by Amanda Heath
I hear my mother give off her signature sigh and I brace myself for whatever hateful shit will come out of her mouth. “She doesn’t need to stay here with Max and Blake. She’s just going to make this whole thing harder on everyone. Nobody wants her here and we shouldn’t have to deal with her.”
Then I’m falling to the floor. I’m rocking back and forth, wishing for the arms that held me when my mother used to set into me. Then Sarah’s right in front of me. Her eyes, the same exact color of mine, shine with tears as she tries to wrap her imaginary arms around me. Right now I don’t care if seeing her means I’m crazy. This is all I have left.
“Don’t you think that’s harsh? She and Sarah were close, closer than most sisters. Plus, this is Max’s house, he’s the one who says who stays or goes.” My father has been playing mediator between my mom and the rest of the world since the day they met. Or so my Pop has told me. Little does the rest of the world know, he’s just a pushover and would do anything she asks without much thought.
My mom huffs out a breath. “He can’t want her here, Jason! That little bitch had caused enough pain between Max and Sarah. Looking at her must be tearing him up inside!”
I know that’s not true. Sarah and I were different enough you could tell us apart, easily. “What is wrong with you? Your daughter just died and your other daughter is in horrible amounts of pain! You should be in there helping her through this, not trying to shut her out from the people who love her.” That makes me lift my head from my knees. Sarah just smiles at me and tries to brush my hair out of my face.
Then my mother growls, “I might have given birth to that girl, but that doesn’t mean she’s my daughter.” Then I hear a loud smack. “Don’t you ever talk to me like that again. I swear to God I’ll divorce you and leave you with nothing.”
I rock faster, wishing with everything that they would just leave and I can go to the bathroom. If I can just get to the bathroom everything will be okay.
I block out their voices after that. I know he’ll back down to her and I’ll be left out in the cold before the day is through. I get up off the floor when I hear their footsteps head back downstairs. I slowly open the bedroom door and tiptoe to the bathroom.
When I’m done, I head back to my room and don’t even think as I start packing my stuff in my bags. I don’t want to leave. I know Max would put a stop to it. That thought makes me pause. Before yesterday he was the enemy but today he’s the hero. I don’t know how to take that.
I shake it out of my head and lift my bags from the bed after I’ve packed whatever I can into them. I slip my feet into my all black Converse and head out of my room.
And no matter what anyone says, that’s my room. The day Sarah and Max moved into this house, she pointed to that room and said it would always be mine. She never had one at my old place, but that’s because I knew she was secure with Max.
God I miss her so fucking much.
Everyone is in the living room when I enter. That’s probably not the right time to notice I’m only wearing one of Tate’s old shirts with boy short panties and no bra. The shirt is long enough, because Tate is way taller and bigger than me.
Several eyes pop out at me, including Tate’s. Looking at him after months of no contact is like getting punched in the fucking face. Hard. His face is covered in a few days worth of beard and his brown eyes are tired. His brown hair is hanging in his eyes and I want to pull it while he takes my mouth. I also want to knee him in the balls while breaking his face with my fist.
God this is the most horrifying thing that could happen to me right now. I should have seen it coming, considering he said he was flying in soon. I just thought I wouldn’t be here when he arrived.
Max is the first one who speaks. “Farah…where are you going?”
I blink my eyes and turn towards Max, who is sitting on the couch holding Blake in his arms. “Umm…I’m…shit.” I close my eyes trying to get my thoughts to form one whole sentence.
“Language, Farah,” my mom scolds but no one looks at her or says anything. They are all used to the way she talks to me. Nothing I do is ever good enough.
Max stands up and moves towards me slowly, like I might bolt with any sudden movements. That’s probably a good idea. “Why don’t I take you back upstairs? You look like you need more sleep.” I flinch at his words.
I’m losing it. I feel it taking over me. The anger, the hurt, the pain. All of it is fighting to make itself known to the people in front of me. Jesus I feel twitchy and I wish Max would take Blake far away from me in case I start killing people. Which, with half of the people in the room, that’s bound to happen.
Max’s parents sit on one side of the room. They are safe. Tate and my parents are not safe. “I’m going to Pops’,” I finally push past my dry lips.
Max squints at me and sets Blake down. Blake then decides he wants his Farwh to hold him. I look down at him, past my heaving breasts because I can’t seem to catch my breath. Max grabs my arm gently and says my name. When I look up at him he says, “Why don’t I take you upstairs? Hmm?”
I shake my head and look down at Blake. I swallow hard and feel my fingers grip my bag harder. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Blakey. Auntie Farwh loves you so much.” Then the tears break out of my eyes, the tears I didn’t even know I was holding in.
I spin on my heels, gently so I don’t knock over Blake and run for the back door. Max will probably try to catch me but I’m fast. That’s not just something I say because I want to look good, I’m actually really fast. I could have gone to college on a full track scholarship but I wanted to do hair more than I wanted to run.
I make it to my car well ahead of Max who is, in fact, chasing after me. I lunge into the car and lock the doors right before he makes it to the car. I fling my bags into the back. I start my car since the keys were sitting in the middle console because I’m horrible about losing them. Tate’s bike happens to be parked right behind my car.
For once in the past twenty-four hours I feel an ounce of joy. Sarah appears in the passenger seat and I don’t even blink. She shakes her head at me but I only smile.
Now, I drive a little car, but that doesn’t mean I can’t fuck up Tate’s bike. I put the car in reverse while Max bangs on the window next to my head. Right before I turn around to watch my car fuck up the bike, I look up at Max. “I’m sorry Max. I can’t be a burden to you. I can’t be here.”
Without waiting for his reply, I turn around and back up. My car hitting Tate’s bike is the most amazing sound I’ve ever heard. The crunch of metal on metal gives me chills all up and down my body. I’m going slowly so it’s nothing all that dramatic. Well, until it falls on its side and I actually run over it when I make it to the street.
I put the car in drive and look up at the house. Tate is standing at the door while our parents stand out in the yard. I can see my mother yelling at me, while Vivien is in hysterics. Which makes me grin. Then I roll down the window so Tate will hear me. “Don’t ever call me doll face again!”
Then I drive off into the sunrise..
No really the sun is rising.
Max
“Get. The. Fuck. Out!” I bellow, thankful mom has taken Blake from me and left the room. He doesn’t need to see me completely lose it.
Nancy blinks at me a few times and then crosses her arms over her chest. She reminds me of Tate sometimes with the way she dresses. They are both awful people and they dress like professionals twenty-four seven to hide their bad sides. “Excuse me?”
I roll my eyes. I know this bitch isn’t deaf. Jason stands behind her looking uncomfortable. The man has no backbone and I’ve only heard him speak a handful of times. He’s worse in that department than my dad. “You fucking heard me, woman. Get out of my house. Fuck.”
“Max you need to calm down. I know my daughter has caused you a lot of problems but that’s no need to take it out on me.” She sounds so prim and proper. All I want to do is smack the shit out of her.
&nbs
p; “Your daughter, hell both your daughters are the best fucking things that ever happened to me. You will never, ever be in this place at the same time Farah is, ever again. You’re lucky I’m even letting you see Blake, after all the shit you put your own children through.” I narrow my eyes at her, sending all the hate I feel straight at her.
She huffs. “Those are all lies. I’ve never done anything to hurt my children. It’s not my fault Farah’s a wild whore who can’t keep her pants on. Did Sarah know you were screwing her sister?” Oh and now the claws come out.
“I have never touched Farah in that way. I have more respect for my wife and Farah than that. Just because I’m defending her doesn’t mean I’m screwing her. Jesus, woman, you need some serious help,” I tell her, wanting to sink into the floor. I wish I could get away with murder because this bitch would be dead right now.
She purses her lips and tilts her head to the side. “Probably not, but you’re in love with her. Have been for a long time.”
I roll my eyes. “Who gives a shit? Just get the fuck out. I’m tired of looking at you. I’m tried of hearing your stupid voice. And I’m definitely tired of how you treat other people. You think you’re so fucking high and mighty, well bitch, you aren’t anything to anyone.”
She glares at me now but I hold up a finger when she opens her mouth to speak. “Get the fuck out of my house. I won’t ask again. I’ll just call the cops to come and remove you. Don’t think I won’t. I’m not scared of you and you can stop thinking I am.”
She turns and heads towards the door, her pet husband following right behind her. I sink into the couch once the door closes behind them. I sit there for a long time staring out into space. I want to go after Farah but I know she needs time alone. I know seeing Tate probably screwed her up even more than she already is. I know seeing him caused me undue anger.
I’ve wanted to punch my fucking brother in the face and break his nose for years. Years. I’ve never done it though, no matter how hard I’ve tried. Every time I ball up my fist to let it fly, I stop myself. That’s not how I want to be. I don’t want to be that guy who just punches people because they’re assholes.
Mom walks back into the room holding my son. She smiles gently at me and comes to sit next to me. “I’ve wanted to hand that woman her ass since the day I met her.”
I laugh but the sound is hollow. “Me too, mom, me too.”
Blake climbs out of her lap and into mine. He wraps his little arms around my neck. I shove my nose into his. He stills smells like baby sometimes and this is one of them. I miss him like that, when he fit into my arms and I could hold him all day. He was the perfect baby. He was quiet and he only cried when he was hungry. It only took him six months to sleep through the night. Now he’s a perfect son, a perfect child. I don’t know what we did to deserve him but I thank God for it.
“You want some ice cream little man?” I ask his neck.
He nods his head. Then he pulls back and looks at me in the eye. “Can we have chocolate? I wanna eat chocolate ice creawm.”
“Yeah we can have chocolate. I’m sure we have some, since it’s your favorite.” I wrap my arm under his butt and head into the kitchen. Then I enjoy a bowl of ice cream with my little man and for a second I forget that my wife is dead.
I’d go outside to help Tate and Dad fix Tate’s bike but I honestly don’t give a fuck if it ever runs again.
Farah
I have about six thousand dollars sitting in my bank account. I’d rather not touch it because I’m going to have to find someplace to live in the near future. I really could go stay with Pops, but I don’t want to invade his life.
In This Moment blares out of my car stereo. I fucking love this band, almost as much as I love Dirty Deeds. All their songs are dark, dirty and fucked up. That’s how I feel right now so I guess they fit into this moment. Ha.
Sarah sits in the passenger seat bobbing her head to the music. She doesn’t bother me much anymore. When you feel completely alone you just want someone to be there. Sarah was that person and it fits she’d be haunting me right now.
I drive around, debating whether I want to get a hotel room or really go to Pops’. I have friends, but I’m not close enough to any of them to just show up in my sleepwear and ask to stay for a few days.
It’s at this point I pass the high school and chills break out all over my body. The parking lot is full of cars. It’s freaking Wednesday night, so there shouldn’t be anyone there. Without giving it much thought I pull in and park in the back where a space is open.
As I get out of the car, I see a lot of teenagers standing by the front of the gym. I open the back door on the driver’s side and reach in to dig out some jeans. After I’ve put them and my shoes back on, I head to the kids.
They all turn at my approach. Sarah walks up beside me and tears shine in her eyes. That’s when I see a big picture of Sarah sitting at the entrance. It’s her picture for this year’s yearbook. These are her students. I choke on the tears at this show of love for their teacher.
A little blonde walks towards me with tears in her own eyes. “Are you Farah?” she asks softly. I nod. She gives me a small smile and holds out her hand. “Mrs. Spears used to talk about you sometimes. Especially to us girls, when she thought we needed a kick in the ass.”
I bite down on my lip at that. That sounds like my sister. I’ve had a lot of problems in my life, stuff normal kids could never dream of going through. I was a true horror story to tell her students when they got out of control. I used to drink and do drugs when I should have been at home sleeping. I had sex with boys I shouldn’t have given the time of day.
When I was even younger I was anorexic. That was a scary time for Sarah. I just wanted to die. That’s what makes this so fucking hard. I spent most of my life trying to slowly end it and she spent hers trying to keep me alive.
Who is going to keep me alive now?
Certainly not any of the people at Max’s house.
“She loved all you guys,” I tell the girl holding my hand. I even give it a squeeze. “She knew all your names and I’m sure I’ve heard just as much about you as you have me.”
So that’s how I ended up spending the evening standing around with Sarah’s beloved students while we all mourned her death.
It was sad, depressing and also really good for me. These kids didn’t pass judgment on me. They didn’t need me to hold their hands and help them through it. They just wanted to spend a moment with a person who loved Sarah.
Sarah had always wanted to be a teacher. She used to make me play schoolroom with her, all the time. I hated it, mostly because I hated real school and I didn’t want to play it at home.
She went to college, got her degree and she taught math at the very same high school she graduated from.
After an hour or two, the cops showed up. I knew it was coming, seeing as we were all standing on school grounds without an event going on. Dalton Lockeby, Foreman’s resident officer got slowly out of his car. The lights were flashing around but he didn’t have the siren going. He wasn’t going to arrest any of us. He was just going to get us out of here because he had to, not because he wanted to.
I haven’t seen him much since we graduated but I hear things. His wife, Ally, went to school with us as well. She was a seriously cool girl. We had a few classes together, but I didn’t want to drag her into my fucked up life.
Dalton was a football star and joined the force when he turned twenty-one. They got married shortly before then and, word is, they are the happiest couple ever. They have three boys. Three. I don’t know how they do it. Sarah said Ally just wanted boys, no girls. I’m happy she got her wish.
“Farah. Long time no see,” he said to me in his low voice. He isn’t all that tall, only a few inches over me. His black hair is spiked up and his blue eyes look down at me with sorrow in their depths. “I’m sorry we’re meeting under these circumstances.”
I nod at him, having no words to give. I mean what do you
say? I haven’t seen him in years and we didn’t know each other well way back when.
“Y’all kids need to head home. It’s getting late.” All the teenagers nod at him and slowly go to their cars. I turn to walk to my car but Dalton stops me with a hand on my shoulder. “Max has called me about five times, looking for you.”
I feel my mouth curl into a snarl. “I’ll get in touch with him.”
Dalton raises both his eyebrows and crosses his arms over his chest. “That so? How you plan on doing that?”
That pisses me off. Max told him I smashed my phone up and it doesn’t work anymore. “I’ll call him when I get to Pops’.”
“Well, head to your car then. I’ll follow you out there, make sure you get there safe and sound.” He uncrosses his arms and waves his arm out.
When I finally get to Pops’ I shut off the engine to my car and get out. Pops walks out on the porch. His house is out in the deep woods. He has no neighbors and he loves that fact. The two-story farmhouse is still baby blue from when Gran made him paint it ten years ago. One year before she died. A sharp pain slashes across my chest.
Dalton strides up to the porch and shakes Pops’ hand while I grab my bags out of my car. “I’ll make sure to tell Max she’s here. Poor boy about went crazy when she didn’t show up here,” Pops is telling Dalton as I approach the porch.
“Tate wasn’t all that happy either.” Dalton says that towards me and I frown.
“Who gives a fuck what he’s happy about?” I mutter, going up the stairs and around Pops.
They both chuckle but I don’t have it in me to smile or laugh like I usually would. “Surprised they didn’t find you up at the school,” Pops says to me, but keeps looking at Dalton.
I see color light up his cheeks. “That was me. I told them I looked there first. I thought she could use the quiet.” Then he shrugged. “Farah, Ally wants you to come to the house sometime. Said you need a friend and she won’t take no for an answer.” With that he salutes Pops and goes back to his car.