers over Rick’s hips.
Rick grabbed his hands and pushed them away.
“I told you before, I’m not up to this right now.”
“Give me a chance to change your mind,” Jules whispered huskily, nibbling on Rick’s ear.
“I don’t want you to change my mind, I want to go to sleep!”
Rick scooted away until he was perched on the edge of the bed.
“I’ve missed you,” Jules said, running his fingers down Rick’s spine. “I’ve missed you terribly. Come over here, let me show you what you mean to me.”
“I obviously don’t mean enough,” Rick snapped.
Jules drew his hand back.
“What?”
Rick slid off the bed, snatching his pillow. He pulled a blanket from a cupboard and stormed toward the door.
“Where are you going?” Jules asked.
“The couch,” Rick snarled. “Don’t follow me.”
He threw the pillow on the couch furiously, following it with the blanket. He sat down heavily on the couch and began to cry. Jules followed him.
“Did I do something wrong?” he asked, confused.
“I told you not to follow me!” Rick screamed, throwing the pillow at him.
“Jesus, what is the matter with you? I’m sorry, alright? Come back to bed.”
“No! Leave me alone.”
“What the hell is your problem?”
“You! You are my problem! Why did you even come out here? Go away!”
Anger bubbled in Jules’ chest. Hormones, he told himself. It’s gotta be the hormones. He reigned in his temper and set his mind to fixing it.
“Rick,” he said gently. “You’ll rest better in bed. Come with me. I’ll make you some tea.”
“I don’t want tea. I don’t want to go to bed with you. I just want you to leave me alone!”
“Why?”
“Just go, dammit!”
Rick was bawling now, utterly hysterical. He knew he looked crazy, and he didn’t care. Crazy or not, he was allowed to have boundaries, and Jules insisted on pressing through them, again and again.
Jules glared and threw up his hands in frustration. He stomped to the bedroom and slammed the door. Rick buried his face in his pillow and sobbed.
Chapter Seventeen
Jules awoke the next morning to the smell of coffee. He hadn’t slept well; he’d glared into the dark for hours, angrily replaying the conversation in his mind until he’d worked himself up into an indignant froth. His dreams had consisted of Rick begging for help, then, as soon as Jules reached him, Rick would kick him off a cliff. He was tense and his eyes felt gritty. He wanted to fight.
Rick’s mood wasn’t any better. He shoved coffee and cereal at Jules with icy silence and ate at the counter while Jules sat at the table. The silence between them was heavy and cold, and it grated on Jules’ nerves. He hadn’t done anything wrong, from his perspective, and he wasn’t about to sit through the silent treatment for no good reason. He was just inhaling to demand an explanation when Rick spoke.
“I’ll take you to town today,” Rick said. “I have a manuscript, you can take it with you. No internet service out here. I will send all subsequent manuscripts through the mail.”
“Wait, wait, wait, hold on. You expect me to leave? Without you.”
“Yep.”
“Not happening.”
Rick tensed up, his eyes flashing dangerously. He took a deep, cleansing breath, then relaxed his face.
“Yes. It is happening. I am contracted to send you one book per year. I can do that from here. There’s no reason for us to be in constant contact, and I’m sure the publicity from my disappearance will keep word of mouth alive longer than a complete tour would have. I’m not leaving. You, however, are.”
“What? No. What about the baby?”
“I’ll send you pictures and updates,” Rick said coldly. “You don’t need to worry about anything else. I’ll handle it.”
Jules stared in disbelief. The tired, grungy anger he’d woken up with shattered, giving way to a desperate rage.
“No,” he shouted, pushing away
from the table, sending his chair crashing to the floor. “You can’t do that, Rick, that’s my baby too!”
“Not legally,” Rick said, his face an emotionless mask. “Legally, the kid’s mine. The houseboat’s mine. You aren’t entitled to anyone or anything in this space.”
Something snapped in Jules’ mind. He took a step toward Rick, who flinched. For some reason, that made him even angrier.
“I’m not leaving,” he snarled. “So you can just put this hormonal tantrum away.”
“Tantrum?” Rick gasped. “This isn’t a tantrum, and it’s not hormones!”
“Then what the hell is it?”
“It’s you! You keep pushing and pushing even when I explicitly tell you no, you just keep coming.”
“What are you even talking about?”
“Last night! I told you I wasn’t in the mood. I specifically told you I didn’t want to have sex, and you kept pushing! I specifically told you not to follow me, and you followed me! Now I’m telling you to leave, and you’re digging in your heels!”
“Because I love you!”
“No!” Rick exploded. “This isn’t about love, this is about control. If you loved me, if you really loved me, you would have respected my space. You didn’t. You crossed the damn country, trespassed on my property, cut through all my defenses, and once you were inside? You didn’t stop. You just keep coming, closer and closer, and you need to stop!”
“How is that not love? I put my whole life on hold to find you. You’re carrying my kid. Are you telling me that you’re this upset because I wanted to make love to the person carrying my child?”
“This isn’t about how you felt, this is about what you did.”
“It’s the same thing!”
“No, dammit, it isn’t. If you’re horny you can jack off, your baby does not qualify as an all-access pass to my ass!”
Jules seethed.
“You are unbelievable,” he growled. “Fine. You win. I’ll leave. But this isn’t over. I’m getting custody of that baby.”
“On what grounds?”
“Seriously? You’re obviously unstable. No judge in the world will deny me.”
“Go to hell, Jules.”
“Been there. For three months.”
Jules turned on his heel and stomped out to the deck. He paced, dragging his fingers through his hair. Ridiculous. Rick was being utterly ridiculous. Of course they had to raise the kid together, that’s what parents did! He wasn’t about to be the deadbeat dad. That was not in his life plan. He’d never planned on kids specifically, but he’d known if it ever happened that he would step up. Why was Rick being so goddamn uncooperative? It didn’t make any sense. Rick couldn’t handle being a single parent, he’d lose his mind. Why wasn’t he letting Jules help?