‘Matthew Smith?’ Police Constable Wiggins and two of her colleagues walk down the aisle towards him. ‘We’d like to ask you some questions down at the station.’
Smith stares at me, and I see it. I see exactly what I wanted to see. The terror and confusion, the dread and horror, and the certainty that his life is ruined. Which is when he turns on his heels and makes a bolt for the wings.
It’s not like Leo and I decide to run after him, it just happens, I feel Leo at my side, the two of us leaping down the old wooden stairs that lead into the maze of corridors. We catch sight of him going around a corner and skid after him, faster and fitter, on his heels by the time he careers out of a fire exit and spills out in the night air outside, tripping and rolling over onto his back. He puts his hands up to protect his face as Leo stands over him, but Leo doesn’t hit him. He just stands there, looking at him.
‘I think you are going to be very popular in prison,’ Leo says. ‘I got a few contacts inside, so I’ll make sure they know what you are in for.’
Smith starts to sob as the police come around the corner and grab him before he can get up.
‘It’s a mistake,’ Smith cries as the officers pull him to his feet and put him in the back of the car. ‘It’s all a mistake, this isn’t me, I don’t know how this has happened. It’s a vendetta, it’s a frame job. These kids clearly hate me. Can I phone home? What’s going on?’
As he is put in the back of the car, Constable Wiggins comes over to me.
‘What are you doing here?’ I ask her, deadpan.
‘I was coming anyway, my kid is really into your band, and then I got a tip-off and a load of very incriminating anonymous information. We’ll be seizing all of this computer stuff now, and taking it in for evidence.
‘Who tipped you off?’ I ask her.
Wiggins smiles, ever so slightly. ‘No idea, but if I did, I’d tell her that this son of a bitch is going to pay for what he’s done. And I’m going to make sure of that.’
‘Where do you think she is?’ Leo asks me as we watch the police car pull away.
‘I don’t know, she was upset, do you think . . .?’
‘Come on.’
We break into a run, a jog at first, but as we near our destination our feet pick up the pace and we’re flying, both of us flying towards our friend, determined to keep her safe from harm.
We only stop when we have her in sight, sitting on the very top of the slide.
Of course she’d come here, to this place where we always hang out. This is the safest place we know, even in the dark, even tonight.
I look at Leo and he looks at me, and together we go over to her. Leo climbs up the steps behind her and I sit at the bottom of the slide.
‘When did you know?’ she says.
‘Yesterday,’ I say.
‘We both did,’ Leo says.
‘And neither of you told me? I mean my God, why the fuck wouldn’t you tell me? Why would you let me make such a fool of myself, stand there in front of all those people and see all those things, those awful things. Naomi . . . ’
‘Because . . . because we knew we had one shot to get him and . . . ’
‘You thought I’d warn him?’ I can just about see the whites of her eyes as she stares at me, the rest of her made out of a combination of orange and black shadows, cast by the streetlights.
‘Rose, you told me that you were in love, that it was special. And different. If I’d told you, outside of music class today, would you have believed me? Sided with me? The needy lesbian who has made a fool of herself over you? Or would you have run to him, and told him how crazy I’d gone. And believed whatever he said, and given him the chance to go home and wipe all of his sick stuff away forever. I wanted to tell you, so badly, we both did. But this was . . it was bigger. We needed you to understand what sort of a man he really is before we told you anything. We needed you to see with your own eyes.’
Rose says nothing, she just seems to curl up on the top of the slide, hugging her arms around her legs into a tiny ball. I see Leo behind her and she leans into his arms and sobs. I sit there for a while, under the moon and the twinkling lights of the planes that criss-cross the orange sky and I listen to the sound of the traffic and Rose’s crying gradually fades away into something close to silence.
Eventually I get up.
‘I’m going home,’ I say. ‘I’m so tired. And Rose . . . I’m so sorry. I really am. I know how hurt you are, because I’m that hurt too. And sad, and broken. We all are.’
Just as I get to the gate that leads out onto the road, I hear footsteps behind me and she catches up with me, flinging her arms around me.
‘Thank you,’ she says. ‘Thank you. I’m hurt and stupid, but at least that’s all I am. I feel so lucky, so thank you, all of you. Thank you.’
I hug her back hard, and as I do it’s like a fog clears. Because I still think she is the most amazing and wonderful person I have ever known, stronger than I could ever have guessed. And all those feelings I had for her, that I thought were love, well they were, because I do love her: she is my very best friend, but I’m not in love with her. I don’t think I ever have been.
And I think it’s taken me falling in love for real with someone else to realise my stupid mistake.
‘See you tomorrow, buddy,’ I say.
‘See you then, old pal,’ she replies.
My phone rings in my hand and I answer it, putting it on speaker.
‘Ash?’ The three of us stand there, waiting for her to talk.
‘It’s Nai,’ she says, her voice heavy with tears. ‘It’s Nai. She’s woken up. She’s groggy. But . . . but she’s going to be OK.’
41
Mum is waiting for me when I come in.
‘I looked for you everywhere, I was so worried. What happened? Tell me everything, from the beginning.’
I sit at the kitchen table with her and she makes me a cup of hot chocolate and some toast, puts it down in front of me, and I start talking. I don’t know where the words come from exactly, but it’s somewhere deep down inside me, and once I start I can’t stop. Every single moment I have lived through alone just comes pouring out of me. Everything about Naomi, about Rose, about me and who I truly am. About how I want to be that other girl for Mum, that reflected girl with the long hair and the pretty dress, how if I could I’d be that girl, I would. But I just can’t, because she is as much part of me as the moon. And I talk, and I cry, and I tell her about what happened to Naomi, and how very sad and scared she must have been, and how she felt so alone, because that’s what Smith did to her. He lied to her for so long, and so well, that she didn’t see she could have talked to her friends or her sister or her mum and dad and everything would have been all right. And as I talk to Mum she puts her arm around me, and Dad comes downstairs and sits down and puts his arms around me too.
Eventually there are no more words, at least not for a little while; I’ve used them all up and I’m quiet at last.
‘You’ve been very brave.’ Dad’s big hand covers mine.
‘You’ve handled all of this on your own,’ Mum says. ‘We’ve let you down.’
I shake my head, because I don’t want them to feel bad. I just want them to understand, who I was and who I am now. And to let me be who I want to be.
‘You are amazing, Red,’ Mum says, pulling me closer to her. ‘So much stronger, so much braver than I ever realised. And you are my daughter. And I’m proud of you. And everything you stand for. When I had kids, I never thought that I’d be looking up to them, but I am.’
I look at her, ‘Really?’ I whisper.
She nods. ‘Dad is going to stay while I get better. We found out about help, and where I need to go to get it. It’s going to take a long time, and be very difficult. But every time I want to give up or give in I’m going to think of you.’ She brushes my fringe out of my eyes. ‘My incredible, beautiful, amazing daughter.’
‘I thought you hated me being gay,’ I say.
‘And neither will I,’ Dad says.
And I look from one of them to the other and for the first time in a very long time, I think I might actually feel normal.
Because this crazy-ginger-haired girl who plays the drums and dreams of falling in love with the perfect woman, that is normal for me.
Normal, you see, is whatever you want it to be.
42
It’s very early in the morning, and I don’t have to go to school today, nobody does. Because school is shut and the police are all over it. And none of that matters as the three of us head towards the hospital determined to get there for as soon as they will let us see her.
She’s propped up in bed, and there’s a TV on, not that she’s watching it, instead her eyes are on Jackie, and Jackie is returning her gaze, mother and daughter just looking at each other as the rose-gold light of the dawn gilds every surface, making it the happiest and most beautiful thing that I have ever seen.
The bandages have gone, there’s a diagonal line of stitches that traces its way across her face.
Max waves us in, and slowly we file into the room.
‘All right, loser?’ Rose is the first to speak.
‘Throat’s a bit sore,’ Naomi says. ‘Could murder a pint.’
Jackie smiles and cries at the same time, and we crowd round her. I’m grinning like an idiot, with no idea what to say.
‘We’ll go outside for a minute,’ Jackie says, looking up at Max who nods. ‘But just for a minute, she needs her rest, she’s got a lot of recovering to do.’
‘OK,’ I say, taking Jackie’s seat when she gets up.
‘I’m really glad you’re not dead,’ I say to Nai.
‘Me too . . .’ She looks from me to Rose and Leo. ‘The doctors didn’t want Mum to tell me what you’d all been up to, they thought it might stress me out or some shit, but Mum knew that I’d want to know. She knew how much it would mean to me, I think . . .’
It’s impossible to imagine what’s going on inside her head, but her eyes are full of tears and pain.
‘I can’t talk about what happened, I don’t want to think about it, not yet. Not ever. And I know the next few months are going to be hard, but they will be OK, with Mum and Dad, and you lot, if you will still be my mates.’
‘Course we will,’ I say.
‘Fuck yeah,’ Rose adds.
‘Like anything else was ever possible.’ Leo smiles at her.
‘Good.’ Naomi sinks back into the pillow. ‘Now could you leave me alone please, I’m sick of the sight of you.’
‘We’ll be back later.’ I kiss her gently on the top of her head.
‘We’ll bring DVDs,’ Rose offers.
‘And chocolate,’ Leo adds. And just as we get to the door we hear her say.
‘Guys?’
Turning around we look at her.
‘I fucking love you,’ she says.
I see Ash in the corridor, sleeping across three chairs, and I stop.
‘Fancy going for breakfast?’ Rose asks us. ‘I’m not really in the mood to be alone. My treat, I lifted Amanda’s card on my way out.’
‘Yeah, sure, but I’ll catch you up, OK?’ I say.
Rose and Leo look at each other, like they know something I don’t. But they are wrong. This time I know.
‘Hey, Ash?’ I touch her on the shoulder, startled when her eyes fly open at once. ‘Oh, I thought you were asleep.’
‘I just had my eyes closed, still can’t sleep, too wired.’
She sits up, and I take a seat opposite her.
‘It’s going to be hard,’ she says. ‘Going back to normal. Almost impossible after everything we’ve done together.’
‘Yeah, about that,’ I say. ‘Look, I’m going to say something now, which might freak you about a bit, and I just want you to know that if it does, that’s cool. I’m kind of used to that reaction, and it doesn’t change our friendship in any way, because I’ll just repress all of my emotions and pretend they don’t exist but the thing is, the thing I want to say to you is . . . ’
‘Red.’ Ash gets up from where she is sitting and comes and sits next to me.
‘Yeah?’ I say bracing myself for the worst.
‘You know what you should do?’ Ash asks me, the hint of a smile playing on her lips.
‘What?’ I whisper.
‘You should just shut up and kiss me.’
Six months later . . .
It’s freezing cold, first thing in the morning, and frost glitters all the way along the bridge, setting it alight with sparkles. Our breath mists in the air as we walk, six of us, tucking our fingers under our arms to keep them warm.
Standing back, I watch as Ashira takes Naomi by the arm, and guides her slowly to the bridge.
It’s been a long six months of recovery for her body, her heart and her mind, a recovery that is a long way from over. There’s a scar that runs diagonally across her face, which one day, the surgeons say, they can make all but invisible, but Naomi says she isn’t ready to let it go yet, she says it’s part of her. Just like the semi-circle tattoo on her arm that will form a key part of Smith’s trial when it finally happens. The police said they could document it, and she could have it removed or covered up with something else, but Naomi said no. She said she’d keep it until she knew for sure that Smith, and every other man he was in contact with, had been put away.
We’ve come here today, to the bridge where they found her, to say thank you for the chance that fate gave to us, that one glimmer of luck in all the darkness that saved her life and gave her back to us. Our belief in each other.
I smile as the sisters step forward with a bunch of bright orange Gerbera, and leaning over the railing, they throw them into the dark, slowly churning water one after the other. Then Leo, with his white daisies, and holding onto his hand, Rose.
Together they pick the petals from the flowers, and let some of them fall, some of them fly, carried up by the wind towards the winter sun for a few moments, before falling down like confetti. Rose wraps her arms around Leo’s waist, and he drops a kiss on the top of her head, holding her close.
She’s still never mentioned the words he said to her back then, before it all kicked off. They’ve never talked about it again, but there is a change between them. A promise that says when the time is right, I’m yours.
Leckraj is next with a single red rose, and casts a long, loving look at Naomi as he lets it go. There was this awkward moment, when Nai first came back into the rehearsal room, and he was already there, early as usual, when I thought we were going to have to actually fire him. But before anyone could say anything, he whipped a sheet off an electric piano he’d set up in the corner.
‘Did I ever tell you that I also play keyboard?’ he said.
My turn.
I take my irises and walking forward I drop each one of the three long stems into the river.
‘For the past,
For the now,
For the future.’
I smile at Naomi, and she reaches for me, pulling me into a long hug.
When she finally lets me go, Ash is waiting for me.
She holds out her hand and I take it, stepping into her arms as we kiss in the cold bright air, the heat between our bodies creating something like our own private slice of summer.
‘So,’ Leo says with his arm around Rose and we look out at the city stretched out right around us. ‘What do we do next?’
I look at my friends, and I smile.
‘Whatever we want,’ I say.
Q&A with Cara Delevingne
Where did the idea for Mirror, Mirror come from? What inspired you?
I really wanted to write a novel that showed an uncensored picture of how difficult and painful it can be to become an adult. There’s so much pressure on young people to be perfect, but I want
ed to show that whoever you are, if you are happy with yourself then you are perfect.
Besides being the name of the band, mirror image/reflection is an important metaphor throughout the novel. Tell us more about what you’re trying to convey.
There is always more than one version of anyone, like reflections in a hall of mirrors. There’s the perfect, filtered online version; the school or work version; the version that our friends recognise; and the one true version, that all too often we keep to ourselves. The message in Mirror, Mirror is that you only need one version of you, the version that is true to who you are.
You’re someone who has a massive following online, and social media plays a key role in how our protagonists investigate Naomi’s fate. Are you saying that social media is a force for good?
It can be a great force for good, but it can also be dangerous. What I love about social media is being able to connect with my followers and share my life with them. And it’s a great way for people to find out who they are, find their tribe and make connections. On the other hand, the desire to try and appear to have a flawless life can be overwhelming, and it can make vulnerable people even more vulnerable. The key is to be smart and safe online.
All of our teen protagonists struggle with their sense of identity; is this something you’ve come up against?
Yes of course. I think struggling with one’s identity is what makes us human. Finding deeper connections with others is what makes us happy, what we get up for in the morning. All of these things give us a better sense of who we are, but that’s also something that is almost impossible to put in words. It’s more of a feeling.
There are lots of strong characters in the book. Who did you connect with the most?
I connect with all of them in one way or another, because I think we’ve all been where they’ve been at some point in our lives. Red is feeling isolated and going through a period of self-discovery, Rose is outwardly invincible but inwardly vulnerable and damaged, and Leo was up against the pressure of his circumstances, and what other people expect him to be like, because of who he is.
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