‘You bet we are coming!’ Dad says. ‘We wouldn’t miss it, would we, love?’
‘Course not,’ Mum says, and this time her eyes do find my face, her steady gaze making me look down as she studies the bruise. Dad brings over plates piled high with steaming-hot food.
‘What a treat,’ Mum says. She doesn’t sound like she means it.
Gracie talks for us all through dinner, giving me a minute-by-minute catch-up on the zoo. The food is good, hot and homemade; I’ve been craving vegetables and didn’t even realise it. The kitchen window steams up and for a little while it feels cosy, safe in there, You could almost forget that everything has fallen apart.
You could if it wasn’t for the fact that Mum barely touches her food, and that she is restless and anxious, her eyes constantly straying to the door.
‘Back in a second,’ she says as soon as Dad clears the plates away.
‘There’s pudding,’ Dad calls after, ‘Sticky toffee!’
‘Back in a second!’ she repeats, this time her voice comes from the top of the stairs.
‘Everything’s OK now, Red,’ Gracie says suddenly touching her hand to my cheek. ‘Everything’s fine.’
I look at Dad, and he turns away from me.
‘Course it is, kiddo,’ I say. ‘Course it is. It always will be while I’m around.’
Mum didn’t come back down for dessert, so it’s me sitting on the floor next to Gracie’s bed, my head leaning against second-best teddy as she drifts off to sleep, her small hand in mine, holding fast in case I have any ideas about leaving her to sleep alone.
As it happens, I don’t really feel like going anywhere. The adrenaline that has kept me going must be draining away now, leaving trembling muscle and aching bones in its wake. In the last few days I’ve felt every emotion there is, and God only knows what will happen tomorrow. So for now, with my little sister’s hand in mine, I just want to rest, to close my eyes and give up thinking or feeling or caring for a little while.
‘She asleep?’ Mum’s whisper disturbs me.
‘Yes.’ I stretch, sitting up, tucking her hand under the duvet.
‘Get into your own bed then, love, you look shattered.’
She called me love, and it feels like a peace offering.
Clambering upright, I my screw my eyes up against the bright landing lights. She stands there, and I realise she wants to say something else. So I wait.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she says, at last. ‘What I did to you. It was unforgivable.’
‘It’s all right,’ I say. ‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘It does matter, love,’ she takes a step towards me, ‘I’m your mum, I should never have raised my hand to you, I should be trying to protect you but I was . . . I wasn’t myself.’
‘OK.’ It’s not much, but it’s enough. It’s the best start I can think of or hope for, and I want to go to bed with those words in my ears. ‘’Night, Mum.’
‘I think it might have worked out for the best though,’ she adds, and I hate how much hope there is in her voice. ‘I mean, your dad is home. He’s home and things are already much better. I didn’t know what it would take to get him home, but . . . well he’s back now.’
My bedroom is just a few feet away, bed and oblivion for a few hours. And God, I have never wanted that more. But I can’t just nod and say, yeah, so it’s all worked out for the best. I just can’t.
‘Mum, nothing is fixed, you get that, right?’ I have to say this. This fake OK is not OK.
‘No, I mean not overnight, of course not, but it’s a start.’
‘It isn’t a start,’ I tell her as gently as I can. ‘Dad being here, it’s good, it’s brilliant, but it’s not the answer. Dad loves us . . . but he can’t save us, he doesn’t know how. I thought maybe he could, but he can’t. He’s not back here for good, he’s not back here because he wants to be. He’s back here because he loves us as much as he can and he feels guilty that he’s left us to fall apart. But Dad won’t fix that you can’t sit through dinner without sneaking off for a drink, or me being a lesbian and you hating me for it.’
Bracing myself, I wait for her to kick off, to shout and accuse and slam and maybe even hit again, but she doesn’t. She is just still for a moment, and then she nods.
‘I know that,’ she says. ‘But I’m not strong right now, Red.’
For the first time ever she calls me by the name I chose, and it’s maybe the kindest, most loving thing that she has ever done for me.
‘I know.’ Ever so slowly, very carefully, I put my arms around her and hug her. As she rests her chin on my shoulder, I can feel the last snapshots of my childhood falling away from me, like a cascade of old-fashioned photos. Mum feels small and thin and short, and more like me than I had ever guessed. All this time I have been growing up and she has been getting older and somehow only now, here on the landing under the electric light, we have met in the middle.
‘I know you aren’t strong,’ I say. ‘But I think I am, Mum. I think I am really, really strong. Much stronger than you know. I can help you.’
Her arms tighten around me, and I close my eyes and there is sunshine and bedtime stories and knees kissed better.
‘We’ll help each other,’ she says. ‘But there is one thing you have got wrong. I don’t hate you, Red. I love you, I love you more than I can say. And I’m afraid for you and what you have to face in a world that won’t always welcome you. I’m afraid and I let that look like hate, because maybe it’s me that I hate. But not you, never you. I love you, my little girl.’
And for me, that’s good enough, it’s better than good. For the first time in a long time, when I climb into bed I feel at home.
And then Ash calls me.
‘I’ve got into Nai’s phone,’ she says.
‘And?’
‘Everything we needed to know was in WhatsApp. If we hadn’t found her phone it would have taken a lot longer to find out who he is. If she’d really thrown it away he would have been safe, but she didn’t. There must have been something, some tiny doubt about him that made her hide it in a place she thought it would be found by you. Because now we know who he is.’
36
‘Who?’ I hold my breath.
In the spilt second before Ash answers, a million different scenarios play out in my head, a million different answers and outcomes, and none of them are the one that becomes blindingly obvious the moment she says it.
‘It’s Mr Smith, Red,’ Ash tells me. ‘It’s Mr Mother Fucking Smith.’
‘It can’t be,’ I whisper. ‘No, Ash . . . it can’t be. Because . . . it can’t be, you’ve made a mistake . . . ’
‘I’m sorry, Red, I am, but once I had the WhatsApp messages it was clear who she was talking to. He talked about getting out of school early, how she looked in class. But I double-checked, I got into all his less secure stuff, and I found the pathways that led to the truth. He thought he covered his tracks. The front door was a bog-standard Facebook page, but after that, there were levels. Secret Facebook groups, where the members posted photos of girls they’d taken, and talked about what they’d like to do to them. Forums. Chat rooms, and I followed the trail he left, down to the lowest, deepest level, to the basement of the dark web where I found his other name: MrM00n. It’s him, it’s undeniable. It’s him.’
I can’t speak, it’s like I’ve been winded by a punch in the gut, so hard it’s stolen my breath. Not him, I don’t want it to be him, because that means . . . that means that every kind thing he’s ever said to me about Nai and Rose and Leo, every word, everything he’s ever done, the concert, the band; every single thing that has meant anything to me over the last year is a lie.
Ash keeps talking, and the more she says the worse it gets. I can hear the tremble in her voice, the fear and the fury, and I wish she hadn’t called me. I wish I was with her now, because if I was, I’d put my arms around her and hold her tight, and hope she’d do the same for me.
‘I know how she ended up in
the river, Red. He wrote on that sick site, boasting about it. She tried to get away from him, she tried to come home, and he beat her up. So badly he thought he killed her. It was him who dumped her in the river. He’d been keeping her in a block of old flats less than half a mile from home. All those weeks, she was his prisoner.’
‘Oh my God.’ I’m not sure if I say the words out loud or not, my mind suddenly crammed with images of what Nai was forced to endure. No, I can’t even think it. ‘Oh my God, Ash. Oh my God. No. Are you sure?’
‘I’m sure, I’ve got all the proof, and I’m going to hand it over to the police, just like you want me to. But before I do I’ve got a plan that’s going to ruin him for good, it’s going to blow you away. What we’re going to do is—’
My brain, frozen in shock, reactivates in a rush of fear. ‘Ash, wait, he said he was going to visit Naomi tonight. And . . . and he knows they are planning to wake her up tomorrow.’
‘How does he know?’ Ash asks.
‘Because I told him.’
‘Fuck, I got to go.’
‘I’ll see you there,’ I say. Trainers on, grab my oyster card. I run out of the door and all the last traces of sleep fly off me as I run for the tube.
Matt, Naomi
Matt
Nearly time for us to really be together. Excited?
Naomi
Yes, I am . . . I just wish . . . Do I have to leave home? Mum and Dad and Ash will be really worried, and I’ve put them through so much already. Couldn’t we just carry on like we are?
Matt
Look if you don’t really love me Naomi then just say, OK? Don’t make me think you care about me the way I care about you if you don’t
Naomi
I do, I do care about you, more than anything, but . . . you get to stay in your home, and at work. What if we ran away, caught the ferry to France?
Matt
Then I’d be caught, and probably go to prison. In another couple of years it won’t matter who knows how much we love each other, but right now – no one would understand. They wouldn’t see us, they wouldn’t know what we know.
Naomi
I guess . . .
Matt
Look, all of this, everything I’ve done, the flat I’ve found you, the rent I’m going to pay for you, it’s all because I want you so badly, all to myself, all the time. If you don’t want that, then let’s call it off right now. And the next time I see you, I’ll try to pretend that you aren’t the only thing in my life worth anything
Naomi
No . . . no please, don’t do that. Matt, I love you
Matt
I love you too. Be ready where I told you to be, and remember throw away your phone
37
We don’t know how long he has been there, sitting next to her and staring. Or why the nurses let him in, because he’s not on the list. But that’s Mr Smith for you, he’s charming and well-spoken. Good-looking and kind. When he looks you in the eye, you feel like he really cares about you and what happens to you. He’s the kind of man you look up to. The kind of man you trust. The worst kind of monster.
And I trusted him, more than my own dad. I’ve never wanted to hurt another person until tonight. Tonight I want to hurt him really badly.
‘We’ll confront him,’ I snarl. ‘We go in there and we tell him we know what he is.’
‘No!’ Ash takes my hand and squeezes it. ‘We act like we don’t know a thing.’
‘Why?’ I stare at her. ‘I want to kill him. Everything he’s done to the people I love, to me. I told him stuff about me, Ash. I thought he cared. I need to hurt him.’
Ash puts her hands on my shoulders and makes me look into her eyes, and when I do, I feel a little better, a little more grounded and centred.
‘I know it’s hard but I need time. Time to get every last little bit of evidence from his stuff. And because he’s standing right next to the machinery that is keeping my sister alive.’
We stand there, toe-to-toe, eye to eye, her hands steadying my heart, and we stay that way until our breathing steadies and the shaking in my legs stills, and finally without having to say a word to her, I know that we are ready to face him.
‘Hey, sir,’ I say as we walk in.
‘Oh, you girls are here late.’ He withdraws his hand from Naomi’s and I want to throw up.
‘Yeah, it’s not really visiting hours, is it?’ Ash says. ‘I’m surprised the nurses haven’t thrown you out yet?’
‘The night nurse was very understanding.’
We go and stand by Nai, and I wonder what’s going on now behind those lids. Less sedation, we know that much. What if she can hear his voice? What if she feels his touch, but isn’t able to move, isn’t able to scream?
‘It’s OK, Naomi,’ I say picking up her hand. ‘Me and Ash are here. We’ve got you.’
‘Where did you two come from?’ A tired-looking nurse shakes her head at us. ‘Come on, out. Naomi’s got a big day tomorrow, she needs her rest.’
‘Yeah, come on, sir.’ I force a grin. ‘We’ve got a big day tomorrow too. It’s concert day!’
‘I’m not leaving.’ Ash shakes her head. ‘I’m her sister. And I know other relatives get to stay here on a mattress. And maybe . . . well, we don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, do we, so I just want to be with her tonight. Please. I won’t get in the way, I just don’t want her to be alone.’
The nurse purses her lips. ‘I’ll have to phone your parents, make sure they don’t mind.’
‘They won’t,’ Ash says.
‘OK, then.’ She looks at me and Mr Smith. ‘But you two, out.’
‘Want a lift?’ Mr Smith asks me once we are outside. I look into his kind eyes and dream about ripping them out.
‘I’ll walk,’ I say.
‘Are you sure?’ He smiles, and it’s sweet and gentle. A smile I’ve trusted for a very long time. ‘You’re safer with me.’
‘I’m sure,’ I say. ‘But I’m much tougher than I look, sir. You don’t want to mess with me.’
He’s chuckling as he gets into his car. He has no idea how deadly serious I am.
38
I’m waiting for Leo by Vauxhall tube station, as he’s had to take a couple of trains to get here from his Aunty Chloe’s. People stream in and out of the entrance, parting only to go around me, like fast-running water around a rock.
This is the day that I have been working towards for weeks. This is the only thing that has made sense, the concert, the fundraising. Making sure we were doing everything for her that we could. And it was his idea. All the time that he was telling us we could make a difference, we could help Naomi be found, Mr Smith had her his prisoner.
That takes a special kind of evil.
There’s something else about this day that’s important. The reason we chose to stage the concert on a Monday in September, when almost all the other days of the week would have been better.
Today is Naomi’s birthday.
We do this thing on each other’s birthday that we call The Edit, compiling photos that we’ve taken over the year, and making a collage, dicking around with stickers and emojis, and just doing something stupid and kiddish and fun. This morning, when I woke when it was still dark, the reminder that it was her birthday popped up on my phone.
There was no more sleeping, not with this dark day hanging over me. There might never be sleeping ever again.
So I made Naomi an Edit. Going back through my photos, going back to the months after her last birthday. There were photos I hadn’t looked at in months, loads of them. Bursts of her mucking around in the park, when we were having our first go at cosplay. Stupid photos taken at school, at the movies, all the places that we used to go together, without thinking that those places and those moments meant anything at all. At least one photo of her, of her and me, or all of us together taken every single day, right up until the last one before she went missing.
So I made her an Edit and I posted it anyway, l
ike I would have done if she had been here. And it wasn’t until I stood there outside the tube station waiting for Leo and checked my Instagram that I realised Rose had added me again to all her accounts – her name, her heart-shaped ‘like’ right there under my post. And I’m glad, because today of all days we need each other. I just wish I didn’t know about the dark shadows that are lengthening over her. Right now, she must feel so happy, so special and loved. And all of that is about to be ripped away from her.
‘Hey,’ Leo says, as he is thrown up out of the mouth of the tube station along with everyone else.
‘Hello.’ We fall into step alongside one another.
‘I liked the Edit you made Nai,’ he said.
‘Yeah, thanks. I was thinking about the last time we saw her and if we could have done something, anything . . . ’
‘There was nothing,’ Leo says. ‘I’ve gone over and over it a million times. Nothing. She didn’t want us to know, Red. I guess we just have to deal with that. Because if she’d wanted us to know, we would have. Somehow. But you know what? Today you, me and Ash are going to nail that bastard’s balls to the wall.’
‘Fuck knows what shit is going to hit the fan, so you know what we should do today?’ I say as we reach the school.
‘What?’ asks Rose, closing her dad’s car door behind her and joining us.
And at exactly the same moment that I am happy to see her, I feel sick with nerves, too. I want to stop what she’s going through right now, this second. And yet, I don’t; I’m doing what Ash wants, we all are. And soon we are going to pay the price for that.
‘We should celebrate her birthday,’ Leo says, he too seems unable to look right at Rose. ‘Whatever happens today when they try and wake Nai up, she deserves that.’
Rose touches his cheek with her fingertips, tears shine bright in her eyes.
‘Yes,’ she says, turning to me and sliding her arm through mine. ‘I loved the Edit, Red.’
As we near school I see Ash and beckon her over, but she shakes her head, and instead sits down, choosing not to look at any of us in the eye as she hurries by.
Mirror, Mirror Page 25