Undiscovered Gyrl

by Allison Burnett

  Monday, March 24, 2008

  Today was Margaret’s first day back and she already had a job interview scheduled for 2:00. (It’s for a major job that would take months.) It would normally have made Paul really angry that she was ready to leave Cole again so soon, but now that we are in love, I don’t think he cares at all. Besides Cole is used to being with just us during the day.

  As soon as Margaret left, we started kissing.

  I stopped him and said “We can’t. Don’t be mad.”

  He said “Why not? Your period’s over, isn’t it?”

  “I have a urinary track infection. Nothing major. I took the medicine today. It’ll be gone soon.”

  He smiled. “It’s all my fault. I can’t keep my hands off you.”

  “Back at ya, buddy! Back at ya!”

  He laughed at my old-fashioned expression (which I got from my dad) then he took my hand and started rubbing his bulge with it. I knew what he wanted. I pushed him back on the bed. When he came, it felt so good he covered his face with a pillow and screamed into it. I’m dead serious. I am a master!

  Wednesday, March 26, 2008

  I can tell Margaret is getting depressed already and wishes she had a new job. She doesn’t admit it, of course. She pretends that she missed Cole every minute and that it’s a blast getting to spend more time with him.

  I was so lonely tonight that I almost called Nick, my disgusting one night stand. Instead I called Joel Seidler. Yes, his letter was full of rage but I hurt his feelings and I deserved it. I was sure that if I was really sweet to him and sincerely apologized for being so selfish, he would forgive me. Well, I didn’t get the chance to find out because his mom answered. Her voice was shaky. She was about to start bawling. She said Joel was in the hospital. I asked what happened.

  “Aw, who knows? These shrinks are a bunch of witch doctors if you ask me.” She sounded New Yorky and kind of crazy. “I’m not telling you anything you don’t know, right? I mean, you’re good friends. You know about his depression, right?”

  “Oh, yeah, totally. We talk about it all the time. But he was getting so much better.”

  “Well, he relapsed. Made another attempt. Pills this time. The pills his doctors gave him. I thought only girls took pills. I was the one who found him. Scariest moment of my life. I thought he was dead.”

  “Can I visit him?”

  “Maybe in a couple of weeks. Right now they don’t even want me and Sid there. They got to get his chemistry straightened out.”

  The way she talked about Joel, I swear you would have thought he was her boyfriend instead of her son. She is way too into him. Maybe that’s why he took the pills.

  Joel’s mother gave me the name of the hospital. As soon as I figure out what to say I will send Joel a card. Normally I would just email him but they don’t allow electronics.

  I took another test. The faint blue line isn’t faint anymore.

  Thursday, March 27, 2008

  Rory dropped by tonight without calling. He brought weed, thinking that would be enough to make me at least be nice to him, if not bone him. Normally he would be right (ha!) but no way am I going to get high while I’m pregnant. When I said no thanks, he got really suspicious. I tried to lie my way out of it but he knows me too well. So I had to confess. He took my pregnancy news in the worst possible way. His skin turned bright red and he broke into the biggest smile. He assumed that he was the father and that I was going to keep it. Can you believe how clueless he is?

  I deaded that shit superfast.

  “Whoa, whoa,” I said “slow down. The baby isn’t yours and even if it was, I’m not keeping it.”

  He stared at me in shock then walked over and looked out the dark window. He didn’t say a word for a long time. His jaw moved like he was chewing something small. It was the maddest I’ve ever seen him. It was scary. He really hates abortion. (It’s because his mom wanted to abort him. Did I already tell you that?) Finally he started walking around the room in circles like an animal at the zoo making uglier and uglier faces. I got the feeling that if it wasn’t for the pregnancy he would have beaten the shit out of me right there.

  Finally he talked.

  “If you knew you were getting an abortion, why did you even bother telling me about it?”

  “Because you were pressuring me to get stoned, and there’s no way I was going to do that.”

  “Why not? Who cares if it hurts the baby if you’re killing it anyway?”

  Good point. The answer was impossible for me to admit. It’s that deep down I’m hoping that either Dan or Paul will want me to keep it. If this happens I will not abort. Of course the worst thing would be if one of these men said okay and then the baby was born with red hair and freckles. I would be so busted. Obviously I couldn’t tell Rory this. So I asked him to leave. He said no way, not until I told him who the father was. I told him it was none of his business. He made a furious face and stuck out his hands like claws at me. When I screamed and covered my face, he stormed out and slammed the door.

  Friday, March 28, 2008

  I had a dream last night that there were two babies growing inside me. The doctor gave me color photographs of them in the womb. One was milky pink and smiling and looked really healthy. The other one was one stained yellowish brown from cigarettes. I started crying because I had destroyed one of my babies. Then I woke up.

  I know I should abort this weekend without even telling Dan or Paul. That would be the most mature thing to do. I wish I had someone to go with me. It’s a tragic thing to do alone.

  Stand by.

  I just googled “I had an abortion.” I couldn’t believe what came up. Many, many stories from girls who had abortions and now regretted it. All they do now is lie in bed crying, contemplating suicide. But then I noticed that all of these tales were posted on prolife websites. No wonder! They’re never going to print stories from girls who are happy they aborted. Now I will google “abortion” and “best thing.”

  Stand by.

  Not as many matches came up, because obviously someone who has an abortion and then goes on to have an awesome life isn’t going to waste time posting about it. But there were many brave inspiring tales. It was marvelous to hear from women who said that abortion saved their lives. I can’t wait for mine now!

  That was a joke. I am scared shitless. More than anything in the world I want to tell Paul I’m pregnant but I keep chickening out.

  Saturday, March 29, 2008

  I emailed Dan this morning and said that I really needed to talk to him as soon as possible. Five minutes later the email bounced back. He’s blocked my address! Part of me was impressed that he could be this strong but the other half was really offended and furious, so I got into my car and drove over to his house.

  On the way I saw Jade for the first time since she betrayed me. She was standing outside a Starbucks, hanging all over this greasy ugly guy covered in tats. They looked like they had both been up all night having a three-way with a crack pipe. It’s scary because she used to be so vain and now she looks like a zombie. (She has zits and her hair is in a total Winehouse.) She stared right at me but I’m not even sure she knew who I was. Of course I felt bad for her, but it’s hard not to think she deserves it. The ugliness on her insides has taken over the outside.

  No one was home at Dan’s. Looking back on it, thank god! I left a note in the mailbox telling him to call me asap. I signed it “Your favorite student.”

  Sunday, March 30, 2008

  Driving around with the windows down and the roof open to prevent myself from throwing up, I drove past the hospital where Joel is locked up. It could so easily be me in there. I still haven’t sent him a card. He must hate me.

  Why do they call it morning sickness? It’s morning, noon and night sickness! Maybe they’re afraid if they told us we’d never have babies.

  I guess Jade saw me drive by yesterday. She just left me a voice mail. She said she wants to talk things out. Some things can’t be talked out. An
d sometimes it’s not even worth telling the person who hurt you that this is one of those things that can’t be talked out.

  Dan has not called.

  Monday, March 31, 2008

  Paul turned 45 today. I didn’t know what to give him. How about a brand-new bouncing baby? Instead I gave him a silly card that he opened in front of Margaret. Inside I wrote “Thanks for being such an awesome boss. xo Katie.” Margaret read it over his shoulder and said in a totally casual way “Oh, that’s sweet.” Boy, she really doesn’t suspect. How could she be so oblivious? (I hope that’s the word.)

  The second she went upstairs I gave Paul his present. In the kitchen. It made him soooooo happy. After it was over I asked him how it felt to be 45. He said it feels exactly like being 18 only when you get out of a chair your back is stiff.

  Then I gave him the second part of his present. A poem I wrote. He said it was really beautiful and very impressive. Then he said “Now I suppose I have to burn it.” My feelings were hurt of course. Just like after I gave Dan a pic of me and he handed it back. But I knew he was absolutely right. Since I have it on my computer I didn’t need the copy I gave him, so we ripped it up and pushed it all the way to the bottom of the garbage.

  I looked up just now and my mom was staring at me from my door. I asked her what she wanted. She said she’s worried about me. That I am way too thin lately and I’ve been dressing like a streetwalker. I told her that I am thin because I haven’t felt like eating since Dan and I broke up. And how I dress is none of her business.

  She said “But, darling, you left the house tonight in a coat, a halter top, torn tights and sneakers. You weren’t even wearing a skirt or pants.”

  “And every guy who saw me at the liquor store popped a boner.” I laughed like a cocky bitch.

  She made a sad clown face.

  I said “Go! Go! Go!”

  Tuesday, April 1, 2008

  You will never guess! I told Dan I’m pregnant! He wants to keep the baby! He’s going to dump Martine! I asked him to marry me the same weekend my mom marries Mark and he said yes! A double wedding will get us discounts! Once the baby is old enough for day care, I can attend Dan’s college for free as the wife of a professor! And even though there’s no such thing, we will live happily ever after!

  April Fools.

  Gotcha!

  tee hee

  Wednesday, April 2, 2008

  Only one person asked me to post the poem I wrote for Paul. I was kind of disappointed that more of you weren’t interested. Anyway, ppmarin, here it is. If you don’t like it, please lie and say you did.

  FOR PAUL ON HIS 45TH BIRTHDAY

  Napping on the sofa

  near baby boy napping

  in his bouncy chair.

  Two separate lives

  lying so close for a while

  until you both wake up

  and become

  father and son again.

  May you always be like this,

  sleeping close and waking close,

  sharing nearly all of your lives.

  I wish I could

  share them too!

  Today I was doing god knows what on my computer when I randomly google searched “stupid depressing shit.” I only got 14 matches. I would have thought many more. I clicked on one at random. This is what came up from some chick’s blog called “Daily Random Things Happening.”

  human beings are stupid depressing shit i know i shouldn’t care about strangers so much but i do and everytime i meet another fake phony depressing stupid shit human being it makes death seem all the more tasty exit stage left o-feelia! i am way too emotional to live on this dirty green ball but not strong enough to leave its predicament! horns of a dilemma! horny devil horns! one of the great things about ranting here is that no one reads it! ’cept friends who began blocking me out years ago fingers in ears peas and carrots peace and carrots yet somehow i always come out the other end and see the silver lining altho even that is getting old real old better start planning my own funferall!

  I wish I were as brave and raw and insane as this chick. I hide my deepest and ugliest emotions. I think I’m afraid if I share them with you, you will stop reading and I will just be a pathetic undiscovered gyrl typing alone in her room.

  Okay, I will answer a quiz for real this time. No joking. No lies. This is the real me.

  ABSOLUTELY NO LYING OR JOKING QUIZ

  Q. When was last time you cried?

  A. One minute ago.

  Q. What and when was your last meal?

  A. Fried rice forty minutes ago. I forced it down to keep from throwing up.

  Q. Have you ever dated the same person twice?

  A. I have never dated.

  Q. Have you ever kissed someone and regretted it?

  A. Nick Dempster and many others. The worst was Tim Lovelace. 16 when I was 10. My first tongue kiss. What a perv.

  Q. Have you ever been in love?

  A. Twice.

  Q. Have you ever lost someone?

  A. Dad, Rory, Dan, and, soon, baby. Then probably Paul.

  Please list five things you did in the past three hours:

  Swallowed snot and tears.

  Looked at my stomach sideways in the mirror.

  Dialed the clinic and hung up.

  Googled “up for adoption.”

  Watched a disgusting Japanese porn video online. I could describe it, but that would not be fair to the girl or to the octopus.

  Please list three people you completely trust:

  Paul

  My mom

  Please list three things you want to do before you die:

  be discovered

  be truly loved

  have three kids

  Q. Do you believe in love at first sight?

  A. Not for me.

  Q. Is there something you want to tell someone?

  A. Yes but he is probably dead by now.

  Q. What is your favorite thing in your room?

  A. My heart.

  Q. What is your least favorite thing in your room?

  A. My heart.

  Q. Have you ever been drunk and thrown up?

  A. Duh.

  Thursday, April 3, 2008

  Being pregnant is like being seasick and you can’t get off the boat. The smell of bubble gum, deodorant, scented candles, Cole’s pee and poo, even Paul’s sperm, all make me want to vomit till my toes come out my mouth.

  Friday, April 4, 2008

  I am goig to cal Dan right now th8s minute. I am drunk so don’t give a shit what answers.

  • • •

  Stand byy

  What happened

  May I please speak to DanN?

  Who may I zay oo izzz calling?

  His favorite student.

  Daniel for you! A zzztudent!

  Shoesteps.

  Dan sauys Hello?

  Hi it’s me asshole. I’m pregnant. And since the baby is yours I thought maybe befor I get an abortion you’d like to discuss it.

  Amber please. You know better. Call during my office hours. 4 til 6 Moday thru Friday. Good night!

  Click.

  Just lovely the way he rolls Right?

  I HATE HIM!

  Saturday, April 5, 2008

  Isn’t Dan curious what I am going to do with his baby? He is a major coward not to call me back. Unless he thinks I’m an alcoholic liar.

  I watched a show on Martin Luther King. They showed a film of him giving a speech the night before he died. It was like he knew he was going to get shot! What a beautiful voice. Obama is his son. Keep hope alive please. If not for me, at least for the world.

  Sunday, April 6, 2008

  Dan is pathetic and weak. I never saw it before. I was blinded by love. I feel like going over there and ruining his life. Instead I write poetry.

  Now all I do is eat

  And fill up on defeat.

  I plead guilty to all charges

  While my shame just enlarges.

  Monday
, April 7, 2008

  Paul asked me three times today what’s wrong and I kept saying “Nothing, I’m just really run-down.” He didn’t believe me. He knows I am depressed and he assumes it’s because of him, because we are hardly ever alone anymore. He feels guilty about it and then all he wants to do is make love every chance we get so I will be happy again. For example, Margaret went out to meet another possible client. (I hope she gets the job!) The second she was gone Paul dragged me upstairs. Boy, was he overdue! Ha! I was not into it at all because of my condition but I pretended that I was.

  • • •

  I can’t stand this. I’m getting it aborted this Saturday morning no matter what.

  Tuesday April 8, 2008

  I’m sad today … so so sad today … so so-so today … so sad daddy … sad is so today … sad sad daddy for reals ….

  Wednesday, April 9, 2008

  I made another abortion appointment for this Saturday at 10:00. I am so relieved. Just to make sure I really go this time, I drank two beers after dinner and am no longer worrying about how much I smoke.

  Phone ringing. Somebody loves me. Stand by.